Non here. I've posted a few times and have found this community to be quite helpful - even if it means turning the mirror on myself and learning my part that I'm participating in.
At the moment, I'm so very stuck. Very stuck. And it feels heavy and it feels like an onslaught from every side from my ADHD husband (who is NOT managing his symptoms or facing up to his realities or responsibilities). I'm just so very exhausted, let down and disappointed. And to make matters worse, he's made a statement/declaration that he decided that was his to make but it wasn't - and it actually really affects the rest of us very much and I'm angry, worried and stressed about it bc I don't and won't accept his choice. But I don't know how to even begin to address it. His birthday is coming up and I find myself constantly choosing to 'keep the peace' instead of having these hard conversations because they are so exhausting.
I'm currently reading Melissa's book, I've signed up for the non-adhd partner support group starting on the 29th, I'm working on myself - which includes the good and the hard. For the good, I'm eating healthy, getting good sleep, doing things I enjoy, I work out, I travel, I connect and have community with everyone BUT my spouse. And that's a hard thing for me to face. For the hard stuff, I'm in therapy, I'm facing my own triggers of a childhood with an undiagosed parent who was so emotionally disregulated it probably changed my personality, I'm taking steps to know where I am at in this marriage in case I decide to leave, I'm working on my boundaries..... the list goes on.
But I feel stuck. Still stuck.
I have made myself a personal commitment that I WON'T be in this state when I turn a milestone age next year and I ABSOLUTELY won't be in this 5 years from then. And I am taking steps towards helping me to figure out if I stay or go.
But during all this, I feel so stuck still. That I'm not making progress. That I'm not actually moving forward. I get sucked back in to my anger - which I know is of my choosing - when my spouse and I engage in our toxic circular behaviours. I totally believe he is oblivious to the pain, hurt and chaos he has caused. I am working on seeing what my role is in some of it - but definitely not when it comes to his actions...only my reactions and hat I can control only.
How do I become unstuck? Will I feel joy or happiness any time soon? I feel so down and miserable each day. Like I have such a hard journey ahead of me and it feels never ending. I have a trip booked soon and I'm looking forward to that and I feel like I have to engage in keeping the peace so that nothing ruins my trip bc if I don't get to go, I'll be so sad and I will feel so worse.
Is anger a choice?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear Off the roller,
I think it's hard on you to say your anger or reactions to ADHD are by choice. You seem to do everything possible to nourish yourself in a bad situation. That your efforts aren't enough to make it bearable, is that your fault? Is it really your responsibility to choose a non-painful attitude to your partner's actions? If they hurt you, they hurt, don't they?
I've come to have respect for those boundaries that our bodies produce for us. Anger is our body telling us a boundary has been violated.
If I had had the guts to listen to my anger, I wouldn't have put up with my ex-husband's undiagnosed severe ADD for so many years. A therapist said early on I had to choose between burying my anger or leaving my husband. I couldn't fathom the latter with two small children, so I went for the first option. But it only worked sometimes, and in the end not at all. In the process I lost so much of my life and joy.
I think society tends to nudge women into tolerance of having their boundaries violated. We don't get much help in defending ourselves. However, I believe you. I think you are precious. I also think you're right in that your ADHD partner doesn't realize what he does to you. He therefore won't spare you.
I'm so sorry for your pain. All the best to you.
Isn't it a choice???
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Your reply really made me think Swedish. I guess I feel like through the last year of learning about adhd and my partner that MY anger - because its mine and its what I can control - IS a choice?? Because I'm choosing to sit in it and it's harming me. I'm only after learning how anger is supposed to be a fleeing emotion and that if anger isn't subsiding after 90 seconds or so, then it's a much bigger problem to address bc its affecting your health. Now that is me paraphrasing ans butchering what I've learned about my anger.
As someone that has shared their journey ans it's rawness, when you look back on your times of anger, what do you see?? Im clouded by mine. But im also in a hard hard moment and on the cusp of changes with my spouse. It's contributing to my feeling stuck-ness as well
Anger caused resentment
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear Off the roller,
My anger at boundaries violated, though not always obvious to me, caused chronic resentment. My husband felt it and it was detrimental to his confidence. In my mind, I was trudging on through hard times, still loving him. But he didn't feel that. We had terrible fights where he turned Mr Hyde on me, also turning 180 degrees in opinion about vital matters we had agreed on, and then forgot about it. This happened every few months for years and every time, it took me weeks to get over the hurt and confusion, make repairs and somewhat return to a loving state. He saw my anger in shapes of disappointment, distrust and disgust. I was honest in wanting to be loving, but there it was.
I think I was opaque to myself. But my boundaries and true feelings when they were violated were clearly visible from the outside. At the same time I worked hard for our love. He was passive.
He could have ended this, since he wouldn't change and there therefore was no hope of things turning for the better. But up until 18 months after his ADD diagnosis, I was still optimistic for change. Then I gave up.
Same story
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thank you for sharing. It sounds so hard and I find it so relatable. I understand everything you've written. It's me at the moment.
❤️
Submitted by Swedish coast on
My heart goes out to you. It's such a hard struggle. I hope you will find your way forward and not feel stuck any more. Whatever you choose to do, please don't be hard on yourself.