Hi y'all,
new guy here. I am the pt in our relationship and that part is well taken and acknowledged by both of us. My fist apparent problem to my wife was my alcoholism so we admitted myself into 30 in pt program and got a great doc. We discovered I was self medicating a lot of issues ADHD being primary.
She stayed by my side supporting me every way possible. I love her dearly. However, we have a kind of relationship I've never had before. We argue every day over stupid things that she brings up for the most part. I have had 4 serious long term relationships in the past and have never argued like we do. Some say it because she is Mexican. Lol. Sometimes I think I just compare it too much to my most recent relationship in which we were absolute soul mates who never argued a day in seven years. We understood each other completely and never questioned anything the other did. It was just known that it was for a good reason.
So now, as much as I love her I have difficulties because she questions every single thing I do or say. My driving, my cinicism, my comments, questions. One of my biggest ADHD traits is I love to teach what I know. I like meeting strangers and talking for hours (if I am in that mood, as what I do or am capable of doing depends highly on what state I'm in) and she hates this "you are not the world authority" So I have to fight this constantly. I've tried different tactics but it's almost as if she is not happy unless she is griping about something. It's better at times but you get the picture.
I wonder if I were financially independent and mentally and physically healthy, would I stick around? But I feel this great sense of owing her something. She is who I credit with saving my life as I was on the brink of checking out. She did a lot for me. A Godsend I refer to her as. We are seeking therapy with someone we used before that helped but when I really think about it, because you owe someone is no reason to stay in a relationship is it?
i do love her, no question but is it enough to overcome the negativity that pours out of her? When I am not bed-ridden depressed I am a very upbeat person who like listening to music, going out, meeting neighbors, goofing around and laughing at myself. This is not her at all. A he tries to act way to serious about life and is embarrassed by having to meet new people or talk to strangers.
These differences are becoming more and more clear but she helped me so much in the past. She still does to a degree but not like it used to be.
Now to be honest I must say that my actions take their toll on her. I like to go out often so sometime I do so without her. I'm very faithful be she is very jealous. I like meeting people, this annoys her. I can be very different from one day to the next which has to be hard on someone.
Thearapy is all I can think of right now but if anyone has something to offer please jump in!!!!
Please Be Upfront
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Todd:
ADHD is a serious disorder and it is a difficult thing to handle in a relationship. By your own admission, there are some added considerations. Both ADHD and alcoholism take a toll on a partner. I can't tell from your comments what the "other issues" are but there may be additional challenges for your partner. Thank you for recognizing that. You may not have a clear understanding of how difficult it has been for her.
You say the two of you are going to therapy. That's great. Please be as honest and forthright as you can. Do her a favor and don't operate from a hidden agenda. You say you owe her something. You brought ADHD and alcoholism into the relationship. When you say you "owe her something", please spend some time considering what it is you are bringing to the relationship FOR HER as well.
There are so many posts on this site about women who stuck by their partners and did everything in their power to make it work, only to be told "later, don't need you, don't want you". I encourage you to read through them and try to gain an understanding of the hurt those actions cause. ADHD oftentimes causes the non ADHD partner to feel very lonely and unrecognized. Their effort goes into supporting the ADHD partner and they are often overlooked. Please make sure you address her needs as well, okay? Staying with her because you think you "owe her", well, you may not being doing her any favors. She at least needs an honest foundation and real information from which to make decisions. You don't get to choose her reality by holding back your motivations.
Let me try to understand...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
My take on this is based solely on what you have written. It being a "given" that there are 2 sides to a relationship I am not going to say anything on your wife but simply going to speak to what YOU say about yourself
"One of my biggest ADHD traits is I love to teach what I know. I like meeting strangers and talking for hours (if I am in that mood, as what I do or am capable of doing depends highly on what state I'm in) and she hates this "you are not the world authority".....you say you have tried different tactics....KEEP TRYING til you find one that works, until then ....this is an ANNOYING ADD trait.
"I wonder if I were financially independent and mentally and physically healthy, would I stick around?"....are you saying you are financially dependent and mentally and physically "sick"?.........and SHE has some problems driving you nuts?
"When I am not bed-ridden depressed I am a very upbeat person who like listening to music, going out, meeting neighbors, goofing around and laughing at myself."....how often do you go from one( bed ridden depressed to the opposite...goofing around/ laughing at yourself? What a yo-yo lifestyle? Is what you see in her as "serious" possibly wanting you to be"sincere" occasionally? And NOT all over the map?
"Now to be honest I must say that my actions take their toll on her." and " I can be very different from one day to the next which has to be hard on someone.".......and your question is ? Seriously? Oh, wait....you don't like to be serious.....
". I have had 4 serious long term relationships in the past and have never argued like we do.".....what happened to these 4 long term relationships? Was it mutual parting? YOU, THEM.....SOMETHING (and I do hope, not terrible) happened.
You do sound like a genuine, honest person. And you seem to accept you have ADD. And yes there are a TON of good attributes with ADD and there are just as many "behaviors" that can drive anyone "batty" and it isn't funny and it makes life HARD.
What do I see? .....someone who needs to come to terms with ADD in a relationship. It's not about being serious......it's being sincere.
And because you put it out there......you are a recovering alcoholic( my wholehearted support!) but I wonder....."allowing" yourself a beer? ADD?....self medicating?....wise in your own eyes? Relationship trouble?....hmmm....
You need to read your post...LIke I wrote it....
Submitted by c ur self on
No offense intended here, but in reading your post, you are making it all about You! I would bet if you left her...her life would get a lot easier, with a lot less stress....Maybe you should put yourself in her shoes a while....You might find it actually allows you to have a little empathy for the cross your devoted dear wife is bearing being married to you.....
Which might make you a little more thankful....
C
You Are Right.....C
Submitted by kellyj on
So let me get this right, and
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
So let me get this right, and please correct me if I am wrong... But are you saying that your wife, who in your words saved you, and who is trying to work with you on the ADHD stuff, who supports you because you have times when you are bedridden and depressed, and I am taking it you are unable to support yourself physically, mentally and financially so she does.... And you are not happy because she argues with you and takes things seriously when you do not feel she should, and you feel you are with her because you feel obligated to her?
i am trying not to project my own situation on this, so take it for what you will. Yes, you do owe her. And I doubt you will ever be able to repay that debt. But you can start by being completely upfront and honest with her so that she knows the rules of the game you are playing with her. I realize there are two sides to every story, and that I am not price to anything in your life other than what you have posted. But to me, it's very hard to not feel an anger for your wife, who I am sure has been dealing with a lot of the fallout for what seems to be untreated and unaddressed adhd issues on top of a host of other things going on with you. It seems to me that the others are correct, this is all about you and it seems that your wife is simply an accessory to your life that you feel isn't as nice and shiney as she once was. Staying with her because you feel obligated to her is a cop out and a chicken move. Stay if you love her, stay if you think you can create a good future with her, but don't ruin her life for the sake of your own feeling of obligation and your own comfort in the obvious support she provides for you.
i am sure I sound angry and I kinda am. Right now *I* am playing that role your wife is in. I am the one being told after 7 years that .. "Oh yeah, sorry not sure I want to be married anymore, ok..let's be pals!" This, after all these years of sticking to him, supporting him physically, mentally and financially. Never giving up on him and always having his back. 7 years of him lying to me, using me for his own gain, running away as soon as I need him and constantly belittling my needs as his wife and as a fellow human being. I stuck it out because I had faith in our commitment and a faith in a better future... Getting the bad shit out now. but yeah he thinks he knows better than everyone else and it's all about his feelings of the moment. Sounds a lot like what you posted about yourself.
do her the favor of being honest so that she can choose with all that facts in front of her. It's the only fair and loving thing you can do.
Sorry spacey for your situation
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
Ours is quite different. No lies or deceit. We used to and 1/2 the time now get along great.
My main question stems from what any marriage counselor will tell you. After trying to work things out unsuccessfully, if the only thing holding your marriage together is a feeling of redemption or payback, your kidding yourself. You can't stay married just and fairly because you owe someone who once did you a favor. No matter how great, you appreciate, reconcile with yourself that you are doing the right thing for both of you and move on.
She is ready and willing to leave as she has told me enough times when I ask if I am a burden and should just go away. We need each other in different was though. She has never experienced the love and affection we share. It is new and great for her even at almost 50 yrs old. I have shown her a life she has only seen on tv. Yachting, boating, fishing, outdoors. Things other than cards at the country club with the girls and fancy dinners with an ex. I need a partner with whom I can share my love and knowledge with and share living expenses as while I have a few companies they don't produce a living. Most of that comes from social sec disability (I suffer from a great deal of arthritis having both hops totally replaced and major back surgery with lots of titanium alloy.
But we would both rather stay together just happily so we are working on that. She finally started reading some books I bought for us. ADHD and marriage, 3 Steps to Enlightenment (highly recommended).
So so yes I understand about acceptance and forgiveness as well as some other terms I've seen mentioned that are strait out of self help books. My problem here is that there are so many aspects to the situation it's near impossible to write it all down in a way to explain to everyone, each with their own attitude or point of view exactly what's going on so I have to deal with the responses to what I can actually fit in and think to include.
Thanks for caring
So basically...
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Country club was old life ex husband
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
we are afforded a few luxuries due to family (both sides are wealthy). We have a small decent boat but father has a 65' yacht. She is used to more than what we can afford simply bc of her wealthy ex husband. I sometimes refer to her as "princess" because she generally needs Michael kors toothpaste.
