Well, lately I have been very active on this site and many people have commented about how much my posts have helped and enlightened them. However...you can probably deduce from the sheer quantity of my posts in the past few days how many hours I have spent on this stupid computer. That naturally means I have not been doing other things...IMPORTANT things! This is where I turn my "Good" strength (written communication skills, compassion for others) into a "Bad" or a weakness/failure, because I will hyper-focus on such written communication and ignore my more pressing responsibilities. And now it is 11:15pm and my dh has been in bed for at least an hour, and I am STILL on this blasted computer! We have not had relations in probably 2 weeks. How could we when I never go to bed at the same time? This is a source of tension for us already. But he goes to bed promptly at 10pm every night. I have told him that is just TOO EARLY for me. I don't know what the appropriate compromise is. I'm not sure why it bothers him so much whether I come to bed at 11pm or at 1 or 2am, if it is after he has gone to bed either way? But it does bother him and for some reason, it does make a difference.
This brings me to the Ugly. He has been really irritated with me for at least 2-4 days now. He does not know what I have been spending my time on, but he knows it is not on whatever he has expected (or hoped) I would be doing. My bag is still not unpacked from our lake weekend. And I was late meeting him for that (see my "Mother's Day" post). I'm not even sure when I last showered (sorry but you are all strangers anyway so I am just being brutally honest). I have not been to work yet this week (I work part time and my hours are flexible, but I do have to go SOMETIME!). Usually he is very patient and kind. Starting this weekend, he has been especially stressed out and almost mean. He has overreacted to comments I make. He has visibly and verbally restrained himself from saying what he really wants to say. He has barely listened to me. I am super-sensitive, and even more so when he is acting this way, so I have started asking if he's okay, if something's wrong, if he's upset with me. We have argued very briefly (mostly just strained comments on both sides) several times in the past 3 or 4 days. He has been reading Melissa's book. For awhile I thought it was really helping him to understand, but now he just seems so IRRITATED.
Yesterday in a discussion we had regarding our ADHD son and some school/grades issues he is having, my dh mentioned that he knows (from the book) that our son probably needs some help or further treatment for his ADHD beyond just his medication, but he personally can't fix it and doesn't want to be responsible for solving it. I am wondering if he is starting to feel overwhelmed and responsible for managing both an ADHD son and an ADHD wife? Maybe he fears it is his job to help us both, but he doesn't know how and he is too busy putting out fires to even stop and consider what to do?
Tonight we went to our son's JV baseball team banquet. It had somehow not made it onto my calendar, so I totally forgot about it until a friend called me and asked me to bring something to her at the banquet tonight. At that time it was about 4:45pm and the banquet started at 6:30pm. I was standing in a store 15 mins away from my house (which is 30 mins away from the restaurant), buying items for the art teacher since I am the homeroom Mom for our daughter's class. The person collecting all the gifts will pick it up tomorrow afternoon. I am down to the last minute to get this gift (of course)...and I haven't even put out a request to parents to collect any money yet! So I am just buying the gift out of my pocket and planning to ask (and hope) for reimbursement from the other parents later. I called my dh right away to let him know about the banquet. Then I decided since I was half-way through shopping for the basket of goodies, and it is "due" tomorrow, I should go ahead and finish up. I knew it would make me a little late but I figured it was better to finish the task while I was in the middle of it so that I would not have to come back tomorrow and then deliver the gift to the school (25 mins away private school) before the coordinator needed to pick it up. This way I could finally go to WORK tomorrow without wasting time running (duplicate) errands.
