First Post Inc Questions about Summer Holiday

Hello Everyone,


I have been looking for you for almost 9 years.


Let me introduce myself and explain. I am the non-ADHD Husband of an ADHD wife.I didn't realise this was the case until a few years back, and I didnt realise that this was one of our main issues until the last few weeks.

Let me preface this by saying I am no saint, neither am I a victim. I have my own deficiencies which I need to work on, and I am blessed to have a lovely wife and 3 children (one of them also most likely ADHD).

However, there is a constant cycle in our relationship of; mess, arguments, cleaning, more mess, more cleaners, more mess.... and it goes on....
I am not a neat freak, but I like things tidied and organised, my wife just doesnt live in this space at all. There is so much mess and disorganisation everywhere. I have a network of support I reach out to for help, but until I found this website, I just never believd there would be any practical solutions.

Apart from mess, there is also the issue with 'planning'. I would like to plan for things in advance e.g. days out with the kids, holiday, when will we clean something. My wife does not live in this space at all. She won't (read can't) plan in this way at all.

This overlaps into other areas also; money, a parent-child dynamic, impulsivity. One example; She is not organised enough to do the washing, so she spends more money on buying outfits for the children when we go out somewhere fancy with wider family.

Recently I just became so exasperated by it all. I have been working 4 jobs (she doesn't work, never held down a job), and doing the vast majority of the housework also. Cooking, cleaning, washing, putting clothes away, shopping etc. 

I just came to the conclusion that the situation is not tenable like this. Not for me, and not for the family.

Likely, if she was here, she would mention my own faults (most correctly) and also add that she does do many things for the kids (Drs Appointments, Swimming lessons, Tutors etc.), I don't disagree with any of that - but it doesn't help me with my workload (house load).

In good news, she is willing to meet with a psychiatrist and look into options of medication. At an enormous cost (but worth it - hopefully), this will happen in two weeks time.

This is my first time telling this to anyone other than the few people close to our family who know.

I welcome your thoughts and comments.

I do have some specific questions also;

1. We are going on a 4 week family holiday this summer. As normal I want to make an itenerary as without structure it all falls apart. She finds the whole thing so stressful and keeps telling me we need to be flexible. Often I end up making it myself and she will come out with us most days but other days just stay in bed. Is there a better way of going about this and what are fair expectations of her?

2. Am I enabling her by taking care of the household so much? (At times I feel like a single Dad with 4 children, just running after them cleaning up mess)

3. How do I get out of the Parent Child dynamic and see the person behind the ADHD who I was so in love with?

4. I hate our room it is so messy, tried everything. Whenever she gets dressed, its like a bomb hit the place. Her cupboard and draws are all messy and it just spills everywhere. Any help with this?

(I have bought a copy of the book)

Thank you in advance,

A Non-ADHD Husband