I recently told my husband that unless he was willing to talk more honestly with me about issues that our marriage has been dealing with for the last two decades, that I did not see any hope in us continuing to move forward. I thought about divorce every day for the last 20 years and because of his ongoing mental issues it is a very real reality that I will most likely be forced to deal with in the next couple of years. My husband is a very good man, but is extremely childish and immature just like many of the other husbands that deal with ADHD. He is basically an eternal child. So this morning, in the interest of newly honest communication, he told me that he thinks it's unfair that I don't think he gets anything done and that he takes too long to get things done. I tried to be kind, but the fact that we have two storages that he has been telling me for 15 years will be fixed and disposed with is sort of a thorny issue in our relationship, and I cannot reinvent history or pretend that it's not happening, even though he would like me to. Everything I ever had asked him to do takes ten times longer than anyone else, and usually I end up doing it myself. This is just one issue of many, but probably the biggest because I have been paying it for it for so long. He refuses to let me help, I'm not sure why but his therapist is telling him he has major hoarding issues due to his childhood. So when I told him this this morning, he countered with I just don't notice that he's getting things done, I don't appreciate him, and that he's doing it better than anybody else. Seriously this is classic gaslighting, and as soon as he left this morning I repeated his words to myself and really appreciate it how just incredibly off they are. I believe the Panama Canal took something like 10 years to build correct? So why does it take 15 years to clean out 2 storages? No matter how much he wants to whitewash this, or make himself look like this Paragon of Industry, the reality is he can't be trusted to do even the most basic tasks without taking so long to do it. Even our kids know not to ask him for anything because he will never come through, and then he will get mad if you remind him months and months and months later all the promises that he made.
As he has struggled our entire marriage with keeping a job, and is currently on his at least 20th job, I know that this is part of his low self-esteem issues and if he can't believe it he's doing stuff right at home and maybe it'll actually happen? I don't know, but I totally appreciate what he is able to do, dealing with his many mental issues not the least of which are ADHD and PTSD, and I know I need to ratchet down my expectations quite a bit in regards to him because he is basically mentally ill. But I will not pretend that he is doing things when he says he's supposed to do them, I will not pretend that telling me for 15 years that two storages are going to be cleaned out is in any way shape or form acceptable, and I will not pretend that all of his job loss situations are healthy or acceptable or had helped the health of our relationship. He just does not understand that all of the crap that he has put our family through for the last two decades is incredibly wearing, and I have finally reached the limit of what I am willing to put up with. So while I am trying to be honest with my communication towards him I do not see that he is going to be able to deal with it or make any sort of meaningful change.
I have investigated ending the relationship, and unfortunately since he is unable to support himself, I would have to pay some pretty big alimony in order for him to survive. Which I am totally not willing to do, but I would have to if I decided to finally end the relationship. So I am sort of stuck here, and while I have accepted that, I have not accepted that I have to continue to pretend that what he does and who he is and his mental health issues are not a huge problem.