Frustrated to no end....

Hi All!

My daughter is ADD not ADHD and we went to see  a speaker on it, just happened to be Dr. Hallowell! Low and behold as we were finding out things it was dawning on me this is my hubby as well.  He's been diagnosed as clinically depressed because of his anger outbursts but from hearing Dr. Hallowell and reading on Adult ADHD I believe he is depressed and ADHD as well.

 

Not sure what to do. Been married 11 years and am filled with such resent in my hurt. I am still talking and not done totally with him as I do love him and our 3 kids and do not want to break up our home. But the more he does things without even asking me. not helping me sitting in front of his computer all day.. If he does watch the girls for me I have to call to remind him at whatever time for what needs doing. Like eat at such such bath at such such bed at such such..


He's into video editing and is always having a new project to deal with. Yells at me because I don't know how it is to be a video editor.. And to me my response is you try to run a house by yourself. I survive because I have my mother in law who adores me and is such a help I can't imagine life without her and I have my mom nearby. They are my helpers. I have no emotional support and very minimal support in household affairs.. my adhd daughter's homework my problem, cooking my problem, finances my problem.. He does do the dishes/make the bed but it took me 10 years to get those things into a ritual for him.  And he does cut the yard and take out the trash. But the handling of all the emotional crap and household stuff is horrible.

 

Just looking for some suport I guess........... Man our lives seem they can be so hard.

I know the day it dawned on

I know the day it dawned on me that my husband was ADD like our son.  Our son was diagnosed at 4 with severe AD/HD along with IED and ODD.  It wasn't until our son was about 13 when they were both working on projects at the same time that I was watching them both and going my husband is ADD too.  I live in a home with 3 ADD'ers.

Our children are now 17 and 13.  During the first part of the marriage I did the majority of everything and did it alone.  My husband would go to work, come home, and disappear to a computer.  This lasted for many years until about 2 years ago when I could not take it any longer.  My husband did get his diagnosis and is taking the meds.  He is trying to figure out the right dose and trying new ways of doing things to manage his ADD.

Have things improved?  Yes.   Are things perfect?  No.  As a matter of fact, I just hit a low last week.  I debate staying or leaving all of the time.  Some days it's easier than others to have hope.

If you both truly love each other and he's willing to accept he may be ADD and take the steps necessary to get treatment and tries you'll be able to deal with things better.  Again, better not perfect, it's a slow progression and daily work to have things more peaceful in your home.

Thank you for your post back.

Thank you for your post back. It's been really hard. Hubby agrees he is ADD however he does not want any meds or to see anyone because he feels it will take his creativity from him. I know ADHD you can be a success and do well but that is with the right support therapies and meds but medication is something he's pretty much completely out on.. Then it doesn't help that he won't for counseling for years and he finished the program but now takes an antidepressant and doesn't want to go talk to someone on ADHD. I'm not sure how this first counselor missed the signs of ADD they are ALL there............

 

Thanks for your post, love this place and knowing I'm not alone in this struggle.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

We are many

Hi,

Like so many of us, you got the 2 for 1 diagnosis.  My son was in 4th grade when we found out he is adhd.  He is now 23. Wonderful young man.

I can very clearly see what a difference it makes having adhd addressed in a child, versus having a 53 year old man try to address all the coping mechanisms he has developed over the years by living a life being baffled by how his brain works. My husband's adhd symptoms are very trying.  Not as trying as the fact that he claims his counselor has told him he has the worst wife of all the people he has ever helped.  Nice.

It is true I HAVE HAD IT with the chaos.  I want a partnership.  I want a helpmate.  I want someone I can count on in times of stress. 

I do not want to be battered over the head with blame. 

You will definitely find camaraderie  on his forum.

We are all walking the same walk.  

I'm so exhausted

Hey there, I'm so exhausted. I just tune right into your 'screen' name! Lol! I am soooo exhausted, too.

And I think the same lady is in my mirror.

We are 2 years into our relationship. I had one amazing year of life with the man of my dreams. 1 year since his hyperfocus on me stopped and the multiple conversations, or sobfests on my part, trying to figure out why I didn't believe he was interested in me for anything other than a maid. (And the rare source of interest when his dick got hard. Sorry for being this blunt.) Just 10 days since I have figured this out. He agrees; he was adhd as a kid, but not treated since age 13. Then years at boarding schools. Multiple. Failed 13 year marriage. Limited relationship with his adult daughter. 2 more failed long-term relationships. 4 years and 2 years. And so it begins. He swears he will get the help he knows he needs. I did the research, got the books, found the websites,  found the right (hopefully) doc, got all info from the doc about cost, etc. and presented. We don't have health insurance. My man said no, this costs too much. Yes, we discussed the cost to our relationship. He will do "anything" to save our relationship, as long as it's free. But he won't exercise. So I ask him to walk with me. You know, a good fast walk for 1/2 hour every AM. No, he wants to stroll. Then no, I'm too tired. Cause he was up half the night on the computer. Every night. And on and on and on and on and on and on and ....I'm sure you get it. Vitamins and supplements? If I take the time to set them up, lay them out and remind him, he still forgets.

Omg. I am living a nightmare.

I hope I can wake up somehow and get out of this mess. But of course, if I leave him, he'll "kill himself".

I was married for nearly 30 years to a wonderful man. We hit a terrible patch, separated, and then he died. Before anything could be resolved. I know i can't change the past, but I can't help but feel at times that this is my penance...

Gotta run. And be normal. Later.