My husband (the partner with ADD) has a terrible problem remembering things, but primarily anything that has to deal with me or the kids. Whether important, like a neurologist appt for our son, or not so important. For Christmas, my husband actually forgot all about my present. He actually ordered it himself, the coffee pot I showed him online. I guess I should be happy that he actually ordered it himself, usually I order my presents on my own. When it came he wouldn't let me see it, even though I knew what it was. I thought, wow, I might actually get a wrapped present this year. No such luck. The box has been in the basement for a week (out of sight out of mind for him). Christmas morning, it's still in the basement in the same shipping box. He never even brought it upstairs. When the kids were done with their presents, I went downstairs and got it out of the shipping box and brought it up myself. He never even apologized. But that doesn't matter-how can you make up for forgetting your spouses' present? To make it worse, my daughter saw the coffee pot and asked about it, I can't remember her exact words but she knew he forgot and didn't even wrap it for me. Then she says, that is really mean. I didn't know what to say to her about that. Yes, it is mean. He gets mad if I try to tell him that his forgetting makes me feel like he doesn't care. He thinks he cares so there is no problem. My sister died in July, somewhat unexpectedly. He has not once asked my how I am doing, not even after her funeral. Not during Thanksgiving or Christmas, my first holidays without her. Not once. It's like for him it never happened. I'm just so fed up and very hurt. What do you do when your spouse doesn't think anything is wrong and doesn't believe you when you try to talk about what bothers you?
Forgetfulness is so hurtful
Submitted by MFrances on 12/25/2013.
Ouch
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
That stinks. It's all the let downs that hurt so much after a while...you got built up being so happy he ordered it himself and anticipated him wrapping it...and were disappointed yet again. I once told my BF (ex?? he isn't speaking to me) that I was hurt by how he handled my birthday (which was 9 months prior to the conversation). After listening to my story, he said, "Wow, if I did that, then I'm a jerk". I don't believe he's a jerk, but he is unaware of what he does or doesn't do. So after he admitted his behavior sounded bad (even though I know it wasn't his intent), I figured that my next birthday 3 months later would be different. But it really wasn't.
I am in a stage where I am really hurting for him right now and what he must be dealing with. I do know that many with ADHD deal with a great bit of shame. They can often be aware they are "messing up" or "disappointing" people again and again, but they don't always know how to deal with it and change it. And so the cycle continues. Or they (like my BF) put up walls until they're all protected in their denial and armor. It's sad and I sure do wish I knew how to help or what to do. I seem to have lost my relationship without a word and I sure as hell wish I knew more about ADHD a long time ago and maybe could have been able to deal with things differently.
I totally get the desire to just be acknowledged. To just have them realize how their behavior made someone else feel even if everyone knows their intentions were good. For me that acknowledgement could have gone a long way. But it almost never came.
I think that's the worse
Submitted by MFrances on
I think that's the worse part, he just doesn't see how his behavior affects others. I try to be understanding about how hard it must be for him to deal with his ADD but it's hard to imagine. Plus he never talks about the shame or negative feelings he has. Maybe it would have helped if he acknowledged that he was a jerk and forgot, even though he would just forget again. I've read a few books on AD/HD and they were helpful for me just to understand. My husband won't read them. Plus the books talk about strategies to deal with these issues, like forgetting or being distracted during dinner and how to fix that because it bothers others. That is the first problem-my husband doesn't see that anything bothers others so he won't work on any strategies. He's the type that feels a pill should be able to fix this and doesn't follow through with his therapy. He just won't do the work that is needed to work on his behavior, he only wants to take medication. He's also the type that everything is someone else's fault, never his own. And if he can't blame it on someone else than he says he was just kidding, if I don't find it funny that I need to "lighten up" because he was just joking.
The mysterious syndrome of the pot calling the kettle black
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello Pickles01,
I fully understand your frustration. My ADHD spouse 'forgot' to come home on Christmas Eve to go to church with me. The service was at 5. He came home after 6. Certainly NOT OK with me. A bit tougher than usual, as we have had a few vehicle problems this past week, and I did not have my own car to drive myself.
In line with what I am working on in myself:
1. I did not mother him by reprimanding him.
2. I did not allow his behavior to ruin my Christmas Eve.
3. I focused on my own behavior.
I did make a statement when he came home, that I had expected him home earlier to go to Christmas Eve church service with him. He simply said, "I'm sorry." To him, that was all that was necessary.
This is the sort of behavior that is driving me closer and closer to realizing that he will not choose to change anything. I got only a bit into clarifying my hurt - and he right away started with the defensive mechanism: "I didn't get to do anything I wanted to do." "I went Christmas shopping with you the other day."
Smoke. Mirrors. Avoid. Deny. Attempt to turn it around and make it my fault. A heartfelt apology would be nice. Not an angry, "I SAID I was sorry."
