My best effort to summarize my painfully long story:
I came across this website several months ago. I began talking about it with my husband. At first he was open to the discussions and receptive to my apologizes for treating him horribly in result of not know what was going on and just feeling like he didn’t care about me at all. (He was diagnosed before we met, I just never knew anything about it, and never even looked into it, until our relationship was falling apart before my eyes.) But very quickly his reaction to my self educating changed. I guess it became very real very fast and way too much for him and he freaked out. He asked me for a divorce, out of no where. I moved out and we were separated for two months. During that time he was hateful, and horribly horribly disrespectful. I was depressed, felt rejected and like a failure.
At some point I realized I had no choice but to accept it and try to move on. I met another man and we were having conversations through email and text messages. We never met, dated, or had/did anything more than just talk. After four days of talking to him my husband found out and told me he never wanted a divorce, he just freaked out about everything, and wanted to fix our marriage. I immediately let the other man know I was no longer interested and started attempting to repair my marriage. It was so extremely hard to forgive him for all he had done but I knew that we had something special and I truly do want to be with him for the rest of my life. He is my best friend and he is an amazing person.
He began taking medication, we scheduled an appointment for marriage counseling (with an ADHD-savvy-therapist, or at least she says she is, and as far as her credentials and our experience so far, I think she is) and we purchased several books to begin reading. He is doing several things to begin managing his ADHD and I give him all the credit in the world for that. The problem? He is absolutely pissed at me for talking to someone else. We have been “back together” now for a month and every single day he wants to hash up something about what I did or lied to him about while we were separated. He will ask me questions like, “What was the first day you started talking to him?” My response was, I don’t remember, the week of … ” Then he will yell “That’s a lie! You just keep lying to me and I can’t trust you!” Because I don’t know the exact date and time, or if I am 30 minutes off, then he says I’m lying. (He knows the exact time because he pulled my phone records) I feel trapped and like he continues to “set me up.”
Our therapist says we can’t do anything until we fix the trust because it is the foundation of any relationship. I completely understand that and agree. But I feel like I am bearing all of this. I feel completely screwed over. I seriously didn’t know that he was going to come back and say that he wanted to repair our marriage. I wouldn’t have thrown myself into even attempting to move on if I had. I feel like right now both my husband and our therapist and solely concentrated on “my infidelity.” Which seriously pisses me off. Its like they are acting like I had a romantic relationship with this guy. I’m not trying to rationalize the situation or not take responsibility for what I did. I completely understand that it hurt my husband. I do. But he asked me for a divorce! Does that not matter at all? Is that not a factor in this? I’m just supposed to sit here and take his hatred and harassment and anger until he decides to get over it and move on? I feel like we have so much to work on and I just want to move forward. But we are just hitting a brick wall.
I guess I’m just asking for some input/ opinions. My friends and family say what I did while we were separated is my business and he needs to accept that and get over it. Yet, I understand that its an issue and now that we are back together he has every right to know what happened, etc. But we have talked about it and talked about. I have complete transparency with him, he has access to every email/ social media account I have. Nothing is good enough. Hes just madder than hell. And in response I have to swallow my pain and anger and attempt to sooth his with constant apologizes and sympathy. Am I rationalizing my actions? Is it rational for our therapist and him to treat this situation like an infidelity and constantly tell me, ‘You were a married woman, separated or not.” Our therapist also says things like, “I’m just going to sit here with him because this is where he is as long as it takes.” Easy for her to say! She “sits there with him” for an hour each week AND isn’t married to him! I know he is in pain and that kills me. But I don’t know how much more patience I can have!