Dear Forum Folks,
Hi. This is my first post. I've tried looking for local support groups for ADHD, but have not found anything, and the closest I can locate is AL ANON. My hope to gain knowledge from learning your experiences, individual tics, and so forth in order to better my own life.
I am recently married, about four weeks ago, and my wife and I are having problems. She feels I am not considerate enough.
Four months ago we were involved in a car accident. She suffered a brain injury that has turned our world upside down. She had to leave graduate school, lost her insurance - being a cancer survivor she cannot purchase an individual plan, and we moved up our wedding date to accommodate.
To compensate for the lack of income, I've been working about six or seven days a week and trying to keep the house clean in the meantime.
Her anger comes from my inability to filter. We had a family member over, and I asked them, "What do you think we should get: a dog or a kid?" I thought I was being funny, but she did not take it into consideration.
There are numerous examples like this. I do not want to completely censor myself, but I do not wish to create this drama.
What advice do you have?
Thanks and take care,
Andrew
Hi, I'm sorry to hear all
Submitted by hollyamy27 on
Hi,
I'm sorry to hear all you and your wife are going through.
I'm responding because I feel that your post could have been written by my fiance. I very often, feel that he is not considerate enough, though I have tried to choose my battles on things too.
He and I are young and starting out and trying to make money to pay bills and debt. I have a pretty good job and I mostly support both of us to compensate for the lack of his side of the income he too is working 6/7 days a week and trying to keep the house clean while I am at work - I try to do the same for him when I am home and he is working.
My anger also is a result of my fiances inability to filter things (amongst other issues) the way I am used to most people filtering during daily conversations.
If I heard him ask "What do you think we should get: a dog or a kid?" I might think several things from her shoes already have gone through what she has experienced.
However, what has helped me not run away with assumptions in my 'own' head is to 'question my assumptions' on the spot. If I assumed he meant harmful things by that comment I would openly ask "What you said made me think [this] and it felt offensive when I thought that, is that what you meant?" - if he says no then I ask him to explain to me what I missed and I let him know if I still don't understand.
It helps greatly to ease my talent of believing assumptions in 'my head' that may or may not be true 'in reality' simply because I heard something and my brain ran away with me before I stopped to consider other possibilities.
Just as he has his filtering or thinking issues this is one of mine. My brain actively making assumptions and then me getting offended about it and all I need to do is ask to clarify the messed up part of my 'over thinking' brain, per-say...