Go ahead tell me "I told you so"

Ok go ahead and tell me "I told ya so", I deserve it for being so damn gullible and stupid!!!  Well DH never went to the doctor yesterday, told me that I married him the way he is and he will never take pills again.  I tried to reason with him (I know big mistake) and he told me he was giving up school, his internship and me, because he cant stand me anymore.  He called everyone he could but no one had the money to come and get his ass and take him to his mom's (3 hours away).  That was yesterday morning, last night when we were calmer I tried to talk to him about the fact he keeps threatening to leave and he wouldn't even agree to try and stop saying it.  He told me he thinks we need some time apart and that he is going to go to his Moms and I cant stop him cause he needs to "hang out".  I know that if he leaves he isn't coming back....Im not that naive.  I also know he has been talking to his ex-girlfriend, who wants him back and lives down there (he doesn't know that I know).

He feels there is nothing "broken" in our marriage and I'm trying to find problems to "bitch" about.  He also then claimed he was quitting school and his internship because I worry to much about him finding someone else (hmmm hes went outside our marriage twice in the last two years and I shouldn't be concerned????) and hes tired of me worrying.  We also talked about the fact that he wont talk to me about anything anymore and we used to talk about everything.  He claims that he cant trust me, because I used to throw what he told me in his face.  I totally admit to that!  I have a hell of a temper at times and when he verbally attacked me he got it right back, but I haven't done it in 6 months!!!  Ever since we talked about it and I told him I wouldn't do it anymore.  He says he put up a wall and I need to break through it.....and he wont let me in till he sees real changes in me.  And furthermore "the mortar on the wall is starting to set and I don't have much time".  He finished up his little speech by telling me that I didn't love him.  Really? cause I try everyday to show him how much I love him.....about that time I completely came undone and started crying (not something I do easily).  So then he diagnosed me as being "depressed" and a cry baby, told me I needed meds way worse than him, told me he was gonna go to my next counselor appointment so he could tell him "the truth about me" and went to sleep in the other room.

And here I sit at work, in tears.  Good thing I have my own office and don't see anyone all day!!!  THIS SUCKS!!!!!

reality check.

he needs a reality check.  He is fantasizing about how great things will be if he can live with his mom (who will no doubt take care of him and it'll be like 'going home again') and reuniting with the ex. 

What would work for ME if I were him (I am a woman with ADHD, but for ME reality check/slap in the face were always what I needed when I was acting like a selfish @$$hole):

Tell him matter-of-factly that even living with his mom, life will still include daily routine and that the things about his ex that he didn't like before will most likely still be there when the shine wears off.  Don't yell or scream or give him a tone that he can react to.  Don't make a big deal about the fact you know the ex is near his mom.  Just matter-of-fact tone.  like:  'Ok, just sayin'" and then walk away and go do something for yourself, like, meet a friend or go to an exercise class or otherwise just leave him alone with those facts.

About 95% of your post could

About 95% of your post could have been written by me at some point...God the deflection of blame is nauseating.

He is quitting school because of you : translation - he wants to quit school and wants to blame you so he can justify his actions...you're supposed to feel guilty now..get busy with that!

Going to mom's to 'hang out' because he cannot stand you anymore : translation - there is something there (ex-GF??) that he is more interested in than you, school, and his internship right now. Again...blame yourself, this is all your fault. GET BUSY WOMAN!

He can't trust you anymore/nothing is wrong with him, you're just a bitch/he's going with you to counseling to tell him/her the 'truth' : translation - EVERYTHING IS ALL YOUR FAULT and he is perfect just the way he is. Get busy...grovel...beg...promise to do better...so he can continue to tell you how horrible you are and rub salt in your wounds.

It is obvious that he is convinced that you've made his life miserable, you've never loved him "enough", you're just a bitch, and because of you he's having to give up everything and go live with his mom.

I got a very, very similiar speech to this right before my husband started behaving so horribly that I had to ask him to leave. I found out later all of his deflection of blame was him rationalizing the affair he had just started. I'm not saying your husband has done anything, but please be careful. Begging him to stay could be a huge mistake. I am so sorry that he's decided to remain untreated, blame you for everything, and decide that leaving is the better choice. Maybe, for the time being, letting him go would be the best thing. He'll never stop looking outside of the marriage as long as he remains untreated...and in denial. Do you really want to subject yourself to that? 

I don't. I'm in a battle with myself right now between giving him time to just see how treatment and meds go and throwing in the towel. He is willing to go to counseling, he is seeing a psychiatrist and he is trying meds again. What keeps getting stuck in my craw is that, aside from rare occasions, he really does not acknowledge the effect his ADHD has on our marriage. He EVER gives me another speech like the one above, (again) God help him. ((((HUGS))))

The Great Escape...

