I was inspired by JJamieson's recent posts on a different thread to think about the following: describing the problems in my relationship without beginning with "he" (my ex-husband) "did X" or "he is X." I think this is a useful exercise because accepting responsibility for our own choices and behavior is important. Here are some of my "I" statements; I hope others will chime in with their own.
I was unhappy with my relationship because I was afraid I would get into legal trouble based on my then-husband's financial dealings.
I was unhappy with my relationship because I felt like a low priority for my then-husband.
I was unhappy with my relationship because I realized that I was as alone and lonely while married as I would be if single or divorced.
I was unhappy with my relationship because I couldn't figure out a way to be the person my then-husband seemed to need without giving up essential (to me) parts of my personality and behavior.
C ur self....
Submitted by c ur self on
I was unhappy in my relationship because I was placing expectations on her, that wasn't in her ability to meet...I wanted her to Love with a Fervency and in ways she wasn't capable of....I've had to learn to be content w/ her ability to attach, in order to find happiness and peace in the relationship.
This one
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I think C has nailed J's point. I don't think it can be about them AT ALL. It has to be about you.
I am unhappy in my relationship because
Submitted by jennalemone on
I am unhappy in my relationship because I am ashamed to be with H. I am ashamed that I compromised too much. I am ashamed that I have been weak. I am ashamed of myself.
I am unhappy in my relationship because I am afraid of our financial future.
I am unhappy in my relationship because I feel worthless and unlovable. I hear my father's disdain in my husband's disdainful, harsh/careless words and feel my father's inattention to me in H's inattentiveness and lack of connection.
I am happy in Life because
Submitted by jennalemone on
This exercise is interesting to me. I am going to persue it further. Liz said something on another post about going through ALL the work of reading books, going to counselors, lists of actions, etc that we have done over a LONG period of time, realizing that no one else has the answers or the cure-all for us. That if there is something wrong in our lives, we get to listen to the voice inside of us. Our thoughts and feelings are not wrong for us. So, with that, WHY am I still on this board searching for something?
To look at my answers to the "unhappy" question, I answered that I am dealing with shame, fear and loneliness. How does a person rise above the human psyche that just IS in them? I have been in the habit(?) of feeling badly for a long time....shame, fear, lonesome. To STOP the habit of where my mind goes so often, I will try to actively change my thought habits and my way of speaking.
Here goes:
I am happy because I have pride in my self....my looks, my family, my home, my career, my choices.
I am happy because no matter what happens I have faith in God/Life, in family and friends, and in my ability to withstand difficulties.
I am happy because I have been loved and I love. I carry the joy of the closeness I have had with some pretty wonderful people in my life and I appreciate and feel that joy lift me up when I experience challenges.
I have been lucky and I appreciate the health, enough money, home, children, love at different times in my life and smile feeling the warm breezes and sunshine and drink in the beauty of this life.
With that, who am I to concentrate on what I DON"T have? I don't have a loving marriage. There is the shame, fear and loneliness. I have learned that I CAN"T change that by myself. ACCEPTANCE. The only option for my happiness is to detach from a frustrating, one-sided relationship. I am happy that I have come this far. I am happy that I have the strength to accept this.
Exactly!
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Wow, the first two statements you made are my feelings exactly! I'm fortunate that my H does pay attention to me, actually he is too needy and wants to be together all the time. But he has ruined us once financially and is on the verge of doing it again. I'm a responsible person and I'm so ashamed I let him do this to me. I've let him manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do even when I knew it wasn't right. He has all these grand plans but never follows through and can't hold a job so I have no help to financially to clean up the messes he makes.
I'm also ashamed to be with my H. I feel horrible about it but he has let himself go so he isn't attractive anymore and his behavior in public is embarrassing to me. I feel very alone. I don't have anyone to talk to because nobody in my family, and none of my friends, deal with this issue and don't understand it. I feel like a failure in life but didn't feel this way 10 years ago before we married.
I am unhappy with my relationship because....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I am unhappy with my relationship because I feel like a fool as the result of my boyfriends lying.
I am unhappy with my relationship because I feel unworthy of the truth.
I am unhappy in my
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I am unhappy in my relationship because I feel like I have been used for what I can provide instead of loved for who I am.
I am unhappy in my relationship because I feel unloved (because he told me he didnt love me), and unworthy like I do not matter.
