This is actually my first ever post as im in need fo specific advice.
We have been together for three years and will soon be married. He is genuinely a good man, and i am completely in love with him. I am willing to do any and everything to keep both of us happy as individuals and as a couple.
our issues seem to be the usual ' lack of control, time management etc. i don't know exactly how to outline the few concerns i have, so I'll just list them with a few examples.
1.LYING: when we first met, he didn't tell me about his ADHD ( he later confessed to not being sure of my reaction, hence the delay in telling me) . He smoked and drank but told me he didn't smoke, and only drank very rarely. He has spent money on lotteries and Pokemon etc and failed to notify me, my issue is that gambling on things like lotteries and pokeballs should be first discussed and agreed upon by BOTH partners. He is generally a pretty good guy, except that he lies, either by omitting information, or flat out denying the gravity of things.
2. MINIMAL SELF CONTROL: He is unable to plan and stick to a healthy and productive lifestyle, i have told him repeatedly how much he needs to eat healthy, quit smoking, exercise more and meditate to help him maintain good health. He says he will, but always reverts back to his usual habits. He behaves inappropriately when out in public where he becomes extra clumsy, chews with his mouth open, talks over everyone,or just ignores everyone. He constantly over eats, drinks too much coffee, overdoes his medication etc.
3. HYGIENE: his hygiene is a lot better now, but not where it should be. he is very messy, leaves the bedroom messy, his clothes all over the floor, cooks and then leaves a huge mess, must be reminded to shower and brush his teeth etc. Again, he has made improvements and i am really proud of him for that, but i feel that he is progressing slowly and its really frustrating me.
4. COMMUNICATION: whenever we have had disagreements, and i have cried and physically pushed or shoved him, he focuses on the fact that im attacking him, or that im being physically aggressive rather than the problem itself. I try so hard to explain to him what the issue is, why its making me upset/ angry etc. He doesn't seem to understand that his slow response and reluctance / refusal to accept responsibility is driving me insane.
PS: He is a very intelligent man, very educated, has a steady job, gets along wth family, is very affectionate, super romantic, emotionally aware etc. so he is not a bad person, its just a few of his behaviors that concern me.
SUMMARY: I am not innocent in this, hence why i have come here for advice. Prior to my relationship with him, i was always a laid back person, i had no problem removing myself from a situation that i felt was draining, and i always kept my cool. Now, i have become angry and frustrated. there have been so many times where i have imagined myself hurling objects at him to harm him. I really really hate that i think like this, i don't like the frustration and the resentment i feel towards him for being so stubborn and defensive. I don't want to use violence to get through to him. I want to communicate with him and have him understand and compromise, just like i have throughout our relationship.
I want to feel great about marrying him, and to actually feel hopeful about our future together with a thriving family, as opposed to anxiety about having to fight with my spouse for the rest of my life.
I think you shouldn't get
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think you shouldn't get married to this guy, at least not until you and he or each of you separately has had counseling. To me, it's a huge danger sign that you feel so upset about his behavior that you engage in physically aggressive acts. I understand your anger (I divorced my ex, who has ADHD, in May) but I think it likely will get worse if not openly acknowledged and worked on.
Don't rush the wedding, you and your fiance matter more than it.
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
Hopeful, you have shown in your post that you know that there are areas that you need more peace of mind about
Poison Ivy is giving you good advice about warning flags right now.
No wedding matters nearly as much as the life the two live over time with each other.
Look I can see your concerns about messiness, hygiene and the rest of your list. I really can.
But it bothered me that at least the way you wrote it up, I got the impression that you presumed that he had to adapt to your standards of what he should do to take care of his body, handle things in the house, feed himself what you thought he ought to, and so on. You mentioned no concern of yours to learn to adapt to him. Maybe that just got left out of your post.
Hopeful, you may have opinions and practices in these areas that no nutritionist, physician, or home economics teacher would ever fault. But it's his body, to do with as he wants. It's his way of doing things. You have your way, he has his.
Can you live with him as he IS? If you're going to marry him, as different from some lesser daily relation, there MUST be room for you both to live.
Can you live with him as he is? Maybe, maybe not.
You dont have to condone his ways. But you had better answer that question and expect to live your answer, if you plan to marry.
What you see, there will be more of, unless he decides, and makes it stick, to change. Dont expect to make him. What you have done with him, he'll get more of from you, after marriage, unless you decide to change and do the work of changing how you are with him.
Take PI's advice.
Does he know the details of what you think about him that you told us?
hopeful4, being in love
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I too was deeply in love with my ADHD husband, but no matter how much I loved him and showed him, it didn't help anything. I am very concerned about your fiance's lying, because with the stresses of life, and marriage, if THAT doesn't change, it will only get worse. I KNOW, because even though my husband is a good man, he STILL lied to me repeatedly, and wouldn't stop. It has to be TRUTH, up front, and a dedicated approach from him that he cares ENOUGH about you to work on HIMSELF, and the relationship.......FIRST......BEFORE... you guys get in a MARRIAGE relationship. Sorry, I know that probably isn't what you wanted to hear, and I'm sorry, I really am, but a marriage is too important, and the issues you've mentioned here are vital to any relationship.........especially long term. I DO wish you and your fiance well, and hope you can work this out.
