the final straw

My final straw came this week.  I don't talk to my husband much about our problems and he is happy for me not to do so.  But for me, although talking about things is hard, it seems just as bad to not talk about them.  So, I brought up how frustrated I am.  My husband almost immediately redirected the conversation to explaining how my bad reactions cause him to respond the way he does.  Once again, he took off the table the thing that I see as the major problems:  that he won't look for a better job and that he is contributing only minimally to the family, financially and in other ways.  

I had been contemplating filing for a separation in a few weeks.  That night, I decided that I don't want to wait even that long.  I'm going to go in Monday morning to our local courthouse.  

Do I feel guilty, sad, ambivalent, angry, frustrated?  Yes, I do.  But I tried so many things before.  Nothing helped.  I am spent and ready to move on.  Please wish me courage and strength.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

God's Speed

I wish you all the support, courage, and strength you need.  

We each will reach the point-of-no-return when it is right for us.  Hang in there.  

 

Tired old man's picture

The frog in the boiling water.

  I'm sorry to hear that you've been pushed to your limit.  I know you've been on the site a long time, and have counseled many folk over the years.  Like the Gina Pera book notes, though, we can sometimes be the frog in the slowly warming water, unaware that for years, we are slowly cooking and becoming more and more paralyzed by our experience, sometimes awakening too late to jump out of the boiling water to save ourselves.  My time is coming, I can tell.  But I'm glad you were able to jump clear.  Best wishes. 

We will be here for you,

We will be here for you, every step of the way. I can't wait til it's my time. Just a few (alright, seven lol) more months!!!!

You deserve peace. We all do. 

Hi Rosered, I wish you LOTS

Hi Rosered, I wish you LOTS of courage and strength.  After going through 28 years of absolute hell with my husband saying things like "don't express your feelings", "I don't want to get in an argument", "your voice is too loud", "I can't stand your voice", "how dare you ask me to check our son's grades, I work" and on and on and on, I came here to this blog to read what others have experienced and it opened my eyes even more to the fact that my spouse has ADD.  I have continued to read the posts for the last 3 years and it makes me so upset that there are so many of us who are just pounding our heads against a wall and for most, the situation will never change one bit (I am not talking right now to those who are seeing progress).  My husband threatened me with divorce for over 15 years and I became his enemy (this really picked up about 6 months after buying a house and as I look back now, I think the pressure of the mortgage payment every month threw him over the edge).  In the end, he had an affair (I am sure not the only one) and walked out on the family without saying a word.  Today my son is lucky to get a text from him a few times a year.  I deal with my ADD son everyday and it is so emotionally draining.  My husband is just out doing his thing.  The other night I get an email from him that only says, "what are we going to do to move on (we are still legally married)"?  At first my heart started racing and it was painful (I guess all of use hope for an apology someday) but finally the next day, I felt this strength to stand up and I knew the time had come to be ready to deal with the legal part just like you.  May that moment come for all of us who have given our all through many years and finally want the nightmare to start to end.  Life will go on, time will heal us a little at a time and things have to get better than having someone remind us daily how they will never care about us the way we deserve.  I also think when we look back, many of us will realize the marriage was over YEARS AGO and so we are agonizing over this fantasy marriage with someone who hasn't been there for us as a loving spouse in a long time, if ever.  Best wishes as we make the next part of our lives in time happier.  As the saying goes, "when one door closes another door opens".           

 

 

Peace

Rose, I wish you peace. Best of luck to you. It is funny after so much effort and agonizing, after so much drama, sometimes the decision to move into another phase is quiet and clear (ending not with a bang, but a whimper:-) I look at it as the next phase rather than an ending-- marriage is an important phase, but not the only one. You are still you. Your life holds lots of opportunity for you!

Take good care and let us know how it goes.

Rosered

Courage, strength, peace, clarity, calm...are yours.

xo

Support

Rosered,

While I am sorry that your relationship couldn't be saved, I am confident that you will face the next phase with strength, smarts, and humor. I hope that the process is as smooth as possible. Best wishes.

I filed for the separation

I filed for the separation this morning.   I'm sad that our marriage has reached this low point but I'm really relieved to have taken this step.  I need the space to work on myself; I don't like my life and there are many things I don't like about  myself.  

For the first time in a long time, I feel the ability to not worry about what my husband does and doesn't do.  I'm prepared to accept that my husband won't change, and I can deal with that, if I don't have to be married to the unchanged him.

I hope that my resolve to work on myself and to continue with the ability to not worry about my husband will result in both of us feeling better.  At this point, I'll settle for me feeling better, and him continuing to live his life the way he wants to.  

Thank you for the support from this forum! 

Relief

Rosered, I know this must have been hard and heartbreaking, but, I hope you are also feeling some relief today. It is a nice thing to accept that he won't change, but that you can deal with him if you don't have to be married to him! Lol, did the same thing myself. My STBX's ADHD and issues are much, much easier to deal with, co-parenting and the like, now that I don't have to be his spouse:-) If he doesn't maintain his car or pay his cable bill or do his laundry, it is really just his problem and I don't have to look at it. I don't want him to be loving or emotionally intimate with me any more. It is a relief and a joy that I don't need him to now. I can focus on myself and my job and my children. 

Try to be good to yourself. Figure out what you need. Treat yourself. Know that you won't hope or get your heart broken the same way now. Know that what happens to you is up to YOU.

If we lived close by, I would take you out for coffee or cake or a big glass of something stronger. I am sending it to you virtually!

 

Good for you.

I feel i am so close to doing the same, yet i don't feel i have the strength to just make that step. I am a hollow person, i do not like who i have become, i have no interest in anything anymore..how did i get to this place ? 18 years of being bullied by the man i once cherished..i think i had my last straw 5 months ago, wont go into the details of the events that led to that, but since then i have not been able to bounce back. I have been depressed for months. I do not speak to him unless necessary, I have given up on having conversation with him, its simply impossible, I don't care anymore, i don't even like him anymore..never mind love, there hasn't been any love in years. I've realized one of the things I hate about him most is the way he treats our children, when he is mad at something they did, he can't just be angry at the single behavior, even when they get a punishment its not good enough..its more like he withholds love as the punishment. He speaks to them with venom dripping from his every words..  When you wish that he wont walk in the door at the end of the day...its probably time to move on. I was hoping to hang in there until my children were out of school, but i don't think i can't last that long...worse yet i wonder, is living with their father doing more damage than being divorced??

I am sorry your marriage did not work, but i am happy you had the strength to move on a take care of yourself. I hope i have the strength to do the same.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Seeing it in print

How very sad I am.  Sitting at home.  The shades are draw.  I am all cried out, and am resolving not to be sad one more minute.  After spending an hour and a half on a phone argument with my ADHD spouse, I have to make an ultimatum.  I went online and found a form for a separation agreement.  His choice - - - 1.  Do something major to deal with this negative ADHD behavior,- or 2. We'll fill out the form and one of us will move out.  

I really, have had all my heart can take.  I feel like failure.  But I also know I can go on - to a place of joy.