First time here. I need support.

Wow, I did not this type of forum existed.  I'm glad I found it.  I was reading melissa's book and wow...

I'm non adhd wife with small children.  My husband is on meds but not working really well.  He knows he has problems and upsetting me and our kids but unwilling/unable to do more about it.  He just wants me to just deal with his misery.  I don't think he knows what kind of impact adhd/add is on our kids.  We have been married for almost 20 years.  I am on my wits end.  I don't know how long I can/want to take.  I want to save this marriage for our kids, but I'm stressed out and frustrated..  not to mention resentment and angry on both side.

As I read through this forum, I'm glad that I'm not the only one.  The way you guys describe your lives, it is just like mine!!!  I thought I was the crazy, mean depressed ugly person.  I did not know what was the matter with me.  It was not me, it was his adhd.  For so long, he made me feel like I was the meanist and unforgiving, unreasonable person he ever met.  He brings out the worst in me.  How hard I try to help him, he was more upset and mean and distant with me and our kids.

I also noticed "swing back and forth" emotion stuff.  I was/am so confused my it all.  Not to mention my kids just confused and hard time following my husband.  They don't listen well to him, because they don't know if he is serious or joking or just ignore???

He wants me to understant and validate his situation, and I do and I told him that.  But what about mine?  He told me he knows but he can't /unable to do to anything or just no response.  I feel like he just want me to "take it or leave it" "it is what it is".

It is so hard to do everything around the house including raising our kids and hold almost full time job.  He does not do hardly anything around the house just his hobby of cleaning guns, working on his amos, texing, twittering, on comupter, fun with his friends including his "just" girlfriends (which I'm very suspicious since he does not share with me and hiding his phone at all time).  His phone is more close to him than me.  He is with his phone when he sleeps.  Don't let anyone touch it or see it up close.  I saw him checking his phone while he is peeing.

Is it bad of me to wonder what if i'm with someone normal?  Are my kids bettter off?

Keturah's picture

Cyber hug

I am soooooo truly sorry you are going trough this! I am in the midst of a storm myself. I will briefy say that you are not alone, I'll keep you in my prayers. Feel free to look up my posts....I understand 100%. for u, your kids....& for me and my kids...I pray things get better. :-)

I think we all have had

I think we all have had secret thoughts of life with someone easier to live with. Even ADHDers who are struggling with angry, unengaging spouses. It is pretty natural in my opinion to have thoughts of "easier." Having said that, if you are serious about your marriage, you'll want to guard yourself from going too far down that road. The grass will start looking much greener, and maybe it even would be, but it doesn't help stay focused on a marriage worth trying some more. I suggest replacing that thought with something good about your husband to pull yourself back in, such as he IS a hard worker, he DOES run out to the grocery on short notice, he IS a loyal friend...you get the idea.

Normal... What Is Normal?

I told my Psychiatrist that I wanted to feel normal and he asked me "What IS Normal?". Good point... I guess everyone has some kind of issues they have to deal with.

My ADD was diagnosed at the tender young age of 43. I was SO relieved to find out that was an explanation of some of my behaviors. I responded well to Adderall, went to counseling and have been reading and posting since then. I have always split the household and child duties, because I always thought that since my DW and I both worked full time, these duties Should be split. Was it always 50/50, no, but it flexed both ways. In the old days, if I thought I could do less I probably would have because if we had to do more someone would say something, right?!? Classic ADD... We don't see the cues that the NonADDer's take for granted, then later when the NonADDer is tired of it (Understandably) and it is bought up in anger we get defensive because we failed to see it and are guilty/embarrassed. I don't believe this is an excuse, but it is a fact. Do some ADDer's milk this, maybe, so don't let them off the hook for household chores. I intentionally work hard because I want to ease my DW's anxieties over all the work that needs to be done.

The ADDer Can improve, but has to Want to improve. I saw my diagnosis as a way to Upgrade our lives. I see why I failed at things in the past and I'm P/O'd about it! Hind sight is 20/20, so I look to how I will Not fail at things from here on out. You have found this site and there are many who can be a great resource to you.

YYZ

Normal?

The psychiatrist that worked one the mental health team where my  husband worked used to say that "normal is a setting on the dryer." :)

Funny!

My dryer has a Normal setting too!

hm...

I set my dryer to 'normal' every time I use it, but it's not helping me :-(

If it's any comfort:  My husband has his phone in his hand at all times too - sometimes at the dinner table, and I AM THE ADD SPOUSE, NOT HIM.

 

iPhone in hand...

I am told "ALL the Time" how much I'm on FB and/or on my phone, yet my observations conclude my DW is checking FB a lot more than me at home. I've made a concious effort when my DW is in the living room with me to close the laptop if I'm on it and put down the phone while we are together. She checks FB All the time during the same quality time together. I guess it is like we are the recovering alcoholic who can Never drink, while watching our partner drink in front of us...

YYZ

In the same place

I am pretty much in the same place. My DH works "freelance" but we inherited our home from his family, so that covers our rent. That's the only $$ he contributes to our expenses. He doesn't do much housework, doesn't deal much with the children. He's been trying since we got into a crisis mode and started with therapy and medication. He had never been diagnosed before, despite having symptoms that kept him from being successful in school and then being unable to manage a job. People think of him as a creative free spirit. And he is, but that doesn't work unless there's somebody there doing all the grunt work. And that's me, and I'm tired of it. I've been taking a break for the summer, and have taken the kids to my parents, where they spend the summer and go to daycamp. I have been fine here dealing with them -- no yelling, no anger, no bad moods. But when he came in for the weekend, it all just came flooding back. He was droopy, critical, unenthusiastic, quick to yell at the kids, he would jump in to play with them, but then get bored or annoyed and go back to his computer or TV. I noticed that when he plays with them, he doesn't really play "with" them, he plays "at" them, if that makes any sense. He needles and teases them, tickles, roughhouses, etc. and they all squeal with laughter for a few minutes. Then somebody gets hurt or annoyed or it all gets to be too much. Then there's yelling or upset. It's exhausting. We got along on the surface, but there was a lot of underlying anger and tension. He is so happy to dole out criticism, but can't take any of it himself. So we can't really have any sort of talk about it. I thought it would be good if he had some time while he was getting used to medication and going to a therapist, to be on his own and not have us to worry about. But he says he's getting nothing done at home. So we're going to be away a couple of weeks, and when we get home and start school, it's all just going to be the same mess that we were in. No progress. Feeling kind of hopeless. 

normal?

I guess "normal" is wrong way to describe.  I just want a relationship where things are flexible 50/50 and not using your other spouse as emotional punching bag because you had a stressful day or just because you are pissed off and decided not to come home because your spouse is causing you so much anger, frustration and stress "check out " time.  Also tell your spouse that all your reaction, behavior or choices you made is somehow his/her fault.  I can see that in any relationship, these things might happen but not frequently.  I just want that.  I want my children to have some normalcy.

I can write a book about my life with my DH.  I'm sure all of you can too.  It is just too frustrating.  How many of you read melissa's book and how many of you are following the guidelines?  Is it working for you?  My spouse does not want joint counseling.  He just not want to hear what he did wrong etc....