Filed for divorce from ADHD husband

7 years of marriage and two children later and it's finally time to end things. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but I wasn't aware that he had it for many, many years into our marriage. I was seduced by a charming, attractive man who was once my world! From the day we got married I cooked, cleaned and tries to be the perfect wife. I even let him have several boys nights out with the guys because I trusted him. Two weeks after we got married I sat down to our laptop and found him still logged into his email. Tie weeks after we got married I found out that he had been having an affair from the moment he proposed. I quickly kicked him out but let him come back days later because I loved him. I would later find out that he went to her house to have sex with her that night. I wish that I could say that things got better after that time...but, he was always broke, wouldn't help out around the house and started hyper focusing on bowling, NASCAR and wrestling. I felt so lonely and I had to beg him for a date night...he told me he could squeeze me in on Wednesday evenings when he didn't have anything going on. Then came the pregnancies...I threw up for 4-months straight with both pregnancies and has to go to the hospital Often to get IVs, he left me alone upstairs in my room for nights at a time. I would cry myself to sleep because I was so jealous of those women who had men who would run out for pregnancy cravings or get excited to feel the baby kick while my husband's new obsession had become semi-pro football. Eventually the house had gotten so disgusting that I had to my a mask just to clean while suffering through the morning sickness. I thought it would get better...but, while I was in labor for 48 hours my husband was complaining that he was tired and falling asleep or playing on his phone while my sister-in-law helped me breathe through contractions. I finally had a c-section and my husband left me alone for 6 hours to drink beer with his dad...meanwhile I has no one to help me get my baby up to breast feed or assist me with going to the bathroom. I sobbed uncontrollably. The following weekends he spent out of town with football, leaving me with a newborn baby...my heart was broken. Three months later I was pregnant again..

It never got better. Their were many other email relationships that I caught him in...he'd never really apologize or never seem to think he'd fine anything wrong...I was dying a little every day. I was overwhelmed with trying to keep it all together with 2 small children and an ADHD husband. I would talk to him about my hopes and dreams or cry to him when I was upset and needed emotional support, but within 30 seconds he'd interrupt me to talk about himself or something random. Eventually I just stopped talking even when someone closed to be passed away. I felt such sadness and I was angry! I yelled and screamed just so he would hear my cries for help but it never worked. Then he became obsessed with porn...the object of his new hyper focus. I was always a super confident woman, but the affairs, the porn and the non-acknowledgement raped me of my self-esteem little by little until I was overweight and suicidal. How could a man who promised to love me hurt me so bad?

My husband had our utilities shut off several times, planned vacations for himself with his buddies and friends from high school but never once took me overnight anywhere or on any vacations. He probably only took me on 5 real dates in 8 years. Yet I stayed even though every day I was so unbelievably sad...why couldn't he just love me enough not to let his ADHD ruin everything? I gave and gave to him. I was the bread winner, the maid and the cook. I just wanted someone to care and to hold me when I hurt. He did try meds for one year but wouldn't really try with the cognitive therapy. He could never taken responsibility for his ADHD and would pass the blame to me. I would try to help him with lists, texts and phone reminders but he'd ignore them and I get pissed! Love starting turning to hate...and, finally I decided to get out. His ADHD was affecting me and my kids and causing psychological damage. My kids were upset because daddy would sleep the weekends away and wouldn't play with them and go kid stuff...he started hyper focusing on car shows instead and his dad time with them would only be bringing them along for his hobby not caring that three and four year olds are more interested in the zoo than car stereo system competitions. The final straw came when the water and gas was shutoff again on my children and I forcing us to bathe with water bottles and not being able to cook because gas was out...all while his 32-year-old self was partying for 6 nights out at the bar every single night on a bros only Florida vacation. I finally had the moment of clarity that I could go on with his failure to find ways to control his ADHD or I could get out and finally have a shot at real love and happiness. It was like I was relieved of a 1000 pounds of baggage. I generally feel sorry for by soon-to-be-ex...he has no money to move out and he still blames everyone else for his problems instead of the ADHD. I'm going to eventually be fine...now I worry about my children visiting him...

The real kicker? I'm a senior non-commissioned officer in the United States military with many awards, decorations and educational degrees, I'm a Veteran of two wars, highly successful in my career and a loving mother. I can fight the Taliban, but I could not fight my husband's ADHD. How sad is that? I've never failed at anything...I put up with my cheating, self-centered ADHD husband for too long and it almost made me take my own life. I'm thankful that I have seen the light and have decided to let go of the toxicity because I know that one day I'll find someone worthy for me to love and someone who will love me completely... 

