I am new to this board and hoping to receive some helpful input. My long term boyfriend has never been officially diagnosed, but he admitted he was probably ADHD not long after we began our relationship. Shortly after this, I recognized a number of ADHD symptoms in myself which led me to get diagnosed and I am medicated.
HE cannot be diagnosed or medicated for career reasons. I have suggested going to counseling and we went once but he said he did not want to keep going. However, so many things are just adding up and frustrating me.
1. He hyperfocuses all the time. He recently started a side business in addition to his regular job (the regular job which takes him away from home for long stretches) and he sits and home on his days off working on the website and other tasks for the new business. To the detriment of every other aspect of his life and relationship. It is so clearly a ADHD hyperfocus situation: sitting in front of the computer for hours; not eating or taking breaks (he'll wait til he's starving then consume an entire bottle of peanuts); not taking care of general household tasks that we should share (asking him to grocery shop on Monday means maybe he'll finally get to it on Weds); waiting until I get home at 7 PM from work to begin cleaning up the house (we share these tasks but I am constantly feeling like I get the shaft).
For the first few months I was OK with this, as I thought it necessary to get things off the ground and I supported the business. But it has become increasingly clear to me that the hyperfocus will continue as this side business continues. I come home from work and he often will retreat back to his office to hyperfocus although I will invite him to find something on TV we can watch together, or to spend time together at least reading next to each other on the sofa...
I have suggested setting an alarm for lunch time or breaks for human interaction/playing with the pets or anything. He has read enough about ADHD that he has adopted some of these solutions but obviously not to the extent needed. He is not using the alarm as I suggested and he doesn't check his calendar as often as he should; in fact, he almost missed an appointment last week but I remembered it for him (as if I don't have enough to remember).
2. He constantly forgets to do things and procrastinates creating negative impacts for me. He'll wait till the night before he has to travel to do several loads of laundry (we've separated his and my laundry because I'd end up doing his constantly if not, as he'd let a month's worth pile up before doing any) and pack, stressing out, and forgetting important items he needs for work.
3. He has little patience for the boring responsibilities of daily life/household tasks. When I ask him to do something, he'll do it half-ass and then become extremely defensive and accuse me of "nagging". I know I am not being overly particular, but it's reasonable to expect that when someone unloads a dishwasher, they would separate the utensils rather than just dump them into a messy pile in the drawer. No matter how many times I ask him not to place my expensive knife set in the dishwasher because they will be damaged, he does it still, even though I assured him I will wash them by hand myself.
He hates to cook or prepare any food, hence his habit of eating whatever is handy and the unhealthy results (he's gained a good 20 or so pounds in the past few yrs). I've come home to a meal only once or twice since we began dating, despite the fact that I have to attend night meetings for work, so I'll come home at 9 and he'll be expecting me to put something together to eat. Which is just thoughtless of him as well.
I'm constantly being accused of nagging or criticizing, when my requests are reasonable - all I am asking is that he share in some of the tasks that I seem to do the majority of. We even have a house cleaner for most stuff, so it is very little that I am asking here.
SO frustrated and hoping for advice!