This is actually my first ever post as im in need fo specific advice.
We have been together for three years and will soon be married. He is genuinely a good man, and i am completely in love with him. I am willing to do any and everything to keep both of us happy as individuals and as a couple.
our issues seem to be the usual ' lack of control, time management etc. i don't know exactly how to outline the few concerns i have, so I'll just list them with a few examples.
1.LYING: when we first met, he didn't tell me about his ADHD ( he later confessed to not being sure of my reaction, hence the delay in telling me) . He smoked and drank but told me he didn't smoke, and only drank very rarely. He has spent money on lotteries and Pokemon etc and failed to notify me, my issue is that gambling on things like lotteries and pokeballs should be first discussed and agreed upon by BOTH partners. He is generally a pretty good guy, except that he lies, either by omitting information, or flat out denying the gravity of things.
2. MINIMAL SELF CONTROL: He is unable to plan and stick to a healthy and productive lifestyle, i have told him repeatedly how much he needs to eat healthy, quit smoking, exercise more and meditate to help him maintain good health. He says he will, but always reverts back to his usual habits. He behaves inappropriately when out in public where he becomes extra clumsy, chews with his mouth open, talks over everyone,or just ignores everyone. He constantly over eats, drinks too much coffee, overdoes his medication etc.
3. HYGIENE: his hygiene is a lot better now, but not where it should be. he is very messy, leaves the bedroom messy, his clothes all over the floor, cooks and then leaves a huge mess, must be reminded to shower and brush his teeth etc. Again, he has made improvements and i am really proud of him for that, but i feel that he is progressing slowly and its really frustrating me.
4. COMMUNICATION: whenever we have had disagreements, and i have cried and physically pushed or shoved him, he focuses on the fact that im attacking him, or that im being physically aggressive rather than the problem itself. I try so hard to explain to him what the issue is, why its making me upset/ angry etc. He doesn't seem to understand that his slow response and reluctance / refusal to accept responsibility is driving me insane.
PS: He is a very intelligent man, very educated, has a steady job, gets along wth family, is very affectionate, super romantic, emotionally aware etc. so he is not a bad person, its just a few of his behaviors that concern me.
SUMMARY: I am not innocent in this, hence why i have come here for advice. Prior to my relationship with him, i was always a laid back person, i had no problem removing myself from a situation that i felt was draining, and i always kept my cool. Now, i have become angry and frustrated. there have been so many times where i have imagined myself hurling objects at him to harm him. I really really hate that i think like this, i don't like the frustration and the resentment i feel towards him for being so stubborn and defensive. I don't want to use violence to get through to him. I want to communicate with him and have him understand and compromise, just like i have throughout our relationship.
I want to feel great about marrying him, and to actually feel hopeful about our future together with a thriving family, as opposed to anxiety about having to fight with my spouse for the rest of my life.