My H has a focus on garbage. He gets enraged every Saturday at me because he feels like I don't process the "throw aways" correctly. He literally sits on the floor of the kitchen with the 2 garbage bags and sorts, rips labels off glass containers, shreds, and categorizies every fine piece for over 30 minutes. He is always FUMING at me while he does this because I don't do this.
I have a choice. I can do it his way (which to me seems out of proportion of time spent for trash) or..
I can let it be and let him have the ownership of the garbage duty. As it is, every Saturday he steams and cusses and slams thing. He cannot talk about it. He is a hoarder. He tells me I must re-use Saran Wrap and when he takes it off a dish from the fridge, he folds it and puts it in a drawer.
Do I teach him that if he cusses at me that I will do things his way? Or do I keep my dignity and go about my own business of cleaning the rest of the house?
Do I spend my time categorizing the trash to keep the peace? Shall I take my own trash out clandistinely and bring my trash to the county dump myself...thereby taking the chore away from him? Do I just endure the slamming and hating?
I know there is no correct answer. I know that consistancy is the best policy since change upsets him. But the slamming and cussing upsets me.
There is no talking about this. He has been stonewalling me for months. I refuse to start a discussion about it because it always starts a fight. My muscles are sore from tensing up and stuffing everything and knowing things are not good.
Just sharing because I need to share this morning. I can't know if he is having personal problems in his head or if he is so furious with me. He won't talk.
I suggest not participating
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I suggest not participating in your husband's garbage and recycling routine. Go about your business in another part of the house.
My former mother-in-law (ex's mom) has Alzheimer's disease. Several years ago, she went through a stage when she would "explore" in the house. She would stick her hand into the garbage disposal to pull out bits of food and remove things from the garbage and recycling containers, including stuff like dirty tissues, soda cans, and tin can lids. Not much could be done with the garbage disposal, but something could have been done to reduce the risk to MIL from items in the garbage and recycling. But, according to my ex, his dad did not want to change his system, which consisted of having a bag for garbage on the floor under the kitchen table and a bag for recycling hanging from the back of one of the kitchen table chairs. His way or the highway! In this situation, the person with ADHD (my ex) was functioning positively; it was his father, who doesn't have ADHD but seems to have a personality disorder, who behaved in a challenging way.
How can you stand it???
Submitted by sickandtired on
Jenna, I really feel for you. My exBF would spend a lot of hours trying to repair broken things that were too far gone, and he would move huge rocks around for no apparent purpose. He loved to do the “demolition” part of a building project, but it was a project not likely to finish. The similarity with your spouse is this: they are spending a lot of time doing something they feel comfortable that they can’t screw it up. I can certainly understand how your nerves must fray if EVERY Saturday you anticipate being verbally abused. You would have to have your guard up, and stress level up constantly at this rate! That is certainly not good for your physical or emotional health. Can you just leave the house for the day each Saturday, saying you’re running errands or something? I would much rather spend the day in a museum or taking a long walk than standing there and enduring it. Big hugs to you.
Sticking hand in garbage disposal
Submitted by jennalemone on
PI, H sticks his hands in the garbage dispposal all the time looking for chunks that I might not have been processed all the way. He is angry at me if I use the disposal at all so I must do it while he is not around. I am supposed to put refuse in a old plastic pail under the sink. He digs through our garbage and takes things out and puts them in the garage, angry that I threw it away. Today, while looking for sand paper in the garage, I found clothing of mine that I had thrown away a few years ago. They were in a box with some oily dirty machine parts. Hmmmm...writing this all out is showing me something I don't want to accept. He may have dementia. He is so surely. I know he won't see a counselor and would rail at me if I mentioned anything to him and would just shout at me that I was the problem. I am going to have to test this theory of him having dementia and read up on it.
Clothes you discarded
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife, use to come home from work when we were first married...She would break open all the plastic bags in the large garbage cart to see what I threw away....It's the mind they live in....She is content when she is covered in clutter.....
Men also look for alternative ways to make old things useful.......I take all old (one's developing holes, that could put strings into our washing machine pump) wash clothes, towels, cotton tee shirts etc, and tear them up for shop rags.... This could easily be the answer to the old clothes of yours, he made into shop rags.....
