What does that word mean to me? In theory it works like this, I did something really bad that adversely affected someone else. We come to a point where they tell me they are no longer going to focus on that thing I did. Doesn't mean they forget or that it doesn't still hurt, just means they won't focus on it.
My life: my husband and I have been married/together for close to ten years. We have a four year old. He works and so do I. I am going taking classes to make a better life for my family. I don't want my husband to work anymore. I don't want him tired day in and day out.
I'm the cook, the housekeeper, the accountant, the doctor, the counsellor, the beast friend and the lover. My husband isn't. In my walk in forgiveness I don't make him feel bad for not being all the stuff I already was before I met him or who I had to become in order to save my marriage.
There are days when I fail miserably and spill my toxic goo all over him and give him all the stuff I still battle with. I leave him wrecked. It still happens and I'd be lying if I said it didn't. But I also don't want to make him feel bad for my failure to do what I set out to do, which is save my marriage and put his feelings first.
When I say I look at all the things that I did leading up to our fight, that's what I do. So next time I react differently. It sucks for me sometimes. I really did need him to know my struggle and needed his help. But ultimately I hurt my best friend and I still didn't win. What I did do was undo all the work I had put in so now I had to start over. My husband saw that person who I used to be, so for a little while he just might turn back into the person he used to be.
My hypocrisy: I'm a very efficient person when I want to be. I get things done. When my husband is preoccupied and not in my way I can focus and the kid, class, etc. He does just that! And the one time the pressure gets to me I get to attack him? Again, my hypocrisy astounds me.
Saving my marriage: Do better next time. End of story.
Edit: I want to make it clear to anyone reading this; I am NOT a doormat. There IS a line. I never want to imply that I just let my husbands behavior run all over me and I take it like a chump.
Example: I'm doing whatever it is to get stuff done. He is off doing whatever he is doing. Something goes wrong and the world has to stop to fix it. I do just that. He doesn't get to yell at me about how I get that done without offering me a better way of doing it. In this particular case he is fully aware that I am doing something to help him. He's not crazy so he has no choice but to see my logic. You're lack of preparation isn't MY emergency. Of he chooses to go full rage I don't have to help anymore. I don't yell or change how I was I just don't move further into it in this particular case.