First marriage, husband very strange -ADHD?

Hi,

I am so glad I can write in this forum, I have been very confused about the things going on in my marriage and hope I get some clarity. My mother tongue is not English so I hope I can get the points across. Sorry it is long but I wanted to give an accurate picture of him and give some examples of what happened. I hope someone will take the time to read it. I will appreciate every comment.

I have married around 6 weeks ago. I have been dating my husband a very short time (10 weeks) but we had some personal reasons for a quick marriage. I am 35, he is 50 and I love him very much. He has been in the US since 25 years, has 2 grown kids and is from Turkey, a little Kurdish village (no Muslim; has no religion) his parents were alevites, a very loving and tolerant religion. He was married since 16 to only 1 woman until 2001! Then she divorced him. They remarried in 2005 as she got cancer and he wanted to help her with the insurance. She died in 2008 and according to him he had no other woman ever. And no woman in the last 12 years. He looked after her all the years until she died. He gave her all his money, also now to his kids: he pays their condos, has his pension on their names and pays monthly life insurances for them. I thought: "wow, what a nice man!"

I met him on my first job here in March. He is a restaurant manager. I noticed that at work he always ran around, picking up things quickly, greeting guest at the table quickly, and then running somewhere else quickly. People could talk to him, yes, and he always gave them instructions. But I also noticed that he sometimes ran away if I talked a bit longer. I also had one hostess saying to me that he is up and down with his moods according to how well the restaurant is doing that day. He is very emotional, very friendly and helpful and everybody loves him there. He started to show an interest in me, saying he is looking for a wife, that his wife died. I was friendly but turned him down 3 times until in June when I fell in love too. I noticed right away that there was some form of communication problem that it was a bit hard to talk with him, about him not good listening etc.

Then we married in August. He was very, very nice, loving and kind to me, feeding me with grapes (seriously) and always saying he loves me and flirting. But what I didn’t like is that he worked from 11am until 1am, 6 days a week! Then we had the relationship and his head started to spin around so he had no choice but to cut it down to 66 hrs a week!
He told me that his ex-wife later in life (for many years) didn’t believe anymore he loved her and he tried everything to proof it to her even thought of killing himself but then didn’t do it because of the kids. Nothing worked. Also she was always sure he cheated but he said he definitely did not. I was surprised as I found him to be a very loving man. He actually says around 5 times a day he loves me and misses me! I know they had a lot of fights and he said their conversations went in circles and she thrown him out of the house many times. He had to meet his family always in hotels as she didn’t want them in the house and was jealous. In 2001 she made him choose between her and his mother. He didn’t like that and so she divorced him. But he said to me his wife always came first and he did everything for her.

It became obvious that he was frightened about having a new marriage/ relationship again as he was scared it might be horrible again. For me marriage was the only option as I have to marry because of my religion. I was also very concerned about fornication and the consequences as we got very close to this, so one day he said we can marry quickly so I feel better. He said he marries me because he loves me just that it is much quicker then he thought and wanted to keep it secret to his kids and family, and tell them later.

In the 3 months of courtship there were around 4 times when we had an argument, he got upset and talked about finishing right away but then right after changed his mind again.
And also sometimes he said strange things like: "I told my wife as well if she wants to leave to go with another man she can, I will send her flowers if she thinks she is happier with him, I would only be happy for her and tell myself I obviously didn’t give her enough of what she needed so its somehow my fault". "No, I would not be jealous and have pain if I see you with another man" (he explained he would just be angry) "It's your choice, you are a free woman, you can leave whenever you want". I found this talking always very strange! Especially as he loves me very much.
This quickly wanting to leave when an argument came up: I always put that down to the fact that he was traumatized from his horrible marriage.

We also had an issue with communication as I like to talk and he said: "no, I like it short and sweet, short and sweet”. After the marriage he told me he knows he is impatient when people don’t get things and not a good listener".

After the wedding he told me with tears in his eyes that he will do everything to make me happy.
 