How the garbage is being
Submitted by Libby on
How the garbage is being handled isn't the issue. His rage over it is the problem. If he happily sat on the floor singing as he worked you probably wouldn't be bothered by it at all. The emotional abuse takes a toll that's for sure. I suggest you just walk away. Protect yourself as best you can. I totally get what you are going through. It is hard.......
Having a frustrating day
Submitted by jennalemone on
Thanks PI, S&T and Libby, Seems like there are similarities here. What I did was: I started "processing" the garbage/recycle/trash paper. I found it only took me all of 2 minutes to do what he takes 30 minutes to do usually. He must sit and ponder and fume over each item that is in the wrong place. I brought the garbage to the county dump myself. It took me less than 15 minutes. He is usually gone for 2 hours when he goes to the dump.
Later I said, "Do you have a piece of sand paper?"
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to sand the 4 boards under the window outside." They are only 4'10". It would have taken me 30 minutes to do this, tops.
He did not answer me but scowled and brought out a huge, 100lb generator and 4 different sorts of electric sanders with all kinds of sand paper none that seem to be working. He has been working on this (my project) for over an hour now. He is so mad. I don't know what he is mad about. He just barks at me angry yes's and no's.
Next time I will go to the store and buy sand paper even though our garage is full of woodworking stuff.....It's just under so much junk that he can't find it.
I think he has OCD but only for trash and politics.
Ugh!
Submitted by jennalemone on
It is now 3 1/2 hours later and he is still fussing with that job that I would have had done in 30 minutes. He has now taken down the boards and the railings from the walls. And he is slamming and angry and won't talk. This will become a week's worth of work and may never get done because now it is all pulled apart.
I'm sorry you are subject to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry you are subject to this behavior and the accompanying anger.
Chores
Submitted by Yinyogi on
My husband does what yours did about the board sanding. If I am about to start a project and cannot finding the tools he is so emotionally fused to me that he thinks is he has to do it and is angry about doing it because he thinks he has to but doesn’t want to.
His tool area is a pigsty. He was laid off by fed government for 5 weeks last January and he used it to “clean up” is tool area. It ended up spreading across half the basement in plastic bins, onto the clothes dryer. 5 weeks and zero organization.
I hired painters to paint our ceilings in a couple rooms cause huge bunks of paint were peeling and neither of us had gotten around to do it. He did the walk through with the owner of painting biz and they somehow agreed that hubs would do the radiators. He had 2 months of advance notice and good weather but he did not detach those radiators until it was winter, painters were in the midst of job. Took him three weeks. At one point steam pouring out of pipe where radiation should be and steaming up newly painted room to the point water is dripping off the ceiling and leaving new spots. Also the heating system broke and he insists ina rage that the system would have broken anyway even if the radiators has been on. Well I am entitled to my opinions and the plumber wants to get paid so do you think he’s going to tell my husband he caused the heating break down? I do ‘t think so. If I had not been in a road trip I would have just paid the painters to do radiators for a couple hours and nipped that whole 2k disaster in the bud.
Hi Jenna....It's hard to respond to this post.....
Submitted by c ur self on
It makes me want to say things I shouldn't...LOL.....(Do I teach him that if he cusses at me that I will do things his way? Or do I keep my dignity and go about my own business of cleaning the rest of the house?)
A few points about this situation, (that you really already know) and your questions above.....The answer to your questions' above is NO & NO.....(IMO) You deserve to enjoy your Saturdays (everyday) without enduring his angry, and being pressured by him, that's abuse!....Never stay in the house with his abuse!...
What you are describing sounds like narcissistic behavior...A narcissist usually pressures or demands his family (people he thinks he can control) to comply with his thoughts about most things in life. (It's only one way to do things, their way!)....If he does the trash one way, it's the only way...If he eats rare steak, no one should ever eat anything but rare steak...And on and on...And they put on big emotional shows to stress their points...It's just a way to intimidate and manipulate....
He would never do me that way but once, but, I'm no lady...It's very hard to just decide to stand up for ourselves, after years of allowing ourselves to be run over...I've been a people pleaser most of my life...But, usually I could get away from dysfunctional family members who were narcissist or pressed to control or manipulate...Because my late wife and children were not a problem, they were kind and loving....