I am unhappy in my relationship because I am not part of my husband's family in his mind. I do not feel included. I am just "another person" to him.
I am unhappy in my relationship because I feel like I am not worth even the smallest effort on my husbands part for ANYTHING.
I am unhappy in my relationship because I feel alone. Truly, absolutely, alone.
I am unhappy in my relationship because my husband only thinks I matter when he is in a good enough mood to care.
I am unhappy in my relationship because he makes me feel ugly, like I am disgusting to look at. I hide myself from him in every way that I can because he has made it clear that I will never be attractive enough for him like other women are. He has made it clear that there is nothing I could ever do to be beautiful enough for him.
I'm UnHappy With My Relationship Because......
Submitted by kellyj on
....in the ways I have failed myself ( betrayed myself ) I feel it is my responsibility to my marriage and my wife, to be a happy person. If I fail to be happy myself, despite my circumstances....then I am 50 % of the problem in every way imaginable. If I make anything that my wife or anyone else does or thinks or me, influence my own happiness...then I have not only failed myself, but failed to keep unhappiness, out of my marriage. I am only responsible for 50% of the equation here so I can only account for and control 50% of the happiness that exists in my relationship to others including my wife. It's my reasonability then...to be a happy person because no one can either make me unhappy or happy and that is 100% my responsibly and is not contingent on anyone else....period. End of story. The buck stops here.
What is happy?
1. favored by luck or fortune : fortunate <a happy coincidence> In the sense that being born with ADHD. I was not favored or fortunate. This was not a happy coincidence of nature for me at least. It has caused many struggles and obstacles to overcome...but I have been favored and very lucky since that time...to have searched and sought for happiness whenever and where ever I can find it...and have been favored and fortunate to have people come into my life that have shined a light of good fortune upon me and this I have found....has been the ability to overcome those obstacles and remain in good fortune for the most part and I am very lucky and thankful indeed for having these opportunities I do and have had... and for the people in my life that have shined their good light upon me. In this much...I both fortunate and lucky.
2 : notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : felicitous <a happy choice> Relativity. Based on where I started to where I am now, I have made huge stride in these areas but I still have a long way to go. Life is a journey...and I'm not dead yet.
3 a : enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment <is the happiest person I know> <a happy childhood> Going back to number 1 here: I have had both in my childhood and otherwise...experienced both unhappiness and happiness. I am mostly content with myself and what I have accomplished base on where I started and I have both failed and succeeded and the results of this still remain unseen but with overall sense of well-being for the most part....I have maintained that pretty well for myself, but this can stand some work as well. In this much...I have failed to reach my goal in my relationship thus far.
b : expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness <a happy ending> Mirth. This is one of my strongest suits and I bring this to my relationship everyday. In this much....I have succeeded for the most part....my entire life and positive energy is my life force. I have a knack...for seeing humor....in just about anything and yet, still take things seriously despite what might appear as a care free attitude. Mirth is not care free or without pain. It's merely...making Lemonade out of Lemons.
c : glad, pleased <I'm happy to meet you> I am not always glad to see my wife. In this much...I have failed.
d : having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship : friendly <a happy office> Friendliness, has never been my problem. I make friends easily, despite my negative qualities. You can please all the people...all of the time however but I accept this, as part of being human. No such thing as sweeping the ocean, back into the sea with a broom?
4 a : characterized by a dazed irresponsible state <a punch-happy boxer> This use to account for 90% of me being unhappy in the past. Denial. It's a happiness killer.
b : impulsively or obsessively quick to use or do something <trigger-happy> ADHD. This has been of course, the source for a great amount of unhappiness but from where I started to where I am now...I have made huge strides in this area but this will be life long battle since there is no such thing as not having ADHD. Life is a journey...and I'm not dead yet.
c : enthusiastic about something to the point of obsession : obsessed <education-conscious and statistic-happy — Helen Rowen> I have this quality in spades and I bring this to my relationship...on a daily basis. If tempered, this makes me very happy. I fail far less to temper this quality than I did in my past but for the most part...I have gained enough control of this...not to overwhelm others and this is the part that has to do with my relationship with my wife based on her....but not based on eliminating this quality entirely for myself which is key. This can be a tight rope walk...but I am getting better balance all the time. I;m giving myself a B- with some fine tuning in this department.
