I haven't been here in awhile but had a huge fight with my husband last night and I'm feeling in need of some venting. I'm 3000 miles from home because we are out of state attending my father-in-law's memorial service. My FIL died a couple of months ago so all of the planning and preparing was done before we got here. We couldn't fly in to help right after he passed because we only had the money to make one trip (because my husband hasn't worked in a couple of years) and my MIL wanted us to be here for the service. I had been saving for a small vacation anyway so I made arrangements to come be here for 4 days for the family then go on vacation for 5 days about 3 hours away from MIL's house so we could relax afterwards (I haven't had a vacation in years). But things have now blown up in my face and my husband says it's all my fault.
Ever since I arrived I've been cooking for his relatives and helping out. I've done the grocery shopping and errands because there was nothing here to eat and lots of things that needed to be done (even though we had been told everything was taken care of). My husband on the other hand has been preoccupied with his boat. He wanted to take it with us on our vacation, and I know he will make my life miserable if he doesn't get to take it, so he has been busy repairing it so it's sea-worthy while I cook and clean and shop. So two nights ago while we are eating dinner he makes some negative comments about the food that I had prepared. Everyone else seemed to be enjoying it but he had to say what comes to mind and he was critisizing how I seasoned the meat. As usual, I just jokingly played it off even though I was hurt and embarrassed. (And by the way I seem to have to do this every time we go somewhere because he is always opening his mouth and making a fool of himself or being rude to someone for no good reason). Then last night he did the same thing and that was just the last straw. I got up and walked out. Today I have been alone all day and tomorrow is the service. I don't feel like going because I don't want to see him and I don't want to be around his very ill-behaved grown children. I was planning on just getting a flight back home this afternoon but the price was so expensive I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Plus I will lose the full amount I paid for our vacation rental. There is nobody here for me to talk too because they are all his relatives and I can't call and talk to my friends and relatives because they don't understand why I'm with him in the first place. I feel very alone and I just want to run away!
It seems like my life now consists of me crying or us arguing. I have a hard time letting things go when they affect me too. I also have a hard time dealing with his lack of filter (what comes to his mind comes out his mouth) and the procrastination and the lack of work ethic (he says he isn't going to stress himself out working jobs that are demanding and so far in our 8 years of marriage he hasn't found one that isn't). All of the stress is always on me. Funny how I wasn't stressed before we married and I was doing the same job I am now. But now I have a grown man-child to care for who always seems to be causing some sort of problem and I find myself constantly stressed and angry. I'm sick of the name calling and threats when things don't go his way. I feel like a fool to have stuck around this long but every time I threaten to file for divorce he starts making threats about destroying my life. UGH!
Destruction
Submitted by Standing on
Sounds like he is already destroying your life.
Are you afraid of him, Laurie? Has he ever physically harmed you?
Depending on the content of his threats, you might possibly get a restraining order against him. I am very familiar with this sort of bullying tactic and I know that it does not have to even come down to the physical in order to be quite intimidating. He truly does sound like a typical bully, to say the least. Please protect yourself. Hugs to you!!
Yes he is a bully
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Thank you Standing. Yes he is a bully when he doesn't get his way. Just a few days after his father passed he started pressuring his mother for money to the point of her crying and then giving in and agreeing to give him some of the life insurance money. She is very poor and needed all of that money yet it was easier for her to just give it to him. I partly blame his parents for the way he is, not sure it's all ADHD, They gave him everything as a child and always bailed him out of trouble. He was an only child and basically got his way all the time. Although I felt bad for her when he was harassing her I also know she helped create the monster. Ultimately, when I spoke up and told him he needed to leave her alone, her husband just died and she was grieving, he told me it was my fault because I was always telling him how broke we are and how we need money. Did he really not understand that I wanted him to get a job and make money for us? Did he really think I wanted him to harass an old woman who just lost her husband? Crazy!
no warning
Submitted by Standing on
So true
Submitted by frustratedwife on
So very true Standing! I wish I had money for an attorney, he has bled me dry and I live paycheck to paycheck now. But I did consult an attorney a while back and I was told in our state he can claim half of everything (even though it was all mine before we married) and ask for spousal support because I've been the sole provider. How unfair is that? It's not like he was home raising the kids (we don't have any) or unable to work. He just can't hold a job (has had over 40 in the last 8 years and it's always someone else's fault that he quits or gets fired). But I will do my best to start developing a safety line. I do think a good counselor is something I need right now too.
that is so, so wrong, Laurie
Submitted by Standing on
I also live in a community
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I also live in a community property state. It's true that the presumption is that all marital property will be divided equally at separation or divorce. And it's true in my state that either spouse can ask for spousal support. However, I think there's a strong possibility that a judge would impute income to your husband, that is, pretend that he has income even though he doesn't, because your husband's not working is essentially a choice. I too suggest talking to an attorney (again) in your state.
