non-ADHD guy married to ADHD gal. 2 kids. married for 10+ years...
I never really understood what ADD/ADHD was other than an elementary-school kid acting wildly in class. After seeing a few random posts one day on social media recently and doing some quick research, I found the recommendation for Melissa Orlov's book. Read the first one, and for the first time in years, cried over the course of multiple days after realizing what we've been going through.
My wife has been diagnosed and when she told me a couple years ago I just brushed it off as it being depression. But after reading the book and reviewing other research materials, no doubt in my mind that she does have ADHD. She's been off/on medications since she was diagnosed. Hasn't pursued any other treatment.
All of the attributable symptoms of ADHD from my wife and their byproducts passed in to me by way of anger/doubt/frustration are present. Compound that with years of me not really understanding what this is and I just find myself not really understanding what to do long term. Part of me wants to figure this out. There's gotta be a way, right? But looking through these forums and all of the other resources makes me wonder if it's even worth the trouble? I've tried so hard, felt like I've done everything, beyond my fair share. And now I have to do even more? Try more? "Do things differently". When I fail, I'm a failure. When she fails, no worries, that's expected? Not sure I have much left to give.
Love my kids so much and the main reason why its taken everything in me not to have left up to this point. But does it make more sense for the sake of my kids to leave? Would leaving mean I love them more, to try and show them examples of how to live and treat other people? But then if I do leave, I leave them at times with the person who maintains a house of squalor and dysfunction.
I know that I have to figure out for myself and I know nothing I'm saying here is really anything new to ADHD or non-ADHD alike. Outside of therapists I don't really feel like anyone else would understand what I'm going through other than posting on here. So, just using this as an outlet to vent.
She said she is about to
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
She said she is about to start a new prescription...
We've lived the same churning chaos
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
We do believe you. No matter how extraordinarily stressful life becomes or how futile the next steps appear people on this site commiserate with you. Unfortunately many of us have been there in many ways... for decades in some cases. It is sort of like being a continuous blood donor... extended good works leave you completely drained.
BTW unless a 'therapist' wakes up everyday next to a spouse with ADHD they do not 'know' what is like to be an 'ADHD support-serf'. Anxiety 'Death of a Thousand Disappointments'. Every day. Forever.
It is sort of like being a
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
It is sort of like being a continuous blood donor... extended good works leave you completely drained... 'ADHD support-serf'. Anxiety 'Death of a Thousand Disappointments'. Every day. Forever.
Perfect (depressing) analogies.
Admittedly I've spent too
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
Admittedly I've spent too much time going back through your other comments on here over the years. Appreciate your type of wittiness and candor regarding something so dark and soul-crushing. Humor has always been the best medicine for me and you've given me some on this day. Thank you.
Feel your pain
Submitted by SButler on
My wife and I are in the same boat. except I'm the one with ADHD. Melissa's class was eye opening and very helpful. It was fairly triggering for her though, hearing everyone else's experiences and them ringing so familiar. I've had to adjust my daily life to help manage my symptoms which I never realized were so invasive in both our lives together and our three boys, who likely all have ADHD as well. I have accepted that I must exercise, eat well and get enough sleep everyday. I have to take my medication everyday even while I'm still working with my psychiatrist to get them right even a year later. My wife feels that there's no end to the cycle but I hold on to hope that we can use the tools and knowledge we have gained to put some strategies in place when things are going well so we are better prepared when I get disconnected and so she won't feel so abandoned. I working everyday to build better tools to avoid the disengagement and get better at rebounding from the drop that still seems to inevitably happen, I hope we can get out of the cycle or at least change our perspective around it so we can consider it more like dealing with other chronic issues like asthma or crones and not a personal attack. I don't know if this helps but you are in a good place for support. You might look to CHADD as well. We are looking for a ADHD specialized Counselor right now, since most couples counselors just don't get it.