Recommended by Forbes
Life circumstances have little to do with happiness because much happiness is under your control—the product of your habits and your outlook on life. Psychologists from the University of California who study happiness found that genetics and life circumstances only account for about 50% of a person’s happiness. The rest is up to you.
'The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” – Benjamin Franklin
Unhappy Habits
When people are unhappy, it’s much more difficult to be around them, let alone work with them. Unhappiness drives people away, creating a vicious cycle that holds you back from achieving everything that you’re capable of.
Unhappiness can catch you by surprise. So much of your happiness is determined by your habits (in thought and deed) that you have to monitor them closely to make certain that they don’t drag you down into the abyss.
Some habits lead to unhappiness more than others do. You should be especially wary of the ten habits that follow as they are the worst offenders. Practice emotional intelligence and watch yourself carefully to make certain that these habits are not your own.
1. Waiting for the future. Telling yourself, “I’ll be happy when …” is one of the easiest unhappy habits to fall into. How you end the statement doesn’t really matter (it might be a promotion, more pay, or a new relationship) because it puts too much emphasis on circumstances, and improved circumstances don’t lead to happiness. Don’t spend your time waiting for something that’s proven to have no effect on your mood. Instead focus on being happy right now, in the present moment, because there’s no guarantee of the future.
Before I went into therapy. I failed in almost all ten of these areas. I hadn't really had this laid out in front of me before like this...so I can relate to everyone of these and five myself credit where credit is due. But what I am most unhappy about of all...is my failure in not allowing the fact that my wife suffers in all of these areas....and the ongoing battle over these areas with her is where I have failed in the most going head to head with what I have spent the last 15 years eradicating from my life....only to have them brought right back in but now having to deal with these things in a another person. I was just getting use to being happy without these things in my life...and now I am having to deal with them once again and learning how to compensate. This is where I fail in the most. I have few skills myself in learning how to deal with these things in another person. In this much....I have failed to do this and this makes me unhappy.
#1 on the list for me. Gone. No longer an issue. My happiness...waits for no one. A+ on the happiness scale.
2. Spending too much time and effort acquiring “things.” People living in extreme poverty experience a significant increase in happiness when their financial circumstances improve, but it drops off quickly above $20,000 in annual income. There’s an ocean of research that shows that material things don’t make you happy. When you make a habit of chasing things, you are likely to become unhappy because, beyond the disappointment you experience once you get them, you discover that you’ve gained them at the expense of the real things that can make you happy, such as friends, family, and hobbies.
I'm downsizing as we speak. This makes me happy. Unhappiness in my relationship...is related to having and maintaining friends and hobbies as well. I'm unhappy that my wife...has no outside interests and no hobbies to speak of and that is not my responsibility. This makes me unhappy because this makes me responsible for her happiness and this is too much responsibility and too much of a burden for anyone. It's not my job...to make her happy even though she insists that I am but she is wrong. This makes me unhappy because I can;t control this in another person but net effect of this is downer for me. This is a problem...that has yet to be resolved. This makes me unhappy. Co-depedence is a relationship killer and I fight tooth and nail with my wife...to keep co-dependence out of our relationship. This fight...makes me unhappy.
3. Staying home. When you feel unhappy, it’s tempting to avoid other people. This is a huge mistake as socializing, even when you don’t enjoy it, is great for your mood. We all have those days when we just want to pull the covers over our heads and refuse to talk to anybody, but understand that the moment this becomes a tendency, it destroys your mood. Recognize when unhappiness is making you antisocial, force yourself to get out there and mingle, and you’ll notice the difference right away.
I am responsible for my own unhappiness here. I need to get out more and meet new people and friends and bring that back into our relationship. This IS my responsibility to our relationship and I have failed lately in this department and I need to get out more with and without my wife. C+ for myself here on the happiness scale.
4. Seeing yourself as a victim. Unhappy people tend to operate from the default position that life is both hard and out of their control. In other words, “Life is out to get me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” The problem with that philosophy is that it fosters a feeling of helplessness, and people who feel helpless aren’t likely to take action to make things better. While everyone is certainly entitled to feel down every once in a while, it’s important to recognize when you’re letting this affect your outlook on life. You’re not the only person that bad things happen to, and you do have control over your future as long as you’re willing to take action.
