I could make this out to be a really long post, but to get to the crux of the matter I feel like my husband, deep down (or not so deep down), really does not want to work. He has a very low-paying job at a hotel right now, which I think he has managed to stick with for the last 4 years because his boss is, in a very dysfunctional way, his "friend." The job is also lower stress than a lot of other jobs, and hubby gets to bring his Nintendo DS to work to play with most days. He still complains how much he hates the job, however, and the customers, and his boss, and so on. He hates everything about it and often says something to the effect that he can't handle this anymore and doesn't want to be there. I have made comment that he cannot leave without having another job lined up, and I have openly remarked that I feel like he is just trying to "run away" and that he does not really want to work at all. He has not disputed this claim. In fact, in the past he has openly admitted he has never wanted to work.
Everything is always somebody else's fault, not his. For example, a co-worker once called him to complain that he did not count down the drawer at the end of his shift. Instead of having any shame about it, he got angry about "who is she to complain to [him]? She's not my boss!" making this all about her "transgression," while completely ignoring his own. I feel like his goal is to get fired while at the same time appearing to be a victim of circumstance, thereby receiving pity and care from those around him.
Hubby has had a very spotty work history before this job, with a long line of fairly short-lived, relatively easygoing, and invariably low-paying gigs, so this lousy job is still probably the best job he's ever had. That being said, his poor attitude, the low income from the job, and his lousy work schedule (coupled with a prohibition on requesting time off) makes this a very flimsy and undesirable situation. I think if he were to be fired from this job he would consider it a relief, or even a favor. I don't feel like he wants to get another job, or put in the work of refining his resume, job searching, interviewing, all of that. I think his dream is to be unemployed and at home with his video games. He has an absurdly low stress tolerance, and an extreme fixation on living in a fantasy world where success is assured. We have dreams (that we supposedly share) of travelling the world, and while I have put in the time and effort to get into a job with the hours and pay to allow for this dream to be realized, he mostly just impedes us. I feel like video games are his opiate; we can talk about things he ought to do, things he should read, he makes promises, he receives advice from his counselor, but nothing ever gets done because he does not want to think about anything potentially uncomfortable. Every moment is filled with video games, if he can help it. He'll say he is going to do something and a second later he is back in front of the games!
Something hubby enjoys doing is making video game banners (gratis) for people on video game forums. Someone recently approached him about designing a graphic for their video game website, and offered about $100-$150 for him to do it, and also said they would promote his work on the site. Golden opportunity, right? Nope - he hasn't worked on this commission at all, because suddenly the creative inspiration has left him. He definitely doesn't like it when things get too "real."
He's been in counseling for years, but nothing seems to improve. We are trying to take a very targeted approach to addressing his ADD problems now that our insurance situation has improved, but the sessions are too far apart, the psychiatrist is an idiot, and we just started with a psychologist who seems promising, but change comes too slow, and I don't know if this underlying lack of motivation is something that can even be changed. Does anyone have any experience with this? Is an underlying lack of motivation to work something that can be changed through counseling, or is this just how he will be the rest of his life?
Give Up
Submitted by ergo8536 on
Some people are hard working and some people are lazy. It's a personality trait and is not dependent on ADHD or non-ADHD. Frankly I think any grown adult who plays video games regularly (not just because his child begs him to play) is lazy. I would take a hammer to his games every time I saw them being played. Or if money is really tight then I would sell them.
My husband has ADHD and I think he is lazy about working but he is not lazy about family. I haven't been able to instigate a change in behavior. The stumbling block for ADHD people from what I have read about their traits is the unwillingness to admit they even have a problem, their inability to listen to anyone's suggestions on how to improve the problem, and the deep down feeling that they are not doing anything wrong so their spouse is unjustified. Now when you go to pointing out how they have made mistakes to cause distrust or other issues they may understand because you are reminding them. But their memory is about the size of a gnat's because my husband can't remember things within an hour of telling him. So I am convinced that within an hour everything you've just said is already slipping into oblivion and they don't keep the memories of past jobs or failures with chores in their head (which is probably why he doesn't realize how nice the job he has is because he can't remember his other jobs).
I'm so fed up with my husband that we are taking steps toward divorce by splitting the assets now. I created an online business over 10 yrs ago after being laid off from an engineering job. I worked hard at it teaching myself how to do so many different things and in the process I also flipped houses to earn money and I improved lots of things on the houses we lived in resulting in higher sale prices. During the first 6 yrs of my business my husband worked as a textile engineer and made a good living while my business broke even and I brought in maybe $30k per year flipping houses (very back breaking work). But after we had just moved to TX and bought a house he got laid off which resulted in him being out of work for 1.5 yrs. Fortunately all my work on the business was paying off and I worked my tail off to ensure we didn't have to move again all while he proceeded to become a DRUNK, a LIAR, and LAZY.
My business has $1 million in sales per year now and we make a very good living. I work hard. I am constantly yelling at him to just work 40 hrs a week. I made him get a job elsewhere because we can't work together. The job was horrible. It was dangerous, had really crappy hours without air or heat in the building, and nasty bathrooms. He worked it for 2 weeks and I felt sorry for him (although I never thought he should have taken the job in the first place). We don't need the money ... I just want him to at least work 40 hrs a week so I don't resent him all the time. So I told him to find a part time job and just put in 25 hours somewhere else and 15 hrs for my business. Two weeks later he isn't putting in a full 15 hrs a week for me. You would think he would appreciate the far better job after experiencing a HORRIBLE one but old habits die hard. As soon as the kids get home (because we run the business from our home) he is wanting to quit to play with them.
