I recently told my husband that unless he was willing to talk more honestly with me about issues that our marriage has been dealing with for the last two decades, that I did not see any hope in us continuing to move forward. I thought about divorce every day for the last 20 years and because of his ongoing mental issues it is a very real reality that I will most likely be forced to deal with in the next couple of years. My husband is a very good man, but is extremely childish and immature just like many of the other husbands that deal with ADHD. He is basically an eternal child. So this morning, in the interest of newly honest communication, he told me that he thinks it's unfair that I don't think he gets anything done and that he takes too long to get things done. I tried to be kind, but the fact that we have two storages that he has been telling me for 15 years will be fixed and disposed with is sort of a thorny issue in our relationship, and I cannot reinvent history or pretend that it's not happening, even though he would like me to. Everything I ever had asked him to do takes ten times longer than anyone else, and usually I end up doing it myself. This is just one issue of many, but probably the biggest because I have been paying it for it for so long. He refuses to let me help, I'm not sure why but his therapist is telling him he has major hoarding issues due to his childhood. So when I told him this this morning, he countered with I just don't notice that he's getting things done, I don't appreciate him, and that he's doing it better than anybody else. Seriously this is classic gaslighting, and as soon as he left this morning I repeated his words to myself and really appreciate it how just incredibly off they are. I believe the Panama Canal took something like 10 years to build correct? So why does it take 15 years to clean out 2 storages? No matter how much he wants to whitewash this, or make himself look like this Paragon of Industry, the reality is he can't be trusted to do even the most basic tasks without taking so long to do it. Even our kids know not to ask him for anything because he will never come through, and then he will get mad if you remind him months and months and months later all the promises that he made.
As he has struggled our entire marriage with keeping a job, and is currently on his at least 20th job, I know that this is part of his low self-esteem issues and if he can't believe it he's doing stuff right at home and maybe it'll actually happen? I don't know, but I totally appreciate what he is able to do, dealing with his many mental issues not the least of which are ADHD and PTSD, and I know I need to ratchet down my expectations quite a bit in regards to him because he is basically mentally ill. But I will not pretend that he is doing things when he says he's supposed to do them, I will not pretend that telling me for 15 years that two storages are going to be cleaned out is in any way shape or form acceptable, and I will not pretend that all of his job loss situations are healthy or acceptable or had helped the health of our relationship. He just does not understand that all of the crap that he has put our family through for the last two decades is incredibly wearing, and I have finally reached the limit of what I am willing to put up with. So while I am trying to be honest with my communication towards him I do not see that he is going to be able to deal with it or make any sort of meaningful change.
I have investigated ending the relationship, and unfortunately since he is unable to support himself, I would have to pay some pretty big alimony in order for him to survive. Which I am totally not willing to do, but I would have to if I decided to finally end the relationship. So I am sort of stuck here, and while I have accepted that, I have not accepted that I have to continue to pretend that what he does and who he is and his mental health issues are not a huge problem.
Disability
Submitted by triedandtrue on
Have you looked into getting your husband on Disability? A history of failure to get hired and failure to stay employed can be grounds for acceptance onto the Social Security disability rolls. Any medical problems - mental or physical - are also taken into account in Disability applications, too. ADHD is not considered a disability in many states yet, but depression is. Does he have a current prescription for anti-depressants? That would help quite a bit. Bad back or other chronic health problems? Anything like that. The doctor's evaluation is key in these applications.
The presence of Disability benefits would reduce the amount of spousal support you might have to pay, I believe. But check with a lawyer, of course. A disability lawyer can charge about $5,000 for a successful Social Security application. That is, first you apply on your own. Then after being rejected (which usually happens on the first try), a lawyer can handle the appeal. The lawyer's fee is taken out of the disability income in some cases.
If hubby had disability benefits, he would be eligible for other support. Low-cost housing, food stamps, counseling, etc. The amount of savings a person has should not affect his chances of getting Disability. A lawyer could help with that question, too. Oh, and a person can work part time while drawing Disability.
Maybe consider calling a disability lawyer before calling the divorce lawyer.
Good luck.
Disability could be a good
Submitted by MFrances on
Disability could be a good thing to look into for him. If he's willing to do that. Just a note too, it takes a long time, I don't know if it's different by state, by where I live one almost always gets denied and then you have to appeal, and often get a lawyer to help. The good news is that the payment is back paid to when you first applied.
The other thing I wanted to say was, I just read an article on the time it takes people with ADHD to get things done. It was so frustrating! I do understand that it will take my H longer to do something than it would me (or a paid repairman) and that he will do things differently, etc. But my problem is he NEVER gets around to doing anything he says he will! It doesn't just take longer, he just doesn't do it. What do you do about that?!
<< Have you looked into
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<< Have you looked into getting your husband on Disability? A history of failure to get hired and failure to stay employed can be grounds for acceptance onto the Social Security disability rolls.<<
OMG...if that's true, no wonder we have so many able-bodied bodies collecting disability. Why bother to work? Omg
Disability
Submitted by redhead1017 on
The only way he would get on disability is if I did the entire application. I don't have time - right now I'm trying to get my adult special needs son on SSI, so maybe after I tackle that I will have time.
He's actually mentioned getting on disability twice the last week- with big plans to do this or that, talk to the VA, get himself on medical disability, etc. It will never happen unless I do it.
Redhead1017, I hear you. A bit more info
Submitted by triedandtrue on
Good luck to you with both your son's and husband's applications, the latest items on your endless task list.
Adding a bit more information re Disability and ADHD:
It is best to consult a lawyer BEFORE you fill out your husband's first application. That is, before the application is submitted and rejected. After the first rejection, as I said above, you definitely must have a lawyer take care of the appeals. The entire process can take a year or more.You need the lawyer's input before you get started because of questions like these:
Your husband's petition for Disability will be for 1) a history of failure to get or keep jobs, and 2) health problems that the Social Security Administration accepts as contributing to his work problems. Disability is most often granted to older people of working age - in their 50s or early 60s. If your husband is younger, is that considered a problem and if so, how would the lawyer recommend you handle it in the application? Can ADHD safely be a factor in your husband's petition for Disability? Is it a help or a hindrance? For example, if your husband has been diagnosed and has been prescribed medication yet fails to take it or participate in recommended therapy, would a Disability claims processor rule that he would be able to work if he took the meds and did the therapy - so his employment situation is something he should be able to manage himself? How would a lawyer advise you on this? Is your husband protected from this sort of thinking because ADHD is a disability under federal law? Or is protection limited, because some state and local jurisdictions officially or unofficially do not recognize ADHD as a disability in terms of their own processes and programs? How would a lawyer preempt the problem of resistance to ADHD as grounds for Disability - at any level of government? That is, how would a lawyer present the reality of your husband's medical and work history? If your husband has not been officially diagnosed (sorry, I don't know his history), is that a positive or negative thing legally? This is one reason I suggested that you include other health problems besides ADHD if he has them. Does the lawyer think your husband's school records (if they show a pattern of problems) should be included along with his medical and work histories?
Best wishes