Soon after the marriage the fights increased. 2 days after the wedding I wanted to discuss something as we had a problem coming up. That took some time to talk about it. At some point he jumped up and went to the living room saying he will in the morning go back to courthouse as he has 72hrs to reverse it. I talked 2 hours to him as I was in shock, to no avail. The next morning I was scared to talk as I didn’t want to make it worse but then did tell him and he realized what he had done and cried for 3 hours, saying how bad he was to me and promising me he will never ever say he leaves me again so quickly, and that he loves me so much and will try at least 1 year....(I asked him to do that as I myself have an issue with rejection because of my childhood and cant cope with it when people say at every argument the relationship doesn’t work we should separate and then later take it back and cry).

But the whole thing was surprising for me as before we got married I made sure to explain to him everything about myself and my religion. I am a Christian and have my moral standards: no sex before marriage, no fornication, adultery, lying, swearing etc. And also that I cannot divorce him unless he commits adultery. He promised me he would also only leave me on those grounds. He agreed with many things and made many, many promises to me about many things in general.
Those arguments happened often that he said things and then later said he didn’t mean them, but that his anxiety comes up when I continue talking and he gets angry and then tells me to live separately or he doesn’t eat my food anymore etc. Or I can leave if I want to. And later he always regretted it and sometimes cried very much!

 

Now I’m going to write a couple of examples down which are very strange experiences with him:

1) 3 days later I saw message in his Facebook account in his I-phone (he allowed me to play with it). I saw that for 1 year, and far into our relationship - up to our wedding day, he has been writing with a Russian girl. She was very obvious and said about missing and kissing him and wanting to see him again in the hotel in turkey. He said about missing her too. But she was much more intense. But last October he wrote: “I will be kissing you when we meet again”. At another message last year she said she had no man since him and wants him to have sex with her.

1 time per year he goes for 3 weeks to turkey and she knew he would come in September and wanted to meet him. Up to July when we were already engaged he said: “Ok I will meet you in the hotel, I will book the hotel as you want”. Then he kept on not answering her much and then on our marriage day (Aug 17) he said: "I have a girlfriend now, our relationship has become very serious, I don’t think it’s a good idea anymore to meet, I hope we can stay friends of course...” She replied and wished him all the best with kisses. He replied saying he hopes to see her in the future.
I confronted him the next morning as he said he never ever had a girlfriend, and never kissed anybody in 12 years since his wife divorced him. He spent around 40 mins to explain to me that he met her last year when he was with his brother in law in the hotel but was never alone with her and never kissed her and never had feelings for her but never knew if things change later, but didn’t keep an open door with her while with me. Her English is very bad he said.

Even after all this explaining I didn’t really believe him and when I followed him in the bathroom he suddenly moved around and told me something completely different: I did sleep with her! But you told me you had no woman since your wife divorced you! I had 2 women! I always lied and our whole marriage is based on lies! Why have you always lied to me? Because I didn’t want to tell you, I was worried how you see it! Did you also cheat on your wife? Yes!
When? On the cruise ship, 2 times, I am sorry. I have always been cheating! Can you at least promise me you won’t do it to me? No I will do it because one time a cheater always a cheater. I am not a good man for you, you should go. You deserve far better then me. Much better.
Are you sure you are telling me the truth or are you angry again? No, I’m calm I’m telling you the truth. I'm devastated. I am also devastated. Why are you telling me now? Because its better you get hurt now then later.....
This went on for around 2 hours!! and he said all of this while taking his shower, preparing breakfast and getting dressed. And I was beyond despair and devastated!
Then after 2 hours of him explaining I accidently said: “OK, tell me now again what is really true and I promise you I will believe it and never question you again.” And to my very surprise he said: "I didn’t sleep with the Russian girl and I also didn’t cheat on my wife".
I was shocked and didn’t know what to believe anymore. I tried to exercise lots of patients and asked why he told me all of that and he said: "You anyway didn’t believe what I said and I didn’t want to have another marriage where the woman doubts me forever and as I cant say I leave you anymore I made this story up because I thought then you would leave me! And then I just thought it is best to stick to that story!
Since that day he kept saying that he never cheated and only ever had his wife in his 50 years. But he often talks about his head being in a mess.

2) One day he comes home and says his kids also believe that he cheated their mother on his 7 years working on the cruise ship, because they noticed he often didn’t wear his ring on the photos. I say “wow even they don’t believe you?” and he replies: “My wife always believed I was cheating, maybe she was right.”
Why do you say this? Because you don’t trust me!