It is very odd to me that he is hyper-sensitive to any behaviors or words he feel are directed at him. He gets angry, irate, and mean. He takes comments out of context. Anyone who does not agree with him, is WRONG and trying to bully him.
The very best piece of mind I can attain comes from wisdom I had learned at my Alanon meetings - "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it."
That's very helpful, thank
Submitted by MFrances on
That's very helpful, thank you. My husband is the same, it's always someone else's fault and he never gives a heartfelt apology. This is what I what to know-how can we work on our marriage if he doesn't see anything wrong and won't work on changing anything. I know that I have contributed to our problems too with my actions/hurtful words, etc. and I'm willing to admit that and change. But he is not, he won't admit that any of his behaviors are damaging to me and/or the kids. All the books are based on both partners being willing to admit the problems and work on changing. When one spouse is not, how can the relationship be saved? I feel very hopeless. I know I can change my response but it doesn't change the fact that I am married to a man with a terrible temper and is a terrible father.
I have tried various things
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I can tell you my own experiences - we have tried many marriage counselors, self-help programs, and even did Melissa's ADHD & Marriage seminar in January of 2012. My story in a nut shell - I grew up in an alcoholic home, and developed eating disorders. My husband came galloping into my life in my early 20s and rescued me. Any marriage problems, I voluntarily took responsibility - 100% of the time - for I was the one one who grew up in an alcoholic home and I was the one who had eating disorders - so I was the nut case. LOL, that worked really well for my spouse. I backed down to his every demand, and always gave in to his anger - he always got his way because I didn't want him angry at me. At least until I realized I had been a lifetime role model for my 2 children of how to be controlled by someone's anger- so 3 years ago I literally yanked the rug out from under my spouse by insisting he start taking responsibility for his own actions, and also telling him I would no longer allow him to control me and my choices with his anger. I am saddened each day that passes as I realize my my spouse is not addressing how his ADHD behavior cause havoc in our home. I had to realize WE cannot work on our marriage when it is I wants to and he does not. It just does not work.
I have set a deadline to being patient in waiting for him to address his issues. January 28, 2014 will be the 3rd anniversary of the day I told him in writing that I would no longer allow him to control my choices and actions with his anger. He has been mad at me ever since. 3 Years is a long time. A very, very long time. I deserve better, and am really disappointed he did not choose me.
I understand your feeling of hopelessness. What I can offer you is comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your
Submitted by MFrances on
Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are very brave to give a deadline. Maybe he'll come around at the last minute. That's what my husband would do. May I ask how old are your kids? I just wonder how this all affects the kids.
Thanks.
Round and round the mountain
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
My husband always gives it a big gusto of an attempt at each crisis point. But it only lasts one, or maybe 2 weeks. It is the same ol' cycle, which I have come to despise. He panics. He want to do better. He does not want our marriage to fail. He is great with a crisis. At the calming down, he just goes right back to his old behavior. He has lately found a big excuse "You will never acknowledge anything I do different. You expect too much."
If I just live 100% random on his timeline - why, yes everything is just fine. That got old. That was cheating myself. We have never had a routine at our house - as he cannot do routines. He needs to do what he wants, when he wants. If I act as though he is not there, if I don't have any sort of expectations or demands on him or his time, every thing here is bland, and unemotional. Never talk about anything. Never discuss problems. Never expect a compromise on anything. Never work out a disagreement. What a horrible place my marriage has developed into.
My children are 24 and 21. My daughter just got married this past August.
My daughter had a very hard time when I changed what I was doing. Her opinion was, "Mom, if YOU just wouldn't say anything, everything would be all-right." That is what I had modeled for the,. Walk on egg shells. Make sure Dad is happy.
My son was diagnosed in 4th grade. I have watch him grow up with himself accepting the knowledge of how his ADHD brain works - - -so I do know what is possible. He is a great encourager to his Dad - but he is losing hope too. He became a partner in his Dad's plumbing business this past year. He is getting a real big dose of the difficulties I have lived with for 29 years - and unjustly covered up from them.
Probably my largest pet peeve with this situation - I continually make sure my children stay out my marriage difficulties. My spouse however, likes to try to pull them in middle. I tell my spouse his relationship with our children is his. I know he loves them, and vice versa. But , alas my plea to leave them out of the marriage struggle, falls on deaf ears. He wants to let me know, THEY are on HIS side. Sigh.
memory
Submitted by lynninny on
Pickles, I am sorry. I know this hurts. Take this with a grain of salt, because my divorce will be finalized within weeks after years of marriage to a non-treated ADHD husband. Mine often forgot, too--missed things, never got me presents or celebrated special occasions. Often did not focus on, ask about, or address my feelings and needs, not even in the worst periods of my life. I was hurt and sad and angry for years.
