going off meds (involuntarily)

Thought I'd share my experience from last month....

My life has gotten more hectic in the last 12 months or so, more work for me, more stuff at school for DD#1 DD#2 is 3 now and a handful and won't start preschool til the Fall because we don't have the money...etc. etc.  I've been emotionally very fragile since October when a little boy who was in my music class was murdered.  That fragility increases with each new report of violence it seems and I guess it will just never end.

DD has had more work responsibilities as well and is so busy that he's hardly here it seems. 3 or 4 trips out of town already this year. Meetings at night and stuff that comes up randomly and changes the schedule and leaves me scrambling for childcare...

During my daughter's school vacation DH had wanted to visit his family. Then decided we wouldn't go... Then changed his mind and decided we WOULD go... a couple days beforehand.  While out of the country, we turned off our cell phones because we couldn't afford roaming charges and didn't want them to automatically update anything or download anything and rack up huge charges. So I missed several calls and calendar beeps telling me I had a doctor's appointment.  And of course because Adderall is a controlled substance, that meant my pills were running out and I couldn't get more until I saw my doctor... but i couldn't get an appointment for a couple of weeks. I left messages trying to explain my situation, ie; could I please get a sooner appointment because I needed to drive by myself with my two children for Easter with my family (DH had to stay home for work) and I don't feel comfortable driving without meds... nobody called me back. I was treated like a criminal. After 3 or 4 calls plus going in to the office I couldn't handle the humiliation anymore and just waited for the appointment.

Fortunately, I still forget things even though I'm on medication. For example: I'd forgotten to take enough pills that I had a stash that I could take on my 'driving days.'  So I figured all was well. I even thought of it as an opportunity to get off medication and prove to myself and the world that I could handle ADD myself, now that I'm armed with such vast knowledge on the subject.

Um. Nope.

I was staying with my parents with my two daughters. My parents are not diagnosed but I'm pretty sure they are both ADD. My father, I'm certain, has ADHD plus ODD. I have to say, at first I was really enjoying being 'myself' again. There was just this sense of calm I had that I hadn't had for a long time and I could follow my mind in whatever direction it wanted to go. I could tell when I was 'ADD-ing out' but it didn't matter because I was on vacation and my parents are a mess, too, so they weren't going to be angry at me for spending 3 hours trying to put together an electronics kit in the kitchen when I really should've been telling my kids that they shouldn't draw on each other with markers.

Then it was time for DD#2's bath.

I turned on the water, and went into my room to get her PJs and some other stuff. My Dad said he'd fixed the electronics project and the kids were playing with it so I started to head down the stairs to join them. BUT! I stopped and said to myself, "WAIT, ELLAMENNO! Go turn off the water!!" And I was so proud of myself for being so aware and conscious of my own mind and so pleased with the way I put my strategies to use.....

...til I went back upstairs 45 minutes later.

Bathroom flooded. Water pouring down the heating vent. Flowing allllll the way to the basement ceiling and dripping out of light fixtures onto the couch. Thankfully it didn't drip on the TV.

Turns out, I remembered that I needed to turn off the water. But what I ACTUALLY turned off was the light.

This is just ONE example of the stupid shit I did for 10 days straight til I got to my doctor and got the damn script for the damn pills.

No. We really, really don't do this shit on purpose. Really.