She says she is past that and is 100% devoted yet complains several times a day about something. Very very negative. She does not need to take care of me as you may be implying. I am self sufficient even with bi-lateral total hip implants, c4-5 s1 fusion, no lumbar disc, few cervical disc remaining, unhealed fractured c7, and lots of plates and screws. I get around pretty well. The ADHD and mainly depression keep me down the most but I still have to care for myself.
I have but one need. To be loved unconditionally and to return that love. (Is that two things?)
I think its good that there
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I think its good that there is no deceit and lying in the past, but is there really truth in your daily interaction with eachother? Have you told her what you have told to us here in the forum? I agree with your therapist - staying together out of obligation is not a good move for either of you, and you both deserve something more out of life than simple obligation.
You seem to have some contradictory statements - you say that you rely on her financially, but you treat her to a life of yachting, country club, boating, "a life seen only on TV", but you live on social security benefits? You say you both rather stay together, but you are here questioning that decision? That tells me that *you* at least would rather NOT stay together and are looking for some agreement/validation for leaving.
If you really do love her, and want to build a life (and that is the ONLY reason to stay with someone in my personal opinion), its a very good first step for her AND you to read the books, and maybe do it together out loud. And then talk about it. And then together come up with a plan to work on each issue at a time, and agree to put aside ones that arent the focus at the moment - to be addressed later. It will absolutely take both of you to make it work. Just like any "normal" relationship that is actually worth a damm, there is work involved. More so with one or both of the partners with ADHD/ADD or any other "different wiring" condition.
If you can remember a time when you truely loved your wife, and not out of obligation, but because you love to be the one who makes her smile, and you know deep down that SHE is the one you know you want to grow old with, and spend your days with - you can save your marriage. You can recapture that love that brought you together. I posted a few days about about love, real honest to goodness love versus FEELING "in love" with someone. That feeling is just that, a feeling - that ebbs and flows with the tides. Sometimes you have it, sometimes you dont - and sometimes you both feel it together at the same time. And its a beautiful thing born of commitment, loyalty, and WORK. And that work is the form of real love - which is a choice.
I chose to love my husband every single day, I CHOSE to let the past stay there, and not let his past actions dictate what today will bring. I chose to love him every day that he was out of the house for the times he left me behind with the messes, and escaped to a friends spare room for months. I chose to love him when he would lie to me, right in my face - and I knew it as he did it, but I also knew the reasons why he did it - and I chose to love him and tell him that he didnt have to lie, but that I understood why he was compelled to do it. See - I did the work, I did make the choice, and he did not choose me back. He believes that love is that "in love" feeling, and he only feels that with me when he is in a good mood - which is not often as he is dealing with his own demons from his past, and they are winning. He listens to the negative voice inside of him instead of choosing at that moment to take control and banish it. He has told me he doesnt want to be married, and he is planning on leaving, but he had expectations of me continuing to behave as the loving wife. I have started to choose differently, and have opted to love myself, and refocus onto myself and give myself loyalty because I deserve it.
If you love her, put in that kind of work, choose it every day. And she will either respond and come around after seeing changes in you - or she wont, but at least you wont regret walking away, and you wont be uncertain of it either. I hope that makes sense, and I know this is through the filter of my own experience. But really - the only thing you can do is choose to live honestly, and decide what you want, and choose to do it - nothing will be given or handed to you.
This is what I want to hear from her
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
your statement about your decision to love everyday etc. is exactly what I what to hear from her but she is too proud to say such things. Too "above" certain terms and that kills me. I say what I feel with no fear of what Nancy Grace may think. She spends more time, literally worrying and watching other people's lives than our own. I have to say...HELLO!?!? A lot.
Check top response for how we can live a good life from time to time. Certainly not always. We are paycheck to paycheck but have wealthy family.
I love her and want her but I want her to be and act happy.
You dont have to wait to hear
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
You dont have to wait to hear it from her to start doing it yourself. God knows my H didnt, hasnt and WONT do it - and it shows. All you can ever control is YOU. If she sees positive change in you, she will respond. It may or may not be what you want - but you cant control that. All you can do is make the change for yourself and hope that she opts to join you for the ride. But dont make it dependent on that. You have to do it on your own, for your own. Choose to love her every day, choose to make working on your symptoms a priority every day, choose to show her in ACTIONS not words (and this is SO VERY IMPORTANT) that you are making change. My H talks a great game, but his actions.... fall very short. I have learned that I dont even hear his words anymore beacuse they are meaningless air. I pay attention to his actions - and thats what I react to and how I determine what I am to him. I bet your wife had done the same.
If you are as you say - unsure about being with her other than obligation - that doesnt line up with the rest of your posts, but if you are telling yourself that - then I bet your actions are telling HER that as well. Change your thoughts, change your actions and MAYBE you will get what you want. But really - you cannot expect her to chose to love you daily if you cant even decide if you want to be with her since you only feel obligated to her. Think about that. Think about your first post, and think about all your others.... are you SURE thats how you really feel? Because to me - I think you dont just feel obligation to her I think you feel fear and are covering it and hiding it from yourself. Maybe I am wrong - but thats how you are reading to me. Think very carefully about that, because if you are truly only with her because of obligation - then WHY are you wanting to hear a statement of choosing to love you? I think this has far more to do with you than her.
I find some of my wording is getting misunderstood.
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
when I speak of tangible things and showing her a life, listen to what I'm saying. She has never been on a boat before. Never caught a fish. Never walked through the woods.
The love and compassion I speak of is a completely separate thing. She has never had what I give her in the way of how I listen to her, treat her, talk with her and not to her. We share a fantastic sex life she (supposedly) has never seen the likes of.
I do understand what you are saying I just can't always type exactly what I mean and everything I want to say. Not enough room. Lol
I Do Understand You Dude
Submitted by kellyj on
Trust me....I've been through the ringer and I know what you are saying. And what you just said...I've said the same things myself. Sex....unfortunately...is a poor barometer for Love. It's part of it...but just one slice of the pie.
I heard both....."he wants sex all the time and I'm so turned off....I don't want him near me"
or
"He never wants to have sex with me....and when we do....it just a quickie and thens he gone"
Both those examples....are from someone who doesn't feel the Love. How well you do it....is less important than the other 99% of the time. Think about it. You can have great sex....and not Love the person? (I've heard? lol )
On that....I know for myself as a man....I want the sex first...and then when the sex is over....I feel the Love. During too...it's a dance. But generally speaking both are true.
As I have come to understand....this works a little differently for women. As I have come to understand from what I learned (a general statement since I can't know this exactly...of course?lol ) Women want to feel the Love first....and then they want to have sex. (and during the dance too as well ) If I were you....I would just go with that even if I'm not 100% right?
J
Todd.....As the Subjective Listener Here
Submitted by kellyj on
I fall into the same trap in my thinking when I'm hyper focusing and searching for answers and problem solving. You can't ever really separate yourself from your emotions and perceptions and the best you can do is to critical of yourself as you are listening to others. When we hyper focus...we aren't able to do that effectively. When you get lost in hyperfocus in your head..playing video games or things you enjoy....you are lost in your own world and nothing else exists. This can be an asset in many ways and it can be a strength....but it can be your greatest weakness in your relationship if you are not able to connect with your wife because it.
You may say you Love her....but can she feel it from you. Hearing it said....is not the same thing. As I have done here myself in my own search for answers....I have also been lost in my head for that time even if doing it for a good cause with that intention. If I have learned anything from this experience....this is one lesson I've learned from it. I have found that sometimes you need to stay at something and keep looking at it (extremes are easier to see sometimes than the sublet ones) and without knowing this is what I was doing....I had a feeling and I was going with it until I was finally able to see what I was searching for.
The glue you and your wife want is the Love you share. I know I'm a pain in the ass and difficult to be in a relationship with...but I have also known that the Love I have for my wife...was not being received by her....and hers by me. We've been missing each other and both trying very hard to find that connection and that part I could plainly see but had no answers in finding my way to her.
All my wife could see...were the things that were wrong with me that were affecting her. As I heard her...and tried my best to accommodate what she would say....I slowly began to realize that what I was doing wasn't having to effect on her happiness or how she felt about me. Why is that? And why can't she tell me?
As she put it to me all the time....."these things mean that you Love me"...and she was looking at the house chores as the sign of my Love. This was the proof she needed to feel I Loved and I tried my best to give that to her. But that didn't work. She still didn't feel Loved? Why then....should I trust her when she tells me "this is Love to me."
As you said here about sharing your Love and wanting her to share Love with you. You included making a living, money and income, showing her a life she never had before and doing "things" of this nature and included Love and affection as it's was implied as being included into Love and affection. As I hear you....are you saying that this is Love? In the same way I hear my wife say to me....that these things prove your Love to me...and I tried to show her my Love in the way she wanted it. But this isn't Love. You can't feel "the Love" by doing things for other people. Sharing living expenses and sharing "things" is not the same thing.
Love...it not "tangible objects".....Love comes from within and these might be associated with Love by reinforcing the Love that is already there......but these things are not Love in themselves if Love is missing in the first place.
As I hear what you are saying....I here that you and your wife want different things and things in different ways in the form of needs as you said it. Needs aren't Love either. Needs are just needs. Fulfilling others needs is a show of Love....but showing it.....is not the same as feeling it intimately in the same as you have in your intimate relationship with your partner.
That only happens when you connect with them in the way they need to be connected with. If you really want to make your wife feel the Love....you need to find the way in and speak to her in her Love language...not yours. She's not going to feel it even if you do Love her....unless you find that path in order to reach her.