True
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Very true, I need to speak with an attorney again. I need to protect myself.
leave him
Submitted by Sade88 on
If you don't have children together and you are financially able, leave him. I am assuming he is the one with ADD. If he won't get help for his ADD, its not worth the frustration to put up with him. Life is too short to live that way. I have stayed because I love my husband and I did take the vow of for better or worse. I try to separate his nice behavior from his ADD behavior. But this has been really hard. Had it not been for my son, I probably would have been done a long time ago. But at least now my husband takes meds and went to a counselor yesterday (don't know how long that will last). But if your husband is constantly a butt head, cut your losses and exit stage right.
I think about leaving...
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Believe me Sade88, I think about it daily! But I can't walk away because it's my home. I owned it when we met and I have been paying for it since the day I bought it. He won't leave and I'm afraid to rock the boat because he hasn't worked in so long he can file for spousal support. I'm barely surviving and could never make it if I had to pay him monthly. He also gets so angry when I tell him he needs to start contributing or he needs to move out. He threatens to destroy my home or my business. I realize this is mostly angry talk but it's still scary. And the law is not in my favor. As long as things go his way he is a nice guy but when it doesn't watch out!
laurieJS The worse thing you can do is treat him w/ divorce etc.
Submitted by c ur self on
He has you intimidated...
It sounds to me like there has been to much talk...Your only power over his attempts to control and intimidate you will be a calm silence!...I bet he uses anything you say to defend yourself, or call attention to his poor behaviors as an opportunity to over power you verbally and turn it on you...It sounds like you are scared and beat down. What ever you do, force yourself to not engage him...If he want here your concern's and respect them in front of a third party like a counselor you may want to separate....I'm not an advocate for separation, and definitely hate divorce...But, a man who want work, deserves to be forced to live alone until he can learn to be responsible and accountable as a husband. And no one deserves the verbal abuse your describing...That makes for a miserable relationship...I will pray for you!
Everything you said was right
Submitted by frustratedwife on
Everything you said was right on target c ur self! I have such a hard time disengaging but you are so right, I need to keep quiet because because every time I open my mouth it leads to a fight. I have put off counseling because we are so broke but I need to find a way to pay for it because he has said he will go. He accepts his ADHD (although he doesn't want to medicate) but he thinks I'm the one who is controlling and causing the problems in our marriage. I will admit I'm OCD and I can't stand being around people who aren't responsible and accountable. We are a total mis-match and it's driving me crazy and stressing me out!
I guess I haven't ended the marriage yet simply because I hate divorce so much. I went through one divorce and swore I would never do it again. But I'm miserable playing "mommy" to a 54 year old man and always having to be the responsible one.
He almost missed it!
Submitted by frustratedwife on
This morning was my FIL's memorial service. I decided not to go and told my husband that last night. I felt a little guilty about it but I'm not that close with his family (and can't stand to be around his sons who are adults but completely obnoxious) and after what I went through yesterday I just didn't want to be around any of his family. The service was at 9:30 and they wanted family there by 9am. We are staying in a RV a few blocks from my MIL's home and if it wasn't for her driving over and honking her horn and then banging on the door at 8:30 he would have slept right through the service. I vowed last night I wasn't going to worry about waking him up, I was going to sleep in and I wasn't even going to look at the clock. I had taken some strong meds for the stress headache I had so I was sleeping too when she came by...but I would have been up and ready to go if I had chosen to attend - I am never late. This is a 54 year old man and why should I have to over-see his every move? I refuse to continue to play "mommy". If he can't wake up on time or set an alarm then I guess he misses out. I'm sick of being responsible for him!