What this said. For me....gone. I refuse to be a victim and find this for myself...reprehensible behavior. It can be a battle at times...but I am winning the war on this one. I stopped chasing the Dragons Tail...a long time ago. A- on the score card on my end.
5. Pessimism. Nothing fuels unhappiness quite like pessimism. The problem with a pessimistic attitude, beyond it being hard on your mood, is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: If you expect bad things, you’re more likely to get bad things. Pessimistic thoughts are hard to shake off until you recognize how illogical they are. Force yourself to look at the facts, and you’ll see that things are not nearly as bad as they seem.
Nothing worse than pessimism in my mind. Pessimism kills. Optimism saved my life when I was a child...and I'm not about to change now. I get an A+ here...and always have. I have many skills here that have taken a lifetime to learn.
6. Complaining. Complaining itself is troubling as well as the attitude that precedes it. Complaining is a self-reinforcing behavior. By constantly talking—and therefore thinking—about how bad things are, you reaffirm your negative beliefs. While talking about what bothers you can help you feel better, there’s a fine line between complaining being therapeutic and it fueling unhappiness. Beyond making you unhappy, complaining drives other people away.
This was so much of a problem in my past due to ruminating negative thoughts that plagued me constantly. And with that...a fair amount of complaining but I have made huge strides in this area. The hardest and most difficult thing that I am unhappy about...is maintaining myself in this area...when coming face to face on a daily basis with a constant complainer ie: my wife. It's pure negativity and it is a struggle that I fail in...in keeping this out of my relationship due to making my own ability to maintain...contingent on my wife bad attitude and insatiable need to compulsively complain. It was my number one request on the first day or therapy together with my wife as a request of her. Stop complaining and stop being negative. I have come to learn since then...why this is such a challenge for her and I have failed to maintain myself in the face of this constant barrage. This makes me unhappy but it's my failure 100%. I cannot allow my wife's complaining...to make me unhappy if I am not to allow what she does or says and my happiness...to be contingent on her in any way. It is my responsibility...to bring happiness into my relationship and if I'm unhappy myself...then I have failed in doing so. This failure on my account of 50%.of our relationship..makes me unhappy. I get an F here..and this needs a lot of work.
7. Blowing things out of proportion. Bad things happen to everybody. The difference is that happy people see them for what they are—a temporary bummer—whereas unhappy people see anything negative as further evidence that life is out to get them. A happy person is upset if they have a fender bender on the way to work, but they keep things in perspective: “What a hassle, but at least it wasn’t more serious.” An unhappy person, on the other hand, uses it as proof that the day, the week, the month, maybe even their whole life, is doomed.
My wife's catastrophic thinking makes me unhappy but again...this is my failure on my account...to allow chicken little to make me unhappy is all on me. I have failed in not allowing chicken little...to make me unhappy. I get a D- on my end of our relationship for allowing this to happen.
8. Sweeping problems under the rug. Happy people are accountable for their actions. When they make a mistake, they own it. Unhappy people, on the other hand, find problems and mistakes to be threatening, so they try to hide them. Problems tend to get bigger when they’re ignored. The more you don’t do anything about a problem, the more it starts to feel as though you can’t do anything about it, and then you’re right back to feeling like a victim.
Denial is a relationship killer. Be "NICE'.. put a bow on it...and then call it GOOD. That's Nice? This makes me unhappy...every time I find myself doing this and this is a struggle at time but I'm winning the war...even if I lose the battle occasionally. Life is a journey..and I'm not dead yet.
9. Not improving. Because unhappy people are pessimists and feel a lack of control over their lives, they tend to sit back and wait for life to happen to them. Instead of setting goals, learning, and improving themselves, they just keep plodding along, and then they wonder why things never change.
Never had a problem here and I'm not about to start. From my early start to where I am do date....I give myself an A+...even if no one else does. I never would have believed that I could do the things I have...but being afraid of failure and not trying and putting in 100% ( or even 110% ) into anything I do....has never been my problem even I fail to do occasionally...this is not my pattern of failure. THIS DEFINITELY makes me happy even if my wife's opinion thinks differently. And we all know what Opinions are like? ( or are worth ie" judgment " ) I am unhappy that my wife is so judgmental and imperious but that has nothing to do with me. I get an A+ on the effort and improving department despite what she thinks. Her happiness...is not my job and I don't work for....her happiness.
