First Timer; Truly Confused

I've been dating an ADHD guy for about 3 years an I truly don't know how to improve it anymore. When I first met him, He's just like everyone's dream guy. He says the nicest things and is always very attentive. A month later, we started dating. All was good and nothing could possibly go wrong within a year's period. During the 2nd year, we started suffering some problems. He says he'll promise to call but he'll never call and start giving excuses. I'd let it go the 1st time but it went on and on and I got fed up. It got me thinking that he just didn't bother to make the effort or that he was seeing someone else or was thinking I was a boring person to talk to. Eventually, I tried not to get my hopes high when he said he'll call. I also didn't feel like I was his priority because he would cancel our date just to go out with his friends or he'll just cancel just because he "doesn't feel like going out". It was only during the end of our 2nd year dating that he revealed to me that he has ADHD. My perspective totally changed and just made me want to work harder to improve our relationship. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time I'm left confused and in tears because I have no one to turn to. None of my friends would understand what ADHD is even. My mother would understand but I don't want to add more things onto her plate as she herself is trying to handle my brother who is a special needs as well (Asperger's Syndrome). After reading Melissa Orlov's blog, she suggest joining a forum or a support group so here I am and I guess you guys could help out on how to communicate and improve my relationship!

Hi Misschevy, welcome.   If

Hi Misschevy, welcome.   If you search through the site you will find so many stories just like yours.  I wont say the words that immediately came to my mind when i read your post...I am one of the many posters that are just about at their breaking points with their spouse, and I don't want to sound bitter..  I will say/ask...does he treat the ADHD, does he manage it well, does he treat you with kindness and love ?  Are there things he does that drive you nuts ? I know there are people with ADHD that manage it well, that are kind and caring people, that they have so much to offer, that you can let slide the forgetfulness or lack of organization or other small things...then there are those that don't manage it, are hurtful, say or do mean things, are so neglectful you might as well not be married..  This is true of people ADHD or not, if they don't treat you well move on. Maybe you have a gem of a guy that needs just the right type of partner...or maybe he isn't.  keep your eyes open, see if he works to meet your needs, and you his.   I can say my relationship has been a very long, bumpy road that I wish I never traveled down.  I hope that yours is easier and you have a better outcome.

Thanks funnyfarm

Hi funnyfarm! Thanks a lot for the reply! Oh, yes I have search the site and that's one of the reasons why I joined this forum. I was happy to know that I am not alone and that I could get help. I'd like to know, does treating ADHD always mean taking medication? Here's the thing, I've read that many people say that their ADHD partners get angry and will say harsh words to them but mine on the other hand doesn't. He's super patient with me, supports me in everything and we could totally relate to each other in almost everything. Those are the reason why I love him. He does treat me really well but there are times when I feel like I've tried hard to work on our relationship and he isn't, I feel neglected. He did say that he's willing to help but I don't know what to tell him to do. Any ideas?

Medication helps a lot. Not

Medication helps a lot. Not that managing ADHD can't be done without meds, but its probably like hiking uphill with a 70 pound backpack instead of a 20 lb bag.  Thats my observation anyway.  I think the thing that is the single most damaging part of my husbands ADHD is his impulse anger...he doesn't have a short fuse, he has no fuse.  Without the anger I probably could put up with his other 'ADD things' more easily...he doesn't make me laugh, or smile, he is just always irritable...especially when he doesn't take his meds.  Glad to hear your guy is not like that, so he may be a keeper if you can accept some of his other things...

I can tell you my kids are like night and day with/without meds....one child is super sweet, compassionate, thoughtful, incredibly intelligent, he is going to be a wonderful adult....the down side he can also be super forgetful, and I know it is not on purpose he truely just forgets and he knows it too and his own forgetfulness drives him crazy.  Without meds he can barley finish a sentence without forgetting what he was saying, he would forget his homework at school every single day..and he would come home open his backpack, see that he forgot again and would get so mad at himself that he forgot his homework again.  This school year we finally got the right med and the right dose, and he no longer forgets his homework, in fact he got straight A's first quarter and is well on his way the second also.  He is even sweeter than before because he can actually talk to you and pay attention and respond appropriately...he is having the best year, he has made some new friends, all his teachers comments on his report card were - pleasure to have in class,  wonderful example for his peers, great work ethic...hello are you talking about My son ???  Talk about a switch from all his previous years about not paying attention...  now every so often i give him a break from the meds, and the absent minded professor is back.

I gave you the example for my son, because 1) he doesn't have the impulse anger that my H has..  and 2) because my H does Not manage his ADHD, or take his meds on a daily basis, he does however take them to go to work because even he will admit that without them work is just so much harder for him and he comes home totally exhausted.  He doesn't follow the helpful advice of his doctor about how to change his habits...he seems to be in denial that it effects our home life at all.

I've seen quite a number of

I've seen quite a number of medications out there that are used to treat ADHD but how do you know which one is best to take? Would psychotherapy help if my boyfriend doesn't take meds?

 

I'd like to ask, have you ever had any miscommunications and misunderstandings like frequently with your husband? Because I get it a lot and I just think he's lying, untrustworthy and manipulative.

Medications - he needs to

Medications - he needs to discuss with a doctor, there is no guessing at what would work best. And it can be trail an error, if one doesn't work he shouldn't give up, just try another.  I think i tried 4 other medications for my boys before finding one that seems to work really well...they all 'worked', just some didn't work long enough, or cause too much appetite suppression.

Miscommunication is a big problem. My H doesn't 'hear' what i say or hears something different than what i have said quite frequently. He also seems to not say what he really means and doesn't always answer questions correctly..meaning his answer doesn't really answer the question...i.e. if I asked 'what color is the sky', he may reply 'its cold out'....and I will have to say thats not what i asked and repeat my first statement.

Welcome to the board. You're

Welcome to the board. You're not alone!

I think funnyfarm did a great job in her responses. I'm glad that she noted where she is at personally and that she chose to ask questions instead of jumping the gun and telling you to leave (as many others do around here). She also noted the big differentiation that we see on this board--those you are medicated and those who are not. There are a lot of spouses on here that when un-medicated and can range the gamut from abusive to short-tempered and mean. Abuse is not to be tolerated. The ones with the short tempers...well I have one of those, BUT the main difference in him and some of the others on here is that he is working to stop the behavior. 

My hubby is not fully medicated; has a prescription for Vyvanse, which he found after trying Strattera and Adderall, so it is trial and error. He takes it when he knows he needs to focus, so no, he not medicated 24/7. He's afraid of becoming dependent, of being too altered, of losing some of the aspects of ADHD that are "good" for him. But he is aware of his "deficiencies" and works to keep them from affecting me too much. He's got about 60% success rate on that, but I've become aware of how hard he tries, and so I try to be more lenient.

Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy. With some help, whether medication or therapy, you guys could be successful.

Good luck to you.