My wife is a very difficult person to reach for example. If I listen to here and what she thinks Love is as you say the same with your wife since she doesn't know what Love is the same as you do....then what ever Love means to you and if that's not working....you need to find another way in to reach her and connect with her. She's the only one that counts here so what ever way that is...is the ONE way you need to find. If there a need here at all.....this is the one I think you need to discover?
What I have come to discover with my wife for example....is that the pathway to get there is a long and windy one but.....as I have found...when I do reach her in the way she needs to be reached...I see the Love coming from her in return. As I hear you say she doesn't know what Love is the same as you....I think people know Love with they feel it.....it's the same for everyone including my wife.
J
J - I believe this is your
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
J - I believe this is your absolute most profound post you have made to date (that I have read). You captured perfectly so much of the problem we as non ADHD spouse face because of the simple lack of not feeling that love (and again, not talking about the "in love" feeling).
The love languages are a real thing, I encourage anyone to find out what their love language is, and what their spouse's is as well. For instance, my H language is "Acts of Service" almost exclusivly. And mine is a mix of "Physical Touch" and "Words of Affirmation" (physical touch doesnt have to be sexual touch FYI). Based on that, the goal for our relationship would be for:
1. me to become comfortable with accepting his acts of service as him expressing love to me
2. learn how to express love to him with acts of service (finding out nice things I can DO for him)
3. him to become comfortable with accepting "physical touch" and "words of affirmation" from me as expressions of love (and not manipulation or control)
4. him to learn how to express love to me with "physical touch" and "words of affirmation".
A great example would be a couple of months ago, he came home from his fighting practice, and I had not been feeling great (was having some trouble with sadness revolving my sweet little dog). He came over to me, stroked my hair and kissed my forhead. To me - this was like finding water in the desert. To me - it was a perfect expression of love from him. Because that is how i recognize love. I also have learned that he will get me a drink, and always asks if I need something - this is his way of expressing love. And I try to see it that way - but its not how *I* express love, so I would not be able to "survive" with that being my only source of love. For him, because of his past, physical touch is a very hard thing for him to experience, so its hard for me to find other ways to express love naturally. He also is not receptive to "words of affirmation" because of his own battle of thinking its all manipulation and control. I do try to express love to him by making things for him, cooking dinner, getting things for him - and he is sustained this way. But, I am not because I am not getting what I need to feel loved - he is refusing to speak my language on a regular basis. So like J says, I dont feel that connection as I should. He does feel that connection (and can be confident and full of trust and security because of that), because I work hard to speak his language and accept his language (which is why I have lasted this long - but its time for him to step up, and he chose to step out instead). For me to be willing to stay in this relationship - I need him to start working on changes in himself that will control his own inner demons so that he can be receptive of and express *MY* love language. Baby steps, I can accept. Complete unwillingness to try because he thinks he is "broken" and knows better than everyone around him including his Therapists, I cannot accept.
Anyway - I know I have gone on a tangent here, but I do think a valid course of action would be to find out how love is expressed and recognized by each of you - it will certainly help you both to speak in ways that you can recognize when expressing love. And that miscommunication is usually at the center of 90% of marital problems.
Two With ADHD...Looking In the Mirror
Submitted by kellyj on
I feel kind of foolish here, since all this time (here on the forum) and the time I've been with my wife, I've been looking for something...and that something has been right under my nose. Actually standing in front me, right next to me, and with me the entire time. But really, how was I to know? All I saw was a set of symptoms....just like everyone else?
Even though I have ADHD....I'm a man, I'm Hyperactive/impulsive, I have my own experiences, I have my own perceptions, my own upbringing, my own heartaches and failures, and my own life. No one is like me. But, I've gone through therapy for years, I'm on medication, I used the tools and learned how to use them and still learning, I've made the commitment, I done the research, and I've come a very long way (distance traveled) in my life but also on my own path down the rode to recover from the denial I first started in when I first made the discovery that I had ADHD. It is a journey so to speak and a rode or path that you have to travel to get there. I also started with my own set of insecurities too.
As I have found...those insecurities are a really, really big deal. A HUGE deal when talking about behaviors and in terms of easing my own fears and insecurities....this may have the most important aspect to what Love means to me....than any thing else. Suffering...as I'm saying this.....comes from my insecurities and anything that will ease my suffering ( the fear and the pain that my insecurities bring me ) will surely hit the mark and make me feel Loved. For me....this is what makes me "Feel the Love." Love is nurturing and calming my fears. Love makes me feel wanted and needed and made to feel that I am important/special (only in respect to my wife not in the big scheme of things....important to anyone else, no. I feel important enough to myself for anyone else and don't need to be arrogant about it and don't need others to make me feel important/special....on the out side. I don't need to where it like a badge so people will respect me either. I kinda care less about that....but want a modicum from others of course. But who cares what anyone else thinks of me.....if they don't like who I am? It's not required to feel the Love for myself in order for that to happen. That is....without being a total ass about it lol I have my moments LOL keeping that in mind as well :)
Stacey....you and I are speaking the same language. For me.....this is not a tangent. Speaking to you now since we just connected...this is now what I can say about what I see coming from my wife with a brand new set of eyes. This is such a weird and strange thing on one hand....but like coming home (for real) to be able to see what the problem was that I was having (my personal problem that is ) in not being able to see something that I really did intuitively feel but had no explanation for? It was so recognizable and so familiar on one hand.....and so different on the other....that this was throwing me for a loop and driving me literally crazy!! lol
I said a long time ago...."I'm the most reluctant leader on the planet" I am pretty fiercely independent. Almost (if not) iconoclastic, eclectic and eccentric and kind of...out of round. LOL
But in a good way I think. I am an Artist after all....I can afford to be that way I think (giving myself some credit here lol ) But I have no illusions or expectations otherwise for anyone else to be like me and actually....that might be an intrusion into my domain. I'm comfortable in my own skin and standing out (in all good ways) and showing who I am outwardly as having a healthy ability to be different and yet not expecting anyone to feel the same as I do about anything.
Having been gifted so to speak in the same way as having ADHD...was not by my choosing in respect to the positive gifts that made me stand out in ways that kind of put a spot light on me early in life...without having that as my goal or even having to try. It just came to me...and I was driven to do things whether anyone saw me....(or my Art) I can't help it..... if you want to put it that way.
Recognition was the last thing on my mind. In a self serving way only from the start....I just loved doing it and that's that. I have to Art....and I just can't stop.
In real way in the past growing up...this made me feel proud...and kind of uncomfortable both at the same time. Standing out can be both...a good thing...and a bad thing....depending on what you are talking about? For what's that worth?
On the other hand....sport for example....was not my calling or gift per se...and I had to earn every drop of what I earned by hard work, dedication and an enormous amount of effort to achieve anything, and only after a great deal of time spent and willingness to suffer and endure did I ever excel. I am much less gifted, never really stood out....and everything was earned and any real source of recognition of the achievements I did earn.... did come with a certain amount or status enough to feel somewhat honored and recognized with some records in the books that has long since disappeared. And even full knowing....would appear like nothing in comparison to anyone currently doing what I did at this time.
Today...in comparison....those same records would hardly put a mark down that anyone would even notice. Those marks on my soul however....which came with blood, sweat and tears...are the ones that I am most proud of ...compared to anything else in comparison in my life including the Art for example which I can do in my sleep and where others see as my most valuable asset. Not to sound arrogant either... I tend not to wear that like a badge either. I don't need to....it just comes to me without needing to try. I was born that way...and it came with the drive already there. It's easy and takes no effort to excel and be recognized. This was kind of a no brainier when it comes to making money but there's a down side to this as far as money goes in that it's kind of a hard way to make a living if you're looking to make a lot of money. Getting a business degree...was the smartest thing I ever did in that respect I can tell you. Most...Artists....make poor businessmen in my experience in the world of Art
But there's a reason for this too. The vast amount of beautiful artifacts that I've created for people...get received and treasured by the owners themselves. They become their personal treasures and coveted by their owners...and nothing "shows the Love" more to me...when I see them again: hanging on some ones wall, wearing them on their fingers (wedding rings) and seeing them again, displayed in places of honor and knowing how special, loved and important those artifacts are to the people themselves. That's the Love....right there. I make Love for other people...and as you say....not sexually what so ever.
I feel the Love...and so do they.... even never seeing those artifacts ever again....I know the Love is there. This may not be money.....but it's Love none the less. What it's not as I am trying to say.....is pride or even arrogance and it needs no other recognition to be received on my end.
But when it comes to pride and a personal sense of accomplishment...and things that are important to me only (personally) come from the places I struggle and feel insecure about. Not being seen or feeling invisible and transparent is the source of insecurity as I'm saying this. In those thing is where pride comes into play and feeling that others are proud of me. The blood, sweat and tears makes me proud of only myself and the work I put in to earn it....but I want my partner to be proud of me and not put me down either.
In terms of Love language for me and what I just said here....a curious thing happens which is somewhat counter intuitive. People give me praise for the Art that I do and I see my Art on occasion and there is the sense of accomplishment there to a small degree...but the most important part for me is the Love that the person has for my Art. Their Love...comes through to me and any rewards I get on top of it...it just icing on the cake. In that respect....I don't feel the Love....when people say they Love me because I'm good with my Art. That falls flat as a pancake and means almost nothing to me. Praising me for my Art....almost feels like an embarrassment rather than Love and this happens at times as I see people trying to show me their Love that way. I see this for what it is and take it in graciously...but it's not the way into my heart in easing my suffering and nurturing me. I get nurtured enough...just by making the Art and expression of Love and the return of it as I said. I'm blessed with this ability...and never take that for granted.
