I don't think that I've ever posted before, but I read quite regularly. I am the non add spouse - my husband was diagnosed about 3 yrs ago, though I knew fairly quickly into our marriage that add was an issue. We've been married 15 yrs and things started out pretty rocky as neither one of us had very good relationship skills or role models (his parents were active alcoholics who fought constantly prior to divorcing, mine where conflict avoiders who didn't fight at all until until divorcing) and we had some difficult challenges very early on that lead to some trust issues on both sides we are still working to resolve. Fortunately about 6-7 yrs into our marriage we began studying non-violent communication www.cnvc.org (me actively, him more through osmoses, but willingly) and it has helped us to avoid some of the worst damage that add can do to a relationship, helping us learn to be non-judgmental (actions are simply reflections of unmet needs) and to own our own feelings. Of course we've had many of the typical add challenges - prolonged job loss, difficulty balancing household responsibilities, etc. but have made it thus far. He is currently taking Vyvance, which is helpful, but I don't think optimal. I am hoping that we can do Melissa's course and/or have him do some coaching because he still struggles with coming up with strategies to really "manage" add and I think that not accessing the strategies that others have found useful simply makes it harder on him and on the family. I would also love someone else's opinion on the medication, because he really struggles with rebound anger and I don't know that he realizes quite how difficult it is on those around him - particularly when he's in the middle of it.
So that brings me to the current situation... we are hoping to move soon and have found a house that we both really adore. However, when I went to apply for the mortgage it turns out that he never applied for reimbursement for, and thus never paid a business AmEx bill from a business trip last fall, leaving it in default. I knew for a time in the fall it was an issue, but he was quite defensive when I brought it up and so I ultimately just let it go from my "to do" list. We have since paid it out of the funds we had set aside for the down payment (he still hasn't turned in his receipts) but the black mark is making it quite difficult, if not impossible, to secure a mortgage. It is possible that he can call AmEx and beg them for mercy, but he has also put off doing this for the past several days (since we discovered the issue).
I understand all of the why's and where withall's of the issue. And I'm not really angry - but ame struggling to keep sadness, frustration, and potential disappointment from moving that direction. I keep trying to gently remind him to make the phone call and submit the report since this is all stuff that only he is legally allowed to do. I've offered to sit down with him and go through receipts - we almost got there one night, but ultimately he decided he was too tired from working on our current house all day (we have to get it ready to sell too).
Maybe, frankly, I've been spoiled that while the add has caused us what dave ramsey calls the "stupid tax" it has never really significantly gotten between an obvious point A and and an obvious point B. But I'm just trying to make peace with the whole thing and didn't want to bring up with friends because a) I don't gripe about dh with friends, though I will problem solve or get empathy in certain situation from certain people but mainly b) I think they'll feel protective of me and it will bring the sadness, frustration, disappointment to the surface and I don't know that that will be useful for coping at this point - oh and I'm also pregnant, due in early December so trying to keep the balancing act of relatively low stress, but wanting to feel settled before the baby. I guess I'm just posting here because it seemed like a safe place to express all of the facets of the situation and on the off chance anyone had any miraculous ideas.