3) He comes home laughing and says: “what did you do, what did you put into my food that I married you so quickly?” I say I don’t like this kind of humor and instead of stopping he goes on and on and on. At some point he gets upset blames me and goes to bed. I follow him and very nicely try to talk and explain that I’m different and don’t want this. But he gets angry and is asking me to stop talking and I say I just quickly want to make peace and we go to sleep but it doesn’t work. (When I talk to him he listens for a short time and then doesn’t care anymore. If I then continue he gets angry and becomes very rude and very unkind and sleeps on the couch and there is no way to reconcile for this moment, I can be like an angel talking to him or just say I’m so hurt please come at least back to bed but he is harsh and says "NO. You been a bad woman, bad Christian etc...."
Strange as it may sound, there are always hours of great closeness and understanding and every day sex in between this. Where he is kind and does things for me. I just often try to follow my religion and put up and forgive. But he hurts me very often, almost every day, sometimes badly. He has times when he says that I deserve much better then him and I should have married someone from my religion. And I say I cannot leave him as marriage is for life and I'm stuck and can only leave on grounds of adultery. But love him. He said he tried to come to my high moral standard but can't make it. But whenever those arguments happen he is completely different and for those moments blames me 100%. But when calm he seems to think it's him!

He promised not to make sarcastic jokes anymore. But only days later he came into the bedroom and said, laughing: “my next wife I want her to be like this and that... “. Again I kindly said that I don’t want him to be talking like this, first he understood but then right after he says that I don’t trust him and these are jokes, in relationships everything can be said and I should have full 100% trust in him and laugh it off. And I said I’m not used to this kind of sarcastic jokes and then he gets upset and says: "ok I am temporarily with you until I find another woman" I say: “Ok but this is a joke.” No its not! Why do you do this to me, it makes me insecure! “Because you don’t trust me.”

4) Another time we had an issue coming up and as always he tries to avoid arguments and doesn’t want to talk but I always say its necessary and to give me at least 5 minutes. Then I explain and he tries to listen, but if he doesn’t get it right away he wants to stop as he thinks by talking we create an argument! He always thinks fights and arguments can be avoided by adults and I know this is a dangerous attitude as you must be able to discuss differences and work them out! Something he obviously never learned. I always thought he is only scared because of his bad marriage so he wants to avoid talking. I don’t know.
He told me at some point that he said to his last wife he wants his next wife to be mute and deaf.

Every time I do something he doesn’t like. I can be very calm, ask questions he doesn’t like, get involved in his money business, he doesn’t think it’s right. Then he gets upset quickly and is harsh and tells me not to get involved and not to ask anything. I feel it’s not fair and too much. Then I say I want at least to know. Very quickly after that he still seems calm but says bad things like "no you don’t need to know". Then I say "I’m your wife" and he says: "you are my wife on paper; you are my wife on paper." Also says that I’m crazy, have to go to hospital. Later I tried so hard to come to a conclusion with him and he said I’m screwing up his brain! Afterwards he apologized for saying I’m only his wife on paper. Said he loves me but when he is angry he is out of control and cannot feel it. He said his whole body is like little needles and talks about his brain again. When I said I need him now as I have so much pain inside, he said that he won’t come and that everybody has to deal with their own pain. Do you not want to at least make up and be in peace again? “NO I can’t come. I’m sorry to say that but I’m not a good husband for you.”

5) We talked, he explained something and in his opinion I am not getting it. He gets upset. After begging him to sit down with me he quickly does so and tries to listen but he is already angry. I’m rushing and explaining quickly in 2 sentences but he gets me the wrong way and jumps to conclusions, gets more upset and angry. I say "no I don’t mean it like that" and I try to explain but he wouldn’t listen in this state, then I ask him to give me just 5 minutes and calmly sit down with me, but he just talks to himself and is mad….I say kindly: "no it’s a misunderstanding please listen I can solve it very quickly." He says: "no it’s not a misunderstanding."  Then he gets angrier and saying things about what I just did and I say "no let me explain please just give me that chance." But he doesn’t give me the chance….
It is very difficult for me to leave in that state because it’s not fair and I could solve it, if he would only listen before he gets angry. At that point he is saying “get out of my face.” And I am very, very hurt. He went into the bathroom continuing to fix the shelf and I came after him, trying to talk, and he is saying “you’re sick, your nuts, your stupid...”