Then I had to come home to meet dh and pick up our son. I could tell he was irritated that I was late (by 15 mins). Then I asked him if I should just stay home with our other 2 kids (old enough to stay alone, but it is a school night). He snapped at me that if I did not want to go, then I should have called him so he could have left 15 mins ago. Ugh. Now I am in trouble, so I quickly backtrack, "No, I DO want to go. I was just asking what you thought." I also had to collect the item that my friend asked me to bring to her, which is what reminded me of the dinner in the first place. This irritates him more bc we can't leave right away. I have no time to prepare anything for my other two kids to eat. I tell my daughter she will have to just fix herself a sandwich. We have to take my dh's car bc mine is low on gas and I knew I did not have time to fill it up before I came home. On the way to the banquet, I was telling him that I talked to an administrator at school today regarding my concern that they have not scheduled an event honoring our headmaster who is leaving. I decided to talk to her bc I was beginning to feel responsible for it (not at all my responsibility), and I needed to "turn it over" to someone else. I knew I would not be able to let go of it in my mind until I was sure that the right person was aware of the concerns. But as I was relaying my conversation with her to my husband, I did not think he was listening--he just seemed very distracted. I even asked him, "Would you rather me not talk about this right now?" But he said it was okay if I could just let him listen and not make him talk. Fine. But then as I continued, he jumped in and said, "You don't need to take on that project!" And I snapped back, "I'm NOT--that is my whole point! I was trying to turn it over to HER!"
We arrive at the restaurant 15-20 mins late. It really did not matter, as everyone was just getting settled and going through the buffet line (BBQ). Somehow the conversation at our table with friends turns to me staying up late (I think I brought it up). Our friends ask, "How late is late?" And for the first time that I can EVER remember, my dh breaks our cardinal rule that we do not criticize each other in public. He tells them (in an obviously frustrated tone) between 3 and 4 AM. Yes, there have been nights that were that late, but usually it is between 12-2 am (not that this is much better). I try to interject (defensively) that I usually fall asleep on the couch and I am not really UP that late. Then someone asks what I am DOING at that hour? My dh says in frustration, "That's a good question!" I know I probably deserved it, but I was really hurt by the whole thing. And he truly NEVER does that to me in front of other people, so it scares me. Now I am really worried that he is VERY upset with me about something (or everything).
And without telling you the whole story (see my previous post "Why Would He Set Me Up For Failure?"), over the weekend, DH commented in front of his parents that he was really close to just hiring someone to decorate our lake house since I haven't done it yet. That hurt me too. If you have read my other post about this, you will remember the struggle I went through 2 weeks ago trying to shop for furniture like he asked me to do. We were very close to selecting and ordering something, but then my "spring break" week (without kids) ended when I was not quite finished with that project, and I had to get back to other responsibilities. So I put the furniture-and-decorating-project on hold.
In the meantime, I collected photos, designed and edited a 6-minute slide show with music for the Volunteer Banquet at our kids' school (he is the chairman of the volunteer organization) and helped plan a farewell reception next week for 3 teachers who are retiring this year. I also researched local ADHD coaches, contacted two psychiatrists (he doesn't know about that part yet) and talked to a friend about her experience using one of the doctors with her son. I came up with an idea to create memory books for the 3 retiring teachers and began to collect the pictures I will need. I signed my daughter up for the babysitter's course she wants to take, requested the forms I need for my older kids' sports physicals on Saturday, helped my other daughter prepare for a piano recital this weekend (she did NOT want to practice, so making her do it has been very high-maintenance!), FINALLY made an appt for my older daughter's orthodontist consultation and picked up her library books for her, as well as scheduling my mammogram which I have put off for about 3 years now. I ordered and picked up all of our prescriptions and made dinner last night. And oh yeah, I put together a gift basket for the school's art teacher to be turned in tomorrow. And just for fun, I took my kids to the Grand Opening of the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop in our neighborhood at 6am this morning--they had a great time and got t-shirts and hats.
.......AND I also spent way too many hours in front of my computer. And I didn't do any laundry or housework. And I forgot to send my child a lunch today so I had to go and eat with her so I could bring her some food. And I don't have gas in my car. And I forgot to take the garbage can to the curb yesterday when DH was out of town. And I forgot about the banquet tonight. And then I was late. And then apparently I was talking too much or doing too much or doing the wrong things or unnecessary things? And now I am still up and on my computer at 12:34 AM.
I started out with the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, but there hasn't been much good in this post. Sorry. I guess I am the one who needs some encouragement this time.
I will post another message about my AWFUL conversation with a "supposed" ADD/ADHD therapist which did NOT help my outlook today...