WOW... ADD me knows the tale he is telling you. It's almost like Every ADD symptom/behavior in the Master ADD Book. I don't think there is anything you could say to him right now. Someone has been posting about their spouse living in LaLa Land which is Real funny because it is a reference I use for people without a clue. It sounds as if your spouse is going to LaLa Land on the next ride he can catch. THIS is not your fault, Period... You are the only one trying to save your marriage. Name calling REALLY hack me off, by the way...

IF he really goes to his mom's house, I would give it about 2 weeks before he begins to realize that this New Life is not perfect and there are a lot of people who will not put up with the ADD BS when they see it happening. Hang in there and i am NOT going to tell you "I told you so" :)

Please don't worry yourself sick about what "You" could have done to keep him from planning his trip.

 

YYZ (Is tired of ADDer's not even trying)

Update

Thanks everyone, your support means the world to me!  Some strange things happened last evening...I had a work function last night (tailgate party and semipro baseball game) and I figured that I would be going alone after the fight we had.  Not only did he go with me (and seemed to have fun, not sit in the corner asking when we could leave) but we had one of the most sincere, honest conversations we have had in 4 years (yes it was in the truck on the way there, which took approx. 45 minutes).  The insight he had was amazing and it kinda startled me a bit because he usually is so busy blaming other people he doesn't see where he had any part in it.  It started out a bit rough, but he leveled out and actually talked to me and listened to what I had to say with out arguing (literally for the first time since we started having problems)....then he asked me to get the book "The 5 Love Languages" because his counselor told him it might be good for him to read (news flash...he never reads!!).  The funny thing is I had already picked up the book for me to read...I'm letting him read it first!!  Oh and he was wearing his wedding ring for the first time in 3 years, when I got home...he took it off the week after we got married.

This morning I called him from work to check on my step daughter because she was sick when I left for work and he told me that she was sleeping and he had found the book and was starting it.  Now I'm all kinda of confused................he went from signing his truck over to me and planning on leaving to telling me he loved me....always had and wanted to give "us" one more chance.  I swear its like someone came and slapped him up along side the head!  I should be all kinds of happy, but I feel like I'm waiting to step on a land mine!!! 

One more plus is that I got a big hug this morning from my step daughter (hate calling her that cause I love her like shes mine) and was told that I was the "awesomest" person she knows.

Well apparently you did

Well apparently you did something right. Maybe all of his talk of leaving and such was just a game or a bluff? I am honestly not sure what to think. On one hand, it seems that he has thought through this 'plan' to move to his mom's to the extent that he was calling friends to come take him. On the other hand, a day later it seems (although you didn't say he actually spoke the words) he regrets all of his "it's all your fault/I'm leaving/I can't stand you" talk and is hopeful that you'll forget about it and move forward. Part of me says to do just that...not mention it again, let him continue to initiate progress, and just go on with your life taking today for today and not worrying about tomorrow. The first thought that came to my mind was that his wanting to read the book is maybe an indication that he feels like he's failing you somehow so he wants to read the book so he can 'speak your love language' (I have the audiobook, it is really good) and feel more successful as your husband. Maybe his whole tyrade the other night was his own insecurities getting the best of him and, as we all know, it is easier to blame you and throw it all back on you and how bad you are than to say "man, I am really screwing this up" .. especially when you don't know how NOT to screw it up. I also wouldn't make a huge deal out of it, as that has a way of blowing up too...because they feel like we are saying "finally, you're doing something about this awful problem you have!" Maybe pick up the book and read it when he's not reading it..so you can show, without really saying anything, that you're trying too?

If nothing else, life is very unpredictable with these guys...but I am happy to hear that maybe the other night was just his ADHD getting the best of him and hopefully he recognizes that and wants things to be different.

One day at a time

Sherri, thats exactly what I plan to do...one day at a time and I'm not going to force the issue.  He initiated it all this, not me, so I'm taking that as a good sign, baby steps ya know.  I have a couple appointments after work, so hopefully he will be in as good a mood when I get home as he was last night. :)  I'm just hoping he reads the whole book.  Honestly I have NEVER seen him read a book and he has a tendency to avoid anything he deems emotional, sensitive or "mushy" if you will.  So I don't know how the book is going to go over, just hoping and praying he will actually finish it and find something useful in it.

Maybe I'm looking into it to much, but the more I think about the tirade the other night the more I think it was his insecurities again and he was "one more time" trying to see if I would leave him or still have his back.  And maybe playing his Mom also, in a way to see if she would still be there if he needed her. 

Thank you again for your support and advice...your awesome!!! :)

 

Is it possible to just switch like that?

Just a update....last night went REALLY well again.  He went and helped a friend of his move a deer blind, for his friends dad, and then he came home and watched TV with me(on the couch...together).  Odd because he usually spends his time on the computer or in the bedroom listening to music.  He also told me that he had started reading the Love Languages book (which he plans on finishing) and he had set it up for us to attend bible study again starting tonight (he isn't comfortable in groups so it will be with us and the minister at our house).  Along with all this our landlord got ahold of him and wants him to rip down a trailer that unlivable and creating a hazard.  He rips it down and keeps what ever money he gets from the scrap metal after disposing of the waste.  I want to be MAJORLY happy, because its been 4 years since he has been like this, but its like I'm waiting to step on a land mine!  I know, I know live in the moment, but its scaring the he** outta me!!!  :)  Ideas? Suggestions?