I definitely believe counseling and therapy can help couples communicate. I definitely believe your spouse could change some habits and behavior. What I really believe, though, in hindsight, is that: if you want to be happy with him, you have to stop expecting him to be someone he isn't. He really isn't mean, right? He didn't forget the present to be cruel to you on purpose. He literally just forgot, or wrapping it and finishing the job was overwhelming to him and he couldn't do it.
I think your husband hears you say that you think it means he doesn't care. Of course you feel this way. But, his bewildered or defensive response is, "Of course I care." Because he does. He cares about you and your feelings. The issue isn't that he doesn't care. His brain is neuro chemically off, and very different than yours. He literally may not be able to remember or follow through or keep in mind that you need the wrapped present under the tree because in your language, and most of ours, this is what caring husbands do. (It doesn't help that every commercial and romantic comedy made in the past 20 years reinforces this, lol--I can't even watch stupid commercials during December without feeling a little cynical and left out).
And you of course should be able to talk to him, and tell him how you feel. He should learn to hear it and respond in a way that works for both of you. That's what therapy and/or medication may do. But he is not that rom-com guy, and he is probably never going to remember the present. Or if he does this year, he may not next year. He has a deficit of attention--his attention is wacky and hard for him to control or manage. Imagine he had a head injury and lost part of his focus and memory. I am not trying to make excuses for him or let him off the hook. I am pointing out how serious ADHD can be and the effect it can have on people's behavior. And that is who you are married to. And by now, he is probably so shamed by disappointing people and marred by criticism that he instantly gets defensive. It may also be that he really doesn't get what the big deal is--in his world, growing up, were Christmas, presents, and romantic gestures a big deal?
Please excuse me if I am out of line. Just trying to help. I know how you feel. My best to you.
Thank you. It's always good
Submitted by MFrances on
Thank you. It's always good to try to see how my husband is feeling. I just started reading the ADHD effect on Marriage book and it has opened my eyes some. At this point in our marriage I'm honestly not sure if he is just forgetting b/c of how his brain is wired or if he really is being mean. He never used to forget presents like this. Plus it sends such a bad message to my daughter and son, my daughter especially. They are 11 and 5 and already know they can't rely on Daddy to follow through with anything. He has never been an especially romantic, communicative person but he never forgot things like he does. He forgets everything, and I mean everything, that has to do with me or the kids. He can remember his stuff, appointments, work, whatever.
I know he probably does feel shame and he is depressed (on meds for that too) and I think he does feel sad that he lets us down but then why can't he call his therapist and work on it? He thinks if he says he cares that is enough. I just read that in the book, actions do speak louder. After all these years, I need actions. We have learned his words mean nothing.
It's very sad, but I have not given up all hope yet. I'm going to pursue counseling for myself and keep reading about AD/HD.
I wish you the best. Thanks.
hang in there
Submitted by lynninny on
Pickles, do hang in there. You sound like a really thoughtful and caring person who only wants a happy family life. Adjusting expectations can make you feel better, but you are right--your husband has a significant responsibility to you and your children and it sounds like he has a lot of work to do and that you have been waiting for him to do so for a long time. I read your post again and caught the part about the terrible temper. Wow, ADHD with anger issues--been there. The temper was bad enough with my ex that it was the main reason I left. I think when you experience the myriad hurts you have described and then combine it with someone who is often angry or verbally abusive, well, it is pretty tough to be happy with someone like that, no matter how you explain the behavior.
I used to think that my ex used all of his energy remembering things at work and with other people because he had to or he would be fired, lol. And didn't do the same with family because he felt a little off the hook with us -- no formal consequence like there would be for forgetting a meeting at work. But it did hurt--how could he pull together a terrific presentation but not help at all with the kids' homework or making dinner? Not see that these things needed to be done? Looking back on it, I think my ex was so limited in what he could deal with or do (I think depression most definitely played a part), that his job was about it. He would sleep until way into the afternoon on the weekends and could barely get anything done outside of his job. I also think mine did start being passive aggressive and not doing things for me on purpose after a while. Or would say, "I was GOING to make this present for you," or "I was PLANNING to do this to the house and the yard..." but it wouldn't happen in reality. To him, the intention of making some amazing gift for me was just as good as actually doing it.
It makes total sense to me that if someone has a condition or problem that he would seek medical help for it, right? Still waiting on my ex, who has pretty much hit rock bottom, to do so. I think this brain chemistry stuff is pretty delicate and dealing with many of these issues is a long haul, full of lots of micro adjustments and possibly trying a variety of meds and therapy. Our medical system is not geared for such things, unfortunately.
I hope that your situation improves and that in the meantime, you take good care of yourself. I am thinking of you and my best to you.