I feel like the kind of love I give and need is a different kind of love dh gives and expects.
His: R.E.S.P.E.C.T on demand, lust, sparring, games of one-up-man-ship, dirty talk, smooth talk, joking, volleying for position, getting attention by being bad, holding tight to boundaries out of fear believing that withholding is dignity, keeping dignity by withholding, being sexy. ALL FOR THE SHORT TERM.
Mine: Trust, faith, partnering, building, holding hands through life walking together through good and bad times. Attraction to integrity and nurturing each other to grow and be well. ALL FOR THE LONG TERM. Dh seems to find that boring. A mature person knows that marriage is made of this sort of love and that it takes effort and communication.
Do you think this is ADD related or life choices and upbringing?
I think the values you
Submitted by RoadtoRecovery on
I think the values you describe are valid and important and all couples should strive to incorporate them in their relationships. I also think that his values are distorted due to his actions but can also be considered good to be incorporated into all couples relationships. Let me rephrase some of the values you describe of his:
Respect - a necessary value in any relationship. If both parties are providing for each others needs, respect is freely available and given.
Lust (Attraction) - I think it is important for each other to be attracted to each other. Though this physical attraction may not continue over time, being comfortable having sex with your partner and the desire to please your partner is important. Since your partner is supposed to be the last person you share your bed with the rest of your life, each party should strive to be the best sex partner they can for each other and try things they may not normally do to please each other and grow closer and more comfortable together.
Games of one-up-man-ship (Ambition) - Ambition is a positive trait. Wanting to do better and make more of yourself helps you stay goal oriented and helps you focus on things you have accomplished in life as well as things you still want to accomplish.
Dirty Talk (Fun) - I'm assuming this is sexually. In concordance with Attraction above, dirty talk can be fun and fresh. It may be something that turns your partner on. However, if there is something said that bothers you or you consider as disrespectful, it is important to communicate that appropriately and set certain boundaries so each others needs are met.
Smooth Talk (Negotiation) - Negotiation is a vital skill in any relationship. However, as with any negotiation, the reasons to the argument should be valid and true to ensure the purpose or explanation are understandable and a conclusion can be reached.
Joking (Humor) - Humor can be a great diffuser of any situation if you allow it to. As a relationship grows stronger, humor can be used to allow the couple to reflect on the past in a positive light as well as make light of a situation before it escalates.
Volleying for position (Empathy)- At least that is what it sounds like. It is important to distinguish blaming from reaching out for empathy. You don't always need to agree to each other's points of view, however, if explained properly, each should be able to understand each others point of view enough to accept it, regardless of it you don't agree with it. This build respect and understanding and helps you get along with each other.
Holding tight to boundaries - It sounds like this area needs more work in your relationship. It is important that each of you define your boundaries. These are deal breakers that each other set which are vital to each other's happiness not only for themselves but for their marriage. These should be discussed and agreed upon. It would be helpful to have visual reminders around the house to remind each other of these boundaries once agreed upon to assist with compliance.
Being sexy - This also falls into attraction. We should never stop trying to be attractive to our partners just because we are married or have children. This helps keep the marriage fresh and shows that we care about each other enough to continue to be healthy, dress attractive, and generally want to please each other and keep each other interested.
I hope these help you look at your situation in a different light. It may take some time and work for your dh to take these values and develop them into strengths instead of weaknesses for your relationship. I hope everything works out for you.