Feeling neglected and put down.

My husband and I have been married for six months.  We were together for 5 yrs and engaged two of those years. I did notice signs of ADHD while dating, but it wasn't constant.  Since being married my husband is constantly distracted.  I can never seem to have him focus on me/on our relationship.  I constantly feel like I am put on the backburner and that everyone and everything else is more important than I am.  I cry often, because I miss my husband and want to see that I am important to him.  He is genuinely sorry and does his best to fix things, but that is just for the moment.  As soon as I think things are getting worked out and I smile, I am just ignored all over again.  Also, I am constantly 2nd guessed on everything I say, suggest, or do.  I feel like (in his eyes) I can not do and say anything right.  I am constantly corrected and my sentences are rephrased by him.  I feel like he is so selfish while I am mostly selfless. I often hear about his wants and I always give in with a smile on my face and in my heart.  I never hear him care or suggest things that would make me happy.  When we finally do things that make me happy, he seems disinterested and/or crabby about it.  The combination of these actions has worn me out. I feel like my shine is gone.  I am no longer happy.  It has been along time since I have felt happy.  I cry often, I have put on weight since, and I feel so lonely and neglected.  I know he loves me and he hates how I am feeling, but the more we try the more hurt I become.  He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child.  I think it is the cause for our marriage being where it is at today.  I do not want to give up on us and I will not.  I need some advice/tools as soon as possible.  I can not take another day feeling like this.  I feel everyday is taking a bigger toll on our marriage.  If anyone could offer any advice to us, I would greatly appreciate it!!! We are planning for a family and I refuse to bring a baby into a place where I am sad and confused.

This is my past

This sounds exactly like my life. Or more to the point my wife's. I am the one with ADD my wife does not. She has tried to get my to see the exact things you are describing too many times in our 18 year marriage. The part you talked about you smiling hits too close to home. It was when I finally realized that she wasn't smiling at me anymore but was when she was talking or chatting online to friends that it hit me. I don't know to describe it but it turned my ADD world upside down. I wish I knew the magic words to say to your husband to get him to understand what is going on in your marriage. Right now I'm trying to work through my own guilt that it took this long for me to see the light. Your husband could be my clone as you described him and his actions towards you. If he loves you as much as I love my wife he will take my advice and not wait 18 years before he reads these forums and that will be his "aha moment". Trust me I would do anything to be able to turn back the clock just a few years.

I don't know how my story will end but I feel that yours has a really good chance. I don't know if this helps or not.

This echoes my life exactly.

This echoes my life exactly. Except me and my husband didn't reach out for help. We have had 3 children and been married 9 years, together for 13. Now I am faced with the destruction. My husband turned away from me and to another woman. You are doing exactly the right thing by looking for help and understanding BEFORE you bring children into your life.

I know my husband loved me but in the end without meds and proper help his feelings of failing in the marriage and as a Father have led him to seek the easy way out. It has destroyed all of us. This is still very raw for me so I am probably coming on a bit strong here, but PLEASE don't think that things will get better on their own, or that this is just a rough patch. Because that is exactly what I thought. Just a rough patch. When really it was the end. 

It sounds like your husband really loves you and has good intentions (just like mine did before this year) so grab the bull by the horns now and you'll have a better, stronger marriage that I hope lasts forever. Look into counselling and behaviour therapy if he is willing. I wish I'd learned how to talk to my husband in a different way and had some tools in my bag to help with some of his behaviours. If I had my time again that is what I would do. My constant sadness and his feelings of inadequacy despite his best efforts were too much for us to cope with alone. If you can afford it please look for local professionals to help.

My advice would be to talk. And talk. And talk. ADD means sometimes he might be incapable of enjoying the things you do if they don't interest him, but please hang in there and compromise on outings/ activities, and I don't mean you doing all the things he wants I mean both of you talking and finding something that works for both of you. Or do 2 short activities. One for each of you. 

I really empathise with that out of sight out of mind thing that happens. How you said he fixes things but just in the moment. I can totally relate to that. My husband always tried to cheer me up after the fact. Then moved on and forgot he'd ever upset me. That is a hard trait to live with and I hope somebody else has some advice on how you can deal with that. I know how it can wear you down. 

I really hope you find the help you need for you and your husband and your road is smoother than mine :)