Going "overboard" in emotional relationships.

Hi all,

the story so far.

I'm dating, or trying to date, a lady with ADHD. She knows that she has it, and has been on medication for about 7 years, and is very upfront about it, and some of the problems it can cause her.

Because of details separate from the ADHD, we are in agreement to take things slow and cautiously. Now, she is of the opinion, that I suffer from ADHD as well, there is good evidence she is correct. I am looking at getting an assessment for this.

One thing she said, that really rang a bell with me, is that people with ADHD tend to make their SO the "center of their world"? or to put too much into the whole relationship thing? Not quite clear on the exact wording she used. I can quite see how that can be a problem. It does describe my behavior when in a relationship, or even, as in this case, my behavior now. I haven't even kissed her and I'm pretty well smitten!

So, some questions, is what she said generally recognized? How has it affected you? I am of the opinion, that it is a different perspective for males generally, and can, for both, be a *GOOD* factor, under the right circumstances.

Given her history, I understand where she is right now about relationships, but it does make progressing with her, a little,....problematic.

I have been poking around on

I have been poking around on the site and found discussions about "Hyperfocus" This sounds somewhat similar to my reaction to her, although my previous experience indicates that it isn't the same in as far as I don't, or didn't, lose interest after the chase was over.

 

It also doesn't sound the same as the way she described her behavior in past relationships, she used the word "consumed" so I'm thinking she describing a separate aspect. Or is this the female aspect of hyperfocus?

  My story may help. Smitten

 

My story may help. Smitten was the word, I fell head over heels in love with a pwADD. We are in our early 60s. For over a year, he did make me the center of his world, and in retrospect my thought had been, was also due to being a bit needy due to last parents death (and resultant surfacing of various issues)and i felt the closeness was vital and we really stuck together like 2 peas in a pod.

I think it is great that your new love interest understands this aspect, the hyperfocus. And is communicating. We took it really slowly as well, and our sex life became fabulous, once we started ;-)))) Hyperfocus can be a good thing at times!

Currently we / I am going through the next  step, being the center of hypercriticalness at times, his reinventing our history to suit / justfy his need to now focus on hobbies, which he stays up into the wee hors to enjoy....and some acting out on his part, when i do see him, now often limited to when he needs to leave his environment ( he is retired, i work full time as an RN)...and is crashing from lack if sleep, at my place. Attempts to suggest a better balance of activity and rest creates quite the hostile response. But is apologetic to a fault when shit happens...

He also believes i have components as well , of ADD.

I will continue to express my feelings and deal with the fallout. As possibly with you, fortunately there has been enough self awareness on the partner's side, and desire to get through *stuff* demonstrated, that hopefully this communication breakdown, and change of connection, will resolve into a better place. 

​He takes antianxiety medication only...... and i am reading books, joining lists, websites,listening to podcasts and hyperfocussing myself, on gaining insight.

Good luck!

​Claudia

Thanks Claudia, you give me

Thanks Claudia, you give me some hope. I'm still not sure that what she is describing, and what I feel, is what has been termed "Hyperfocus"

Maybe I'm kidding myself. I do recognize that "being needy" in my response to her. I am trying, and have said as much to her, that I am trying to avoid that. Most women don't like tripping over a guy's tongue, you know?  :) Your comments on the sex life also bring joy to my heart, she is, fairly overtly, a passionate woman, ( one of the things that attract me ) and I too, think of myself as passionate, though for me, it is suppressed on the surface. This of course, can result in major sparks of aggravation, as well as passion. Frankly it scares me a bit, as if this goes wrong, it will mean a major upheaval in one or both of our lives. ( those other factors I mentioned earlier )

Put yourself in her place, if you would. You've been through a relationship that left you feeling "consumed" How would you feel about another ADHD sufferer coming on so hard in typical hyperfocus fashion? She is very intelligent, and says her way of dealing with things is to analyze. I'm somewhat surprised, ( and very thankful ) that she hasn't just shut me down. Somehow I think I stumbled on exactly the right approach, i.e. to calmly and politely explain my fears about a messy situation between us, but that I could not ignore the "what if" question.