First, good for you and

First, good for you and please don't blame yourself. Second , you have been dealing with so much more than ADHD. I suggest you read Back from Betrayal by Schneider. Most resources about infidelity seem to suggest the betrayed partner should "do something spontaneous and saucy" in order to recapture their partner's interest but this book will help you release yourself from responsibility for his inappropriate and hurtful actions. I have had the experience of letting my husband's unresolved problems hurt and damage me but it is possible to claw back a life for yourself. In the past few years since my DH's behavior has escalated I have pulled myself out of isolation, built a stronger spiritual foundation, and become financially independent. Today I too told my husband, who I do love and care about and worry about, that I will be divorcing him. All that remains is to decide the logistics. Good luck to you. It's a super tough journey that you are on but not impossible- you are not alone and you can do it.

You WILL be much happier

Congratulations on doing what needs to be done. It sounds like you may have devoted yourself to others your entire life, expecting that others would also rise to the occasion and do the right thing. You sound like a wonderful person with a wealth of personal integrity, and we need more people like you in the world. I wish much better for you than you are currently receiving.

You have probably been willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and assume all people want to make themselves better people. The shocker for you will be to fully realize that not everyone is so motivated. It sounds like your husband may have only mediocre values, and he will probably be that way his entire life.

Your life will be better after you leave. Maybe right away, maybe after a little healing time. But you are a survivor, and you will come through this a thousand times better off than you would be trying to "help" him be the person he may have no real desire to be. Put that effort into your children and finding a person who shares your desire to be there for each other and to love and cherish each other. You will find that person when you make a clean break from this person who has no desire for the kind of closeness you are capable of.

Prayers and best wishes! See my post on domestic abuse -- it may be helpful too.

 

 

Mediocre values. Thanks for

Mediocre values. Thanks for the term.  lynnie, that is our problem exactly.  It is not so much the ADD as his mediocre values that I cannot tolerate anymore. 

It is the mediocre values that give me the unsteady feeling that DH is getting his needs met elsewhere and not trying at home. 

Divorce in your situation ... Wishing you joy.

 

I am so sorry to hear about the years of heartache, frustration and loneliness you have had to endure. Based on all that you shared with us, your choice to divorce is quite understandable. For many of us, it is not so clear to know what steps to take in our lives. With time, I think you will see another accomplishment instead of failure; the fact that this marriage failed was not any of your doing. The only thing that I have to wonder about is the distinction between ADHD symptomatic behavior and flat out character flaws ... Seems like sometimes people allow blame for poor behavior to be attributed to ADHD symptoms, when really what you have before you is a jerk that happens to have ADHD. His ADHD symptoms do likely contribute to his negative behavior and choices, but in my observation, he is just a selfish, inconsiderate and cruel person. I realize this is your husband, and father of your children that I am talking about, so if I upset you with my words, I am sorry. I hope you don't move forward in life thinking that the traits you have been dealing with in your marriage are traits that all ADHDers suffer from. Some of us are very much the opposite; we care more, try harder and love more deeply than many people. We are sensitive, compassionate and want to be the best that we can be for our families. Thank you for your service to our country, and I hope that you are able to move forward and find the love and happiness that you deserve. Your strength and emotional well-being will provide your children with a good example of good character and honor. Continue to guide them, nurture them, love them and teach them in positive ways that reinforce the morals, ethics, honor and compassionate behavior that you want them to have. Let their emotional and physical well-being guide your actions in the way you deal with their father, and the way you talk to them about him for all the years to come. Hopefully, he will become a better role model and example for them, but either way, he will always be their father, and they will always be a part of him. Gently nudge them towards recognizing the good in them that they got from their father, and quietly work to discourage the negative behaviors that may rub off from dear ol' dad. Don't forget that ADHD is inheritable, and if you are consumed by hate for the disorder, you may have a child that feels less worthy of your love some day. Just keep an awareness with you regarding ADHD, so that you can be there for one of your own if they happen to show signs of the disorder themselves someday. Let them know they are special in many wonderful ways and that they have the choice to be good in character, and not ruled by negative behaviors that may or may not present themselves as a result of ADHD. There are amazing, successful, talented, creative and caring people in the world that deal with ADHD, and let them inspire you and your children to see that ADHD does not make someone selfish, inconsiderate and irresponsible as a person, but that for the most part, a person chooses the kind of human being they want to be.

Wishing you health and happiness,

Pepper

There is a difference

There is a difference between being an ADHD sufferer and an Arsehat.  Your husband *may* well have had ADHD,  but he is definitely an Arsehat.

Sorry if that is me impulsively blurting out inappropriate comments, but you have done the right thing.  :$