But when speaking about Love languages....the example of someone trying to show me their Love in respect to my Art....any other way than to just Love it, treasure it and honor it....almost feels like a disrespect to me and knowing full well that others cannot understand why that feels this way to me? That's not the Love language I need to make me feel nurtured and cared about and falls kind of flat like I said.
I am not my Art....my Art is just a tangible object that I let go of as fast as I make it...and mostly..never see it ever again.
But I do know my Love is out there...and someone is enjoying it and Loving it just the same. This perspective I have that I have known for a lifetime....has given me the ability to see and feel the Love and now how this works for me.
When I see my wife now and understand what I'm seeing....I can apply this the same to her and find the pathway to her heart and know I'm in the right direction. Her Love language is something that I have no knowledge of as with anyone specifically. That's going to take that same blood, sweat and tears to get there the same as it was for the sports that I had to earn. This was not a given to me or just gifted to me from God. I have to work at and search for it and find that magic combination that says Love to my wife. Only she knows what that is and it's a difficult thing to find since it's buried underneath all that insecurity and fear and she has trouble finding it sometimes.
Whether I feel this is Love for me that I am giving in respect to how I feel when giving it.....is the same as giving my Art away....and never seeing it again. I know someone Loves it and treasures it....without ever getting anything back. It's a one time deal and no strings attached....and then I have to go back to my work shop make Love again. The Love I feel...comes from that place of honor and respect for my work and seeing it treasured by the person who I gave it to...and that's my reward every time I do it.
Love is not reciprocated necessarily by sexual means. If you have make Love when you get immediate gratification for yourself right then and there....then it's not a gift it's a gift exchange and nothing wrong with that either. But in respect to everything I've said and how Love works....I think the truest form of Love....is giving it and having it received honored and treasured with nothing in return. If it comes back to me...then I honored and thankful. But the Love is already there and I don't need...or even want Love necessarily given to me any other way. I'll take what I can get...and if someone Loves me for my Art....in a more arrogant way and in lessor form....I recognize it for what it is and honor that person back for appreciating it in that form.
But when it comes to my Love language...and what I really need most....is that blood, sweat and tears kind and comes from getting nurtured from within. If you want to hit the bulls eye with me...that how I roll. And knowing this...and knowing what I now know with my wife....I think I can apply the same thing to her...and be on the right track.
In respect to Love for me.....that's what I'm talk'in about:)
J
Stacey and Vabeachgal.....As I Hear You
Submitted by kellyj on
J - you show real
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
J - you show real introspection sometimes, and I appreciate your posts here. While I cannot say i have been able to follow your posts every time - I also didnt take anything you were saying to heart as criticism on me. Your apology is sincerely accepted! :-)
Stacey and Vabeachgal
Submitted by kellyj on
Thank you. And just so you know....I do recognize one of the biggest problems I have with my wife specifically that really has not been mentioned or brought up here. ( and I've neglected to say since I've been so focused on finding some kind of resolution to this issue ) Actually....without saying it here and I can't get through to my wife on this either....and since I'm so familiar with it and that I flown on by without actually saying it since it's not exactly been said so up front by anyone. Time.
Part of what I've been doing and looking into my past and hers with what little I've been able to piece together on my own here (part of this process of searching for answers) I know have a better understanding of and why both I....and my wife....have not been very clear. The part about not following I think? I haven't known why either so we've all been lost in that repect.
As I was saying to Todd about my wife looking for proof of my Love in keeping the house clean or doing the things that are in some ways,....the most difficult thing for me to do....
The other "proof" she's just can't seem to let go of is time spent with her. It is an expectation that goes beyond what is reasonable. The amount of time that I have had to give to her in order for her just to feel Okay or the proof that she needs has caused such a disruption to everything in my life that most of our conflicts arise simply because I have to work and make money and I've stopped doing that entirely and spent all my time either here looking for a solution and proving my Love to her by working on my ADHD symptoms (the one proof) but the other one of Time has caused US to lose thousands of dollars because it. I am so behind in trying to establish and reach my well laid out plans to meet those goals with a reasonable amount of time given to her in a realistic way.....that we are literally going broke....just so prove to her I have enough time for her.
Yet....the available time I have to give her (in reality) is determined by her schedule...not mine. The minute she gets home....she expects me to drop everything and come spend time with her. Her ability to just be with herself for even a short while without having my company...has been almost nil until just recently.
What I could not understand at the time when she said this almost first thing when I met her....wa when she wanted to know if I had the "time for her" which she's felt she has not be given by the other men in her past.
After hearing the stories and the complaints in this area and now experiencing this myself and the conflicts and this "not getting it" part of something that's driving this in her....no amount of time is enough for her and this is an insatiable unfullfillable "need" that is really, as far as I can see it.....and obsession with time as well as the house chore and the cleaning.
When I remember back about one of the major complaints she had with her ex-husband....it was because he bought a motorcycle and joined a riding group and would spend weekends with them riding. But then immediately after that she said...."I guess I could have shown more interest in it since he invited me along but I didn't want to go."
Yes. To the point. He needed to have some outlet of some time of his own...and if it wasn't of interest to her or what she wanted to do....she stayed at home and now he abandoned her. Any time...that is not shared....is stolen time from her. To the point...that even work time is seen as an obstacle in getting this need met.
When I finally got to the point of seeing this and then understanding "now"....in context to what she's not saying and I was forced to figure out....comes right back home to her mother and growing up in a situation where her mother did not have enough "TIME" for her.
That;s not the problem. The problem was her mother did not Love her...so "time" because the replacement for Love.
No one can give....all their time to another person and spend every waking available moment with them and have no time for yourself. Her effort to show me "pay back".....as retaliation to me ( as if this the problem on my end ) did nothing but give me more time to do what I need to do....but left her feeling even more alone and unloved that before.
There's one thing to go the extreme in one way as I know I've done in the past. It's another to go the extreme on the other end....and have no space to breath or no time of your own. That's holding someone hostage and demanding more than is reasonable.
Now in context tot that first question she was so adamant about when we first met that didn't really register with me at the time. I don't think her ex husband was spending a disproportionate amount of time away from her by going riding on some week ends with a group (even with her invited along)....he was getting away from her and the demands this created on him and needed some space just to breathe.
We're not surgically connected at the hip you know? This is a problem I have yet to find the answer for? Especially when this problem is actually causing a financial decline that I was forced to turn my back on just to make a living?
J
PS As I've come to understand....the word "Demanding"...is not just verbally. The is a source for that too.
Manipulation
Submitted by kellyj on
I just wanted to add....it also took a while to see the source for her manipulations. Her goal (if you can call it that) was not all about cleaning house or doing things of this nature....as I was beginning to feel "corralled" and began to feel the pulls of her manipulations....it took some time and applying it to her irrational arguments against the manipulations themselves...to finally see the source as I was "corralled in" and this was it.
What she is either subconsiously or even partially aware of that she doing....is usuing the rationalization that "no one has enough time for me" and using that as her excuse to manipulate you into spending every minute of time with her when she's not working or busy doing her own thing. That's fine when she busy and then goes the other direction..."I'm busy."...."I need time right now to rest"....."I need time to do my thing"......even when I'm available. And of course....this feels like rejection on my end but hey.....you talking to someone who can entertain themselves at the drop of a hat. I don't mind that time for sure. What I mind are the demands going the other way and her not seeing it. This over protective resource guarding is really a problem and quite obvious to me. Quite obvious and painfully so.
Any conversation that gets near this...is the very thing (one of them) that causes a vehement reaction and only becomes a fight. There is no amount of explaining or telling her anything to get her to see this or even begin to have a conversation about it.
And I know this...by first eliminating any other possibility it could be....by following her and just giving into her demands. I did it for a while just to see it and took any excuse she could point to me as the problem away from her.
I am angry about this of course. And I'm also not going to let her obsession dictate what I do. The process of figuring this out....took a long time and just going with it to see it. The endless arguments about this and the fighting have stopped. But now I am left with.....what to do about it?
This is not something you can predict or see easily and it did take a while for me to come to this conclusion. I see it....and I feel it.....and it is not healthy for either one of us.
This is a problem.
J
Thanks
Submitted by vabeachgal on
No worries. Help isn't always what u expect to hear
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
i understand. I would only ask of everyone to really think about what I'm saying and what it might already include before responding. When I speak, I do so with a lot of emotion that helps get my points across. Typing really can't get that done
Thanks to all of you as there was value in every comment
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
however,
there is a lot of misunderstanding going on bc if I told you the whole story this would be a book not a blog. Most of you have acknowledged that you are responding only to what was written which was considerate.
I do look at things from her perspective. I am a very deep thinker and very honest with myself. It's way too much info to get into here. Sorry I'm not addressing each post individually but many had the same concept. Trust me when I say I think about her side. I obsess over what is going through her mind. I feel greatly for her. Most of that come from her standing by my side when I was an alcoholic. Yes was, I'm one of those who believe in a cure to addiction, not "always an alcoholic". Those days are long gone and all is good. She's not so much as understanding when it comes to the ADHD. That's why I just bought her Melissa's book. It took a month before I could even get her to pick it up. She thinks I'm making it all up along w doctors. But she did start reading little by little and things are clicking.
I was basically talking about past deeds/help when referring to owing her. She is a very negative person always seeing to bad and the ugly in everything. I'm the opposite even when bed ridden with depression my comments are serious yet light hearted. She offers little help when I am in this state. I have to ask for water, food, whatever. When she is sick I'm at her side constantly.
