I'm very recently married, and I have been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 4(now 26). I met my wife 3 years ago, and we've had a rocky relationship for a majority but we managed to keep things together, even if its with duck tape and super glue. Like I said, we've both known about my ADHD since the beginning, but I've only been back on medication(adderall) for about 5 months now. Only recently did we find this book and this website. We've had similar issues as most of the posts that I've seen on here, and looking at the books "hotspots", they summed up 80-90% of our fights. I feel like this book and this community will be my saving grace, and thusly our hail mary to save our relationship.
As I mentioned, our relationship has been held together with duck tape and super glue. What I mean by this is that we've been in and out of therapists(personal and couples), I've read books( Love Languages, Co Dependent No more, Lost art of Listening, Boundaries in Marriage), and its always been like a patch on the leak that is our love. It works for a little while, but then when the pressures on, it breaks. I feel completely responsible for all of our unhappiness, but it just feels like when I start to make progress, I slip up in some way(be it small or big... usually small) and all the fears, insecurities, and hurt comes flooding back to my wife, and I'm knocked back down to square 1. She's tried setting boundaries, punishing, consequences, incentives, sex, no sex, etc. to get me to "shape up, and stay in shape" but despite my best efforts, I fall short of making her happy long enough for her to let go of the past. I am completely devoted to her, and I have noticed that I have the "high tolerance for pain" because regardless of what she does, the consequences don't stick. I feel miserable, sure, but apparently it isn't enough for the things we talk about to "sink in". I am working very hard to rebuild the trust that has been stripped away by all the lies and broken promises, but I can't seem to get any footing long enough to get moving. It also feels like there are so many "holes" I need to repair, that by the time I turn my attention to a new one, I seem to let go of the patch before it sets, and the old problem starts leaking again.
She also has a vicious temper. We grew up in much different environments. For one, she's a strong Type A, and I'm a typical Type B. For two, my family was the type to not talk about grievances and to bottle the emotions up and ignore them until they go away. I never saw my parents fight, until the night they decided to divorce, which was a huge fight and screaming match. They were both drunk and my father actually approached me when I was 9 and asked who I wanted to live with. On the flip-side, my wife grew up in a household where no one bottled up anything. If someone had an issue, they had no qualms about laying it all out right then and there. I've been a bystander to many screaming matches between sisters and children/parents. This was completely foreign to me and just screamed disrespect, which is a lesson my dad literally beat into me. You don't disrespect your parents. This gives a little insight to how we both approach conflict. I'm very conservative, if I bring up issues at all, and she is not against having a list of my flaws and faults at the ready for any given moment. She says hurtful things when she's mad. Tells me she hates me and that she knew the day of the wedding that it was a mistake. These are the moments where I lose my temper and recently lost control and punched a hole in the drywall as I stormed down the hallway away from the bedroom. This is completely unlike me. I'm very laid back normally and not easily excitable, but in those moments, i just see red, and that is another one of my issues. I struggle greatly recognizing emotions within myself.
We've had this book for about a month now, and I'm about to start my 2nd time through it to make sure I get the information to sink in, but it feels like my wife isn't giving me the room and/or time necessary to fix these issues. She says she is tired of being patient and that she has sacrificed so much of herself to get to this point, but I don't know how to ask her to give me more time. I'm doing the best that I can with the availability I have.(I'm in my senior year of accounting and working 2 jobs to try to even out the load of bills because she's basically supporting me with her salary while I finish school). It also feels like she isn't really taking to heart the tactics expressed for the non-adhd partner. This point, I can understand honestly, because through all of our time together, she has been feeling more and more pressure and stress from my lack of symptom management. There were parts in this book that made me bawl to think about how much I put her through with ADHD. I can understand her hesiation to trust and rely on me and the constant expectation for the other shoe to drop when I'm experiencing a good time and successful at meeting her needs as a good husband. I totally get it, I really do, but it still hurts all the same. Having her expecting me to fail, doesn't instill confidence in me. Sorry for the essay. I just really don't know what else to do. I REALLY need help and advice on how to get her to give me time to grow into a better husband.