Hi, I am relatively new here and grateful to hear your stories - up until now I felt so alone and misunderstood. Rather than listing the numerous unfinished projects, equipment blocking our driveway and money lost on irresponsible (and completely unilateral) decisions on "good deal" major purchases my undiagnosed husband has made during our 17 year marriage. If not for our 2 children I would have left a few years ago.
This past 5 years we've had some occasional deep talks about my unhappiness and frustration with his behavior. The past year has been the worst, I was ready to leave when something about adhd came into a discussion I was having with my therapist. I researched it and had a big "aha!" moment. I read one book on it then got Melissa's book on the ADHD effect on marriage. It made me realize all of my feelings were not unfounded.
I took a walk with my husband (to be away from the kids, ages 13 and 16) and explained how I found this possible diagnosis may be able to save our marriage. I basically said I need him to read the book, agree to and evaluation by a professional, and commit to marriage counseling if I'm going to give this marriage one more try. After getting defensive and trying to derail the conversation per his usual modus operandi, I stayed calm and stuck to the topic. This was 4 weeks ago. He has read about 1/4 of the book - after 2 more arguments where my closure was "how is it going with that book?" - that tends to get him to fit in a few pages. Anyway, in that time I have reached out to many resources, and FINALLY got an appointment for an evaluation with an MD that is this Friday.
Meanwhile, it seems nearly impossible to find anyone with experience in ADHD that also provides marriage counseling. I need a male provider for him to not blame it on male/female differences in thinking, and I preferred in-person but have expanded to telemedicine and it seems fruitless. No one with these credentials have any availability. I thought I could possibly save my marriage and now I feel that's not going to happen due to a shortage of resources. Our talking one-on-one never makes a difference, other than some accusations that I'm asking too much and short-term extra effort on his part that dies down after a few weeks, when his resentment takes over.
Any suggestions on finding help with a good counselor would be most appreciated. Thank you.