non-ADHD guy married to ADHD gal. 2 kids. married for 10+ years...

I never really understood what ADD/ADHD was other than an elementary-school kid acting wildly in class. After seeing a few random posts one day on social media recently and doing some quick research, I found the recommendation for Melissa Orlov's book. Read the first one, and for the first time in years, cried over the course of multiple days after realizing what we've been going through.

My wife has been diagnosed and when she told me a couple years ago I just brushed it off as it being depression. But after reading the book and reviewing other research materials, no doubt in my mind that she does have ADHD. She's been off/on medications since she was diagnosed. Hasn't pursued any other treatment.

All of the attributable symptoms of ADHD from my wife and their byproducts passed in to me by way of anger/doubt/frustration are present. Compound that with years of me not really understanding what this is and I just find myself not really understanding what to do long term. Part of me wants to figure this out. There's gotta be a way, right? But looking through these forums and all of the other resources makes me wonder if it's even worth the trouble? I've tried so hard, felt like I've done everything, beyond my fair share. And now I have to do even more? Try more? "Do things differently". When I fail, I'm a failure. When she fails, no worries, that's expected? Not sure I have much left to give.

Love my kids so much and the main reason why its taken everything in me not to have left up to this point. But does it make more sense for the sake of my kids to leave? Would leaving mean I love them more, to try and show them examples of how to live and treat other people? But then if I do leave, I leave them at times with the person who maintains a house of squalor and dysfunction.

I know that I have to figure out for myself and I know nothing I'm saying here is really anything new to ADHD or non-ADHD alike. Outside of therapists I don't really feel like anyone else would understand what I'm going through other than posting on here. So, just using this as an outlet to vent.