Today I just feel wrecked. Same shit different day, and after 21 years, that's a lot of days and a lot of shit. All we do is argue anymore and the time it takes to reconnect afterward gets longer and longer. If I am being honest, I am not sure we really are reconnecting rather than just putting on another layer of battle armor and soldiering on to fight another day. So, today, here is how ADHD is affecting my life. My husband knew I had scheduled a get together tonight in our home after a neighbor asked me to host a small product party for her launch as a consultant. My husband was expected to attend because she is selling it with her boyfriend who is also very involved with athletics and physical fitness as my husband is and this product speaks to that demographic. I said yes and let my husband know that this was going on today. He has known since the day before he arrived home from work (he is gone for a week) on Monday (I texted him so he wouldn't forget) that this was happening. Last night, he disappeared to another town 1.5 hours away to put in some time at his business there. Yes, he works out of town for a week at a time, then gets home and spends at least one if not more days out of town for his business/hobby/passion. I have talked until I am blue in the face about feeling lonely and disconnected but he always thinks he can "catch up" the time with me "someday" when things aren't so busy. Fun fact: he has always run this hard and now that we have a family and careers, I have been left behind. There will never be time for me and I am long past believing there will be, although since he as no concept of time, he truly believes there is and that he can make up for years of being too busy for me. Typical ADHD disconnect from reality. Well intentioned but delusional. Anyway, about tonight. Since he opted to stay all night with family out of town last night, I had a bad feeling when I still hadn't been able to reach him by about noon today. I called. No response. Called a little later. No response. Texted. Same thing. Totally ghosted. (When he is in "the zone" with his hobby/business, all Hell could break loose around him and he would be oblivious. Except for our children. He will always stop for them.) Since I couldn't reach him, I stooped really low and called our 21 year old daughter and asked her to ask him to call me because I needed to make sure he was going to be home soon to help me out fo tonight's party. Nothing major, I just needed some clutter off the kitchen table, the sliding glass doors wiped down, and a cheese and fruit tray picked up because I am working until right up until this starts (this is my ADHD moment and piss poor scheduling, I can see this now as I am writing this). So, after our daughter reaches him, he texts me. "busy. working. will be home at 5:30" !!!!!!!!!! What the HELL?????????? It STARTS at 5:00!!!!!!!! NO! Just NO!!!! At that point, I am livid. I do the thing no one should ever do, which is start freaking out over text. I know how unhealthy and toxic this is, but I don't know what to do. He ditched me. He won't take my calls or really LISTEN to my concerns. He wants to breeze in 30 minutes after it starts and it's all good? Why would other husbands just automatically understand that this is a terrible idea and mine has no clue?????? Well, ADHD of course. He truly, absolutely has no idea that there is any other protocol for partnership that does not include behaving this way. And the worst thing is, he will breeze in and make ME the problem because I am so upset and "intense" and "over the top" and being "dramatic" and blah blah blah. No ownership whatsoever of the fact that he has left me, his partner, alone again with no head's up so I could prepare. I finally called my mom and dad, who don't even live in our town, and they are going to get our daughter off the bus and tidy up the front room and clean my sliding glass doors. Thank god for them. Just thank God. They are truly all that stands between me and a nervous breakdown. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't know how I have done it this long. This is the loneliest and must crazy-making situation I could ever imagine being in. It is like falling down the rabbit hole into Crazy Town every day of my life and trying to figure out what I am supposed to do. I used to worship the ground this man walked on and felt so damned lucky to have found him, but that ship has sailed. I am exhausted and lonely and wrecked and I have no idea what to do differently to make this work better.