Many times he said to me if I continue to talk his anxieties come up and he is scared of getting another marriage like the one he had. He also often said about his head and sometimes about the emptiness in his head and head can't take things and about his sensations like needles in his body and things like that. But I put this all down to his 66 hours work a week. Not having had a break in 15 months, having a new relationship, having rushed into marriage etc...

 

Now he is away for 3 weeks and I had a big problem with noise from new neighbors upstairs and can’t live here anymore. He almost says nothing about it on the phone even though I’m going through hell here (lawyer, landlord etc.) It makes me feel he doesn’t care but he says he does and just wants to hear me saying: I love you and I miss you. (I am very worried when he comes that he plays things down and doesn't want to move as I have to otherwise I go sick from the noise!)
Before he went he said: "I will call you very short from there, I turn off my iphone. I call you once a week." I was upset and then agreed but he ended up calling me every day. On the airport he was very emotional, had tears in his eyes and sent afterwards 3 messages: I miiiiiissss you. I looooooove you. I try not to hurt you again.
Then once there he called and was very cool and sober (I don’t know him like this) and after asking him he said he feels quite normal as he was separated from his wife many times and she never came with him to see his family and he can deal with this very well. But 2 days later he (surprisingly) left a very intense message on my phone saying he loves me sooooo much and to be honest misses me more and more each day. I counted it and he said it 7 times and was extremely emotional again. In the next calls he was normal again.
Before he went he also said to me that he will not tell me on the phone anything about what his family thinks and when he comes back we will sit 1 hour down and he will explain everything and then he never wants to talk about it again. Last time he called he said he will have his tongue taken out before he comes back.

He calls me 5-10 minutes each day and we don’t talk about anything what happens with him or me; he tells me almost nothing about there and just says he loves me and misses me. I can’t really tell him anything about here, if I do there is not much response.

This emotional up and down is another thing about him. But usually, when here, he is very loving, kissing and hugging. And even sends me messages from work that he misses me. The relationship constantly changes between: arguing and if I want to solve them he gets quickly angry, being very uncaring, ignorant and rude! And then again later he is singing: “ohhh my daaaarling, I loooooove you, myyyy girl, sooo much, I never leeeeave you", and him doing everything for me. Sometimes I thought he was insane as these changes happen sometimes between hours!

The worst thing for me is the almost non-communication about things. I can always (not on the phone now) talk to him and ask him to sit down. He does that for a couple of minutes but then gets up and just leaves or says he wants to stop. I remember when I told him something in the car and he reached the bank got out and closed the door in the middle of me telling him something. I opened the door and shouted “I was not finished” and he angrily shouted back “I come back in 3 minutes”. When he came back I was too scared to say anything as he could have got angry at me. He always says that I am creating problems when I want to work things out by talking. Now whenever I explain to him things for example about the importance of talking and communication in marriage he says: "don’t give me another class". Which is very annoying!

In the supermarket he suddenly disappeared. I was searching for 10 mins, found him and asked him nicely to let me know next time. He said he is 50 and couldn’t understand why I said that. I tried to explain in a couple of sentences, he didn’t get it and said “you are paranoid.” I then realized it was a misunderstanding as he thought he can’t go away and I only meant him to tell me, so I said: “it’s a misunderstanding, please just give me 1 minute to explain.” He said: “No. You are making a nice day into an argument. Stop it. Stop it or I am leaving the supermarket.” I said: “but....” And he left! He was mad at me for 1 hour or so and I couldn’t understand why.
With my last boyfriend I could sometimes talk for 2 hours about all kinds of nice things, watch films and look at photos but he wants everything quick and doesn’t even show an interest in my past.

One time I explained to him about my past and he said absolutely nothing and I told him exciting and heavy things for around 40 minutes. At the end he just got up and combed his hair. I wanted feedback or interest in what I just said and he said: “what do you want me to say? It’s like a story. Its like I switch on TV and then I switch it off again.”
I was very upset as I felt he didn’t care about my past, grandmother, and mother. I put all of this down to his character.

