My husband of 6 years has adhd, and has barely worked since we got married. His adhd was diagnosed before we got married, and he has been medicated ever since. He had a job for a couple years before we got married, then lost it a few months into our marriage because he did something impulsive that made the boss angry. He sat around for a few months not looking for work, until finally I told him that that was not OK with me, and that he could either work or go to school, but sitting around and not doing anything was not OK. He chose to go back to school to get a degree in Construction Management (probably not a great choice for someone with adhd) got all the way to the final class and did not pass it. He had to wait another year to take the class again (during which time he did not work and barely looked for a job), and again failed it, this time because our son's birth coincided with the end of the course. The birth wasn't a surprise, but he procrastinated so much that by the time the baby came there was no way he would finish.
I'm so angry because I have worked really hard for the last 15 years or so so that when the time came I'd have enough saved up to stay home with my child for his first year or two of life. However with the economy like it is and a partner who doesn't contribute I didn't feel secure leaving my job, and returned to work after my maternity leave. We hired a nanny so he could take the course once more this spring, and he again dropped out near the end of the course.
I see so many similarities with the posts on this site.. he makes me lots of promises that he's going to look for a job on Monday, but Monday never comes. Always words, never actions. In the mean time I am working 30 hours a week, caring for our 1-year old, and doing almost everything around the house. I pay the bills, cook, do the dishes, do the shared laundry (he does his own clothes, but rarely does our son's) He does watch our child while I'm at work, but as soon as I'm home he is off to play disc golf, or relax on the porch for the evening while smoking and playing games on his phone. He'll do this for hours. We had agreed at one time that since I cook the dishes were his job, but he never seemed to get around to it, and they were always piled high, making it hard for me to cook. If I asked him to do them so I could cook, he'd question whether they *really* needed to be done, or if I was just trying to tell him what to do. If I just did them myself to avoid the confrontation he'd call me passive aggressive. It seemed my only option was to just put up with dishes piled high. On the advice of our therapist we came up with a schedule for child care, but he will often not show up when it is his turn, and come home a few hours later apologizing, saying he lost track of time. This happened so many times I just gave up on the schedule altogether.
I feel horrible because I know he's in a really bad place, but I have reached the limit of what I can tolerate, and I feel like I've been a total doormat. He forgot my 40th birthday, barely acknowledged me or my son for my son's first Christmas, and forgot my first Mothers' Day. I deserve better. He just looks for excuses and doesn't seem to take responsibility for getting better. I pointed out that I thought we had the parent / child dynamic going on, and he now throws that back in my face repeatedly, saying that a lot of this is my fault for treating him like a child and being a controlling "parent". While I understand there is some truth to that, he's being a victim and not taking any steps toward changing. He's very focused on placing the blame elsewhere. I've lost respect for him, and just don't see how I could ever get it back at this point. I feel very sad for our son, and wish I could find a way to fix this for him, but I think staying in the relationship for him will just show him a very unhealthy example of a marriage.