10. Trying to keep up with the Joneses. Jealousy and envy are incompatible with happiness, so if you’re constantly comparing yourself with others, it’s time to stop. In one study, most subjects said that they’d be okay with making less money, but only if everybody else did too. Be wary of this kind of thinking as it won’t make you happy and, more often than not, has the opposite effect.
Fuck the Jones!!!!....who gives a rats ass what they think!! LOL A+++++++++++ ( I'm being factitious....Mirth, remember mirth? )
But my biggest failure of all in all of this that makes me the most unhappy with my 50% of the relationship and that I have the worst skills in doing is being compassionate to my wife...in the face of all that she struggles in these areas. There is a fine line to walk between your own self worth, having pride in what you do well and being humble at the same time while maintaining a good balance in maintaining a healthy self esteem and not being self defeating and this is where I fail the most of all...in of this and that is 100% on me.
I refuse to be a victim...and I take 100% responsibility in my failure to do so..... in that my skills in this area are poor yet improving like I said. Improving is not the problem....it's where I started and why I am so lacking in these skills since I got such a late start in doing so even if that wasn't my fault to begin with. I can forgive myself for that much....but I am very unhappy in my performance over all in being compassionate and caring in the face of someone else who is struggling so much in the same things that I have worked so hard to eradicate from my life. In this much...and since my own happiness is 100% my responsibility.... then this accounts for what I am responsible for...which is at least 25% on my personal end...and 25% of the circumstantial end...based on what this article is suggesting.
I posted this article along with my response...because this is the thinking that I subscribe to 100%. My wife might disagree with this herself and I think she would based on the fact...that she struggles so much on these 10 worst offenders...and has trouble seeing this in herself so much of the time.
But if I am to succeed in following through with what I believe for myself and the values that hold dear to my heart...the I cannot allow my wife's unhappiness to have any effect on me personally if I am to not make anything I do or feel contingent on anyone else. I give myself an overall score in on my 50% of the relationship happiness score card at C-...due to and especially in the compassion and humility department because my failures in all of these things and his makes me unhappy and disappointed indeed.
I want to thank Rosered for making this challenge. I spent the better part of the day thinking about my answers here and I remembered on my college professor in of all things....Psychology...and something he said to us on the first day of class. His philosophy as a professor.... which was highly frowned upon by the college administers.... who, were all about stats and figures and raising money and putting up figures in order to do so? On this first day of class...he walked into one of those big lecture halls...and threw the text book in the garbage can next to him and said (quoting him as best I can remember )
"there will come a day...when you will have to judge yourself and there will be a day of reckoning for all of us. In this class....you will grade yourself on your own performance and the only requirement I have is for you to take the mid term and final test. But you will put what grade you think you deserve at the bottom and this is what will show on your transcript."
Which is exactly what everyone did. I gave myself an A....like so many other students did...who knew of his classes and took them just to get that A which is why the administrators were so up in arms with his methodology. They were more concerned about appearances...and he was more concerned with learning. As he continued on this first day of orientation he said......
"some of you are here...just to get that grade, and I have no problem with those who do. But I'm not interested in those who are only here for a grade and I really don't want them in my classroom anyway. Those who want to learn...will come here to do so anyway.....and those who don't I don't care what you do as long as you do it....somewhere else This is my philosophy and the way of weeding out the ones who do...from the ones who don't."
In respect to and in honor of the fact that I was one of the ones who don't back then at the time....I gave myself an automatic A to keep up with the Jones and to make appearance which is more concerned with self image and compensating for low self esteem and being that victim in the past than anything else.
And in respect to what I learned from that day moving forward and from him as an educator.....I have renounced my old ways and have adopted the new ones I have..... and in honor of this professor who left a mark on me despite what the administrators said......today I judged myself and gave myself the grade that I feel is fair and honest and can show some work in improving on in the future. I am more dissatisfied than I am unhappy....but satiation is an illusion anyway...and I'm not dead yet?
J
Thanks J
Submitted by c ur self on
After reading your thoughts about yourself, and the bullet points....I can relate and find myself this information. Barrier's to happiness or self inflicted for the most part, just as contentment and so many other important healthy values are....As you have taken the time to point out (list) there are many many variables about our makeup that causes these barriers to be in place in our lives....
