First time sharing my frustrations

My wife of 2 years has been diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. She is going to cognitive behavioral therapy which has helped although when she reacts to stressful situations, and finds away to make me apart of the problem. Reason goes out the window. In counseling we agreed that when I recognize that she has been "triggered" that I should say a word that we agree on and I leave for 1 hour. During this time she is supposed to fill out work sheets to help discover the root of her stress ... Hence excluding me as the problem. She will not do the work sheets. In a couple of hours we will be like newlyweds. This is great but sooo unpredictable. Since she is far more sensitive hten me and I am a bit too easy going ... Things tend to go her way although I do stick up for myself. I still feel like a door mat. I'm writing this ... Here because I need a voice. With others who share my joys and hardships with having a spouse with OCD & ADHD. She will here me later ... But for now I ca speak to you all. Thank you :)

we try

 know you were speaking to non adhd people but I cant help but say. I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to live with us. like walking on eggshells. be patient. most adhd adults missed out on years of figuring things out and now as adults they have to start from scratch. if she is working on it she will eventually figure out that you are equals. just in diffrent ways. just dont get stuck thinking she's always pointing the finger at you. we tend to see it as you are always pointing the finger at us.for everytime I got angry at my husband (non adhd) and pointed the finger at him yet again there was one cure that stopped me dead in my tracks. adhd are physical. it's like litterally we cant function without touch. and talking is our way of compensating if we cant touch you. my husband always did something wrong when after years of working on it I figured out it was me needing touch and he didnt give it to me and I didnt know to ask for it. I still dont always get it before I get mad but my husband is truly awesome when he sees me point the finger at him he doesnt even give me a chance to talk he just hugs me and wont let go. I may put up a tiny fuss but the whole while I know very well...I want it. I just cant give in because surly it cant be that easy. it wouldnt have worked before I figured it out but now that I know that basically I need semi constant reassurance that I'm ok and he loves me he stopped taking my anger personally recodnising it was my confusing way of saying "I miss you"

we've been together 8 years and the last two we finally started figuring things out. we've never been happier going on two years. but it really depends on how open you are and how hard you are willing to learn about each other. and dont think about it like your learning to deal with her. she has to deal with you too. it's hard to slow down. ask yourself how long you can talk non stop for an hour and then think about the effort it would us to sit still for even an hour. have a little respect if we can manage to sit through an entire movie and keep in mind there is no way meds or not that someone can take on all your habits and such all day every day anymore than you can sort through the mass of things we think about every day. the sooner you treat each other as equals not "dissabled" the faster you will get a response.

As Ive said before, it is not

As Ive said before, it is not perfection that I, and most nonadhd partners seek in our relationships. I could, especially now knowing what we know, deal with so much of what was originally so frustrating. Just want to throw out two ideas: 1) we nonadhd partners have needs like he adhd partners- both are equally important AnD neither should be ignored; 2) what cant be "handled"/addrrssed by either partner but is clearly imPortant to one or both partners need to accomodated in an alternate way. For example, agree to get a cleaning person once every two weeks/ divide and complete chores in a wY agreed upon (w extra organizational help/reminders as needed for paftners with adhd.

So grateful

I have not finished reading your comment (I need to go to work) but thaaaaank you so much for sharing this with me. I will continue is later but needed to express how grateful I am to have a forum and folks to share experiences with. I know that soon I will be able to share ththese post and insight with my wife. She's a gem. You made a huge difference

it's easy to be fragile

my mom used to tell me that when I was litte. it's easy to be fragile. even then I was always the victim. it was all about me yet I felt I did nothing but do things for other people. it's a never ending topic of hows and whats adhd. we do talk about ourselves alot, it is my personal experience that for me it's because there is a constant wave of emotions pushing me under the water. everytime I get up for air (start having a good day) my husband walks into the room and I go back under. not his fault of course. I talked about myself constantly because to me it was obvious that we were having trouble understanding each other. so in order to help him understand me I went over ever detail of what I felt and thought about and how things affected me. I thought he should be grateful I was willing to communicate but looking back I can see now, all I was doing was having that wave push him down too. he never wanted to talk to me or be around me because I was always pushing him under. I can be very pro about not just dealing with adhd's but helping each other. I admit its a sore spot from the past (working on it) but when your in a adhd world it really does seem like you are right and everyone else is wrong. took me a long time to realise my husband was feeling the same way "theres no way you really cant do the dishes and I'm tired of having to get mad and only THEN you do them" in his mind he was right and I was wrong. luckily the man I married had alot of patience with me while I learned a completely new life (not that I'll ever be done learning) and I learned alot about the things that are important to non's. (let me just say I do have a tendency to generalise and I either dont catch it or dont know how to put it another way but I dont mean any offense and I realise there are so many diffrent shades of grey out there.  I said all that to say this I guess....everything I do and say is important to me......and now...everything my husband says and does is important to me. I struggle, but I find a way to make it happen because he's worth it.   that being said...drowning is a scary feeling...feeling like I dont quite know whats going on or overwhelmed at such easy things is usually where my need for reassurance comes from. my husband actually gets frustrated giving me soo many hugs :) bless his heart , he came up with his own answer. I always feel like he gives me a hug to calm me down, its frustrating to feel like a baby who didnt even know she needed reassurance. he started not waiting till I showed signs. he tried to make an effort to encourage me in certain things and do hugs and kisses. having those moments where I was doing something good and his affection was for nothing gave me alot more strength. he ended up not having to be quite so affectionate that it was every five minutes. it made me feel normal. I worked my rear end off trying to do stuff that was important to him.  still deep down most of my anger stems from .. quite frankly...jealousy. I want to be able to do the dishes and keep a dentist appointment. it's so easy for him to do those things and I start assuming everything is easier for him....thus the pity party. manipulations (again...for me..) stems from the overwhelming emotions....my past, although may seem typical, was a long string of "poor me"s....it was real to me when someone rejected me or looked at me like I was stupid...yet when I asked them why they said that they would always look at me like I was silly "thats not at all what I said" I interpret things diffrent and without a guide to that kind of a thing you end up seeing monsters in the closet so to speek. you see things that didnt really happen. not because the words werent spoken but because they mean something diffrent to me. the same way I say somethings to others in conversations and they look at me like "I cant believe you just said that" I had to come to terms with my past and present by allowing that while it was real to me the majority if not all of it....was not meant the way I took it. I forgave alot and started re-opening to friends and relatives I had long since cut out. I realised it was the word and even body language that was getting missinterpreted. believe it or not I asked my husband for conversation lessons :) I was determind to not embaress him or myself and not only that but learn all I could about him and his way of thinking. at first it was difficult but after a while I saw a common thread throughout the words alot of people say in conversation. what seems like idle chit chat and worthless questions to me with people I may never see again I realised it was like handing them a cookie. that everyday stuff that has no higher meaning or purpose to me and seems silly to talk about...is in fact like paying someone a compliment and by me shying away from talking to anyone who couldnt use my help or couldnt tell ME anything useful I was percieved like a spoiled , rude and self centered person. no wonder no one liked me very much even though I hadnt done anything to them. I was snubbing them. and not just them I started forcing (through manipulation) my husband to get rid of his friends because all they do is relax and talk nonesense and what kind of relationship is that? I am very sorry to say he lost some friends that he may never get back. it's important to take responsibility for ourselves. I cant possibly ask my husband to try to understand me if I'm not willing to open my eyes and see what I've done. just because I did it and feel I may not have had control over it...the consequences are still mine and I thank the lord my husband is willing to call me on it when I start using it as a crutch.