Hi to everyone...I am new to this site. A few months ago I began a blog on blogspot called waiting for the breakthrough (I don't think even 1 person has gone to it yet!) to help me deal with what I thought was my H's workaholism. We've been together 20 yrs and It's been up and down. H is a decent guy in that he is not abusive or mean. In fact, he can be too nice - saying yes when he means no, making promises he does not keep, etc. He promises the world and then forgets about it. He works in the entertainment business and people are always asking for an in somewhere or an intro to someone and he always says sure, no problem, but it doesn't happen. Anyway...the more I read about workaholic tendencies, the less H fit the mold. Then I found this site and things started to make sense. there is no chance H will ever go for evaluation, so I'm doing nothing more than armchair diagnosis here, but just to have an idea of what drives this man is a godsend.
I wrote H an email last night and sent it off. I just laid out how I feel and how I don't want to live like this anymore.
H travels a lot and has a schedule that rules his life. I stopped complaining yrs ago when his job meant missing birthdays, graduations, a surgery I needed, etc. I am not one to hide my feelings and have never made a secret of how his behaviors hurt me and our family, but he externalizes it all. In his mind he's mr. Wonderful & gets upset when I point out issues. He rolls over my conversation (when he's listening and not staring at his phone) and when I complain he says I don't know how to have a conversation; I just monologue and if he didn't interrupt and finish my sentences he would never get a word in. On the other hand, he interrupts everyone else too, so we must ALL suck at conversation! He has created a life for himself where he can work his work & contribute nothing else to the family. I literally have done it all since the beginning and am thankful the boys are old enough now to take over some of the work. I also work 25 hours a week from home.
For yrs I carried a lot of guilt and self-loathing because of my feelings. I have kept a journal for 25 yrs and when I read over the older books I can see how H's behaviors have been there all along...attentive boyfriend, charming, says the right things...then marriage and children and the attention withers away, the partnership dries up...I had no idea that spending 20 yrs with a man would lead to feeling more alienated and lonely than being alone. I internalize things and read all the books and "worked on myself" thinking that if I became super wife and super mom he could not help but find me irresistible. Ha! Last week 'we' were watching football and i tried to make conversation but he was busy with his phone...facebook, email...right before halftime I said, "I'm talking but you can't hear me, can you? I'm talking but you can't hear me. I'm not in the room with you, am I?" no response. I went upstairs to watch the rest of the game alone. I asked him to walk our older dog because I had overdone it when taking out the younger one. He said yes at 8 a.m. And at 3 pm there I was walking the dog because H never got around to it. Multiply these examples by 1000 and you have a very unreliable husband. He half painted the kitchen 3 yrs ago and left all the paint and tools outside for 4 months until I cleaned it up. he does this with all his projects...he either does it half way and/or leaves all the tools and materials out until I clean them up. His half way yard work cost $1800 to fix. When he cooks for himself he leaves everything out and gets upset because I tell him to clean up his dishes.
Well, I'm done ranting. I'm not angry anymore. I'm tired. I'm worn out from this. It's liberating to know that I'm not ultimately responsible for H's behavior, but it also makes me sad because the chances of him altering his behaviors is nil, and like I said, I don't like ramen.
I do believe that my husband loves me in his own way. And the idea of living in a studio apartment without health ins, eating ramen does not appeal to me, but I would rather BE alone than FEEL dismissed and forgotten.