My wife and I have been married just shy of 20 years. We met in college, dated for 2 years, got engaged, and were married a year later. I was attracted to her physically, but also her fun-loving personality, and the fact that she was so easy to talk to. In hindsight, we probably moved too quickly, but that’s history. After graduation with our bachelor’s degrees, we moved back to our home state, where I began work at a bank and she enrolled in college to finish up teacher certification requirements, which were necessary for her to teach in our state. She took about 2 ½ years to do this, while I advanced at the bank. She subsequently got a teaching job for 2 years, but after our daughters were born, she decided she’d rather be home with them (which I agreed with). What I didn’t know at that time was that “staying home with the kids” would last 15 years! Each year, as the kids got older (we had a son, as well, 5 years after the girls were born), I kept thinking to myself, “Maybe this is the year she’ll go back to work”. Each year, same thing – my hopes dashed while she found fulfillment in being a mom and lots of sporting activities. Each year, financially, we fell further behind, but I always had the thought of “maybe next year” or “maybe this will be the year I get a raise and promotion”. It never happened, so 2 years ago, I finally left the going nowhere non-profit I’d worked at for 13 years, realizing I needed more of a challenge and more of an opportunity to prepare financially for our future. This job change involved a move to another city. She was our family’s cheerleader and support through this difficult time. I couldn’t have done it all without her. However, now we’re all settled into our new routines, with the exception of our son, who she’s homeschooled this year due to his ADHD. She’s never been diagnosed officially with ADHD herself, though we’ve joked and wondered about it over the years. Well, it’s no longer a joking matter, as I am increasingly frustrated. We’ve been living on one income for so long but doing just that – eking by but not thriving and not putting any money away for college, which hits us with a double-whammy in 3 short years! This is the source of my frustration. I can’t get my wife to understand the seriousness of the situation. WE DO NOT HAVE FUNDS FOR COLLEGE and we will not short of yet another job change for me (which I don’t want – I like my current role) or her getting back to teaching. We would be able to put almost everything she would make aside for college. She let her teaching certificate lapse so there is some paperwork/fees to get it reinstated. We looked into that last summer, as she applied but wasn’t hired for a teaching job, and so the paperwork still sits on our kitchen counter. No proactive “get it done” mentality at all on her part. If it’s any work at all, she makes excuses. I made her aware (that’s the other frustration – I’m always the one finding the jobs for her!) of a local Christian school that was hiring. She could teach and our son could go there for a reduced tuition rate. A win-win. Well, the application was a little too long for her to get through at the first try, so, there it sits on the counter! Today I mentioned that a local public school district was hiring for next school year, in her subject matter. She barely seemed interested. I finally asked “do you even want to work?” She was fairly non-committal, saying “you’re lucky - you don’t have to keep going to college for your career”. The aggravating parts about this is a) why’d we spend all that time and money getting her degree if she doesn’t intend to use it and 2) had I known a decade ago she didn’t plan on working, I would’ve had time to adjust, look for a better job sooner, etc. As it is, we’re running short of years to accumulate college funds, not to mention me wondering what she’s thinking about life in general. She has accused me of “parenting” her, treating her like a child over the years. I’ve accused her of acting like one. This has caused marital problems that we’ve gotten counseling for in the past, and it feels like things improve for a while, but then soon revert back. I do feel like the only adult in my marriage and it’s wearing thin. Any suggestions would be much appreciated!
Frustrated with my wife's undiagnosed (officially) ADHD -- not sure what to do next
Submitted by frustratedhubby73 on 06/04/2014.
What are her symptoms?
Submitted by smgladucote on
Just curious, what are her symptoms exactly that make you think she has ADHD. I have two children with it and a husband who might have it but is undiagnosed. But I can understand where you are coming from with the money stresses.
ADHD wife's symptoms
Submitted by frustratedhubby73 on
She’s late to just about everything. We now have teenagers who hate to be late, which has helped some. She is very easily distracted. She gets doing a project and quickly flits to something else. She hyperfocuses on anything sports-related to the detriment of other important matters (though she’d deny it). She forgets things very easily (i.e., did you call that person? Did you remember to make that appointment?) but refuses to make lists. I often feel like the nag talked about in some of the other posts! There’s been a parent/child dynamic at play from time to time over the years and that stresses us both out. Who wants to be that way as husband/wife?! We used to dream about our future but she’s unwilling to talk/think seriously about our future from a financial perspective. As such, I’ve basically quit dreaming which is depressing, but I am a realist. She’s got good training and skills and supposedly loves to teach, but isn’t willing to put any effort into job hunting. Now I see our son with some of the same tendencies and it’s scary. What about your situation? Similar?
Sort of similar.
Submitted by smgladucote on
My husband has all of those same symptoms, but his hyperfocus is on his work. We (family) take a backseat. I have really been trying to talk to him the way I speak to our 10 year old son who has ADHD. However, sometimes he notices and get angry. There is that parent/child dynamic. It is really hard to understand that he cannot help (without medication and therapy) the way his brain is wired and the way he hears things or forgets but doesn't think he forgets. This is a constant source of anger with us. "I told you that earlier!" "No honey, you didn't." "Yes I did!! You just never listen to me!" In reality, he didn't say it. But the way he does that constantly, make me start to believe that it's me and not him. On the bright side, I am NOT embarassed to be married to him in the least! He provides very well for our family. I can live with certain "quirks", its just the communication issues that threaten our happiness at the moment. I think that therapy is the best for both of our cases right now. Because, broaching the subject of ADHD with our spouses is obviously a mine field. I bought Melissa's book and am going to use some of the suggestions in there. I also find that writing things out helps TREMENDOUSLY with my H. He doesn't listen well, but if I put it to paper, he gets it. I hope some of the suggestions help. Don't give up, she is the mother of your kids and it sounds like she is a good mom too!
Not giving up
Submitted by frustratedhubby73 on
I’m not giving up or going anywhere. I do love my wife dearly. She really is a great person, mom, and wife. I was mainly venting, though it is helpful to hear that others share similar frustrations – makes you feel like you’re not alone! And, you’re right – the communication (or lack of) can be the most frustrating.
I hear you ...
Submitted by tfarmer on
I read the list of symptoms you wrote and can say I have experienced the same. Take a look at my posts to see if anything makes sense with regard to your situation. It may save you some time and effort.
There are also several woman that post who have been diagnosed and seem to be successfully addressing the ADHD issues. Two are ADHDMOM, and SMILINGAGAIN. I don't always like to hear what they say but I have found reading their posts gives really good insight into life for a woman with ADHD.