Last night however I went to the restaurant where he is usually working and a girl who works with him since 6 months told me she has ADS and believes he has this too as he runs away in conversations, runs around like crazy and always does many different things etc. I never heard about ADHD before and just hope that somebody here can tell me if that could explain his behavior.

Also in one fight he said he breaks all his promises he made before the marriage as he can’t do those things, it doesn’t work. It turned out that promises don’t mean much for him in general as they can be changed any time. He even said promises are there to be broken. Nothing in life is sure. Now my whole trust in him is gone! He often says what he will do and later changes his mind. And often goes backward and forward! He said to me that it is normal and he might say to me that we go to the Zoo tomorrow but in the morning might change it again. With other things he seems reliable. He has been working in his last job for 12 years and the job before for 8 years... So this doesn’t sound like a typical symptom.

It’s always the same: a little disagreement comes up. I try to solve it, if I can’t do it in 2 minutes he gets angry, if I then continue he gets very rude. If I then explain and try to be nice he gets his jacket on and talks about leaving and that the marriage doesn’t work out. (I always stopped him from going) One hour later he says he loves me and would not leave anyway. Also his strange jokes about other woman and the marriage and him out of the blue fooling around and being like a little child and not stopping when I don’t like it and ask him to stop. His behavior is very unpredictable!

He always says his childhood was good, but that he was a very naughty boy, teasing and doing bad things and his parents always punished him and hit him, but he says he deserved it. He never tells me more as I think he dislikes talking. Now on the phone he said everyone in his family always is talking and he doesn’t seem to understand it.
I can’t even watch a 1 hour film with him. Also, he is working too much (by choice), he seems to be very particular of doing his job as perfect as possible, and I see him not often.

Could he have ADHD?

Yikes!

That all sounds BEYOND frustrating.  I can't answer your question, I'm going through something similar with a new marriage and lots of inconsistencies to the point where I've lost trust as well.  So I deeply understand and sympathize.  However based on the research I've done and the ADD questionnaires I've filled out on his behalf, I truly believe he is ADD symptomatic.  Also coming on a site like this and reading all these experiences that could be snapshots of my own life... I mean that seems too much to be just a coincidence.  And what you've related about your husband sounds a lot like ADHD, someone in my circle mentioned Aspergers as well, I haven't done any research on that yet... it's on my todo list though.  Like you I want answers to try to understand.  And you know something funny... I believe I too have ADD, it's undiagnosed but a lot of the symptoms I recognize in myself especially when I was younger.  I have always felt a little odd and not assimilating into society quite as smoothly as others around me among my many other issues, but I too am a Christian and I felt that the bible's instruction and the structure of the meetings and schools and personal study really helped me to... I don't know gain perspective, a little self control maybe? and now while I still notice areas where I struggle, In my relationship it feels like I'm the non-ADD'er and that is a very odd feeling.  Have you tried taking him to one of your congregation meetings?  Until he's treated for whatever it is going on with him, I wonder if the structure and perspective might help him, as it did me.

 

With you in Spirit,

Tigerfly

More like cultural values than ADHD

Dear, I'm sorry you have ended up in such a mess at such a young age. However, his behavior doesn't  sound like it can be blamed on ADHD to me. At best, it sounds like he grew up in a culture that believes it is OK for men to have "indescretions" in their marriages and probably values women less that men. Hence, his reluctance to reveal himself to you, an inferior. At worst, he sounds like he could be mentally unbalanced.

You say you are a Christian and can't leave him, but you clearly ignored the Bible and married an unbeliever, so all bets are off, so to speak. If, as an unbeliever, he doesn't want to stay with you, you are under no obligation to stay with him -- and it appears to me that the longer you stay in this extremely unbalanced relationship (age, morals, values, culture, pretty much EVERYTHING that matters), the more pain you are creating for yourself. Get out and start again.

it seems so many ADHD symptoms?

@lynnie. Thanks, yes it is a mess. But I know for sure that he values woman the same as men. I was a bit worried to write Turkish as he is from a little Kurdish village and didn't grow up in the Muslim religion but a different one were women and men are treated very fair and equally and women hold high positions and are honored and valued, they don't wear head-covering. He is very kind to women and has a very close relationship with his mum.

