After 16 years of craziness and chaos, I've decided to divorce my ADHD husband. I didn't know until 2 years ago that he had ADHD; it was when our then-8 year old daughter was diagnosed with inattentive subtype ADHD that I realized how profoundly his life and our marriage has been impacted by his undiagnosed condition. He is 62 now, and although I've made reference to his ADHD, he has never accepted it or really taken what I've said seriously.
He has accumulated huge debt during our marriage. He has been underemployed. He calls himself an entrepreneur but he has only impulsively started businesses, done poorly with them, and closed them since I've known him. Between his inattention/lack of focus/inability to listen/hyperactivity/immaturity and my daughter's struggles, I feel like I'm living in a circus.
It took his being away from home unexpectedly for a month last summer for me to realize what life could be like without him. It was a real shock. To have peace and quiet. To be able to establish routines in the home to help my daughter. To only have one child to parent, rather than two. I never wanted to be divorced; I still don't. but the alternative of staying in the chaos of life with him is intolerable. Even though I expect that co-parenting with him will be really really hard, at least I'll have a place to come home to that is a space I can fully occupy. Somehow I feel like I've only ever had just a corner of our lives together. I can show my daughter that there is a way to live without nonsensical rules, thoughtless comments, and resentment in the air.
We have almost no assets because of home equity loans and his unemployment. I don't know how things will look in a year. But for the first time in so long, I feel some hope.
I comment you for taking this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I comment you for taking this step. I hope your life and your daughter's life continue to improve.
I decided to divorce too-same stor
Submitted by lulu18 on
I could have written your post labradorim. Story is almost identical. I have only posted a few times but have followed this forum for two years, taken Melissa's course with my husband and read each post and felt the pain with each person who posted. It felt better for me to "listen" rather than to comment or share, since I am a mental health professional by trade, and I wanted to learn how to be here to receive help, not to give it. It has been a good lesson for me. I put down a retainer with an attorney who specializes in mediation right before Christmas. I spent three years squirreling away money for this. I told my husband before Christmas, set up appointments for my 12 year old son to start seeing his old therapist and got some counseling myself. I am just an old Girl Scout I guess, very methodical and prepared. I have had to develop this skill as my son has multiple special needs, including ADHD and serious medical issues. The bright spot is that he is very academically gifted and grades are not an issue. Despite his Dad's lack of consistent attention to his needs, he is very attached to him. However, I have noticed that as he has gotten older he is very aware that Daddy does not "have his back". My son has severe, life threatening food allergies and his Dad never shared in his care or made any attempt to take some of the burden off of me. The funny thing is, Dad has food allergies too! The lack of attention paid to his surroundings has resulted in my husband injuring himself multiple times and ignoring health issues. He is now disabled and the little bit he contributed is greatly reduced. The deal breaker was my being diagnosed with diabetes. My doctor told me it was more related to extreme stress and high cortisol levels than anything else- I am not terribly overweight. I realized that despite the fact that he is 15 years older than me, that I could easily die before him because I have been the sole caregiver for a very medically involved child since birth. Even though my husband's ADHD was diagnosed at my insistence during our marriage and he has been on medication and gone through counseling, nothing has changed. Since entering middle school, our son's medical issues have become overwhelming. He has a somewhat rare connective tissue disorder that tends to worsen at puberty and causes joint and body pain, fatigue and decreased ability to participate in normal sports activities. He bruises at the drop of a hat and can dislocate joints for no reason at all. Try and explain all this to a sixth grade boy! My husband moved out this week. He went willingly, passively, as always. It was very hard on our son and me. It feels like there has been a death and we are grieving. A wonderful family therapist, caring teachers and a wonderful , supportive work setting for me has made all the difference. I have learned so much from all of you who post. You have been my guardian angels, my guiding light, and you never knew it. Thank you all for sharing what I needed to hear. Many blessings to all of you. Please keep us in your prayers as we start a new chapter of our life. I will file for divorce within the next few weeks. My husband moved to an apartment close by so he can still take our son to school every morning. He is a very good chauffeur. What he can't do is communicate, show up for important events and stay, remember birthdays and talk to his son in a meaningful way. He cannot follow through on anything despite the best of intentions. The hardest thing is that he is not a monster, not abusive or drug addicted. He is a nice guy, but he can't sustain a relationship of any sort. I am grieving but I know I am doing the right thing. Thank you all for your support and for caring enough to keep posting on this forum.
