My husband and I are different people financially. Up until I went to university for a Master's Degree, and then got married and bought a house in a four year span, I used to be on top of my finances. Poor spending in university and then poor boundary setting with my husband and poor financial choices in the last four years have really set me back. I have good months and move many steps ahead, and I have bad months and move a step back.
Yesterday, I had a bad day at work. I have problems myself with handing multiple stimuli and stressors and yesterday, it kind of got out of hand. I was stressed out. I live in an apartment near my work three days a week to promote sleep, relaxation and less commuting. And it helps me deal with my husband. He was pretty quiet the last three days. Usually he is frantically calling me for some crisis or another, or wanting me to commiserate because someone is being an "asshole" to him or is angry at him, or maybe he wants to go on some course and he is checking in for "my permission"... But he was quiet. And when I texted him that I had a bad day, but I was trying to make it better by going to the gym and hitting the hot tub and then doing some yoga, he said, sure, I will talk to you tomorrow.
So I knew something was up. And that something, was a $8000 used snowmobile. That he bought, by maxing out his line of credit, maxing out his $2500 overdraft, and doing a cash withdrawal from his credit card.
And I cried. And I nagged. And I was an ADHD wife. And I could not, COULD NOT, be happy for him. And his @#$%&* snowmobile. And the $1300 SeaCan he wants to put in our back yard because we don't have the money saved for a garage yet.
He is 45. He has $110000 saved for retirement. He has no pension. He makes $120 to $150000 a year. He is $80000 in debt on a line of credit and has a credit card with a $25000 limit that he is always in various states of paying off. We are 3 years into our 20 year mortgage. And this kills me. It kills me. It makes me sob like a child in defeat. He is a contract worker, so the minute he is out of work, we are done. He has no disability insurance, even though I have been asking him for four years to get it. He is not saving for retirement, even though I have asked him about it and he has thought it would be a good idea.
On another note. I read a great quote from Oprah, summarizing a Maya Angelou's advice about bad relationships. Oprah was telling her about a bad relationship she had with man who left her hanging all the time, and Maya said, Why are you blaming the man? When he shows you who he is, believe him, the first time. He knows himself better than you do, so trust him.
"When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time"
My husband is who he is. I shouldn't try to change him. I should accept him or get out. I am working on accepting him. One step forward. One step back. Good, bad, ugly, bad, good. A whole shit load of grey.