Feeling trapped

I am so glad I found ADHD & Marriage, Melissa Orlov, her books and online seminars because I can relate with so much of what is shared.  I've wanted to comment for a long time. I feel like I need a sense of community, support which I feel when learning about ADHD, going to counseling,etc.  The big 'however' is my spouse with ADHD who doesn't follow through, forgets, is emotionally unconnected ( not just with me), doesn't put things aways, loses things, etc.  I have been in therapy for many years with the issue of marriage always the main focus. We've been to 6 couple's counselors in the past 14 yrs, only for my husband to stop after a few sessions each time, except the past 4 years ( of which we've seen 4 therapists because of moves we've made for my husbands jobs) in which he has been open to going regularly. ADHD Dx was not made until 3 yrs ago...what a big light bulb that went off for me!  That's when I found Melissa Orlov.

So my feeling trapped is because I feel like I do 85% of our family/household stuff, kids, pets, etc. And the 15% my husband does with my asking and reminding and asking again! My husband makes promise after promise to change ( he started individual counseling this Spring which I am thankful for) and I can see some small, slow change.  I feel he uses this against me or gets defensive when I express frustration at what I perceive as lack of progress.  It all feels too little too late.  I don't understand.  If I knew the "3 legs of the stool" to treatment mentioned in ADHD Effects on Relationships, I think I would do them if I knew it was helpful 1st for me mentally and physically, and 2nd that it would positively impact those around me.  Why doesn't my husband?  We've been married 20 yrs with 3 fabulous children.  I love him and care about him however I don't feel in love with him because the message I receive over and over and over from his forgetfulness, irresponsibility, emotional disconnect is that "I don't matter". It hurts and I know I deserve more.

Thank you for "listening":)