My Dad was one, and my wife has many of the same traits your husband has....So I had to set boundaries....I use to just put all trash in the garbage...We live in the county, and do not have recycle curb service...Have to drive to area's where there are large containers....My wife wanted us to recycle....Which in theory is a good idea....But, her reality makes it not such a good idea..LOL...Because she doesn't finish much of anything....And she is a hoarder...So being a hoarder makes them love trash to begin with....So here's the deal here....I agreed to some recycling, knowing, I would be the one to load up the containers when they got full....
I have broke my wife from a lot of her dysfunction....Especially when it comes to pressing, or attempting to control or manipulation etc,..I tried it with my own anger, my own frustratingly pointing it out....Arguments.....It only made it worse....And she will always mimic and justify her behaviors when I am angry...No matter how right I am in principle....
In my experience's, there is nothing you can say to him in those moments that will be helpful....He is blind, and convinced he right....He don't realize how intrusive and abusive he is being....He thinks because you don't comply, that you are the problem....Those kind of people are very difficult to wake up when it comes to others rights, and feelings, and to the damage their behaviors are inflicting....
You've got to break him...Not with anger, or arguments that ensue by attempting to point it out, you've told us many times how that ends....(Sadly many of us know :(....Your personal healing (and maybe relational healing) is in the answer to these questions....What are you willing to do, to stop being subjected to the kind of behaviors you have listed here, and that you are dealing with?...That's the first thing you have to decide....Am I willing to set boundaries, that may cause me some discomfort in my routine's, in order to force accountability and change in him?...(Show him you will not tolerate his presents, unless he is respectful, and kind, and never angrily presses you, to think or live his way).....
My first suggestion is to make a list of a anything that is disrespectful, intrusive, or abusive...The things that negatively impact you on a regular basis....Then make sure he understand what those things are.....
He may agree to go to a counselor with you and your list, without any pressure from you.....If not, then make you another list...Things that you can do when he starts being disrespectful in any way (walks, or other outside activities, shopping, movies, visiting friends or family, other trips etc...)...Never ever threaten him with your disappearance's....Master manipulators can smell out a game....So never speak of it at all....He probably want care in the beginning....And he may not care at all ever....But it's a very good way for you to leave him talking to himself, fixing his own meals etc....Just take yourself out his reach, if he isn't willing to be kind and respectful.....I promise you, he will get the message....But as long as he can count on you to hang around and endure his verbal bashes and disrespectful behaviors, he has life just likes he wants it....
We have to get out of our comfort zones in order to force change....
Bless u dear friend....
c
Eesh
Submitted by Sollertiae on
He is a hoarder.
And that there is the heart of it. The fuming, abuse, obsessive sorting, high levels of anxiety about letting go of things? Pretty much the main symptoms of hoarding, and I have to say, way beyond ADHD issues there. I've seen it with a friend of my partner who is absolutely bonkers about how to interact with his house and rubbish, which drive my partner mad because 50% is mad and the other 50% unhygienic ... and that is coming from the one who embraces the stack of paper like it is going out of fashion. The difference being my fool is only worried about how to get rid of things, not suffering from OCD over the items and them staying.
There is very little to do, as it has to come from him ... and that is unlikely with hoarding. If he is worse than usual, then he needs to sort out what particular event or thing is actually making him worse, especially if he is refusing to communicate. In the meantime, don't tolerate that sort of behaviour towards you. If he wishes to huff and swear and be an anxiety ball, he can do it on his own. Leave the house, do anything else.
Rube Goldberg at work
Submitted by adhd32 on
Two weeks ago I asked H to elevate the head of our bed due to my chronic acid reflux. Dr. suggested this to help keep acid down during the night. H launched into a tirade about buying wood and having to make two frames since we have a king sized bed with two box springs. What???? I said just put some bricks or blocks of wood under the legs at the head of the bed and be done with it. We did this when our kids were babies and had croup so it is not a novel idea. Why, oh why, is the only solution in his mind the most complicated, unreasonable one? BTW, the bed is still not elevated but he managed to spend the better part of yesterday sitting around playing on his phone. If I remind him, I get an attitude with drama and slamming as he works. If I don't and he becomes aware that he has forgotten, he will tell me I should have reminded him! So, either way I am wrong and it is my fault the bed is not elevated. But, if I wait and wait and finally do it myself or get someone else to help me, he screams "You just couldn't wait? I told you I would do it!"
