I may be married longer than anyone on this forum - 45 yrs. I stuck it out the first half because my husband, Mike, convinced me I was "damaged" and just couldn't handle life. So, for yrs. I sought help. It didn't occur to me that my condition was due to abuse. I'm sure that was because my dad was abusive, as well.
Early on, we had a son. He's 44 now and we haven't heard from him in yrs. Our grandchildren don't know us. My son had a crying and depressed mother and a rejecting and abusive father.
When our son was grown, we bought a business and and it wasn't until then that I began to notice Mike's irrational behavior, poor judgement, and immaturity. Later, I was sure he must have a brain disorder and insisted on his being evaluated. He was diagnosed with ADD and severe anxiety.
From the beginning, the business was my responsibility as he resented working. So, with mortgages, cars, and rental property, I felt there was too much at stake to walk out and lose it. Finally, with his lying, womanizing, stealing, and verbal abuse together with overwork and burnout, I was put in the hospital with depression. That was a good thing, as it opened my eyes. Funny, how much it took for me to "catch on".
Two things caused me to detach from him emotionally, his betraying me to our employees and his turn to homosexuality. I filed for divorce but dropped it when I saw how little I would walk away with at 60 yrs. old. One of his attorney friends met with mine so I'm sure there was a pay off. So, for financial reasons, I'm still with Mike - which is how he wants it.
He's had a male friend for about 18 yrs. now and our relationship became platonic then. We are retired now, share the house and have no financial worries. I have several friends, take trips (not with him), have many interests, am in good health and am active in my church.
If I had to describe my life with Mike, I would have to say it's been a nightmare. There have been no happy memories. I thought surely in retirement things would get better.
But now, he plays mindgames. He will hide items of mine; wallet, glasses, dog comb, etc. and even help me look for them. Then, after days, wks. or months, they show up - right where I had looked many times before.
He also messes with my headlights. Especially, if he knows I'm going off at night, he will turn the automatic setting to off. Cars often blink at me to indicate my lights are off. Then, I'll find my contact lens in a sack stuffed in a bookshelf or Xmas cards to me hidden unopened.
I could go on and on but here is my question: I feel emotionally spent and dazed. My mind doesn't seem to be clear. I feel overwhelmed. What do you do when your poor mind just needs to rest and will I ever stop feeling shell shocked? Annie