Have you ever wished that you could be free from pain? The pain that you attribute to your marriage relationship? I sure have....I have found in my own life, that this freedom I have sought has taken me through many stages of psychological realities....I have been stuck in some of these stages for years...Because I would determine it to be a safe place (really I was just trapped there, due to expectations I was placing)....But when the reality would eventually set in, that it wasn't going to ever bring me to the place of real freedom....I knew I had more work to do:(.....
Some of you who have marriages where there is ownership instead of denial, probably have an easier time than myself in finding this freedom, maybe:)...Stage 1 was placing expectations on my spouse, and then fighting tooth and nail to force it to happen...The product for myself was, anger and bitterness...I was a most miserable human, felt totally unloved and unappreciated....(over 4 years here)....
Stage 2 was a transitional stage....repentance, finding healing, some acceptance, (acceptance of our huge differences about most things related to daily life) boundary setting (for survival, and protection for us both). I was in stage 2 for a couple of years at least...
Stage 3 Perfecting Acceptance, which has meant several things...a. freeing myself from ever trying to think for her, or point out what is right or wrong for her. b...allowing myself the freedom to find my own peace, no matter what action must be taken for that peace to be had..(this is when I came to peace with living alone, if that was what it was going to take)... (3 years here) ...I have just recently moved into a new stage...
Stage 4...This stage is about healthy attachment....It's about self discipline for my self...discipline to not regress back to things like expectations, pressing or pointing out differences, it's about managing my own life (ONLY) to be the kind of husband every faithful wife deserves...My wife's denial is slipping away (slowly) but in reality...My wife can't coax me into a fight any longer (So she doesn't want to fight any longer, she never really did, but, denial must be excused or justified)....We are learning how to truly trust, (not just one another)....I am learning how to respect the sufferings of her mind, and be at peace with the disciplines it forces on us....And what I have experienced from her the past several months has been an amazing amount of self awareness, kindness and thoughtfulness...Even when she starts to blurt out something, she stops herself....And because I have been experiencing enough Grace to not react/ reply....Then it goes away, and later we may even celebrate the small victory....
I will take this opportunity to thank my Lord, for his mercy, and the power of his faithful presents...which makes all things possible....
Finding freedom from the pain.....Never confuse willful sinful acts (choices), with thought processing challenges....Never justify wrong (There is just no right way, to do the wrong thing)....I have to be 100% responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors (no matter what anyone else say's or does). And I have to forgive in order to be forgiven...
c
Still working, still searching
Submitted by jennalemone on
C, I am getting to the place where you are. Not quite yet, and not in the same ways, but it is necessary to keep walking through steps of learning/acknowledging, accepting, finding peace and accepting that I will be doing that alone rather than with a partner. I can see what healthy attachment is and how that is necessary. There is a part of me that doesn't want to give up on our potential to be a "couple". Or I should say MY version of what a couple should be/can be. It is about being a realist rather than a romantic....and I am old enough to content myself with reality rather than romance (or am I? maybe that is what my internal fight is about). I don't know if I want to give up the romance ... Then I ask myself if that is childish of me to not want to give up the dream or if giving up the dream is a deathnell. So, C, I am close but not there yet. There is some resistance in giving up a part of myself that I used to love...the romantic. I am working on trying to portion that out. I can give up the doting, compromising, stars in the eyes. But as of today, it feels like stooping below my idea of myself to try to walk into the sunset with someone who is so childish and self centered. I don't yet have the stature inside myself to be able to love that independently and that sacrificially. I loved that way for so long, and I feel duped and naive. But, I can see that is my only recourse if I stay married to this guy. And that is my only choice at this stage. So I will have to count my blessings and find the strength to heal myself of my own marriage expectations. And find a way to not wallow in self pity or remorse or shame, but turn it into a beautiful act of acceptance of the realities of life. ....for some reason, that still sounds to me like "stuffing it" and not being true to myself. So, step four is still a battle more than ever for me.
Thanks for writing this. It is so well thought out and you speak from experience and thoughtfulness. Sometimes finding the right fitting marriage is luck. Your wife found a good luck when she found you. Our lessons are making us humble and searching (if not focused on something that should be easier and not such a big part of our energies and thoughts). I believe that spirituality is in the searching. I ask God, what? how? why? Life has its own purposes for us, we don't know what those purposes are, but the acceptance that we don't have total control, is freeing. The faith that life will be what it will be is freeing. Acceptance that lots of life will can be painful for most people with spots of joy, wonderment, beauty and there lies the peace. C, I am glad you have found a headspace that gives peace. I think you are definatley on to something with your list of steps. I am glad you are on this board. This board has helped me to learn and grow and accept in a community of thoughtful people who are searching.
Jenna....
Submitted by c ur self on
(So I will have to count my blessings and find the strength to heal myself of my own marriage expectations. And find a way to not wallow in self pity or remorse or shame, but turn it into a beautiful act of acceptance of the realities of life.)
So beautifully put!...It has to end Jenna (or we never truly draw a contented breathe).....And it's not up to my spouse to end it for me (contentment for c)....It's up to me....I had to stop wishing for something different, and be thankful for what I have....And pursue it in wisdom, and self awareness....She isn't God, and I can't make her one....But, my God, expects me to love her....Every one of us has to step back at some point....And take that long look at ourselves first....Am I daily being a loving spouse?...One who isn't filled w/ wants?...But one that takes Joy in the work of my marriage?....And we must be honest with ourselves about our spouses....Has this person been faithful to me? Is their heart felt intentions been to fully Love me?...(regardless of any psychological infirmities)...It's nothing to take lightly....When I make a decision about my marriage (to go or stay)....I hope I will always make it like it's my last day to live....Like this decision will meet eternity that day!...I think it will give me perspective on what is important...
As always, I wish you a contented and wonderful life my friend....
Thank you so much
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
Thank you, C, your thoughtful posts always seem to hit the nail on the head about how to grow in a relationship, and apply to a healthy marriage, adhd or otherwise (giving up expectations, not imposing a way of living on some one. . .). I think I'm in the middle area of stage 2 to 3. . and trying to find acceptance and live mentally on my own without any expectations from my husband, including helping me with the house and children. I struggle with how to preserve my mental health and well being and not become burnt out and exhausted, when I'm basically emotionally, and with regard to household and parenting tasks, largely a single parent. And I work fulltime and I'm trying to grow my career without a supporting partner. Sometimes it feels like a daily struggle to not get bitter. . . But I'm building up my support network and figuring out what boundaries to set and live by. Have a wonderful weekend.
HD
Hearts Desire.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Ive read many of your posts...I personally think you are amazing, (patient, kind, responsible, a real worker)....To me, stage 3 is as for as a person can go alone....I wasn't expecting to move into another stage in this marriage...Stage 4 takes heart changes by both parties....I'm not sure I would or could have moved there alone....God is awesome though, he does the impossible, every day!
Thank you, c! What a lovely
Submitted by Heart's Desire on
Thank you, c! What a lovely message. I think you are articulate and thoughtful and always open to growth and change, while maintaining devotion to spirituality and to your wife. This forum and community is a welcome source of comfort.