After 16 years of craziness and chaos, I've decided to divorce my ADHD husband. I didn't know until 2 years ago that he had ADHD; it was when our then-8 year old daughter was diagnosed with inattentive subtype ADHD that I realized how profoundly his life and our marriage has been impacted by his undiagnosed condition. He is 62 now, and although I've made reference to his ADHD, he has never accepted it or really taken what I've said seriously.
He has accumulated huge debt during our marriage. He has been underemployed. He calls himself an entrepreneur but he has only impulsively started businesses, done poorly with them, and closed them since I've known him. Between his inattention/lack of focus/inability to listen/hyperactivity/immaturity and my daughter's struggles, I feel like I'm living in a circus.
It took his being away from home unexpectedly for a month last summer for me to realize what life could be like without him. It was a real shock. To have peace and quiet. To be able to establish routines in the home to help my daughter. To only have one child to parent, rather than two. I never wanted to be divorced; I still don't. but the alternative of staying in the chaos of life with him is intolerable. Even though I expect that co-parenting with him will be really really hard, at least I'll have a place to come home to that is a space I can fully occupy. Somehow I feel like I've only ever had just a corner of our lives together. I can show my daughter that there is a way to live without nonsensical rules, thoughtless comments, and resentment in the air.
We have almost no assets because of home equity loans and his unemployment. I don't know how things will look in a year. But for the first time in so long, I feel some hope.