Also like you said; we're not dead yet...So there is hope for those of us who desire and will do the work needed in a Self-aware way to tear down some these barriers to happiness....
One definition I like is..... Happiness is the product of a greater Value or Values....
I also think one of the biggest hindrances' to happiness is our own Knowledge....Knowledge of what we think life should be like.....Expectations!
C
You're So Right C
Submitted by kellyj on
On the negative side of these ADHD issues....normal expectations just don;t work sometimes and that's the cold hard truth? Adjusting your expectations is good....but not having those "should be's " in the first place is even better? Without those "should be expectations" there at the very least....you will never be disappointed and that's what really hurts I think more than anything? If you aren't anticipating something as well as not being disappointed....it also makes it easier to see things as they come to you and appreciate them when they do? I call that a win / win right there?
J
Win/ Win....Yep....Alternative is...Lose/Lose...
Submitted by c ur self on
That's right J, some of the things I've noticed about myself as my expectations have slowly (very slowly :) turned to acceptance Is; I'm calmer emotionally, I can see how much wiser it is for me to not give a reply or really even a thought to comments or outbursts that I already know will surface from time to time...It's just the product and reality of the minds some of us live in....
Also, when I don't engage and can stay at peace when these short incidents happen, when I refuse to recognize, verbally point out, or identify with them in anyway. It is so much healthier for the both of us...It's like a non-judgmental dose of self awareness for the person that's struggling in the moment...(many times that person is me) A mirror if you will....
I've encouraged this concept for quiet a while on this forum and in life...But, being human, I fail at making it happen many times, (my own weakness)....Lately (by Grace) I have been able to get through some situations where I didn't engage it....And it was great....And the rest of the day was great also....
Most all things (negative words or actions) that come out of me, are just my own internal struggles...Even if it's being directed at what most people would call unhealthy behavior. I can't change another adult? So what's the product of pointing out their behavior, when they already know it? I will tell you....
Here's the list in my experience....1) If they are aware, it hurts their already damaged self esteem, like so many possess to some degree...(I might as well quit trying, all I can do is screw up) So it promotes victim thinking in both parties....2) Hurt feelings, because usually my tone is one of self-righteousness when I'm the good guy. (Beam and the mote) 3) If there is more denial than there is self awareness alive in this kind of exchange (my experience's) then you just started a fight or flight situation that will have to run it's course....No peaceful unity for a while.....
What if this happens so often that it basically destroy's the ability for intimacy and communication or any kind of healthy exchanges?? Well at least you want be emotionally distraught when you set back and take that long look at the reality of your marriage relationship....
I tend to not regret my decisions as often, when I make them from a state of self-awareness, peace and without blame.....
C
C, that was so good, I wanted to see it again
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Most all things (negative words or actions) that come out of me, are just my own internal struggles...Even if it's being directed at what most people would call unhealthy behavior.
Fortunately - you can be a
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Fortunately - you can be a very happy person even when you are not happy in/with your relationship. I am living proof. I listed the things I am unhappy about IN my relationship. Doesnt mean that those things apply in my life outside of it.
I am just choosing to live more and more outside of my relationship. And soon - that relationship will just stop existing - and I will go on. And I will be a happy, peaceful, loving person just as I am now.
I thought about this on the way to work today
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
1. I am unhappy because I married a man who does not share the same values as I have.
2. I am unhappy because I married a man who is incapable of demonstrating his love the way I would like him to demonstrate his love.
3. I am unhappy because I married a man who wants a different lifestyle than I want.
4. I am unhappy because I failed my daughter by not marrying a man capable of loving her and being a father figure in the way she needs.
5. I am unhappy because I expected other people to fix the problems I have created. I don't want to suffer the consequences of the choices I have made.
It doesn't matter what he said, or what he seemed to be. What matters is that I ignored the voice of warning in my head. What matters is that I didn't wait long enough to marry him to find out about the ex wife, the ex girlfriend, the poor money habits, the crazy, chaotic, last minute lifestyle.
Me. I matter. I made those choices. Now to figure out what to do about it.
I was unhappy in my
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I was unhappy in my relationship because I hated myself. I'm unhappy not in my relationship because I still hate myself. But at least I'm sparing my ex (and other people) from having to live with me, so I feel that I'm not having as bad an effect as I could be.