Probably not what you want to
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Probably not what you want to hear, but the lying will not get better. It is something I struggle with in my marriage. My H lies - big things, little things - for no reason whatsoever. I understand that there may be more going on than ADHD, however, I urge you not to overlook that. It is easy, early in the relationship, to view it as something you can fix. You may decide that it's a self esteem issue and you only love and support him more, he'll stop. You may rationalize it as a trust issue and that once you "prove" that you are completely trustworthy and offer unwavering support, there will be no need for him to lie. You may tell yourself that it's only little things and it won't be a major problem. Bottom line, don't overlook the lies and don't rationalize and don't try to figure out or justify why he's doing it. Chances are, he doesn't know why he's doing it and how to stop. If he is not upholding spending agreements now, don't expect that behavior to change when there are bigger stakes. Finally, please don't overlook the toll that cumulative years of lying will have on you. Lying definitely affects the recipient of the lies, causing reduced self esteem and doubt. I ended up wondering why my H lied to me and no one else until, that is, he confessed that he lied to everyone all the time about everything. Small comfort. Habitual lying is a very intractable character defect. I'm not going to connect it to ADHD. Sure, ADHD may cause some impulsive lies (Did you pick up the dry cleaning? Ummm... Yeah, sure....) but not the kind of ingrained and habitual lies you are likely to encounter. The most troubling statement you made, to me, is that he lies by omission or says it's no big deal. That is going to cause some unhappy moments. He will never understand the impact his lying has on you if he dismissed it as no big deal.
Voice of experience. It will sap your soul until you decide it's enough, after there is zero trust left.
Submitted by hopeful4 on
thank you all for responding. I was afraid that the comment would be as they are. I'm really scared of the possibility of not being with him, but i guess something's gotta give. We'll talk to a therapist first and see if we can work it out first.
Scared of not being with him....
Submitted by sickandtired on
I have been in your shoes, and you have to know that after trying to "fix" my XBF for 10 years, I realized that my fear of being alone left me "settling" for a man who slowly engulfed me in his illness. My life with him was full of worry that he would get angry over things I could not anticipate. No matter what you do, a person with this illness cannot give you what you deserve in a healthy relationship. And they will get worse. You deserve the truth. You deserve to feel loved and secure in your relationship. Please do not lose yourself in his problems. Don't waste your life. Get out while you still can. Many of us who spent years with a mentally ill partner have had to go through so much hell to get away from them and the damage they have caused. It is so much better to be alone than to be with someone who is toxic for you. Please, no body can save you from a life of chaos, pain and regret but you.
Sickandtired Once More
Submitted by kellyj on
The original OP has asked for specific advise here in associated with well know ADHD symptoms as I said to you in your other post saying the same advise? Here you included the words "toxic" in this statement you made here No matter what you do, a person with this illness cannot give you what you deserve in a healthy relationship. And they will get worse. You deserve the truth. You deserve to feel loved and secure in your relationship. Please do not lose yourself in his problems. Don't waste your life. Get out while you still can. Many of us who spent years with an ADHD partner have had to go through so much hell to get away from them and the damage they have caused. It is so much better to be alone than to be with a toxic person.
Now you've really peaked my interest I would love to hear your thoughts on this as well? I cannot help but think....that the impression this left with me about your ex boy friend now....in wondering how did you determine he was ADHD...or did he tell you that himself? Did you hear this from a Doctor first hand...or see a report or some evidence to support the fact that he has ADHD....or did you come up with this diagnosis on your own? Or did he tell you this himself? And was he the one who told you that these behaviors belong or fit into the diagnosis of ADHD?
The reason I ask is.....that is a person of so little integrity and character was the one who told you this.....might you not conclude that he might have been lying...and you just believed him without any verification other than to come and draw your own conclusions and make this diagnosis yourself?
It is possible under the circumstance here....and I'm again....wondering and would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this which might help others to figure this out as well? Any and all input you might into this unexplainable discrepancies in determining the diagnosis of ADHD here? It would be of great value to me and probably to everyone else reading this if you would be so kind in sharing your ideas and the means in which you have come to these conclusions? There is "truth" here in what you are saying......I'm just trying to determined exactly what that is? Thank you for sharing....much appreciated.
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi J, it is nice to hear from you. I just edited my post for accuracy, my XBF was diagnosed by several professionals as ADHD PTSD and paranoid personality disorder, so there was a lot more going on there than the single diagnosis of ADHD.
As you recall from my early posts last year, I really appreciated your feedback and support while I was beginning the actual process of breaking up with my X. I really appreciate the advice of Overwhelmedwife as well. Thanks for helping me have the courage to stand up for myself. You guys helped me get to where I am today...free.
Submitted by kellyj on
I do remember that and it was part of why I was asking as well? I really was trying to differentiate those two things...and you actually just gave me the answer I was thinking? It actually is helpful to me as well in looking at my wife as far as what I am seeing and what it what? Seeing the PTSD and then the PD on top of it now...does make a lot more sense? And really as much for anyone else who is trying to sort this all out....I really think these "extras" you might say ( LOL )....can make a world of difference for sure. I also glad to here you are out of that situation too? It sounded incredibly hostile ( and volatile !! ) ...without a doubt! Especially the paranoid parts! Yikes!! LOL
Wishing you well on a much better life and situation for sure for sure!!! Thanks
PS Heard any good Neil Young lately!! ha!
Submitted by sickandtired on
Yes I have J! He came to our town with his new band Promise of the Real, which includes three of Willy's boys, and they were excellent!