Trying hard not to compare our good deeds here but trying to clear the picture up a little it's really too deep of a discussion to have on a forum such as this too many factors involved that I can't even remember myself there is just this feeling of would I be here if she didn't help out like she did IN THE PAST
Todd......What Might Help You
Submitted by kellyj on
Is to know what the problem is to begin with. The answers will do you no good unless you search for the problem and many times.....it's right in front your face. It's great to get help and find answers in a book if you are ready to hear them. If someone isn't ready to see the problem....the answers will do them no good.
I've read Melissa's Book through once and was ready to apply all the tools she offered in them....but my wife was not ready to look at the problem and could only see the problem as me. Nothing will come of it...unless you can find some way to reach through to your wife and let her know what the problem really is in your relationship. When someone is blind and can't look at the problem...it usually means they are frightened. Even if you know what it is and can see it as you've said ( I understand your dilemma....I share the same affliction as you)....when someone is frightened....it doesn't always mean they are afraid and full of fear. Fright is something that happens in the moment and it can be a paralyzing thing. It can make your vision very narrow since your flight and fight instinctual responses start taking over your own thinking processes which can ultimately blind a person to what is right in front of their eyes.
My wife for example.....I see things she cannot see. She like you I believe had a drinking problem that in her past that she feels in not there anymore. But when I look in the refrigerator and the top shelf is full of beer and wine and I'm not the one drinking it.....one beer at a time (or two everyday) though may not seem like it's hurting you....but if you can never go without and always have to have it there as that security that you will never run out....I see that as a problem. What I see is a dependency on alcohol if that's what's happening with you.
Self medicating is just another word for addiction and that's just another word for dependency. If you are dependent on your wife for doing things for you....you are not giving her a choice in the matter. You've presented you wife with a problem with your ADHD....but being dependent is also a problem and your wife is now saddled with more than just one. ADHD comes with a host of problems and dependencies like self medicating are just adding more to the list. You can't cure ADHD....but you can cure your dependencies. Even if you aren't requiring your wife to be dependent on you or demanding much from her....she has to live with it and there is a burden placed on her because it. There are untold and unseen expectations and burdens place on others due to our own failure to see what's right in front of our faces and the ones that you create yourself for others are sometimes right underneath you nose and why you can't see them sometimes. You may be seeing the problem on the surface in part for yourself and think you can see the problem and stop looking or searching. If you are part of the problem yourself....it's difficult to get others to be very empathetic with you if your not doing anything about it.
You're you wife's best source of information to her but if you can't see what your problems are....you aren't going to hear it when she does the same with you if you can't see it yourself.
What I see mostly with my wife for example....is fear and being frightened. It's where all her negatively comes from since she's not been able to see what all of our problems are together and listen to me when I attempt to show her the ones I can see.
I'm her best source of information if only she'd hear me the same as she is with me. No book of answers will do that for you if you are looking at the problem as the other person?
Those questions I asked you about drinking and personalities that come from them weren't about me. These are things I've seen in others throughout my life and now I am witnessing them again with my wife. If you don't think you change who you are even with one beer....think again. You are changing how you think and how behave and you will have a hard time seeing yourself when you do that. If I were you....I stop having that beer if that beer is still happening everyday. My wife tells me that she's been a moderate drinker in her life and I don't see any problems with her drinking now. One or even two beers or a glass of wine isn't a problem for anyone. But if you can't go without and never not have it there ready and not be Okay without it at all (if it were to suddenly vanish for ever) can you honestly say you'd be alright and not feel the need for that one beer you say you drink?
When I see someone change personalities in front of my eyes and they tell me they don't.....that's a problem as far as I can see? People have told my wife they see these two personalities come from her when she drinks and I've seen it too. Her brother is a reformed alcoholic and I believe so was her mother. My wife can only say her brother was because he has successfully stopped drinking now for over 16 years (if not mistaken). He won't touch a drop and I admire him for his commitment. He can go with us anywhere and sit while we drink and he has no urge or need to not be in the same room with anyone drinking whether it's a bar or restaurant or even at home.
But as my wife has told me of his past and how he use to be when he drank....she told me of how he use to change personalities and become that mean nasty drunk that I was asking you about. I've seen this in my wife come out of her on occasion and it's not a nice person to be around I can tell you. She may see that in herself to a certain degree later....but the subtle change with only one beer or a couple of glasses of wine she is not able to see in herself. It masks the thing underneath it...that is really the source of the problem as I see and it makes it difficult if not impossible to get someone to see that thing right underneath you nose sometimes.
One of the gifts if you could see it this way....it the fact that your wife points out your issues to you so you can see what she see's.....but as I hear you and do understand you as far as your relationship goes....your problems are as much hers as hers are to you. If you can't get these issues all out in the open and your not seeing what she's seeing...then you as much as the problem as she is until you discover the source.
The answers won't do you a bit of good unless you can apply them and know where to look?
J
PS FYI: I mentioned this thing about the top shelf always being full of alcohol and I wasn't the one drinking it and now in the past few weeks (right now when I checked)...the shelf is empty and my wife has changed quite a bit over the last couple weeks. She says it's because our T told her to not to say negative things and that may have been the thing that shifted her thinking but since that time...she's begun to also come to me and admit to me a few small things where she argued me on....that now she is seeing herself and agreeing with me.
In the same way....I've had to adjust my thinking and see these things the same knowing what I know. If admitting your wrong is the worst thing that you can do....then these small admissions and the unspoken things if I miss to see them....are also right in front of my nose as well. This is a treasure hunt at times if she isn't taking the risk to trust me or speak openly about them so for you Todd....I can say the same thing. If you see things and keep your eyes open and look for the signs....they will tell you things if you are searching for them even if it's difficult for you to do sometimes. I know for myself.....this is not something I've very good with. Noticing details.
PS FYI: I mentioned this thing about the top shelf always
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
good. We rarely keep beer at the house to answer your previous comment, ? Only if we have left over from boat trip. My friend works for Pabst and brings tons of beer. However it mostly sits until next boat trip. We rarely drink at home. I was very serious when I say "cured" I am no longer anywhere close to an alcoholic by all accounts. My Dr's are shocked and amazed but some good reading and pro help did the trick.
Chris Prentis writes books about addiction cure which I highly recommend
Oh btw. Addiction and dependence are two different things. Dependence is one body needing something on a physical level like a chemical/drug. Addiction is a psychological condition in which the mind is convinced it needs something. Diabetics are sometimes dependent on insulin but this is not an addiction. One hit of crack Cocain can make someone feel addicted but only taking it once or twice won't necessarily make them dependent.
Fyi
I Commend You For Doing What You've Done
Submitted by kellyj on
You should know right? You make a good point about dependencies as well. It's interesting how this works. Why someone gets easily addicted and others do not? I have no answer there but I do now that magic line I have for myself with it comes to these things. I mentioned for example my drinking habits not being a problem.
I'm also not a big gambler or even drug user in the past but I have experimented and used drugs in the past when in the company of people when they were offered in my younger days. It seemed, as it was for me....even if it was available to me and I could have as much as I wanted any time I wanted...there was a point...when the pay off I got from it waned and I had no interest in it further. I'm saying even with highly addictive drugs like Cocaine which I was exposed to after a enough time using them with (one friend in mind who was addicted) I could have easily become addicted with even the pull that it had and the amount of time I was exposed....still did not do that to me and that pay off and that magic line when I hit it meant....all benefits were grossly outweighed by the negative aspects.
I say this to you that you should know....because I saw this take over people and friends I cared about but there was no stopping them for the same reason I'm assuming it was for you. I can see this in myself in others ways that are not so obviously detrimental in the most common ones like you are talking about so I can understand it and understand what it takes to get past it and I think your a brave man to face your demons like you did and overcome them.
With all due respect....I really do commend you for the same as I said with my brother in law.
J
A perspective from the other side of the fence
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Never sees things the way I do
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
she gets on what I call principals. She thinks I talk too much therefore anytime I open my mouth, it's bad
she is a good person just so different. She sees things almost always as negative. That's my main issue
rarely smiles and jokes. Hardly ever laughs at what I say. Again I think out of principal. She has at some point established that I'm not funny to her so she will never laugh no matter what I say.
I See This Too
Submitted by kellyj on
Difficult to know what this about but as you mentioned principals it causes me to wonder? What I have discovered in my wife and how we are different as you are saying came about when we were talking together....in that she is a Social Worker and has this mind set sometimes when thinking about things. I mentioned to her (not to call her out but just an observation ) when we were talking about the up coming election and the difference between Republican and Democrats. She's an ardent Democrat and I'm not neither. lol
We had just watched a show ( a series ) of The Great Depression which was the birth place for social reform and social services. It was really fascinating to see how thousands of starving hungry people had marched to the doors of the capital building when Hoover was in office....who was adamantly opposed giving any aid or wellfare assistance to anyone (period)....knowing there were thousands of starving people who were homeless destitute and dying (some right on the doorstep of the Capital building itself ) at the very time a bill for relief was being voted down with these people right outside the door.
It was astounding to actually see the footage of these events and those principals that were in place as a means to justify their reasoning at the time. As it was said...."they don't deserve it, if they haven't worked for it." ( "quote unquote" )
We all know how that played out don't we? To a certain degree....that same fight is still going on today.
But as I was saying to my wife as we were talking about it.....there's what's in the best interest of the whole...and what's in the best interest of the individual. And in the same thinking....it's hard to apply one principle like this to your relationship when the whole is only two people with two individuals only yet....this kind of still applies if you get rutted into one way of seeing things and take a stance and refuse to budge.
Look at how negative the arguing is over this very thing in politics. These aren't debates (as in a structured format ) these are just throwing accusations at each other and making it personal. It's just arguing and fighting then....it's not really a debate on any intellectual level. (logistically that is)
I'll always remember the first rule of debate. As soon as you make it personal....you've just lost the argument.
