Our 9-year-old daughter has not flown since she was a toddler.
My wife is taking her to Arizona soon. She might not have a problem with flying. One reason to be hopeful is that she loves scary roller coasters--coasters I certainly won't go on!
But, as we all know, mental health issues are not always subject to reason. She is afraid of what she calls "mannequins," for example, but is very inconsistent on what constitutes a "mannequin." The real mannequins in the store do not seem to bother her. A Bugs Bunny figure at Six Flags, however, sends her screaming in fear. But a giant devil statue at El Diablo at Six Flags doesn't phase her.
I am worried about what will happen if she gets to the boarding ramp and starts freaking out about getting on the plane. My wife has very serious anger issues, which I suspect are related to ADHD. I told my wife to be prepared in case there is a problem, but she was pretty dismissive of my concerns. So she won't be prepared. I will be at work when the plane is scheduled to leave. I hate to think what will happen if my wife is stressed about getting on the plane on time to leave and our daughter is kicking and screaming. Ideally, I would be able to take our daughter and my wife would go on without her. But that won't be possible because I will be at work. (I can't take off because I need to save time for my upcoming medical leave.)
Dear bowl of worry
Submitted by jennalemone on
Hello Bowl, Your story sounds familiar to me. for 40 years I would feel empathic toward everyone I cared about and feel the feelings of frustration and difficulties that they MIGHT face or that I think they are going through and I would prepare things for them, and then soothe them, and help them step by step to walk through their days. Whether they wanted my help or not. Now I realize that every person needs to walk through their own journey and suffer the consequences of their own actions or inaction. Especially someone who constantly caused me worry and shame or guilt in myself because of their words or action/inaction or inabilities.
I have learned to let the chips fall where they may sometimes when there is nothing I can do to change the way people are. IF they tell you tales of diffictulty that befell them, do not take it personally as though it is your fault or your responsibility to have done something to prevent it. IF your wife or child come back and make this YOUR problem in some say, let us know. IF a word is said toward you that makes you feel responsible figure out why you feel responsible for a grown woman's actions. If no words are said but you still feel responsible.....you have something inside you that you need to work out.
I know you want the best for your daughter and don't want your daughter to be upset. Your daughter, it sounds, is going to get upset sometimes. I have a granddaughter who acts out in tantrums and insubordination and a bit of craziness. It happens and sometimes you or anyone else can't control it.
They will get through the day. If they have to get off the plane, they will get through the day somehow. It won't be your fault. If you are worried about the extra cost of their actions, make your wife responsible for the extra cost in some way. Let the lessons learned be THEIR lessons to learn or put up with. What is it that you fear? Start there. What is it you are afraid of in the scenerio of your daughter and wife getting on the plane? Their welfare because you love them? probably. But what else?....that you will be blamed in your own mind?......if so, that is your problem to work out with yourself.
What is it you are afraid of in the scenerio
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
One of the big things I am afraid of is the negative impact that my wife's potential anger could have on our daughter.
Back in June, we went to an amusement park and wanted to go on a funhouse-themed indoor coaster. I had forgotten that there was a antique mannequin at the entrance to the line. Our daughter saw it and screamed. My wife started getting very angry and yelling. I tried to defuse the situation by suggesting we ask if we could go in another way. My wife found out we could request a medical exemption bracelet. Great! But then she started shaming our daughter. "Do you want everyone to know that you are special needs?" More recently, my wife has been telling me that she believes our daughter is either lying or exaggerating her fears in order to get attention--hardly an attitude that will help.
The stress of a blowup at the airport could make the anxiety symptoms even worse, making my wife madder, adding more stress, and so on.
Lately, my wife has been less able to hide her anger in public. I have had to warn her about this, but I won't be at the airport.
In terms of blame, we recently spoke about how much she used to interrupt me while I was trying to work on my doctoral dissertation. I had said that I was wrong for not drawing boundaries and putting my foot down. She took offense at the idea of me putting my foot down and suggested, "You should have told me it was your job." So it was my fault that she kept interrupting me, preventing me from finishing my dissertation sooner, thus running deeper into debt and delaying having kids. Oh, but I DID repeatedly tell her that it was my job. I told her she was cheating her employeer by repeatedly calling me from work ("Oh, and one more thing" several times in a row), but we were cheating us in the sense that I was working for us. She still got paid for being on the phone, but being on the phone cost us because it made it take longer before I could finish school and get a real job. She was shooting herself in the foot. Again, I should have done a better job at setting boundaries (refusing to answer the phone whenever she called, refusing to run errands because she forgot something, etc.) And ideally I should have found a way to set these boundaries without getting angry or expressing anger. But I had made it clear that her behavior brought serious consequences to our relationship.