Reading Melissa's book
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
Reading Melissa's book certainly a trigger for me. Never in my wildest dreams that this is where I would be at in my life. My emotions have been a rollercoaster since I read it and find myself consumed by years of confusion and anger. I consider myself an intelligent person, but have never felt so stupid after understanding what's been going on with us. I'm glad you are seeing the effects from the ADHD side and trying to take control. I wish you all the best. And I'm trying to navigate through CHADD as I type this...
duplicate post-please ignore :)
Submitted by Shaky1 on
oops
If only I had answers
Submitted by Shaky1 on
Your post made my eyes fill up in solidarity. Although I don't have answers for you, wanted you to know you are not alone and are a good man for taking in to consideration all that you do. You are understood. I hope you will feel some relief from venting and know that it helps others to read your experience. I believe that if she is willing to admit there are issues, take medication, and put in her share of the work, it's worth the effort but not at the expense of your health, which also ultimately effects your children as well.
Thank you... I think I'm a
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
Thank you... I think I'm a good man? I try to be a good man... I just feel like a failure because all I give just doesn't seem enough and yet I get nothing in return. It's like rowing a boat that never goes anywhere. And then there's my kids... Sigh.
And how long can you row for?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I was in the same boat (literally). I was giving all I could in energy and understanding and compromise only to eventually realize that it would never be my turn to get anything back. Even me catching an illness was an inconvenience for him and the household would implode the moment I needed a day in bed. I was not with a person capable of being in a give-and-take relationship and accepting that fact was a long and painful process. Once I did figure it out, deciding what to do about it (with a child in the picture similar to your situation) was gut-wrenching. This dilemma and what living with an ADHD spouse is actually like is impossible to explain to the people in our worlds... I'm glad you've found us here! Wishing you clarity and happiness.
How long can I row for? That
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
How long can I row for? That's the question really and one I will strive to figure out over the next few months. Appreciate the response and kind words.
It’s so difficult…
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
I am truly sorry to hear you are in this situation. It's exhausting. I cannot imagine what you are going through, having children on top of having a partner with ADHD. I empathize with your having nothing left to give and also with not feeling like anyone would understand without personally experiencing it. For the longest time, the only person I talked with about it was my therapist and even then, sad to part with so much money just to feel a shred of sanity for 45 minutes a week...
I love my partner more than I hate his ADHD. That has carried me thru this for a little bit longer but I am nearing the end of my rope with it. I feel our relationship is a dangerous rollercoaster of emotions. It is so lonely, expecting a partnership with marriage and feeling shortchanged.
I hope you're able to find something on this site that will help you. My words fix nothing, but know you are not alone. Sometimes for me, that is the only solace.
Thank you. Melissa's books
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
Thank you. Melissa's books have been eye-opening, but it's mostly about the marriage/relationship aspect of ADHD. Not many details on how to navigate all of this with children. I wonder how many books I have to read to get more insight on that...
And trying to find a therapist that really knows this stuff is like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm confident I'm going to end up spending thousands just to find someone with real experience that also matches our personalities and by that point, who knows what left I'll have in the tank.
And what is love? I know that's not the relationship I have right now. It's not love when I know every aspect of my life would improve if I left... except for my kids' lives. They don't deserve to understand the pain, disappointment, confusion, and loneliness that I go through. And for that, I will take it all so that they don't have to.
Thought…
Submitted by SOS - Sound of ... on
Have you tried reaching out to Melissa directly for some more personalized guidance? It's worth a shot... I know she offered some support to people after they took her seminar although I don't know the exact details.
I understand wanting to shield your children however they need you at your best and taking the brunt of this won't allow for that so I hope you have a healthy way to cope with at least some of this while navigating thru what's to come. Keeping you all in my thoughts...
I'm in the exact same boat. I
Submitted by Hope is the thi... on
I'm in the exact same boat. I've been miserable in my marriage for years for many reasons. My husband has been unfaithful, lied to my face for months on end, deleted messages, deceived me, not shown up, you name it. He has little to no empathy. When I take the time to explain it like, "If the roles were reversed and I did that, would you like it?" the answer is always no... But then he just repeats the same behaviors again. I've always felt like I could fall off the earth tomorrow and he wouldn't care. I'm in counseling for complex PTSD from his emotional abuse & neglect for the last 19 years. And guess what? He was just diagnosed with ADHD. And I, like you, have read all about how I'm supposed to accept these behaviors and not say anything to make him feel anxious or judged because he can't help it. I have nothing left to give. I've over functioned and been abused for 19 years... with no support. And I'm sorry, but it's not okay. I, too, have children and I don't know what to do. I don't know what's best for them. I think I'll just lay in the bottom of the boat and drift for awhile... It's all I have left.