friendship, unrequited love... basically a BIG mess.

Here's the story of my "relationship" with someone with ADHD.... I think, this might be something new for you all...

I'm a gay guy. One day at work, a normal day, just like any other day - a new guy started. Instantly, I was attracted to him... but I knew it couldn't go anywhere - he was straight with a girlfriend, and WAY too hot for someone like me. Usually when I'd like a guy, I'd see something in his personality that would put me off - but this guy was a charmer. He was funny, and sweet, and cute - and just, perfect. Months later, after having started to avoid the guy, we started becoming friends... BUT, it was quite intense. He seemed extremely interested in me - he would text me nice things - he would invite me to hang out and smoke weed with him, week after week. We'd stay up all night. It was wonderful - and of course, I was falling in love with this guy... then one day - the attention just seemed to stop - he no longer seemed interested in me - he seemed distant...

To cut a very very very long story short - a year and a half later, our friendship has been up and down - and quite mad.

He was soo inconsistent, which meant, every time he'd show interest again, I'd assume he was trying to use me for something... And I'd make a point of this - and it would upset him - and he'd never understand why I would think he was just using me. He would try and assure me that he cared, and I'd constantly seek reassurance that I meant something to him - but his actions of being distant one moment and intensely interested the next proved otherwise.... Or did it?

Y'see, early on in our friendship, having spent the night at his, I looked through one of his books of poetry and writing - and, to this day I'm not 100% sure, but I read something on the lines of him talking about "being diagnosed with ADHD". To this day, a year later, I'm still not sure what it was that I read - in my head I even doubt it, thinking maybe I misread something, trying to use it as a reason to explain his behaviour towards me.

I guess what I need is advice.... does it sound like this guy has ADHD?

Because since reading, whatever it was I read, I started to research the subject - and it would EXPLAIN a lot. It would explain why our friendship is such a volatile one. Two guys, one with adhd and the other soooo in love with the adhd guy. That's a bad mix right?

I've always known, I could never have this guy. And I'm satisfied with that - but, he is the love of my life - and so in order to keep up a friendship with him, because it hurts soo much, I always felt that it had to be worth it for me - that I had to be more than just another friend to him - I wanted to be his best friend. I wanted to be the guy he trusted more than anyone else..... and this is where the reassurance thing came in. I'd always go on at him about our friendship - asking him if I meant anything to him, accusing him of using me. This stuff would upset him - or at least, he would say it did. But I could never trust him.

At the moment we are not really talking - and I miss him, so deeply. The last time we saw eachother it was a big old drama - he had taken me away to his hometown - and it ended with me trying to tell him how he has effected my life. He didn't like this, said I was "making things worse" - said he was tired of talking about our friendship - always going round in circles.

If he has ADHD, that would make sense right. That, ultimately he does care about me, that there is a bond - but he just cannot always show it - and will be inconsistent.

I love this guy sooo much. I'm worried that I've become this negative force in his life - that I won't be able to regain our bond. I've given him space for a few months - but saw him last week at a work gathering. I was dreading seeing him, he told me that he had been thinking about me every day - and I sooo want to believe that - I told him to ring me every now and again, just to let me know what was going on in his life, he retorted, "YOU could CALL me y'know!" - but I can't, ever. He is prone to ignoring stuff, and it hurts when he does. It has to come from him...

What do people think? If he has ADHD, says he cares about me, thinks about me, and yet is distance... this is normal right?

Thing is, if I didn't have feelings for him - and I hadn't read the ADHD thing - I would have given up on him a long time ago. But, I cannot give up on him. He once told me that he ends up pushing people away - sometimes, it feels like that's what he has been trying with me- but if it's ADHD, he wouldn't be doing that on purpose, would he? - I told him I would never give up on him.

When I saw at the work drinks, I told him, without being direct (cause he doesn't know i read the adhd thing), "I know you are inconsistent, and need your space. I will be here for you when and if you need me." Is that all I can do? Is there more I can do to support him, without him knowing that I know?

 

any advice or opinions on this would be most welcome.

Complicated post

Hello. There is a lot going on here.  Whether he is ADHD can't be determined by the scant behavioral information included. If he does, ADHD can result in a roller coaster relationship with friends, following the cycles of how stimulating he finds you. But it sounds like you have done a lot of pushing in the desire to be best buds, which could put a wedge in any friendship. No one wants to spend time with their friends talking trying to reassure them. It is supposed to be easy time.  It doesn't really sound like you can accept being just friends since you seem to be pining for more than what traditional friendships are meant to provide.  Letting him know you will be there for him was nice. Since he did suggest you could call him, you can do so and suggest a casual get together. And then simply be a friend who is confident that the guy wouldn't be hanging with you if he didn't value you.  

Not ADHD

This doesn't sound so much ADHD as it does "He's just not that into you." It sounds like you are being compulsive over a person who clearly doesn't want the same relationship you do. "I'll never give up on him" is your drama, not his. Let go. And even ADHD people know when they don't want to be in a certain relationship, and you are not going to be the hero of his life.