Financial Frustration

I have said this a number of times over the last decade, but am now truly at the end of my rope.  I need to set an ultimatum.  Either my husband sees a physician to get help for his ADHD or we need to get divorced.  Here is a bit of background.  He was told as a child that he had ADHD and I don’t think it was ever properly treated as his mother chalks it off to bad behavior and laziness.  I grew up with a brother who was diagnosed with it in the early 70’s (he was 5) and had all the support and care in the world for it.  I have witnessed the positive side of living with it when treated properly. I was also diagnosed with ADD in college and probably am a less extreme case.  Both my husband and I have been in recovery for alcoholism for 3 years.  This has helped quite a bit with many of the issues of living together as a married couple, however the untreated ADHD of my husband, coupled with he not taking care of his diabetes regularly has taken every bit of energy, strength, and hope out of me.

He cannot focus on a job long enough to maintain a steady income to support our family.  He has admitted to me that he gets bored and cannot stay on task.  He takes on too many jobs or projects at a time and cannot keep up with anything as a result of this which leaves us financially on the verge of losing everything.  He thus feels defeated and then the depression kicks in and he cannot function.  I end up sounding like a nag and he feels as though I expect too much from him.  I have taken steps to take my home-based business out of the home now that all the kids are in school full-time and this way I can be more financially responsible for the family and can only blame myself when bills don’t get paid.

Recently he took a job out of town at my encouragement for 12 weeks just so we have a steady income since the new sales job he took was not generating the type of income he had anticipated. (Refer to paragraph 2)  Since he has been gone I found out that our property taxes were not paid and we may lose our home.  Some of the utilities were not paid and have been shut off and turned back on promptly when I let him know.  We now have no health insurance and we’re 40.  I have let go of the idea that there will be any financial success, I just want shelter, clothing, and food.  He thinks I am such a nag and that I expect too much from him.  Our house has been for sale for months and if somebody buys it, I may be willing to file for divorce if he does not get help.  I don’t know what else to do since I cannot take much more of this emotionally, financially, or spiritually.  I am bankrupt in all of these areas of my life. (not literally)  I have just had enough.  I have begged him for years to please get help and that AA encourages members to seek “outside” help for issues beyond the 12 steps.  This is definitely one of those instances.  Does anyone have any suggestions or input on what I have written?



My husband didn't get help

My husband didn't get help until he was in his early 40's.  I finally convinced him that he needed to get help.  He was first diagnosed with OCD and later with ADD.  Being a math nerd, I was paying all the bills and balancing the checkbook, taking care of taxes and insurance.  It became too much for me to do...the stress was immense.  I told my friends it was like letting a 13 year old have your check book and your ATM card.  I was ready to leave if he had not gotten help.  My husband does not like to be alone and when he realized that would happen he went for help.  It was not easy though and 18 years later we're still dealing with medication issues but he has his own checking account and pays half the bills.

Can Relate to Financial Frustration

This is my first post on the site.  I felt compelled to comment because I am having the same frustration as some of you as it relates to finances.  I am the wife of an ADD man in his 40's who hasn't had any financial responsibilities in 3 yrs!!!  When we dated, he had a successful job as a sales trainer and team manager within a small company.  He seemed driven to succeed and was passionate about his work.  However, it wasn't long before I started to realize that he wasn't great at paying his bills even though he had the money to do so.  I suggested he enroll in automatic bill pay at that time and everything seemed to work better for him as far as his bills were concerned.  Right before we decided to get married 2 1/2 yrs. later, he began having problems wtih the management of the company he worked for.  When I suggested he talk it out and try to resolve the issues between them, he said that it would be a waste of time and felt they were picking on him because he was the only minority in the company.  When I asked him what they did towards him to make him feel that way, he provided examples of things that seemed very minor and possibly misinterpreted by him as something major.  When I tried to help him with ways to communicate with them, he became very defensive and told me I didn't have a clue because I'm not there to experience the abuse towards him.  Needless-to-say, he ended up leaving the company several months before we were to be married and after we had moved into a new home together.  I was livid!!!   I asked him to consider the fact that we had lots of new expenses and an upcoming wedding that we required both of our incomes.  Against my advice, he left his job anyway.  However, he convinced me that he planned to start his own business right away doing the exact same thing that he did at his previous place of employment.  He was convinced that the money would just start rolling in....NOT!!!  That never panned out and he ended up losing more money.  Meanwhile, I have been stuck with the bills ever since then.  My in-laws and I have been taking care of this 42-old-man for the last 3 years.  He's tried other business ventures with plenty of excitement that eventually yielded little to no income.

I've noticed my attitiude change from patient and understanding to inpatience and bitterness. I feel like I am taking care of a 42-year-old child who doesn't take responsiblity in our household or of his own financial debts.  He had the nerve to attach an automatic payment for a credit card bill he got before we married to an account I use to pay ALL of our monthly bills and living expenses!  He said that he changed the info. with the credit card company but they have continued to take payments from that account, many times leaving me with addtional insufficient funds fees for several months now.  We are already strapped for cash due to his unemployment and top of that, I have to pay for his mistakes!!! 

I really want my husband to take financial responsiblity in our marriage.  I am ok with managing our bills and payments but really want him to contribute.  He keeps saying, "I should be getting a check on...." based on some freelance sales work he's doing with a guy he used to work with at his previous company.  However, many times he ends up with nothing.  I'm tired of taking care of a man who is capable of working.  Sure, he has his challenges with ADD, but there's no reason why he can't find a position that will accommodate it.  He says he wants children, but he knows i refuse to have children with him until he can hold a stable job for a while.  Not sure if that's enough to motivate him but I certainly hope so.  He seems to use the economy as an excuse now so I am so lost as to how to get this man to work.

Any suggestions?????