"Getting it" Question

So many have written here wondering if their husband/wife with ADD will ever "get it".  For those of you who have ADD and do understand the consequences of past actions, how your ADD impacted your relationships, how your spouse reacted to you, etc....WHAT made you "get it"?  Was it medication?  Was it counseling?  Both?  Or a drastic step on the part of your partner?

At what point, did your realization come alive?

Thanks for your thoughts.



I don't have ADD, but my

I don't have ADD, but my husband is ADHD...and I can tell you what I feel made him 'get it'...long story short...being faced with either changing his behaviors or his marriage was over. I changed, let go of the anger and resentment and vowed to give him a clean slate for us to start over with...and asked only the same of him. Took 2-3 HELLISH months of him trying out the old behaviors, me setting new boundaries for myself and our children and refusing to let him over step those, and many setbacks and stumbles for us both,  but he is a completely different person today than he was a year ago..and so am I. We are in counseling (with a very knowledgable counselor...we saw 2 over the past 3-4 years that NEVER helped) and he recently started taking medication. He is 100% involved in his treatment and wants to learn all he can. We didn't have his diagnosis until June 2010,  after we'd reconciled (last Dec) so most of what we accomplished before then was just 'us'....and a lot of hard work.


Sometimes I read this site and I feel grateful and other times a bit crazy.  But one thing just happened with my partner and I that I would like to post.  A friend of ours died suddenly and he lived overseas.  Because we couldn't go to the funeral we got together with a couple who was also friends with him who we do not know well.  My partner monopolized the conversation and talked about many different things and I felt frustrated.  When this has happened in the past I have socialized less, gone into another room and spoke with others, accepted my partner and tried to understand why I needed to talk, or was curious about others.  This time I felt frustrated and wanted to talk about the death of our friend.  

This is a day later and of course my partner could tell I was frustrated but just accused me of not caring about what she has to say.  We go to couples every week and sometimes it helps.  Mostly we deal with her complaints about me and kids.  I feel that through mindfulness and taking care of myself, I survive this.  I really want a mutual relationship where we both connect.  But it seems I am the one to make the moves.  I decided to try to gently talk to my partner about this who got mad and told me I was controlling and slammed doors.  She ended the conversation and we are now in separate parts of the the house.  

We have been together for 9 years.  We have 3 kids (I share custody with my ex)--so we have been through a lot.  I think I have just decided to try to get through the kids childhood (youngest is 9) by trying the best I can to not react to her.  I feel that another divorce would be so hard for the kids but sometimes I wonder.  I often feel deprived and sad.  Any advice?

I assume your partner is

I assume your partner is ADD/ADHD? Is she treated?

Counseling should never be just about "her complaining about me or the kids"...that's not helpful and a waste of money. Where is her accountability? Does she have any?

Communication is sometimes extremely hard in these relationships...that is where counseling is vital. She needs to learn that there is a time to talk and a time to listen and you need to learn to express your frustrations in ways that she is open to 'hearing' without feeling attacked. I've seen suggestions where you set a timer and each of you gets 10 minutes to talk, uninterrupted, about whatever it is that is on your mind. Maybe that would help if she's dominating the conversation.