Four months away from Wedding...

...and I think my ADHD fiance has blown a gasket.

We have been at each other's throats the last few days. Has blew up the other day about bridesmaids dresses and bad mouthed my mom and sister (saying they ruined the wedding) even though she's the one who doesn't have the patience to listen and have a conversation about things. Instead she hear's the first sentence someone says and tunes them out. She has gone to say they she "doesn't care about the wedding and everyone else can do whatever they want." She gets mad at her mother, at me and everyone else. She goes through fits of crying and yelling so harsh that I do not know what to do. I tried to stay calm (and I am usually successful at it) but I blew my top this past weekend. I couldn't help it. Of course, I was blamed because I am the non-ADHD who overreacted and that's not what I should do. But what the heck? She was yelling so harsh I couldn't be the punching bag anymore.

Every morning I wake up an extra 45 minutes early to make sure that she has lunch, coffee and her things for work - oh and to make sure she gets up for work. Any day that she is off and I have to go in it's always "call out of work" or "how come you never plan a day off." And then she sleeps all day because she has nothing to do or no motivation (her words). I will come home and she makes me feel like crap since she didn't do anything all day.

I'm sorry -- back to the wedding. Now I know that planning a wedding can be very stressful and there is a lot of back and forth between all parties. So there might be some disagreements or compromises. But what I don' t need is my future wife to block everyone out and hold on to grudges.

I don't know. I guess I am just venting here. It's just frustrating and I am really doubting my future marriage. It seems like it's only going to end in disaster.

Most of the time it holds

Most of the time it holds true that things only get worse after you get married. I don't want to advise you to not get married, but I think you would be very wise to keep your eyes open and see things for what they really are. It sounds like you guys need some counseling before you continue with wedding plans. Just be honest with yourself...only you know the truth about what your gut tells you.

Why?

I would ask you to step back and look at all the red flags that are going up in regards to your fiance's behavior. Why would you want to commit to a lifetime of this abuse, irresponsibility, and just plain nastiness?  Don't tell me it's because you love her....that will not get you thru the next umpteen years of turmoil. We can love someone and choose to not subject ourselves to their abuse in the name of "love".  You can still love someone and not be with them. There will be someone else that you can love and will love you without all this garbage. Having spent the past 31 yrs with an ADHD spouse and been put thru the mill with all the various forms of abuse that come through their selfish and self-absorbed behaviors, I would advise you to run as fast and far away as you possibly can from this women.  It is not too late! What you have described is not a basis for a loving, caring marriage.  If, after some time and a great deal of introspection and work on her part, you decide to give it a try.....make sure that she has really taken responsibility for her own behavior and has checks and balances in place to act like a loving, caring partner. Even after all is said and done, I still think you should run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.  Count yourself lucky to escape intact and without the damage that so many of us incur in relationships like this. You are being given the opportunity to escape a sinking ship...TAKE IT!

Why?

I would ask you to step back and look at all the red flags that are going up in regards to your fiance's behavior. Why would you want to commit to a lifetime of this abuse, irresponsibility, and just plain nastiness? Don't tell me it's because you love her....that will not get you thru the next umpteen years of turmoil. We can love someone and choose to not subject ourselves to their abuse in the name of "love". You can still love someone and not be with them. There will be someone else that you can love and will love you without all this garbage. Having spent the past 31 yrs with an ADHD spouse and been put thru the mill with all the various forms of abuse that come through their selfish and self-absorbed behaviors, I would advise you to run as fast and far away as you possibly can from this women. It is not too late! What you have described is not a basis for a loving, caring marriage. If, after some time and a great deal of introspection and work on her part, you decide to give it a try.....make sure that she has really taken responsibility for her own behavior and has checks and balances in place to act like a loving, caring partner. Even after all is said and done, I still think you should run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Count yourself lucky to escape intact and without the damage that so many of us incur in relationships like this. You are being given the opportunity to escape a sinking ship...TAKE IT!

Chels555

You are looking at your future. It DOES only get worse. You've already taken the 'parent' role, getting up early to make sure she gets up and is ready on time. If you ever have children, YOU will be a single parent, and SHE will be the 'difficult' child. You have the chance to decide if that's what you really want.

I'm sorry to say but this is

I'm sorry to say but this is how its going to be and it'll probably only get worse once your married and if you bring kids into the mix. Unless you just con to grips with the fact you'll probably be more of a parent and your fiance more of a child, then I would think long and hard about moving forward. I wish I had to the sense.

ebb and flow's picture

I was under the impression

I was under the impression this is how it is when the ADHD is untreated; but if treated these behaviours can/will get better... Am I wrong?

If your future wife wants to change her behaviours, I believe it's possible... Or so I've been told.

I'd say we all stay for similar reasons: Because we love the ADDer and because we have some hope that one day they will change their negative behaviours.

I wouldn't say run because all people are deserving of love... I would say, though, it sounds like you are *officially* committing yourself to A LOT of hard work and A LOT of change and understanding on your end!

I wish you the best! 

From my experience and what

From my experience and what I've read of other's experiences, most people with ADHD have difficulty with executive function. So even if they KNOW there is a problem and KNOW what they have to do to fix it, getting them to actually do everything needed on a consistent basis becomes the whole part of the parent/child role. Constant reminding, hoop jumping to accommodate their weaknesses, cleaning up the hiccups or compensating for the hiccups, and having to the be rock that keeps the whole house house of cards from tumbling down. . I would just say to the OP that its exhausting and be prepared for it.
 

It does seem difficult to get

It does seem difficult to get them to see the importance of treatment and changing their behaviors, but just like with the rest of us humans, when we aren't sufficiently motivated enough to change something that is difficult to change, we just don't. It takes different ways of relating (crying, begging, pleading, nagging, fussing, cussing don't work) and it took me being 100% ready to face divorce AND changing MY attitude before my husband finally got it.

It is not impossible for them to change, my husband is proof. Never in a million years did I think he would acknowledge the pain he's caused...NEVER. Never in a million years did I think he'd change the behaviors that we wasted so many years fighting over...time and time again. But he did.

Wow, Ki

That is the best, most concise description I've ever read of being with an ADDer.