That’s how I broke my leg
Submitted by sickandtired on
I kept waiting and waiting for x to move my tropical plants inside. I started asking, then nagging him to to it. He said he would. When the weatherman said it’s going to be a hard freeze tonight, I asked him one more time to please bring those plants inside. Another hour went by as the sun set and the temperature dropped. I told him I was going outside to do it. He said he would do it as soon as he fed the dogs. I fell and screamed for help just outside our kitchen window. I had to crawl with two broken bones to the wall and bang on the wall before he finally heard my cries for help. The neighbor heard me and turned her porch light on, but he didn’t. When he finally did come outside, he was angry that I fell. “Why didn’t you just ask me to do it!?!” He screamed all night in the ER how I had “ruined our lives”.
There is no talking to someone like this. If you want to be “heard” you have to find somebody else.
My XH stood over me and
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My XH stood over me and screamed at me, after I fell. I had a broken foot, and was in a non weight bearing cast. I was on crutches and miscalculated where I was placing the crutches. I ended up flat on my back on a cement patio, with a crack in my cast. Instead of rushing over to ask if I was OK and expressing concern, He screamed angrily: "What the HELL were you thinking?!?!"
Clearly, I had embarrassed him. Thankfully, our children were not there to hear or witness it. My in laws were, and said nothing.
My neighbor helped me, not him.
Submitted by sickandtired on
Wow do we have something in common! My ex did the same thing: stood over me and scolded me for trying to lift those big potted plants. He showed absolutely no empathy. I had to get him to bring me my phone to call a neighbor friend. My friend was the one who finally kneeled down to help me and comfort me. My ex didn’t think it was that bad. He tried to stand me up and my friend and I said “No!” He refused to call 911 and insisted he and my friend carry me down 48 outside steps to the car. They nearly fell twice while carrying me, so I’m very lucky I wasn’t injured any further. Also very lucky that my friend, in his 60’s, was fit enough to do the job. It was a bad break. A spiral fracture. I still have pain and a limp since it happened. November 22, 2013.
Injuries.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Freak injuries can happen...Reading your stories about the reactions you were subjected to doesn't surprise me..(I'm so sorry!, but not surprised) There isn't an ability for certain mind types (selfish or self absorbed) to feel empathy (on a normal level anyway) when it's going to (or they feel it will) have a negative impact of them..(Cost them work, time, or a loss of benefits) ...These same people may show near normal empathy for someone outside their circle of responsibility....And these same people are huge victim/cry babies, (high attention seekers) when they have an injury....I can't tell you how thankful I am, that it's been me tending her, instead of me having to depend on her to be able to show empathy and tend me....She finds it very hard to focus on something that isn't entertaining (self-pleasing) to her....
When it comes to injuries, there are certain mind types that have a much higher risk factor than others...When you have a spouse (anyone) who refuses to learn from their mistakes, then the likelihood of injury or death by accident goes way up....My wife has lived to thrill herself....In a calm moment she told me that she had rather be dead, then to live what she considered a boring life...She has a pin in her femur, and a steel plate in her ankle...Three knee surgeries (feel down concrete steeps at midnight, when she should have been home in bed, she also had a 4 wheeler wreak) and an artificial knee to prove it....She jumped out of a truck while it was still rolling, and got drug under it, it just missed running over her head....All of this happened before I met her (age 46) except the knee breaks and replacement....
High level adders who are thrill seekers are just very high risk for accidents....There actions or just like their words....Not thought through, or filtered.....I was quiet this way myself in my younger years...I have always been very athletic, good balance and agile....But what I'm the most thankful for is a mind that can learn from my mistakes....There are many things about our marriages (mine anyway) that can create stress in us....But number one for me has always been my refusal to accept her life style, (what she makes important, and the avoidance of responsibility in the home and relationship)...For the better part of 11 years I have stressfully pointed out the dysfunction and chaos of her life style (choices)....The past two years I have worked really hard to fully accept her, and hopefully show it....She has feelings, and she is aware (it's not something she likes admitting to me of course, her biggest competitor, LOL) that she is a mess much of the time, and difficult to live with....The more God gives me the ability to accept and respect her, (just focus on loving her, in the ways I can) the more at peace I am....And she responds....
