feeling sad

I don't think that I've ever posted before, but I read quite regularly.  I am the non add spouse - my husband was diagnosed about 3 yrs ago, though I knew fairly quickly into our marriage that add was an issue.  We've been married 15 yrs and things started out pretty rocky as neither one of us had very good relationship skills or role models (his parents were active alcoholics who fought constantly prior to divorcing, mine where conflict avoiders who didn't fight at all until until divorcing) and we had some difficult challenges very early on that lead to some trust issues on both sides we are still working to resolve.  Fortunately about 6-7 yrs into our marriage we began studying non-violent communication www.cnvc.org (me actively, him more through osmoses, but willingly) and it has helped us to avoid some of the worst damage that add can do to a relationship, helping us learn to be non-judgmental (actions are simply reflections of unmet needs) and to own our own feelings.  Of course we've had many of the typical add challenges - prolonged job loss, difficulty balancing household responsibilities, etc. but have made it thus far.  He is currently taking Vyvance, which is helpful, but I don't think optimal.  I am hoping that we can do Melissa's course and/or have him do some coaching because he still struggles with coming up with strategies to really "manage" add and I think that not accessing the strategies that others have found useful simply makes it harder on him and on the family.  I would also love someone else's opinion on the medication, because he really struggles with rebound anger and I don't know that he realizes quite how difficult it is on those around him - particularly when he's in the middle of it.

So that brings me to the current situation...  we are hoping to move soon and have found a house that we both really adore.  However, when I went to apply for the mortgage it turns out that he never applied for reimbursement for, and thus never paid a business AmEx bill from a business trip last fall, leaving it in default.  I knew for a time in the fall it was an issue, but he was quite defensive when I brought it up and so I ultimately just let it go from my "to do" list.  We have since paid it out of the funds we had set aside for the down payment (he still hasn't turned in his receipts) but the black mark is making it quite difficult, if not impossible, to secure a mortgage.  It is possible that he can call AmEx and beg them for mercy, but he has also put off doing this for the past several days (since we discovered the issue).

I understand all of the why's and where withall's of the issue.  And I'm not really angry - but ame struggling to keep sadness, frustration, and potential disappointment from moving that direction.  I keep trying to gently remind him to make the phone call and submit the report since this is all stuff that only he is legally allowed to do.  I've offered to sit down with him and go through receipts - we almost got there one night, but ultimately he decided he was too tired from working on our current house all day (we have to get it ready to sell too).

Maybe, frankly, I've been spoiled that while the add has caused us what dave ramsey calls the "stupid tax" it has never really significantly gotten between an obvious point A and and an obvious point B.  But I'm just trying to make peace with the whole thing and didn't want to bring up with friends because a) I don't gripe about dh with friends, though I will problem solve or get empathy in certain situation from certain people but mainly b) I think they'll feel protective of me and it will bring the sadness, frustration, disappointment to the surface and I don't know that that will be useful for coping at this point - oh and I'm also pregnant, due in early December so trying to keep the balancing act of relatively low stress, but wanting to feel settled before the baby.  I guess I'm just posting here because it seemed like a safe place to express all of the facets of the situation and on the off chance anyone had any miraculous ideas.

Thank you!

So easily avoided...

Congratulations on your impending family expansion. Are you sure you want or need to move? I often wish we had stayed in the cute little finished house. The stresses of bigger projects have exacerbated the ADHD exponentially. Perhaps a reminder in his phone? Setting an appt to do the receipts? My dh hates uncomfortable phone calls. I've yet to find a miracle...  Good luck.


We don't need, need to move LOL as I'm sure that others have made to in squishier dwellings, but frankly our current house needs more work than the house we are hoping to purchase.  The goal is to save on gas (we live on the edge of the metro) and to get more space for everyone -- we are really a family of introverts and all of us function more pleasantly if we are not right on top of each other.  This is baby #6 and the older kids are poorly gendered/spaced for room sharing - i.e. they are every other gender and on average 3.5 yrs spaced - though this one is a straggler with the next youngest being six by the time s/he is born.  We also homeschool so really *use* our house iykwim - it's not like we are here for dinner, homework, bedtime :).

I'll suggest the self-reminder, but I think he is feeling particularly overwhelmed because stuff at work is a bit of a cluster at the moment and there is a lot of added stress.  I'm trying so hard not to add anything additional, but we've come to the point in the process where he really has to participate if it's going to get done, even if the timing sucks.  Up to this point I've done all of the communication with the bank and the realtor.  Today is Friday and I so want him to make the call before the weekend... unfortunately he ran out of medicine this morning and had to search for a prescription so didn't get it refilled until noon - so the morning was not fabulous.  I'm hoping that after that kicks in I'll be able to chat with him and see what we might be able to get done today.

On a positive note - yesterday he shared with me a few more details about what he had going on at work (lots of management upheaval) and that he is uncertain about what is happening next.... he has, all on his own, talked with a couple of headhunters and has an appt with one next week.  Since we've had a couple of stints where he has been long-term unemployed because he couldn't manage the job hunt scenario very well I am extremely proud of him for being so proactive. 

Well it sounds like you have

Well it sounds like you have a pretty good handle on your relationship. It can be done. I have similar problems with my hubby. He let three accounts go into default and some have even been charged off. He refused to take calls from credit collectors to at least find out what could be done. His excuse was that he wasn't making enough money to do anything about it, so why even try? He also has a situation where a former roommate may have stolen a store credit card and charged it up (fortunately it only had a $500 credit limit). I keep telling him that he can file with the credit agencies to get it fixed, but has he done it? Nope. He has finally gotten a better paying job and he told me the other night that he had taken a call from the company of one of his defaulted accounts and that he needs $600 to settle. So forward progress.

Regarding your situation, could you perhaps apply for the mortgage on your own? I couldn't tell by your post if you worked or not. Obviously this won't work if you're a stay-at-home mom. But if you do work, it could be a solution. For years, I had better credit than my hubby, so our first house was purchased using only me on the mortgage (he was out of the work at the time). Unfortunately, it turned out to be a very bad decision; the house was in a transitional area that got hit hard by the recession and we got left holding the bag. Or rather I got left holding the bag. I just finished signing the house back over to the mortgage company in order to avoid the full foreclosure process. So I'm out of the game for 3+ years. Interestingly enough, my score is still higher than my hubby's though. Probably because I am actively paying off my debts.

I know the situation could have been worse; hubby and I could have both been on the mortgage, thus making it impossible for us to buy a new house for at least 3 years (if not more). But as it stands, we are going to try to clean up hubby's credit (he's got a couple of defaults/charge offs) and then he hopefully he can get approved for a FHA loan. But we're still in a bit of a bind as he makes way less than I do, so even if he does get approved, we could still not have enough money to buy in the neighborhood we're currently renting in. Sigh.

I don't know if you are in the States but if you are, definitely check out a FHA loan. You can generally get one with a 620 score (the internet will tell you less, but I doubt it because just because the FHA is willing doesn't mean that the lender is willing). It's a common misconception that you have to be a first time buyer, but that's not true. You just have to have 3% down (5% on $250K+, I believe).

I also noticed your reference to Dave Ramsey. He advocates going through Churchill Mortgage. They do desktop review of each potential mortgage...it's more about the down payment and overall credit history as opposed to the credit score. So if you guys can show that this one time situation with AMEX was a "one off" and that it has been taken care of, you probably won't have any issues.

Good luck!