I have turned a corner in my focus. I am trying hard to stop my habit of 'being the victim". I am letting go of many thoughts and actions that had me tied to a life of negativity with H. The "letting go" carries with it some grief and sadness because it was a way that I could feel "connected" to my husband. Being part of a loving union with someone holding hands through life. He was rude, unconcerned, disconnected to me for over 40 years and I was trying to make it be something other than it was, I was trying to make HIM be something other than he was. Letting it go is difficult because I thought I had so much invested in our marriage and family. What I had invested and let go of was my self. In letting go of wanting something I can't have with H, I am enabling my self to live a life. Right now it seems that my life is worthless and dreary. But I will work on finding paths and people and situations where I might let my light shine again. Who am I without H? Something better, maybe. While I am blaming H, being negative, sitting in self pity, I am not much other than a person sitting in victimhood. I MUST CHANGE.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you. When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too. When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.
Outside my comfort zone
Submitted by jennalemone on
Being responsible for my own life, my own feelings, my own decisions seems to me to be a big effort. Not being "part of" a group, or a team or a couple, or a family, I feel selfish and alone.....but this is exactly what I must do at this point in my life. I need to let everything else go for a while and just BE ME....if there is someone inside myself to be anymore. It feels selfish and lonely, but it is a path I am going to put myself on because THIS marriage life has not been working for me. I am going to create a life for myself...starting in small steps.
A victim asks how long it will take to feel good — a survivor decides to feel good even if things are not so great.
A victim grinds to a halt — a survivor keeps putting one foot in front of the other.
A victim wallows in self-pity — a survivor comforts others.
A victim is jealous of someone else’s success — a survivor is inspired by it.
A victim focuses on the pain of loss — a survivor cherishes remembered joy.
A victim seeks retribution — a survivor seeks redemption.
And most of all, a victim argues with life — a survivor embraces it.
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger, Maxine Schnall
once again, jenna you..
Submitted by Zapp10 on
have inspired me. This too is a "time" for me to remember who I am...and embrace it. Your post of a victim/ survivor is very pointed.....and encouraging because I am relieved to identify with the survivor side....than the "victim" ( not that there haven't been moments).
My H is wrestling with A LOT these days. And I am sure.....that he will make small steps.....because that is his comfort zone. He has had that "zone" his lifetime( very reluctant small steps to better ways/things). His zone is anxiety at not KNOWING his emotions or anyone else's. He will stay there.....as I SEE how incredibly UNCOMFORTABLE he is when asked to step into emotions of joy, warmth.......love. He believes the reason for his difficulty.......and that is enough. Having to work on undoing the harm.....not so much(kind a like dealing with the adhd).
The stress of ALL this is taking its toll on me. I cannot function including him in my daily life.......how very sad......but true. I refuse to blame him.....and I refuse......to be blamed.
Thank you......Jenna
In the Moment Jenna
Submitted by kellyj on
I was reading what you said here and it rings true. If I had a goal for myself....this is how it would read?
A victim asks how long it will take to feel good — a survivor decides to feel good even if things are not so great,...........................in the moment.
A victim grinds to a halt — a survivor keeps putting one foot in front of the other.,...........................in the moment
A victim wallows in self-pity — a survivor comforts others.,...........................in the moment
A victim is jealous of someone else’s success — a survivor is inspired by it,...........................in the moment.
A victim focuses on the pain of loss — a survivor cherishes remembered joy. ,...........................in the moment
A victim seeks retribution — a survivor seeks redemption,...........................in the moment.
And most of all, a victim argues with life — a survivor embraces it,...........................in the moment.
What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger,...........................in the moment
Maxine Schnall
What they say....a man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do? ( women too by the way ha! )
What can be learned from someone with ADHD? This is the flip side to what my T was mentioning about being inconsistently consistent. There is a positive side as well and if the negative side is managed...then this is a great quality to have? ( by the way....this is like explaining what hyper focus is by the way? The key...is to be aware of it and not let it get the best of you? The Now.....Not Now...phenomenon I do believe stated clearly right here?
In The Moment
totally, completely, 100% immersed in the situation at hand (usually a party or social event) with no care, worry or thought of anything else in your life/the lives of others. The doctor’s appointment you have at 9 the following morning or the car inspection that needs to be taken care of ASAP? An “in the moment” individual couldn’t give 2 shits, as long as there is a moment to be in.
