Foggy recolections.

I was just wondering how many this happens to or what to do about it.  Say your SO asks you something and you answer it how you remember, or how you think you remember it because this is what your mind is telling you what happened. I feel I do this a lot but it gets perceived as me lying about it and I dont know what to say or do so I just go along with it and say Im lying about whatever it is. Its hurting my marriage, not the only thing but still a big part of it. I dont want to say that thats how I remember it but then Ill just be making an excuse and not taking responsibility for whatever it is. Im just so lost on this and it drives me crazy because I have no idea what to do in these situations. Like today I woke up later, spent time with DW, making some changes so I wanted to lay in bed with her and it was nice. i Felt good after getting up. The kids were up at this point so she said one needed changing. I did that and got a pull up for the older boy. We went into the living room so they could watch tv and give mom some time to rest. I changed the older one there. She then asked me some time later when im at work that it wouldve been nice to tell her that I didnt change him. I said that I changed both of them. In fact I know that i did. I distinctly remember doing so. It hurts that she doesnt believe me but I understand why.

This is common in my marriage....

We both can do it...She is (clinical level add) worse....She would say I am worse..:)....I do my best to keep our conversations more in the moment, just for this reason....It just ends up being a pissing contest which isn't healthy at all (don't have to tell you) for the relationship....

Recognition and Admission of our issues is key...Denial of our issues is the only killer....

When a man or women just humbly says..I could be wrong or I may not be remembering this exactly right....Makes all the difference!....When we get defensive and prideful that's when the damage gets done....No matter how right we think we are, there is no winners when we bite and devour one another about something from the past, that is a non issue as for as importance most always... 

Every human is messed up to some degree...All of us!...When we can state this as a fact about ourselves...It's Freeing...

Best wishes is working through this together...


BS...... Let it Go

The thing that caught my eye was when you said...."how I remember it."  I don't know about you, but sometimes I remember things distinctly and clearly, but many times I "kind of remember" events or worse....I am not really sure?  In fact...many times my wife will ask me a question and I'm not sure of the answer or I really don't know especially about "recalling an event" or if I did something or not?

If you not sure......say "I don't know?"

If you're not absolutely sure......say "I don't know but I might have but I can't guarantee if I did and I'm not 100% sure."

If you remember part of it....but not the rest......say only the part you are absolutely sure of and the rest....."I don't know?"

If you are absolutely sure, and you would stake your life on it.....say that.  "I am absolutely sure and I would bet my life on it."  ( but don;t do say that, unless you are THAT sure of it without question.)

You are not obligated in giving an answer you don't have?  If you can't remember....then say that.  If you can't remember but part of it....better safe than sorry and say you're really not sure?   But if you are absolutely sure to the point of death ( and you've be willing to put your life on the line....that's how sure you are and your absolutely remember without a shadow of a doubt ??? ) 

Those are the only times I would speak with so much authority and absolute certainty which means probably, the far greater number of other times you are just not that absolutely sure of anything like that?  If you are not that sure of anything...then you really don't know for sure?  And if that's the need to say it that way...or verify it ( go look for yourself if you can ) and check before you open your mouth?

The problem for other people is....they just want accurate information from you that you that they can count on?  Most people don't really care to know the details other than when you say "it is"....and then...."it isn't". That ends up screwing it up for  them of makes them look bad or make a mistake based on what you said if they are directly off your words?  That's really what they care about more than if you "lie".  So trying to fill in the blanks of what you can't remember so you won't look bad or like you don't know ( to save face or not look like you don't know something ).....or you're not accurate because you filled in the rest or the parts you can't remember so you don't have to didn't or don't remember?  That's what pisses people off because they are relying on you for accurate information and they aren't getting it from you?  It's Okay if you don't know or can't remember....they just need to know which, so they can proceed accordingly? way more important...than giving an answer "just because?" ie: in trying not to look ignorant, trying to prove you know things, that you weren't paying attention and you really just don't know or remember or you really have no idea or it's vague in your mind?  That to me sounds kind of like "how I remember it"...which is not really remembering...and more just filling in the blank ( spots ) but saying the parts you do.  Either you are sure...or you're not?  If your not 100% sure...but you say it like you are?  That's when people think you're lying because what you are saying ends up not being accurate or true?  Better to say  "I don't know"...unless you really do?  That's what causes people to accuse you of lying...when in fact, you just mis-spoke or said it in a way that lead them to believe you were absolutely sure just to save face in the moment?  If you find yourself saying  "I didn't mean it that way" or any other form of saying the same thing. That means, you said something other than how you yourself meant it to be which means anyone else hearing that...will think you are just lying or trying to cover up for something even if, that not the reason why? wife just blurted out...."I don't care about that Shit" means to really say "I'm not really interested in that".  The "SHIT" she was referring to...was extremely important and dear to me..and by saying it was "Shit" was saying that is all that it was worth?  This not only hurt my feelings, but it was quite offensive to take something important to me..and call it "shit".  And I got really upset at her for saying that and kind of told her what I thought about that?  She came a few minutes later and told me she really didn't mean that the things that were important to me were "shit"....only that she was not interested in it personally?

But that's not what she said (including the context of everything said before that statement ) and not how she said it and I took that the way she said it..instead of the way she meant it which at the time....I didn't know that?

Better for you to say...."I don't know"...than suffer the consequences when "the other person doesn't know"....from the things that you say and how you say them?  Know what I mean? Unless you are absolutely positively sure...without a shadow of a doubt?  That I have found, is the best way to stay out of trouble myself.


Thank you

I like the points you make. Im going to use these. Thank you!

similar problems

I find that when I say I am not sure, or I am pretty sure I remember X, it elicits an angry response.  She is certain I am trying to soften the admission of forgetfulness or having done wrong, when I am only being honest.  The only time I get a respectful response is if I am what I would consider boisterously overconfident in my answer.  Then she doubts herself, but anything less than that is seen as weakness, and opportunity to pounce.