Enjoy the moment...

It is possible for sure... After first taking my meds I was less worn out at the end of each day and looked at things like "I can just do this "Thing" in 10 minutes and be done with it, then you look for the next nagging "I'll get to it One Day item" and do it. You realize you feel good knocking out things that have been on the To-Do List.

Is your spouse taking his meds? It is kind of hard doing things that you rarely did without a good prodding. Once you do, it feels nice especially if you know your partner notices the efforts. You don't have to go overboard on stuff he should be doing, but if he realizes you are pleased it will help him. This sounds like a good start to me, but be patient when some days are not quite as good :)

YYZ

Progress

No YYZ, he isn't taking any meds at all, except for the Omega3 and Magnesium!!!  He has done all this on his own without me saying a thing...we went from him wanting out on Monday night (his brother was coming to get him the next day) to a complete turn around in like 48 hours.  Like I said its kinda scary....but I'm not complaining.  Things haven't been this good or easy between us for 4 years, its like while I was at work on Tuesday someone came in, slapped him and said wise up and get it together. 

I'm just taking it one day at a time...I am VERY patient.  I don't want the good thing to end so I'm not pushing anything.  Just enjoying the happiness and hoping it lasts. :)

SIF

"I remember my "Slap In Face" moment and acting similar to what you are describing. Maybe it has dawned on him what is going on... A "Light Bulb Moment" as I call them :)

YYZ

Hope

That's what I'm hoping for!!  Last night went really well too..:)  This morning he had a bit of a meltdown because he couldn't find one of his power tools he needed, but it was short lived for once.  And the ride into work this morning was so relaxed that I practically skipped into work this morning!!!  The test will be the trip Sunday to take his daughter back to her mom's.  Two hours in a vehicle one way........  But I'm trying to stay as positive as possible!!

Missing...

a power tool is indeed a grave situation! :) It makes a Big difference when a couple gets along, no eggshell walking and stuff...

YYZ

:)

If thats the worst of our problems for the rest of the day, I will do back flips....I swear I will!!!!

It sounds like he scared

It sounds like he scared himself with the real possibility of leaving and frightendd himself with how much he worked himself up to be so mean to you. I call it the trauma drama of adhd. So, hopefully, it seems like he decided to try and make it better. THIS iS GOOD, better than the more common path to just taking the meds and calling it a day. But it is probably going to be hard for him to sustain this himself. This is a timely moment to start and continue learning yourself as much as you can about adhd yourself. Keep it PRIVATE (to avoid making him feel at blame) from him but become informed in all that you can do to help him get his shit together without actually dong it for him. He needs to be able to do it himself for his own self esteem- but there are ways to assist him in those goals (non enabling ways). Unfortunately, my Dh is not there and when he was closest to "there" I did not get it (but then neither of us did). I hope this continues like this for you!

Me too

Lulu..I think he did too.  He really seems to be making an effort and before it would have just been business as usual the next day.  So while part of me is waiting to step on a land mine..the other part is trying to take advantage of the cease fire and just concentrating on being happy.

I told you so...

Needsalifeline...

It's great that he is stepped up to the plate and is showing forth his best behavior for you.  I hope and pray this is authentic and lasting.  From your former posts, he sounds 'co-dependent' on all that you provide for him.  I suspect something seriously fell through for him with either his mother or ex-girlfriend...  thus he came to the overnight conclusion that you are his only hope of survival.  Its all about him and what he needs!!    I hope I am out in left field on this one.  You sound like a wonderful, hardworking and responsible person who deserves so much more.   Is it possible to step back and keep a guarded eye (and heart) on the big picture?  God Bless you...  I hope and pray for the best for you!  You have people on your side!

 

Thinking positive

BS...Thank you sooooo much for your concern and good wishes.  You all have been awesome!!

Just trying to keep positive at the moment.  I am always guarded and hopefully eventually that will go away, but for now I'm just happy he is showing the ability to be the guy I fell in love with, again.  The reason I'm so positive about this is that he is showing signs of really trying....that hasn't happened in 4 years.  He's a horrible liar, so I'm fairly certain if it was entirely an act I would have caught on quickly (I always do).  After a VERY long talk on Tuesday (well long for him), he knows where the boundaries are and I am willing to support him and have his back while hes trying to work his shit out and make the positive changes he needs to make.  As long as he stays in college, keeps seeing his personal counselor and keeps making positive changes I will be here...if not he knows I wont still be here.  I don't give up easily and I'm extremely loyal, but then I'm not a door mat either, so I will wait and see how it plays out.