You are characterized as “in the moment” if wherever you are, whatever you are doing, your mind and body are right there as well. No dwelling on the past, the future, or any obligations or troubles you may be encountering in your life. If you are in the moment, you are right here, right now, nowhere else.
This is contrasted with being “out of the moment,” which is defined as being so preoccupied with other things going on in your life or the lives of others that you don’t take time to sit back and enjoy the current moment or try to make the current moment enjoyable.
If you go to a party and one of your friends is sitting around, daydreaming, texting a girl he just broke up with and not drinking at all, complaining about how mad his parents are going to be when he returns home the following morning, he is characterized as being “out of the moment.” If the same friend is playing drinking games, bonging beers, singing songs and having a great time without a care in the world in regards to his girl problems or early sales shift at the shoe store in the morning, or the reactions of his parents upon his return, then he is totally and completely “in the moment.”
J
My work for the week: stop being a victim...build inner strength
Submitted by jennalemone on
“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”
Richard Bach
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
John W. Gardner
Need for people
Submitted by jennalemone on
I have learned that some people just want more togetherness than others. H needs NO togetherness (as though togetherness with a woman is weakness?) and I am realizing that his constant denials, distractions, arguments, explosions, ignoring me are coming from his just wanting to be by himself. As though, being with me (or others too) is work. Whether that is my fault or his, doesn't matter. I have NEEDED/WANTED all these years to be WITH him, with people, in the company of others. "Holding hands into the sunset".
My sister did not need her husband, she said quite often. She has groups of friends that she preferred to spend time with and did. It frustrated her husband but he had to take it or leave it.
This is my situation with H. I can do no other thing but to take the little he can give or leave it. It's not judgement. It's fact. But that does not mean that my need for companionship/company/contact disappears. I must find it elsewhere. Living life in solitude and isolation, for me, is not healthy.
Letting Go
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I was/am terrified of letting go. It is some kind of strange investment you lose that you have gone through all that suffering and come out the other side with: what? I was terrified to find out what would be left if I let go. It is a connection I was seeking with my husband, fighting for it in fact. But eventually that fight became it's own barrier to connection. We will see what is left in the void of that effort. I don't expect miracles, but maybe there will be enough. I am working through similar issues. Thank you for your thoughts. I can only hope you find something wonderful for yourself. Find/create. My husband sees a lot better now that he isn't constantly on the defensive. And responds better. Maybe it isn't fair, but that is a story I let go of in 2016.
Have a good week.
I love this thread....
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Jenna - I love this post. I am so happy for you that you have turned this corner. I know it seems dark - but you are on your way to something so much better than what you have been in. This turn, this letting go, this refusing to be a victim happened to me last spring (you know the story - I posted a million times :-)). And even though I have had many dark moments, I am in an INCREDIBLE place mentally. Things are coming to an end, he will be leaving soon - and I dont find myself in horrible sorrow anymore. In letting go - like you have talked about - I have found my own worth again, remembered my dreams and I have realized that I want things that he refuses to give (we are talking basics - easy stuff here LOL). I am excited about my life. I know that I have many good things in store for me. And while it certainly isnt the direction I thought I would be going in, the view is pretty wonderful on my new path. My husband will do what ever - and soon enough it will have no impact, no influence, no effect on me. I am sure when he leaves I will be sad for a while, but it will pass. Because I know I will end this with no regrets. I have given as much as I could - I have done everything I could to save our marriage, to lift him up, to stand by him. he doesnt want it - and I am ok with that now. He has such a limited sad view of life.... I dont want that life. I want better, I want more. He could have joined me - but he cant see what his own potential is and honestly - I am of the mindset he is just making excuses now to avoid dealing with his reality. I love him dearly, but I will no longer let him hurt me.
You will get through this. We all will get through this.
I am looking forward to a life of adventure, or romance, of joy. I will lay in my deathbed thinking - wow... No regrets!
I have cried through this thread
Submitted by Brindle on
You nailed it. Each of you nailed it. The hurt is the only connection I have left emotionally. If I lay it down, I have *nothing* left.
I realized in this past week - when he’s not around, I don’t think of him at all. I don’t wonder what he’s doing or how he’s feeling. All of my thoughts when he isn’t around is about the pain. That’s it. It’s all I have left of an emotional connection.
So what now? Do I just accept that I have grief to process?
And if I leave this connection behind, can I ever find a connection again, if he puts in the effort and shows he cares?