The thing is....I think this all gets thrown out the window when you're talking to your spouse and emotions are involved. For good reason too.
J
Playing devil's advocate here
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Playing devil's advocate here. I hear Todd saying things such as:
"She thinks I talk too much therefore anytime I open my mouth, it's bad"
"She sees things almost always as negative. That's my main issue"
"rarely smiles and jokes. Hardly ever laughs at what I say"
"She has at some point established that I'm not funny to her so she will never laugh no matter what I say. "
To me, this sounds lke someone who is fed up with the ADHD symptoms and the lack of attention given to them on your part. It seems that you are looking to blame her responses for your own behavior issues. It also sounds like assumptions my owh H could say about me as well - as I am so tired of him with one foot in our marriage and one foot out, that I do not allow myself to get close anymore. Could she be at the point right now that she is protecting herself? You can only take the blame and take the brunt of these symptoms for so long - even from the person you love more than life.
Its hard to accept that ADHD is real, never mind affecting the one you love - but it makes alot of sense. All it is is a label to apply to a set of behaviors caused by different wiring. You say you bought her Melissa's book, and she is slowly starting to read it. The best advice I can give you to is to read the book yourself, and do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to show her that you take the ADHD seriously, and that you want to work on controlling your symptoms. If it means putting sticky notes all over the place to remind you to do things - do it. If it means keeping your mouth shut until you have thought about what you are going to say - then do it. Take the focus off of her, give her a break, dont worry about her and her reactions to ANYTHING and focus on your own behavior. Work on the problems you know you have, and really be open to ones you dont realize exist. Focus on your own work to improving your wellbeing. She will see it - trust me. And allow her the time to adjust to the idea that life might need to be lived a little differently. At this point - its a win win for you. If you do these things, and gain a strong and better control of yourself and your own behavior and actions - she will see this improvement and I can imagine will fall in love with the GOOD things about you again, since she will not have to focus on dealing with the bad things. And if she doesnt? Well - you can walk away, in control of your issues knowing you have done what you could in your life. No one is perfect, not even you or your wife, and you have to accept her failings as much as she accepts yours.
If your wife has dealt with uncontrolled and unmanaged ADHD this means she has had to suck it up, and deal with ALOT of things that most people would not put up with- funny enough - ESSPECIALLY ADHD people. My H would not last a minute in my shoes - I KNOW this for a fact, this is not conjecture. he cannot bear his own behavior reflected back onto him. He will complain and point out the very same things he does to me - in other people saying what asshats they are. I just look at him sometimes and wonder how he cannot see it in himself. LOL
Regardless - what I will say to you is this, quit thinking about what your wife is thinking - you dont know what it is. Quit worrying about her behavior and focus on changing your own. Quit worrying about her meeting your needs and start meeting hers. Put your focus on your own issues, gain control of yourself and I think you will be miles ahead of other ADHD people who live in denial. You clearly are reaching out for help and are ready for change. Now put your money where your mouth is so to day and DO IT. CHOOSE it every day. If you do - your talents and good ADHD qualities will shine like beacons in the night, and all the bad things you can at least keep in control as to not tarnish the good.
I hope that makes some sense. I ramble - mostly because I have lost my mind in the last 7 years. LOL
Stacey....As I Hear What Your Saying
Submitted by kellyj on
You pointed out exactly what I see in myself too. For Todd's sake...I can say this much. The hardest thing for me (an assuming most if not all) people with ADHD have trouble with is looking inward at yourself critically. We hear it so much that these things just get looked away from. (by us)
"She thinks I talk too much therefore anytime I open my mouth, it's bad"
Yep. This is an annoying feature and equally annoying on (in my case)...when the boy who cried wolf who is not doing this any more...says two words and get's a look that says (cringe) I'm not listening anymore. Or even if you say something briefly the "I hear ya". And nothing.(which nothing was heared....blah blah blah....)
This needs to be addressed head on. If we're not doing it or have stopped. Yes...an adjustment period is needed. Better just to talk about it openly...unless that has failed on our end. I get after 7 years....I'd be pretty fed up too. Either way....it's dismissive. Tit for tat is a poor way to communicate. As it's said.....passive aggression doesn't tell the other person what's on your mind or what you are angry about?
"She sees things almost always as negative. That's my main issue" impossible...next
"rarely smiles and jokes. Hardly ever laughs at what I say" in context. She's pissed.
"She has at some point established that I'm not funny to her so she will never laugh no matter what I say. " Hard to say? I know some people...who rarely laugh at anything and are always serious. Could be...a different sense of humor. I hear poeple say...."that's silly. I don't get "silly" humor." And this is absolutely true. They don't get it. My wife for example....does not get satire. Monty Python etc... Not funny to her at all even when it's not sophomoric or juvenile. It's "silly". Personal taste. We don't watch "silly" humor together.
Be considerate and respectful of differences in taste.
Just reminded me of something I heard that I can't remember the source and can't verify but...
Benjamin Franklin...known as a "statesman" not a politician. Was well know for practical jokes and humor. As I recall....he was not invited to the signing of the declaration of independence because of concerns of what he might do (possibly to the document).lol As I remember it.
I think that's a good case in point...be a statesman in your relationship....and know when it's not funny. lol
J
Ask her
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I could have written this. It sounds like me right now - kinda checked out and self protective, fair to partly negative, depending on the day. However, these are not abnormal responses to the stress of dealing with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. It takes great mental effort and force of will to remain positive in the face of an ADHD marriage. My husband is very charming in a boyish way. At some point it stopped being boyishly charming and became just plain immature and irresponsible because he was unable to distinguish time and place. I hardly see the charm anymore because ADHD behaviors are annoying. Sometimes I think a room full of middle school boys would be better. You say you are bedridden depressed and try to be positive? That's great. However, it might seem out of place and disjointed. If my husband was bed ridden because of depression, I wouldn't find the situation light. I would be very distressed and maybe outright scared. I wouldn't laugh at your jokes. I would probably stare at you like you have three eyes. If you, as you stated, have yo-yo emotions and behavior, she probably views your "lightheatedness" through that lens and sees it one part of a cycle - maybe why she doesn't find your attempts at humor very funny because it's followed by....?
Stacey is right. You probably don't have a clear idea of how the behaviors affect other people because well, for starters, she probably hasn't told you. Was she always super negative? I don't know. She, like me, probably doesn't like being negative and is not happy with how she has changed. Here's a non adhd spouse secret: she may feel a little cheated. She may even beat herself up about the negativity. I do. The best you can do for her is to help her regain her bearings and become what she may have once been. ADHD wears you down.
Trust that ADHD has been/is affecting her every bit as much as the alcoholism. Don't place any more guilt or expectations on her. She has treated you very well in the past. For now, leave it at that.
Stacey is right. Stop focusing on how she is disappointing you and work on being the best you that you can be. Help yourself and focus on giving her things she needs. Have you considered how she might feel right now? Truly? She just nurtured you through alcoholism and whatever else..... her internal dialog was probably something like this:
"Oh, thank goodness he's addressing his alcoholism. He's such a good person. I love him dearly. I know that once we put this demon to rest we will be happy and life will be good."
Then BAM!!! Sucker punch. "What is this ADHD?? You mean there is something else? It's NOT the alcoholism??? When does this end?"
If you don't handle the ADHD thing well, it will be easy for her to misinterpret that you are asking her to do MORE, take on more responsibility, nurture you through another issue, research, learn new ways to communicate, HOPE that the outcome will be okay....
Stacey's advice is spot on. Give her a rest and work on yourself. You're pretty clear on what you need and why you feel disappointed. Ask her... ask her what she needs. Like J points out, you may not get a definitive answer right away, and the answer may change over time, but it is a step in the right direction.
Liz....I Do Agree
Submitted by kellyj on
People really are mostly wonderful and have good intention with few exceptions. Barring the few....as far as relationships go on a person level....(thinking about what Jenna Mentioned about feeling Bullied)
If someone has a skill or a talent of natural ability what ever it is....and they intentionally use that to get the upper hand.....I think anyone will feel bullied if that is the case. You (the one feeling bullied ) will feel that way even if it's done unintentionally. If you see the best in people and see this differently...you won't feel bullied yourself if you can see it that way. The hard part is getting the other person to see it I think?
J
Quite sadly I have found myself in a conundrum
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
I have grown just in the last few days since joining this forum/blog. So much so that I believe it would be beneficial for my wife to join.
However, those reading this post and the fact I'm using my real name might see my dilemma.
I will try to get the webmaster to change my username registration and possibly do a search and replace on my name. If this can't be done I will have to request this entire post/subject be deleted.
I hate for this to happen because I think it could be of help to some others. But the fact is though I am open and honest with my wife, she would not tolerate or approve of what was said to strangers or how it was said. She is very private and this would send her over the edge. She would see words and take them far too literal and not see the big picture.
I hope we can manage to keep it under a different name.
forums and partners
Submitted by dancermom on
Good luck with the name change. I'd consider deleting it all and starting over. The most important thing is how you are learning and growing, not the record left behind on a forum, in my opinion.
I, also, think my partner could potentially benefit from being on this forum. He totally rejected the possibility he might benefit from an evaluation and counseling more than a decade ago. Made fun of the Hallowell book our counselor gave him. Never, in a year of joint counseling ever completed even one of our weekly homework assignments. There was always a reason! I also see, though, how my partner being here, knowing I was here, might not really get the safety he might need to open up. So many years of minimizing, rationalizing, covering, fogging over. So, I guess, I also hope I am long gone by the time he might show up. Reading Melissa's book really helped me. Reading people's real stories is also helping me. I think it would probably be really tough to be on the forum in the same time period, though, feeling like defending one's behavior etc...