I resent him for not providing me with enough help to enable me to spend much time with the kids. He thinks I impose the work on myself and I choose to work so much (which implies he chooses not to). He doesn't understand the responsibilities of being your own boss and running a business. However he will soon get a real good taste for it. I am having to split the business to give him his share of it. Once it is split he will have to maintain the website, maintain and update Amazon listings, order supplies, either ship orders himself or hire someone, pay payroll and submit tax info for the business and himself, and keep track of all expenses to determine profit and loss. I am not going to help him on these things at all. I got no help from him and he deserves none from me. His part of the business will have about $285k in sales and my part of the business will have the rest. He can be as lazy as he wants and run it into the ground for all I care. I just can't wait to see how often he chooses to quit working early and ignore his business responsibilities. I'm sure the physical separation won't be far behind the financial separation.
No matter whether money is a factor or not ...OR ... ADHD is present or not, people either have a compulsion to work hard and get ahead or do as little as they can get away with. I really do believe this is a personality trait. I cannot walk past filth or clutter without the need to fix it (maybe not immediately as I do prioritize things but I will get to it within a reasonable time and I won't forget about it). But some people can see filth/clutter and they are blind to it. It is so low of a priority that watching tv or playing a game is more important to them than their own living space and you can apply the same reasoning to their lack of desire to get ahead. These people are LAZY and you'll never change them. Just because you have ADHD doesn't mean you will be LAZY however I do notice that ADHD people tend to have a lazy streak in them due to their incessant desire to procrastinate.
I'd like to share my story......I hope you will gain from it.
Submitted by Trust_Me on
Let me tell you how I came to this site right now. I just left having had a lunch with my son who is being evicted from the place where he is living. I was trying to be helpful. No matter what I said, all he cared about was going to go have a cigarette. It all went in one ear and out the other. I then went on to have a 2 hour conversation with a friend whose daughter is also ADD. Her daughter is lazy and won't put forth any effort. She thinks its the ADD. My son is ADHD, my recently made ex-husband is ADD. I am 55 years old. My son is 20. My ex is 68. My son left home shortly after the divorce at the age of 18 (on the day of his 18th b-day). Given the stress I have around my son being evicted from where he lives, and our meeting about it all today, I was looking for answers on the web and found your above post.
I am college educated and make a nice living. I always have. I have a rather high IQ. I'm ambitious, hard-working, self-supporting and driven. My Dad was doctor, my Mom a homemaker. My ex-husband was such a user. OMG. He never paid a bill unless I forced him to and the only bills he ever would pay were the things that get turned off, like the electric. He never put a tank of gas in my car, bought me a gift, paid a mortgage payment, bought our son clothes, shoes or anything. I even paid his child support for his adopted child from his previous marriage, until one day I quit doing it.
When I met my ex he made my knees weak and he was the perfect choice I thought at the time. He was old, wiser it seemed and I was in Florida graduating from college and I had no family nearby. So, he talked the talk, but he didn't walk the walk. He always talked about all the things he was "going to achieve". I was naive. I believed him.
To make a long story short, here I am writing you because I fear my son is on his way to becoming his father. Every year I had to spend so much time making sure he made it through the current grade. I worked like a dog to earn a living to pay for my family's lovely lifestyle. It was so very hard to tow my ex and try to ensure my son's success. It took 26 years of my life. Now, my ex is gone out of my life. My son does not live here anymore and I don't pay his way. I am so amazed at the weight that has come off my shoulders. I am so easy and happy and peaceful, that is until their way of living comes back into my world, like today.
If you could only know the outstanding wife and Mother that I was. I was the all-time best. I was SuperWife and SuperMom for sure. All of my son's friends said I was the best Mom of all the Mom's. I really was.
I assure you that I gave it my all.
So, how would I do it all over again, knowing what I know now....... well the truth is I would never, NEVER have married my ex-husband. Had I married a good man, a mentally healthy man, an ambitious man, it would have been so much better.
I know work for a man who is ADD. It drives me nuts, as you can imagine. However, he is very smart. He's a Wharton grad in fact. He's my company's CEO and he's cool. I met his wife and kids and they adore him and he is a good provider. I was amazed at this as I always thought my ex's behavior was because of his ADD. Well, guess what, it was not. He was just plain old lazy, and he happened to have ADD, which just made it that much harder to deal with him as his wife. Einstein, they believe, was ADD. Lots of really successful people are ADD. There are articles on the web written about them, like Presidents of large companies, doctors, etc.
ADD people are not stupid, nor are they bad people, or bad choices for marriage. Lazy people are a bad choice for marriage. ADD people just process information differently. Their brains work somewhat differently. They have trouble with detail, short-term memory and organization. If they are surrounded by good detail people, they can really flourish.
The moral of the story is to find someone to marry who has the same goals as you do, and the drive and intelligence to achieve them.