Glad I have found this site

Hello,

I'm a 41 years old married for 11 years to an ADHD man. He is not diagnosed and I think he would never accept to take a test, as the idea of him having something wrong, is not possible for him.

I started reading about ADHD, because of my boy, he has it, has been diagnosed and is taking Ritalin. It seems to help him at the school and at the moment he is doing fine. I'm the one who decided to have him checked and found a pediatrician specialized in ADHD. I'm the one who goes to the consults, deal with the school, homework, housework, etc.

My husband doesn't believe in ADHD, he thinks it's something created for some doctors, so they can make money with people like me; however, he gives my son his Ritalin if needed and if I'm not there.

I can deal with my son, whose ADHD is medium, and I think although is very stressing at times, we are doing alright.

My biggest problem, is my husband. As he doesn't accept ADHD in general, less he accepts he should get a test and I think I had enough trying to convince him there is something wrong with him and that we have to work on it.

When we first met everything was fine, he was a bit hyper but that made him different in front of my eyes. We met in a country where neither of us was born, we had no family there and I had just arrived, he was living there for a while, so he helped me to settle down, showed me around, so it was just the perfect relationship, or that was what I though.

After getting married I starting to realize that, although he was still the same, there where small details that made me wonder if he was aware of them or not at all. For example, he was studying for this masters, we were living with other students and their families inside the university campus, it would have been the best time of our lives, but it was not, mostly because of his lack of social skills, he was not able to make friends, he couldn't work with anybody as a team, he was always sleeping during classes and that made all professors a bit bitter about him. There were many times when I noticed his classmates would make fun of him, laugh at him, not with him, and that hurt me very much but he seemed not to notice it. So I tried to make a blind eye on it, although I found myself avoiding meeting with people or socializing very much.

After he finished his studies, struggling to prepare his final project, but we managed.  He found a job in a nice town and we moved there, my son was born and I  though we  where fine. But soon, he started having problems at his work, he said he was being pushed to take some tests and capacitation  courses, he failed the exams and blamed me for nagging him and not letting him  study.(?) I honestly was nagging him, because I saw him watching TV or doing anything but studying!

His social skills, or the lack of them, soon where noticed by our new neighbours, and everybody that we met around. While I was going around with my baby, trying to fit and make friends, every time I invited someone to our house, he would make silly remarks, talk too much, say inappropriate things and make everybody feel very uncomfortable. First I tough that is his personality, perhaps I can help him, telling him   he shouldn't say that and so on. But, soon I realized he didn't care, as they were my friends, it was my problem if they didn't like coming to visit us anymore, in fact, he often blamed me for this, as I was not a good friend and they might have got crossed with me for something a had done. So I tried to avoid bringing people home, and only socializing when he is at work.

After a couple of years, he was asked to resign from his job, he blamed his managers, his colleagues, me, even the baby for this, everybody, but him and his lack of interest in the job.

He found another job and we moved again. Same thing happened there, I would meet some friends, but when they met him, he would make them feel uncomfortable, would say inappropriate things (like, if I'm having coffee with another mum with a baby, he would talk about how tiring is to be the one who works all day, while women only go around having coffee at friends!) 

Couple of years later, he was asked to resign his job again and that time he blamed the crisis, the terrorists and of course me. Never stopped and though what he did wrong, what could have helped him to keep that job.

A few years, later, after another job failing, he found one in another country, another language and culture. At that time, I suspected my boy having ADHD but my husband whipped the idea out of his head. As I didn't want to cause him any stress, I found a doctor, and had him diagnosed, without his intervention.

We are living in this country for almost three years now, and guess what..my husband has started a new job a few months ago, after he was asked to resign from the first one, due to his lack of interest, bad performing, etc. But for him, the reason is, that this time, the manager was a woman, and as all women, she didn't know anything, she was stupid, she was this and that..not his fault at all! It was the managers' fault, the colleagues fault and of course...mine.

I'm actually, packing up all our stuff now, to move to another place, near to his new job...but only wondering if I should bother unpacking, as I have lost faith in him and his possibilities to hang on in a job for long time.

Because I resent him, for putting us through all this, he feels the same and doesn't waste any chance he has, to let me know, how ungrateful I am, because he has provided for us all this years and I have been living doing nothing! He has said that in front of my friends, he has said that to my brother in law, trough the computer and will do in front of whoever wants to hear him. He doesn't care about all the sacrifice I had to make, to follow him every time he has made redundant from his jobs. I'm the one who puts up with the everyday work and chores, I have meeting with the teachers at school, and had to struggle to communicate because I don't speak the language. I'm the one who is desperate because I can't help my son with his homework, because of the language, I'm feeling I can't carry on like this. He seems to not notice anything else outside his box, where there are only a few important things, his hobbys, his friends (pair of friends who I suspect have his conditions as well) and his computer. He doesn't care about my sons school, friends, trips, clothes..anything. 

The worst thing is that, I think he is getting worst with the time, or perhaps is me who is noticing more things now...he has started to be paranoid with the money, once he slept holding his wallet! When I asked why he said, someone could get into the house and take it!. He doesn't want to expend money in my son or me. He said he is saving as much as he can, so he can retire soon and enjoy his retirement life, waterskiing, snowboarding and traveling. I can not see him, really caring for us as a family. And I think I have come to a term where I can't take it anymore.

I have tickets to go and see my family, with my son, and I'm considering the idea of not returning to him anymore.

Sorry the long post, but I can't talk about this with anybody and I'm so stressed, worn out and desperate, I want to do what is good for my son, and I don't see how, staying with his father, would be good for him.

 

 

 

(((HUGS))) The rollercoaster

(((HUGS))) The rollercoaster can be overwhelming and just plain exhausting. I am not sure what advice to give you, as it sounds like he is probably going to be very closed off to any suggestions you might have that would suggest he might need to seek help. It is amazing what they can come to see as 'normal', which seems so very abnormal to most anyone else (i.e. inability to keep a job, always someone else to blame,e tc)

Maybe, for the sake of your son and having some stability in his life (which is VITAL for someone with ADHD), you could extend your visit with your family and set up some roots for a while.