I also believe, though, that the way I have spoken here would come as a shock to him. Even though there is nothing new here I haven't already said to him. It seems to go in one ear and into a foggy place and then disappear. He does not take in how overwhelmed and frustrated I am in any kind of enduring and deep way. He seems to be surfing through the wave and then breathing a sigh of relief on the other side. When I hear his versions days, months or years later of what I've said to him, the intensity is always diluted and the details are missing. He escapes it very well. Seeing it in black and white might be different.
I have really come to see that as frustrating as our situation is, he is up against something much harder than I realized, and there are reasons for all the layers of fog and covering. I don't blame anyone for deciding they've reached their limit - but by deciding to stick around, I am deciding to do the best I can to work on my side productively. Begging and begging and begging him to do specific things has proven to not only be useless but to actually set us back in making our power struggle more solidified and our cooperation less. I've disengaged from a bunch of unproductive things and set some limits, but I do much less reacting and confronting now. He can take almost ZERO authentic reaction from me about the daily frustrations I experience.
Right now there is some small motion occurring. It has not come from me sitting down and having big talks and making earnest plans. If he is going to see any way forward to improvement, the idea is going to have to come from him. I think seeing my reactions right now in real time on the forum when in our relationship there is not real space for them would be very tough for him and feel threatening.
It's interesting being on the other side of this dynamic. You are reading Melissa's book and wishing your partner would do "her part" and I read Melissa's book and wish my partner would do "his part." But the only fraction of this I can address is "my part." I think if my husband had read Melissa's book and come to me and asked for a "reset, with forgiveness and no more anger" without any substantial obvious changes on his side.. I'd just be more furious than before. Especially if it was presented as "what you should do."
Best of luck to you
Bless you for sticking around
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
This brings up another point, for me anyway. Could the partner of an ADHD pt be sticking around for "unhealthy reasons? Love is a great reason but do some say "love" because they feel sorry for the pt? Or perhaps they themselves feel they "owe" something to their partner because they suffer from this? Interesting thought I think.
Crayon - ABSOLUTELY. Just
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Crayon - ABSOLUTELY. Just because a non ADHD spouse doesnt have ADHD, it doesnt mean a free pass from other issues :-).
Many non ADHD spouses fall into a codependency that is VERY hard to recognize and then get out of. There is also a level of fear, esspecially if that non spouse has been the home care taker, with no career or job lined up should they require to make their own income. Most if not all nons will end up experiencing some form of depression, anxiety etc - from the sheer turmoil of being in a relationship with an ADHD spouse. You dont see many non married folks here (though there are a few) because generally speaking - the ADHD spouse is still in the hyperfocus, loving stage of the ADHD. So you walk into the marriage thinking your dreams are coming true, and then it slowly unravels (or unravels fast like a mack truck running you over at 70 miles per hour!). By that time - most of the nons are 100% invested and trying to take care of their ADHD spouse because they love them dearly.
Eventually- you get to the stage that some have reached here - the point where you realize there is NO REASON to stay anymore, or the ADHD spouse has made reconciliation or recovery an imposibility. There are a few who might need to stay for financial reasons (and that breaks my heart because it is a trap they are not choosing), and then there are some who will stay because they know that their spouse will fall apart - and cannot bear to see it no matter the pain and damage that comes their way.
Many - are just waiting around, hoping to what ever god they pray to that their ADHD spouse will "wake up" and realize how much better things can be FOR THEMSELVES, nevermind the non adhd spouse if they just got treatment and did the work.
So many of those reasons fall under the guise of "but I love him". There was a forum post a while back with the title "But I love him" that really hit home on this topic. And its a very good question. I think by the time people are hitting this forum - if they are the NON ADHD spouse - they are in a desperate state to try and help their marriage. And sadly - the most common outcome seems to be the non ADHD spouse leaving just to save themselves. Nothing to do with love.
My H is leaving me. And there is nothing I can or will do about it. Its his choice to walk away, to not even really try to do the work (which would resolve SO many issues of his own). Its not what I want, but I will not fight him any more. I will not stand in the doorway and beg for him to stay. I have reached that point that I am no longer co-dependent, and while I do love him, I love myself as well - and I have found that I am harming myself by sacrificing so much for someone who doesnt even find me or our marriage worth the smallest effort. I think all of the spouses here eventually come to that threshold. At that point - staying for love is no longer an option - so there has to be something else.
At least - that is my perspective on this, I hope that it answers your question?
Stacey
Submitted by kellyj on
I just don't get it? You seem like a great person and are totally willing and ready to do what ever. I will say this to you to give you some hope. Living in a co-dependent relationship is toxic to you. It may have sounded like my wife and I were on the brink with all the stuff I've written and the conflict it seemed we were having non stop.
What you were seeing was me....fighting against becoming co-dependent and there was line in the sand I had drawn and was not stepping over. I was fighting FOR my relationship....not against it but as I already now....there almost nothing worse really I can think of. This did take a lot out of me...but it was worth it as far as I was concerend. I may not have set a lot of clear boundaries yet...(getting better exponentially) but that line in the sand was one boundary that I wasn't going over.
I appreciate many of the things you've siad to me even if indirectly and I hope things look brighter for you in the future. I think what you're doing take a lot of guts and courage and I for one....think you got it in you.
Good luck and God speed
J
THANKYOU very much J. It
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
THANKYOU very much J. It really does mean a lot to me to read your words. It's a very hard road I am on right now, but I have to make the best of it. I am very very fortunate in that I am extremely independent and have my own income etc. I know many here are not in such a good position financially. It doesn't change the sorrow and even some of the fear.
Oh and you are right. I have been willing, I have been doing all the work, reading all the books, articles etc. even now as I have accepted that he is leaving I am still here to understand and help myself. I have done all I can do, and to him it's not worth it. He can't and he doesn't know why. I do, but he knows better... Paradox right?
Its ok though, ugh, because I am a fool no longer. I am a Phoenix, and I am rising. You will too J. Keep at it and don't loose hope even when things seem nutty! Come here for support and truth... You will find it.
Absolutely...I Concur With Stacey
Submitted by kellyj on
I never really got much out of my ex-wife....but in the end...she was the one who left.
I'm not being light and easy here with you Crayon so I hope you hear me when I say this...
Get your shit together boy...or you are going to end up alone. I hope that scares you because it should. Do everything you can right now and do not wait. You can turn things around but that will all be up to you right at first. Right at first....forget about what you want. I'm being serious. Do it now...read Melissa's Books....get help and don't wait around for you wife to do anything different. I'm teling you stratight up. How bad you think it is....is way worse than you think. I'd hold that in your mind and don;t forget it. Speaking from expereince it's no laughing matter.
J
What J said. :)
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
What J said. :)
you ou can salvage this, but you have to stop doing what you have BEEN doing and stop following your instincts. They are getting you into trouble. You need to retrain those instincts and retrain yourself. This is not changing WHO YOU ARE, this is simply changing your behavior and you interactions with others. Work hard, be open to how J said it's probably a lot worse than you think. Come here for support and help. Be honest, and focus only on you. Forget any work on her. Just focus on showing love and improvement to her. And nothing else. It might take a little while for her to trust you again and relax or not be angry. Accept it and use it to hone your self. No matter what you come out of this in much better shape.
Ok, I'm back as Crayon Bleau but all for not
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
all that worry and she will not join. Saying what I have already posted. She is too private and does not want her personal business put all over the Internet.
So, the name change was still a good idea but I don't have to worry about her and the pound of C-4 that would detonate when she read my post.
Thank you all for your contributions it has been /is an interesting and informative thread
a good friend used to call me crayon which I give a color to for certain applications
funny thing is crayon comes from a Cajun French word that means something that's not very nice but it was used jokingly
Crayon, nice to meet you
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I agree with Liz, and Stacey, J, and C. They've all given you good insight. Sadly, today, I saw a divorce lawyer and am charging my husband with adultery. I found text messages on his phone to his old college "girlfriend". The one he told me about last Christmas, whom he said he has ALWAYS been in love with, and not me. He's been going to visit her and vice versa, on top of his "other"affair with someone totally different several years ago.
He had the NERVE to tell me, "You never got your life together after the "mistake" I made". This iw someone who did nothing at all to help me heal or help me learn how to trust him again. He just ignored the whole thing, wanted it to go away and, "It's in the past, lets just get on with our lives". Impossible without help, and learning what CAUSED the affair, and how to heal things in BOTH OF US.
I was so angry when I saw those texts, when he kept ragging me about "trying to work things out". I yelled like crazy at him, ans I'm NOT an angry person, or a screamer. (didnt scream, just was very angry) We agreed to work on ourselves while separate, and THEN re-think things. Yea, he ran right into the arms of his (new sort of, and shiny thing right now). But, she will find out, he will loose hia focus and attention REAL FAST after he knows he HAS her.
What a very sad end to what could have beena good life, but he still wont admit how bad his ADHD is. He's gone off his medication totally now. And what a difference when he DOESNT TAKE IT.
Anyway, Crayon, I'm glad you talk about your ADHD and are being open. I hope you keep posting and tell us more about your lives together. This forum hasbeenSO HELPFUL to me,and the folks here are wonderful, as well as the amazing moderators.
Best of wishes for you qnd your wife.
Dede
Hi, Dede. I'm sorry to hear
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Dede, wishing you well
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Every step of your way.
