fiance with ADHD HELP.

Reading a lot of stories on here, some have helped but some, only left me feeling hopeless. Maybe someone will have positive words of encouragement, and give me hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel.

My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. We've always known he had adhd (never knew all the effects however). He never took medication for it. He always self medicated using pot. He was a former cocaine user, but stopped that on his own, with no rehab or 12 step program, about 6 months after we met. Another problem that went hand and hand with the cocaine, was texting other girls, nasty perverse things. I found them, and confronted him, he apologized and made no excuses for himself, swore he would stop and that it was the cocaine that made him do it. We were only together at the time for a few months so I let it go. He soon after stopped the drug use, and things were good. But we suddenly stopped having sex. At first I tried to still come onto him. But after countless rejections, I was humiliated. And eventually gave up. I found it impossible to talk about with him. I was embarrassed, and afraid of what his response would be. We just went along having sex once every 1,2,3 months. I'm 26 & very sexual, so the lack of sex made me very depressed. But he's a great guy, and he loves me. So I just stayed, in silent, for years. I started therapy about a year ago for road rage, and began to discuss our relationship and the lack of sex. I soon realized that it wasn't only sex that was the problem. There was NO INTIMACY. NONE! I had forgotten what that word even meant. and NO communication. I had been in the pattern with him for so long of no intimacy, no sex, and not talking, that I just accepted it over time. But after starting therapy realized how sad and unhappy I was about it, even though I remained so in love with this person.

We got engaged 6 months ago. We were and still are happy about it. But still the topic of sex, or lack there of, remained not discussed. Knowing that I did not want to end up in a sexless marriage I knew I needed to say something. About a month ago (making a very long story short) I discovered that he had been texting his ex-girlfriend, and lying to me about it. He at first acted like every man does, and turned it around on me, him being the one that was angry, making me feel like it was my fault, and I was the crazy one. Then, came clean. Told me that he had never stopped with the text messaging. And for the entire relationship had been texting, his ex, and dozens of other girls. He would download apps on his phone (that f*cking phone!) and meet local girls and texted them. He claims he's never physically cheated, but how can I believe someone who spent the past 4 years lying to me. He broke my heart. But I saw how sorry he was, and how bad he wanted to stop. The fact that we don't have sex, but yet he talks to hundreds of girls sexual, makes me sick. He cheated, whether it was physical or not. (Still not knowing that his adhd was the source of all evil) I told him he needs individual therapy and we need couples therapy as well, he agreed, and within 2wks he went to his first appointment. So now after only a couple wks of therapy we know that the problem all along was the ADHD. a problem that I always thought meant, he couldn't sit still, or a reason for parents to put their kids on medication to shut them up or stop them from jumping all over the place. Apparently is the cause of all our problems. I'm sympathetic, I understand after reading all these posts what the ADHD men and women go through. But I'm so scared that our sex life will never improve, the intimacy will never improve, and we'll remain this way forever. He is so thankful that I gave him another chance, and is so sorry for hurting me. We've been talking much more, so the communicating is improving and he's trying so hard. I know its only been a couple weeks, and I cant expect miracles. He is on Cialis now. So we've have been having sex once a week...but it does not last long, and still is not enough. I know its a huge leap to go from once every 3 months to once a week, but if it stays this way I won't be happy. To marry someone knowing that sex once a week is what I have to look forward to is disheartening. I love sex and want to feel that intimacy and passion with him, I'm so afraid we'll get married and things just won't change. 

I know a lot of ADD men have porn addictions, and masturbate instead of sex, but that's not the problem here, he just has no sex drive. Do medications for ADHD help this problem?! Does anything help this problem?! Any advice on things I can do to help him?! I'll do anything, and I love him. I know all this is not easy for him to deal with. Esp talking about the lack of sex. So I want to make it as easy for him as possible. I do believe him, when he says that he won't text message any girls anymore (even though I may be stupid to believe him). Even though trust right now is a huge issue, I still in the back of my mind believe that he's genuinely sorry for his actions, and would never hurt me again. But it still hurts. Memories are ruined, and that is hard for me to deal with. Knowing that when he proposed, behind my back he was texting perverse things to other women, yet being so closed off with me. It's hard, so any words of wisdom would help. I appreciate everything everyone has to say on here, even though some was discouraging, it was still all helpful. I had no idea ADHD had so many symptoms, and could cause so many problems. I'm also open minded to any good books that may be helpful..thanks so much!

Oh just get out

This may sound harsh, but just don't marry him.  Or, well, that is really too harsh to say.  Just think really long and hard about what your gut is telling you about marrying him.  If I could go back and not marry my ADHD husband, if I would have trusted my gut....oh the mental anguish I could have avoided.  Even if your fiance does change eventually, how bad does it have to get before then?  My husband eventually became physically violent with me too.  I lost all hope and self love.  Finding my way out now if a challenge, but I will eventually find my happiness again.  I know that there are many other wonderful people out there in the world who will not drive you crazy on their rollercoaster of ADHD.  Love yourself enough to not put yourself through more loneliness and pain.  I do not have all the answers, but I am still searching for the best solution.  I do know that I should have listened to my gut, even though I thought I loved my husband.  Still do when I see glimpses of his "real" self.    Why on earth should you struggle your whole marriage to manage him and his issues.  You will lose yourself in all of it, if you have not already.  Good luck.  I hope I have not offended you in any way.  Stay strong and love yourself. 

This isn't about ADHD, this

This isn't about ADHD, this is about the first 4 years of your relationship with him being based on a lie. ADHD does sometimes cause impulse control issues and compulsive behaviors (that they are later sorry for), but FOUR years???

Really...what is there to love about this man? You don't even know who he is...he was able to lead a completely double life for four years. If he wasn't able to put all of the texting behind him when he fell in love with you, why do you think he will now? You have a very tough decision...I would definitely recommend that you WAIT a long time before marrying him. I just can't think of anything positive to say about this situation, I'm sorry. At the very least, he need to be treated for his addiction to sex (or whatever it is that has led him to be able to carry on, on such an intimate level, with other women right under your nose for 4 years...all the while neglecting you and withholding intimacy)

Thanks so much for your

Thanks so much for your advice! Both of you! As of right now the wedding is currently on hold. He didn't leave me much choice with that one. But I do feel like the last 4 yrs have been a lie. Things are better now that we're in counseling. But it's not going to be easy to get past. Only reason I'm giving him a shot is because I do love him, obviously. And he's trying. If he was opposed to therapy, both individual and couple's, then I would tell him to beat it. But he's been going once a week to both. And I've been checking his phone records religiously. So really the only positive right now is that he's getting help. And he's not using the ADD as an excuse. He didn't even have an excuse when I first found out. It was both the couple's and his therapist that informed us it was the impulsivity of the ADD that triggered it. I'm young, but I had two prior long term relationships, that ultimately ended because they had problems that they refused to get help for, and refused to recognize as a problem. So if I leave this person now, who is willing to go through all the necessary means to make him and us better, only to maybe find someone with an even worse problem, who is not willing to fix himself. I just haven't met anyone without an issue, granted its an issue that ultimately hurt me. And that doesn't have to be the case with someone else. But maybe it will be...So I'm just hanging in there right now, and hoping for the best, in time we'll see. As far as my dream of a big fabulous wedding, its not something that I'm thinking nor caring about right now.

thanks guys! =]