One thing I have learned
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Is that sometimes people are perfectly happy to live with you and your unhappiness and that sparing them your unhappiness actually is hurtful to them. They are okay with your imperfections. And they love you despite them. I agree. The hardest thing is to be in a state of imperfection with another person.
I hate the fact that I am reactive. I hate the fact that I get angry. I hate the fact that I can't ask for help without hurting someone. I hate the fact that I am learning relationship and life skills that I should have learned when I was two. But I don't hate myself.
I wish you luck in your quest to find a better place for yourself.
My ADHD relationship makes me feel:
Submitted by weighted on
I feel:
I am the Non-ADHD spouse and I suspect that if you asked my husband he would agree with the majority of these same feelings himself. I am a strong and courageous woman. I know who I am and WHOSE I am . When I fall, I get back up! So I will get back up and dust myself off and try again....
Lyrics:
"By Your spirit I will rise
From the ashes of defeat
The resurrected king
Is resurrecting me
In Your name I come alive
To declare your victory
The resurrected king
Is resurrecting me"
Wow
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I used to feel like that. Now I have minimized my exposure to my husband and filled my life with non ADD people so that the time I feel like that is minimal.
I used to ask him why he married me, when he really should just hire a secretary, a massage therapist, and a whore.
It might be helpful to create some space for yourself so that you have energy to be with people who fill you up, not take everything a way. I started by taking a week to myself, that finished on a weekend with my friends. I need the first few days to rest and the last few to prevent loneliness. I recognize a lot of those words on your list. I hope you find a place to be healthy.
Wow
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I used to feel like that. Now I have minimized my exposure to my husband and filled my life with non ADD people so that the time I feel like that is minimal.
I used to ask him why he married me, when he really should just hire a secretary, a massage therapist, and a whore.
It might be helpful to create some space for yourself so that you have energy to be with people who fill you up, not take everything a way. I started by taking a week to myself, that finished on a weekend with my friends. I need the first few days to rest and the last few to prevent loneliness. I recognize a lot of those words on your list. I hope you find a place to be healthy.
This list is the product of........
Submitted by c ur self on
This list is what happens to a person who can't walk away from a victim....The power of a gaslighting (control & manipulation) should never be underestimated.....You better know who you are, and you better be able to walk away from those who do not...
There is nothing wrong with serving your spouse out of love....as a matter of fact, it should be the only way you do it....Be strong!!! Never allow yourself to be moved by their gaslighting....
This kind of mind will use you up, and no tactic or abuse is off limits (abandonment, guilt, demands, threats, lies, subversion, manipulation, molestation, force) to many who live in this mind... Since most who live this way, lives in denial and blame...And will never accept their responsibilities in life or in a relationship....
There is one who can allow us to See!
Recognize, Accept, and walk away when necessary...Be at peace.....
C
I am unhappy in my
Submitted by dvance on
I am unhappy in my relationship because I have compromised way too much of myself over the 21 years and now I am bitter about all the time that I wasted.
I am unhappy in my relationship because my DH is not a person I have respect for or admire in any way.
I am unhappy in my relationship because we are in tremendous financial trouble and I cannot afford to leave OR to kick him out. I am stuck.
I am unhappy in my relationship because it is 100% my fault that I gave my two boys such a lousy model of what a real man acts like.
I am unhappy in my relationship because I can never get it right--if I manage everything, I am accused of being too controlling and always having to be right. If I let stuff go, bad things happen--the house is a mess, no plans are made, finances get out of hand. It's all me all the time.
I am unhappy with my
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I am unhappy with my relationship because I obviously loved my husband more than he loved me, and was sadder because he wouldn't be HONEST with me about how he truly felt. The dishonesty, lies and betrayals were behind my back, yet to my face he was still telling me he wanted to be married and have a relationship. I had to find out on my own, the depth of the lies, and how dishonest he had been with me, until one day he finally told the truth that he was "in love" with someone else. I now feel that he wasn't ever "in love" with me, but he didn't want anyone ELSE to have me either. The epitome of selfish.