Why do you think its not ADHD, it seems he has so many symptoms of ADHD: I can only have short conversations of 2 minutes then he gets uneasy and angry if it continues, he is very restless, the whole day running around, cannot sit still, is always thinking of the next thing to do,  was the naughty boy in his childhood who couldn't stop it. As everyone always tells him he is overworking himself, always works too much, running around like crazy at work (without reason), doing lots of things at the same time, having unfinished tasks. He doesn't listen well but talks himself, runs away in the middle of talking to him (also does the same to people at work), lots of letters at home he doesn't open - I do that now. Gets angry quickly, impatient with people especially when they talk a few more sentences or gets angry if they don't "get it". I cannot watch a video with him he gets up after minutes and says he seen enough. He never has long conversations with me about anything i.e. my past. I tried to watch a film with him which he likes but he cant concentrate for even 1 hour and cope for that long. He is always talking about his head not coping when we talk for a bit longer. Now it also gets clear that he is inconsistent, changes his mind, that I cannot take promises for sure he is saying, changes his future plans back and forward depending on the mood he is in, says everything is open, on the other hand he has been consistent with jobs (which is not a symptom). He is very up and down but does not get depressed just like very high and normal again. He has low self esteem, is always on the go, interrupts or shortens conversations, hates conversations it seems, but does talk himself all day long with his staff. And then those changes between being all over me and very loving, attentive, caring and understanding and then again is ignorant, rude and uncaring when we talk too long, as I think now his brain cannot cope and then he turns into a real "monster" and is like a different men. If i then try to continue to talk, even in the nicest way he is getting worse and worse.

@tigerfly. Thanks, yes i also think it looks like he has many symptoms of ADHD. The woman at work has it and is sure he has it too after working with him for 6 months. Yes I took him there 3 times but its his choice and in the moment he doesn't want to go.

Has anyone any more thoughts on whether he has ADHD?

Also the strange thing what happened under point 1) where he changed his story 3 times. Anyone has thoughts on that? 

Also what I would like to know: people with ADHD, what happens if they can only have a very short conversation but then it goes on and on, for lets say 1 hour, how would people with ADHD react? Would they freak out? What happens with their brain at this moment?

 

Is it ADHD?

I've been around a lot of ADHD people, but none are as erratic as your husband sounds. All could hold a long conversation if it was interesting to them and didn't accuse them of anything. They didn't have to be "naughty." (That sounds more like an oppositional defiance disorder.) Keep in mind that 60% of ADHDers have co-existing mental conditions. While your husband MAY have ADHD, his symptoms sound to me like they lean more toward mental illness than just ADHD.

If he indeed values women as much as men, it is still clear that he does not value YOU. His treatment of you is terrible, and you are not going to change his basic personality, no matter how nice you are to him. Moody, oppositional, lies, untrustworthy, cheats or says he is cheating, angry, inconsistent, depressed, uncommunicative, etc., etc. Are you SURE you want to live your life like this??? If so, I think you really need to carefully examine why YOU are so willing to be mistreated.

only rude at those moments when i continue to talk

He is not depressed and he gets uncommunicative if i talk for too long. He is generally very kind and normal to me, but he looses his mental balance every time when an argument or disagreement comes up, and only if I then try to solve them by having" long" conversations (in my opinion not really long, but for him long). 

At those times he says his anxieties come up and he is out of control. These have always been the only times when he was rude and horrible to me. Once he is in that stage of mind he is a completely different person. And all the bad times we had happened in that situation! When his mind was like this he was lying, telling about cheating in his past relationship just to make me  go away as he was terrified that his old problematic relationship with his ex-wife is coming back now. So anxious that he could not control his brain and what he said anymore! Afterwards when he calms down he always says at those moments something happens in his brain and he never means those things. (I hope the point what i mean comes across). I used to think he is traumatized and needs therapy because of his bad marriage he had as he is so scared to have this again. But all the other symptoms from ADHD he has a well.

1st marriage - husband very strange

I wish you the best. Be careful, however. I think deep down you know this isn't normal because the name of your original post was "1st marriage - husband very strange." And I have to agree, he seems very strange to me -- but I think his strangeness goes beyond what is typical in ADHD. I think you deserve a better life than this. Any woman does.

ADHD + mentally ill?

Yes i know. I don't know maybe he is mentally ill :(. Or he has ADHD with something else on top? (even worse)