To Labradorim and Lulu
Submitted by jennalemone on
I read your posts and feel you are a part of this community. Welcome. I am sorry you are going through this with so much responsibility and care. Your families will be better off in where there are no secrets and all things can be discussed openly and without the chaos of denial and coverups and compromises. You are being very brave and strong. I wish you the best.
Thanks for the kind words
Submitted by lulu18 on
Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I didn't realize how long my post was until I saw it tonight. Wow. I guess I saved up two years worth of comments and put them in one post. Being married to someone with ADHD is something I have kept a secret from most friends and certainly my colleagues. It's hard being a therapist for as long as I have(25+years) and saying "my marriage is unworkable and I have tried everything, and I should have known better" is very humbling. Neither I nor my husband knew he had ADHD when he married. The face of adult ADHD was unknown to me at the time- my area of specialty is children. I have learned an immense amount in these 5 years since I badgered him into getting tested. I have been a silent witness to the pain and sharing here for two years. I am finding my voice, overcoming my shame and sharing "out loud" here.It feels good to belong here, because I am no longer alone.
Lulu - I read your words, and
Submitted by justmemyselfandi on
Lulu - I read your words, and this is my first post. Long time lurker too. My marriage ended yesterday, suddenly, and it does feel like a death. Our husbands could be twins - not a monster, a good person, a "fun time", but cannot sustain a relationship of any sort. Whether it's a job or a marriage. My health is also suffering due to the extreme stress, financial burden, and nonexistent support from him. I have tremendous compassion for him and know that he did not want his life to be like this, but the burdens he placed on me were far too heavy for me to carry alone. I am in mourning today for the death of a marriage I wanted so badly to work.
2 things jumped out at me.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
. Even though I expect that co-parenting with him will be really really hard, at least I'll have a place to come home to that is a space I can fully occupy. Somehow I feel like I've only ever had just a corner of our lives together. I can show my daughter that there is a way to live without nonsensical rules, thoughtless comments, and resentment in the air.
We have almost no assets because of home equity loans and his unemployment. I don't know how things will look in a year. But for the first time in so long, I feel some hope.>>>>
1) If possible, try to get as much nailed down in the divorce decree as possible in regards to your child. When having to co-parent with someone flaky, you can't assume anything.
How will expenses outside of child support be split? medical expenses, orthodontist, extra school related expenses, college costs, dance lessons, and so forth.
Will the homes have the same bed-times and curfews. Many moms complain that they end up being the "bad guy" because "mom makes us go to bed, while dad lets up stay up and watch TV." And dad lets us eat junk food all day, but mom limits the goodies.
How will visitation changes be made. How will final decisions be made if each parent has an opposite opinion?
If your ex will have visitation when homework may be due the next day, will he be obligated to make sure that's done? And what will be the consequence if he doesn't. Will he make sure that the child has "gathered up" all of her things to bring to school or bring back to your home?
I ask these things because I know if my H and I had divorced when our kids were minors, he wouldn't have lifted a finger to make sure anything got done or paid for...unless under court order with REAL consequences if he didn't follow thru.
. Even tho these things would have been "for the child," in his mind, not-cooperating would be a way to "slap" me....and make my life more miserable.
I can assure you that H would not have made sure that teeth got brushed (for young kids) or homework got done (for school aged kids).
2) The second thing that jumped out at me was the debt. If just selling the home will make all debt go away, then fine. But, if selling the home means someone will have to pay what's still owed, how will that be handled?
I commend you for getting out now - before the marriage is so long that you'd be expected to support him or share your retirement. If you don't have a retirement plan, then hopefully you can start one after ridding yourself of this extra child.
Brace yourself from any negative feedback from his side of the family. A friend divorced her not-working husband and his family became angry at her. The reality was that THEY didnt want him to mooch off of them. lol They knew that if he wasn't married to someone who supported him, then THEY would have to support him. So, stay strong!