Also, some of the unhappiness stems from his unwillingness to even TRY to have a marriage relationship. He kept himself at arms length, for me and our family, but wanted love and attention given to him, which isn't fulfilling for anyone involved because it creates resentments and hurt. It's the DENIAL that the ADHD and it's effects was having that he wouldn't accept as well. He then took himself off the medication, because he said he "didn't like the way it made him feel", just like someone else's husband told her, but now, he is back to being as frazzled and chaotic as he was before he was taking them, and he doesn't see it. To him, he's back to his "normal", which is what created strained relationships in his past.
It's so sad, and things could have turned out SO DIFFERENT, if he would have been brave enough to face his fear and denial of the ADHD as well as all the other stuff. He just would NOT confront it or let the two of us work it out. When he FIRST took the meds, and took them REGULARLY, he was like a different person. He was happy, smiling, talkative (but in a good way), we could have back and forth conversations, we had some family dinners that weren't so strained, and he could focus SO MUCH BETTER. But, then he started taking them every other day, then skipped several days, and took them this way for several years, and he had a lot of mood swings. He thought it was because he was TAKING the meds, but it was because he wasn't taking them the RIGHT way. EVery few weeks he would go into a depression for a few days, and he always blamed this on his "work". It WASN'T the work, it was because he wouldn't FACE the truth of what he was really dealing with. I am still hurt and angry that he would NOT be HONEST with me, when I was GOOD TO HIM. I loved him, treated him as an equal, NOT a child, was not a screamer or yeller, or start all kinds of arguments. I LOVED HIM, was GOOD to him, was FAITHFUL to him, wanted the BEST for him, and it still wasn't enough.....I FAILED.
So, after all this, and so many years of it. I knew it was useless for me to keep trying, and to live with someone who kept wanting someone or something ELSE, and that is why I was so unhappy in my relationship. Now, that we are apart, I'm much happier, and even HE is treating me better than he ever did while we were together. fancy that.
I feel this
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
My husband also is in denial. Or maybe, he really can't see it. I don't know which. But after his fourth marriage, his second disagreement at SAR (which he loves), getting fired from jobs, having his boss get mad at him... etc. You would think he can see it. His one daughter won't talk to him because he does twelve things on the phone while she is trying to speak.
Today, he finally said, maybe I have ADD or something that makes me different but, what does it matter?
Well, for one, it means you aren't a total asshole. And two, maybe our life together doesn't have to be exquisite torture.
You did not fail. He failed. And deep down its eating him alive and he is doing everything he can not to have to come to terms with it.
In addition:
Submitted by dedelight4 on
In addition: Yes, he failed. He didn't live up to his marriage vows. He wasn't HONEST. He was scared and fearful, and wouldn't be truthful or honest about that, which made it impossible for us to deal with as a couple. I failed because I chose the person I did. He IS a good person at heart, but he gives in to too many wrong things, and doesn't say NO to himself to things he KNOWS are wrong. One person can't have a marriage, the other person has to want it also, and WANT to make it better. DENIAL is a BITCH..........I HATE IT.
I am unhappy in my relationship because.........
Submitted by oldgoose on
I am constantly attending functions by myself, making up excuses for my partner when he refuses to attend with me,
I get no support or encouragement for the things that I do eg, decorating the house by myself, singing on stage, making clothes etc.etc.
Having to apologise for hissy fits, non communication, bad moods in front of friends and family
I endure the put downs, the nasty remarks he makes to me in front of others that have no truth in them
The blurting things out to people to make him look good but sometimes his outbursts are at my expense
We have lived together for nearly 20 years but he refuses to marry and refuses to say why.
He loves to flirt and chat up women on line
He refuses to go on holiday with me because he says I choose boring places
He is fixated with his computer and is using it all the time, even when we have visitors
He has had many jobs and many periods of unemployment and I feel that I have worried about bills and money and he has just sat back and not shared the burden at all.
He hates having to look after me if I am ill
He does nothing around the house except washing up now and again and then he boasts for ages afterwards that he is much better at it than I am
I am annoyed with myself because I put up with all this and have stayed with him through thick and thin ......reading this back I am annoyed with myself and yet we do have good times, he is generous to me when he has the money, and dosn;t drink or smoke and fritter our money away - in fact he hardly ever spends any.
I always think that at least he dosn;t beat me, get drunk,never goes out. He dosn't check up to see what I am doing, but is this because he dosn't care?
A very confusing situation.