I'm sorry it's took me this many years to stop trying to fix her....I have posted on this site (as I was learning and growing in these truths that must take place in me) many times about acceptance...And just what that meant....It doesn't mean I can have what I could have with someone who lives differently....It sure doesn't mean I approve of wrong or selfish choices, lack of ownership or irresponsibility....But it does mean that I can know how to live, and know what boundaries I must place on myself, and on the marriage relationship, in order for me to stop self inflicting pain on myself......We are doing so much better!....There is a little trepidation in me as I typed that...(It's like the old saying "Brag on the baby, and he poops in your lap) But!, because acceptance has changed me, and because she has also started changing ( showing accountability, and facing herself more) we are at level of peace in the home, we have never experienced.....I guess the best way to say it is....She just can't surprise me any more.. LOL.....Thank you Lord!
Yep, I'm not going to be upset if I have to call on my daughters or hire a nurse if I end up down for some reason....She may not be able to corral that busy mind for something some mundane, boring and time consuming as care giving...I will be like one of her church sisters said she is.....When they have their breakfast group (4 or 5 ladies) meetings....They love her, and love to see her, but, if she's a no show, there weren't counting on it....No one's disappointed (they have that understanding of her mind)....It's not idea for a marriage...But, when it's the reality we must accept....Then it's what you accept, in order to have your own quality of life....If not, we just end up in shambles, blaming someone we knew we couldn't count on....What's wrong with that picture??
c
My fiancee and i agree that
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
My fiancee and I agree that timing is everything. He often muses about what his life would have been like if he had met me sooner. He agrees that if we were had met when we were younger (20's-30's), he would have scared me off. He was a little too adventurous, engaging in risky behavior (Drug abuse, including an addiction that almost killed him, hitchhiking, working as a DJ in a strip club, and all that entailed, getting into fights.) Not to mention his ADHD behaviors were not managed, it was before CBT.
We met at just the right time.
Also, the older he gets, he physically cannot do all the things he used to, like cliff-diving into the ocean, rappelling down mountainsides, etc. he has herniated discs in his cervical spine, and would end up in the hospital if he tried any of his old "stunts".
At 54, I can't do that or keep up with that lifestyle. Heck, at 25 I wouldn't be able to keep up!
Hi adhd32....No win situations....
Submitted by c ur self on
Maybe a sheet of paper placed on the table, or counter by his (coffee pot)..Somewhere he can't help but see it.......Entitled...To Do list.....1) Raise Bed 4" at the head..2) see number 1.....Might help :)....Any thing to stop the stressful dysfunctional dialog (the drama) is always a good thing:)....
I find it 100 times better to quietly find a way to take care of 99% of my own needs....Instead of falling into the trap of thinking I want experience the emotional deluge of a victim w/ most any request....And then laugh and walk away form any opinion they express about my life....:)
I've always admired husbands and wives who can smile, and ignore (seem numb to it) their opinionated and high maintenance spouse....Thankfully I'm starting to grasp that ability more and more...Life has been a ruthless teacher!
Bless you!
c
Trash/ recycling
Submitted by Yinyogi on
Side topic but if he is freaking and boarding Saran Wrap there are now wraps made of cloth soaked in beeswax that are great to cover / wrap items in refrigerator or for lunches. You can find them in nicer kitchen stores and in the long run they save the environment and a ton of money. And they are supposed to be saved and reused many times.
Trash/ recycling
Submitted by Yinyogi on
Side topic but if he is freaking and boarding Saran Wrap there are now wraps made of cloth soaked in beeswax that are great to cover / wrap items in refrigerator or for lunches. You can find them in nicer kitchen stores and in the long run they save the environment and a ton of money. And they are supposed to be saved and reused many times.
Trash/ recycling
Submitted by Yinyogi on
Side topic but if he is freaking and boarding Saran Wrap there are now wraps made of cloth soaked in beeswax that are great to cover / wrap items in refrigerator or for lunches. You can find them in nicer kitchen stores and in the long run they save the environment and a ton of money. And they are supposed to be saved and reused many times.