I have named this forum as the first step because I have finally admitted to myself that I have a serious problem and I will be seeking advice to see if ADHD is the cause.
My mother said to me the other day, I think the reason for your outbursts are a result of ADHD and that some medication will help like it helped my nephew who had it when he was young. Well it can't hurt can it? I am hurting all those people around me including my brand new 2nd wife of a few months and how ironic (or sad) that my new marriage is starting to go down the same drain as my first although my first lasted 15 years. My second may last 15 more seconds unless I seriously do something about my temper and anger issues.
This is the first step....my first step.
I really dont know what to say other than I have googled anger management and ways to handle anger and the like and my brother, sister and mother all suggest medication to handle my outbursts and as I said above that my mother thinks that ADHD is a great starting point with my counsellor when I see her this week.
I have always been a highly strung guy but I never got into any fights at school or even at the pub. I was not that type of guy. If anything, I was quiet, reserved and shy. I became more adventurous and a free spirit in my 20's but my mother and grandmother always said that I had a short fuse. I was not fully aware of it because the fits of rage I found myself in included moments of time that I could not account for. In other words, I could hardly recall what just happened for those few seconds, maybe 20 seconds of rage?
Fast forward 20 years and my 1st marriage ended as a result of continued alcohol abuse and that when I was told to stop drinking, that I would become argumentative and angry. Initially only verbal abuse ensued but I guess over the years, the threat of physical terror was too much and I was wondering what I did wrong (because I could not remember what I did wrong or why I did it). Sure there are moments when I do recall things but they are on the scale of about a 5 out of 10 in terms of the rage factor and I guess when alcohol is in the system, then that number can hit the dizzy heights of 8,9,10 or higher which in writing this, is scary to me let alone those around me.
My wife took my 2 children and I dont see my daughter at all but I have my son on a shared basis. My ex wife hardly talks to me and is still angry with me over 5 years on.
A few years ago, I met my beloved 2nd wife who is eveything and more than I could wish for. A beautiful, caring and sweet lady who floats every boat I have BUT I have this thing inside of me that I cannot control sometimes. What it is, I dont know? \
She has seen the demon inside of me and felt its wrath in various ways and although supporting to this point, how long before she leaves me to my own demise?
I have been told by my wife and many friends and family members that I am the perfect husband, father and brother and son 98% of the time but when the wind changes direction....it all goes south. It can start from the most trivial thing including criticism about the way I do something or the manner in which I may speak. Silly things that you would laugh at 99% of the time to be honest but that 1% of the time, it drives me nuts and I have this moment of sheer explosive temper and rage that I cannot explain. It frightens those people around me who have somewhat got used to it but I want it gone.
Where to from here? Clinical Psychologist appointment this week to assist me in my diagnosis and to perhaps embark upon this ADHD path and one in which I am looking forward to taking to rid myself of my demons and get my life and marriage back on track. On track to love, passion and happiness in which I hold these values so dearly now.
I sincerely hope I havent upset anyone here as my story is not unique, particularly to this forum, but given I am writing it from Sydney, it goes to show that this is something that crosses many oceans to faraway places, even in beautiful Sydney.
The reason for writing today is that I need to purge my soul and try and show someone, maybe myself, that I am taking the steps to a better life and in it, a better person in myself.
Stay tuned........ :)