What it looks like from what you've written so far
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Crayon, I've been in read only for awhile. I'm the non ADHD spouse of a man with ADHD. He and I are working our tail off on our relation. We've been through our versions of a handful of the usually reported problem areas in intimate relations where there is ADD/ADHD involved. We'll have more ups and downs, because we're human beings..We're in it to go all the way
If you stick around and read about other people's lives on this forum not only the comments on your own post, you'll find that frequent ADHD related problems get reported here whether the relation is non ADHD /ADHD or a pair that both have it. So no many of the issues of a relation are NOT due to the non ADHD person not understanding, yes they're ALWAYS to the couple, both, not just one, on a learning and changing curve
From the beginning post of yours, to which I'm responding, all the way to what you've written today, I've had the strong impression that you've already made up your mind to dump your wife, and are just practicing it in your head that she's so much of a F up on all counts, that you're justified in dumping her. I get this impression because you dont do anything other than list her faults, list what doesnt work because she's some kind of a F up, and say scornful things about her. That's the major pattern of anything you have to say about the two of you.
I think before you take J's advice to focus on yourself and inquire of yourself what you were doing earlier in the relation that triggered her anger, you need to have a man to man with yourself over whether or not you have the desire and will to actually work on the relation.
Not what you think you ought to do, or what you think you owe her, or what will make you look good to your friends or to us. No, look yourself in the eye and ask yourself as an adult, if you are already out the door mentally on this relation with her. It sure reads like it to me, from your bitter, persistent listing of all her faults.
Ask yourself. And dont quickly tell yourself what to think or what your answer should be. Dont do that jumpy attention, self interrupting thing. Ask yourself, man to man. And LISTEN to yourself when you tell yourself the truth. Tell yourself the real truth, not the self justifying answer. You sure read like you're cobbling together a set of excuses for what you've already decided, about dumping her. Of course all we've got of you is your words, and there's more of you, of her and of your relation offline
If, man to man to yourself, and telling the truth to yourself, not hiding from it, you're done with her, have the mercy to set her free and get her out of your life as soon as you can. It will be acting in truth to her, giving her freedom and removing someone you write as if you despise from your life. Have the honor to pay for your half of the divorce, do it fast and get into another future
if telling yourself the truth, you are really willing to work, going well beyond bitching at her to the kind of mental and moral work that J just proposed to you, for STARTERS, to do with yourself for Petes sake get into therapy with someone competent, as soon as you can. Get going. Whether she's initially or ever willing to go into therapy with you. Talking to us is a decoy. Therapeutic work is harder than posting
You're a different man than my husband and I'm a different woman than your wife but I can tell you that one thing remarkably different in the two relations, whatever else you and your wife do with each other, is that he and I are not spending our time bitching to other people about what's wrong with each other, building airtight cases that "he's/she's the a-h and I'm the innocent one". That's very corrosive. You, by your own lonesome, regardless of what she does, will kill your relation dead by insisting on living in a mental world in which your wife is deficient and wicked. She's obviously not
Good Avdise..NON
Submitted by kellyj on
Speaking only for myself as I said what I said. My wife and I have a different set of issues and things we struggle with...and my account...looking for a way out of my relationship is not my personal issue for example.
But as I have tried to say before and not been extremely clear...is it really hard on your partner when she/he is trying to accommodate you and work within your relationship...and she feels from you you..that you are looking for a way out....rather than looking to stay in.
This will not only get perceived and interpreted from her as you not really trying or being interested...and then lose any motivation on her end in proceeding any further with you. This can be frustrating and will only cause her to feel angry...and eventually with no change in this attitude...she will give up trying herself and will become resentful of you. I would too if I were your wife Crayon if what NON is saying and this is what you're doing.
Why even keep trying if this is happening...coming from her end? This will only precipitate and cause the very thing your thinking about and it will become a self fulfilling prophecy by this kind of thinking in itself. You are your own worst enemy in this case.
Something to think about and come to terms with this yourself first... and then admit to yourself that you either you want to stay and work on it....or you'd really rather leave and get out? You can't have it both ways...either you're in....or you're out.
But you have to make up your mind and not stay on the fence and do nothing (about this attitude that is) It comes through to your wife I'm sure...whether she's says this or not?
J
Exactly, J
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Exactly, that last that you wrote. It's a colossal waste of one's own life and that of one's partner if in all truth, one or both of the pair are so done with the relation that they'll never work on better with their partner, beginning with their own needs to change for better. You've likely picked up that I'm not pro divorce and not in favor of bailing when things get bad in a relation.
Friend, I hear all kinds of details of what you say about your life that tell that the two of you want the relation and are at it. You know, I'll bet over the very long haul, in the long race, one of the pair has the lead and then the other does...you keep at it. I've thought a lot about what you've told us about your wife's early in life abuse, and her remarks about needing to feel safe. You remarked about your own needs, for your own good reasons, to live in a port of safety and wellbeing...
Maybe because it has been one of my and my husbands best means to use when we hit rough waters...and we have...I'm always cheered when I read things like you and your wife had a conversation about it again the next day. Keeping at it.
Best to you both
Thanks NON....For That Vote of Confindence
Submitted by kellyj on
I know Melissa has mentioned in the past that by the time people come here to this forum...and they're already in crisis. As I interpret this now and what you said (and what I was saying about one partner becoming resentful even if they aren't looking to leave...but possibly from the other one doing this very thing...it's very difficult to pin down who started it....and who's now become that way...when both people are at the point of being disillusioned and both are angry and resentful and hurt. By that time...it is a huge waste of time to point fingers. Both people have their reasons for feeling the way they do and no one is going to able to see the big picture until you stop doing this very thing. Even if you didn't start out this way...one person can effect the other to change. Once that change happens....it's hard to blame one person or the other because at that time...both people are pretty much doing the same thing. This gets no where until you sort this all out.
As you pointed out...that port of safety is needed just to protect yourself from any future damage in an attempt to make it STOP. As I hear Crayon....I hear these words coming from him which is exactly to the point.
I think what needs to STOP first...is doing any more damage. From the place of someone with ADHD...I understand the difficulty in some of the things we do that are causing damage due to our symptoms. But as far as the behaviors we can control and do something about...is not accusing each other for wrong doing...and look at your own behavior and what can be done about it. The behaviors and things that come from them like anger and resentment....is something that can stop (and are possible) in yourself. Resentment is not an ADHD symptom for example. That you do have control of . You can change that today...if you decide to stop and work on just that one thing like simply changing your attitude. I think attitude is what comes through to the other person...whether you realized it or not. Removing those negative thoughts and accusations which fuel that attitude will do wonders for how you feel about you partner. And especially.. if both are in the same place together no matter who or what started it....the way to get back out in my mind is to change your attitude first.
Funny...what popped into my head....Mary Martin (Playing Peter Pan on Broadway) "think lovely thoughts." lol
I like it. lol
J
Attitude
Submitted by Toddschubert@gm... on
many, I'd almost say most, people misuse or don't know the true meaning of attitude. You are on track but I see people take similar statements to your's the wrong way.
I build and fly model airplanes. Being an aircraft pilot of any sort really teaches you the true definition of attitude. (Not to be confused with altitude) Lola!!!
attitude is not a feeling or a belief. It is not a display of any type feeling. It is certainly not a look on someone's face after hearing or seeing something. It is not behavior.
There needs to be a word for those descriptions but I'm at a loss on that.
ATTITUDE: is quite simply your position relative to your surroundings. This position can be perceived or actual. Perceived is where I think people confuse it with a feeling but still it is just your place in reference to everything else around you.
Controlling your attitude or the ability to control it is a very powerful thing. But again, it is not a feeling or a look. It is your place in relation to everything else.
Make this place positive and you will FEEL good, vise versa.
I wish for more people to understand that simple truth. Understand the TRUE meaning of ATTITUDE and many doors open up in your mind.
J, I can only hope you are able to spend as much time on your art, yourself, and your relationship as you have on my post. Your guidance, advice, and help are much appreciated. Like me, you are a deep thinker. My thoughts are mostly scientifically oriented some simple projects and inventions, some complex theories about the energy that binds the universe (and all other universes). I can get my mind around some deep shit sometimes!
Yes, don't play games. Find
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Yes, don't play games. Find out if you really want to be with her. From your other posts, I believe you do, and maybe that you are letting the excuse of obligation and her negativity excuse you from the hard work of treating your adhd tendencies and the real fear that in the end, she still might be too far gone to accept it.
that is a real risk. It's one that we non adhd spouses face every day as we try to help, convince, beg, plead, take care of, and clean up after our adhd spouses. By the time your wife is at the point she is at (sounds similar to where I am at) it's probably because she has already been taking these risks every day and has come to the conclusion that you are unwilling to or afraid to put in the work she has already put in. I am of course projecting here, but to her it probably will take a while of SOLID WORK from you before,she would even be willing to consider taking those walls back down. I know that's how I feel. I would need to see dedication and work before I would be willing to open my heart up to my H again. This has nothing to do with love. I love my H very much. But because he will only try a little, and then when he stumbles he gives up imediately, and uses the excuse of being broken to justify it. I am tired of the routine. I am tired of him with one foot in and one foot out like J says. I am telling you this as the spouse in the position of your wife. I no longer see any future with my husband because he has proven to me that he isn't willing to take the risk, put in the work and get back up on the proverbial horse after he has fallen off.
if you are serious about wanting to work on yourself, and hopefully repair your relationship then do the work. Accept that she won't believe you or trust you for a long time. Once you are trained not to believe in someone it's hard to rebuild. She is going to get upset with you when you fail and you WILL fail. Accept it. Deal with it, move on. My H doesn't get that concept so he is running again. This time I am not stopping him. Maybe your wife just isn't going to stop you this time too